Chapter 17
Austin
After dinner, I clean up the kitchen, making quick work of the dishes and wiping the countertops down. Jasper and Arlo both left not long after eating, and now it’s quiet. Too quiet, actually.
“You alright, Luc?”
“Yeah. I’m gonna take a shower and get ready for bed.”
My stomach flips. If I thought the random way I was feeling about Luca was a fluke, I was wrong. So wrong. Now, I can’t think about anything but how good it’s going to feel to slide into bed tonight and have him in my arms again.
Even if he doesn’t just come in and make himself at home like we agreed on yesterday morning, just knowing that either way he’s gonna be at the door waiting for me to tell him yes—not that I’d ever tell him no—is almost intoxicating.
The way he clings to me in his sleep and the way his breath feels against my skin are better than any buzz I’ve ever had. That he associates me with safety is an honor like nothing else. I’ve put out fires that haven’t raged as hot as the way my skin burns when he’s pressed against me.
It takes me entirely too long to realize that he’s slipped into the bedroom and shut the door behind him. I’ve gotten way too in my head. I blow out a breath, giving the kitchen a cursory glance to make sure I’ve cleaned the worst of the mess.
It’s good enough, so I shut off all the lights and lock the doors, then step into the bedroom, pulling the door closed behind me.
The shower is still going, so I quickly strip down, my skin already buzzing with the knowledge that in just a few short minutes, I’m gonna have Luca in my bed with me.
He’ll snuggle into my side, the curve of his ass pressed against me, his hair tickling my arm, his chest rising and falling under my palm.
The anticipation is almost killing me, and when the water shuts off and Luca’s footsteps on the bathroom floor sound out, my heart thumps hard.
This is ridiculous, and I know that. I have no idea where these random feelings are coming from.
I’ve never felt this way about Luca. We’ve been close for our entire lives—minus the time he spent in Ohio—but I’ve never craved his company quite like this.
I’m not stupid enough to claim my feelings haven’t shifted.
I won’t do myself or him a disservice by pretending they haven’t.
I won’t act on them. Not because I don’t want to, but because he’s been clear that he doesn’t want a relationship, and even if he did, I doubt he’d want one with me.
And that’s fine. I just want him happy. I want to take care of him.
Even if I get nothing out of it but his company and his friendship.
When the bathroom door opens, my heart jumps into my throat at the sight of Luca emerging from a cloud of steam. “Good shower?” I croak out, eyes traveling the path of an errant drop of water running from his hair and down his chest.
He damn near jumps out of his skin, his hand flying up to rest over his heart. “God, you scared me.”
Shit. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to.”
He waves a hand through the air. “It’s fine.” His eyes linger on me for a second, then he blinks and looks away. “I’m gonna go lie down. I hope you sleep well.”
In the time it takes me to process his words, he’s already halfway out of the door. “Wait!” I untangle myself from the blankets, tossing them off and rushing to catch up with him. “I thought you were sleeping in here with me.”
Luca blinks up at me, gray eyes wide but almost a little glassy. “I’ll sleep in the living room. It’s fine.”
What in the hell happened in the last twenty-four hours? “We agreed that you’d sleep with me.”
I almost forgot how stubborn Luca can be, so when he crosses his arms over his chest and glares at me, I barely resist laughing. “And now, I’m gonna sleep in here.”
“No, I don’t think you are.”
“What do you—” Luca squeals as I wrap an arm around his waist and haul him up. He lets out a breathless laugh that has my dick twitching, and I honestly kind of hate that I’m just wearing boxers because it’s not gonna hide much.
I turn quickly, Luca flung over my shoulder like a sack of potatoes, and head back into the bedroom.
The pleased giggle he lets out when I toss him down on the bed has me smiling.
Stupidly, I let my hand drift up and settle my thumb against his lower lip.
His laughter dies off as he sucks in a sharp breath, his lips parting slightly under my touch.
“I really could bottle that sound,” I murmur, watching in fascination as his pupils dilate. I pull my hand away from him before I do something really fucking stupid. “We agreed you’d sleep in here, Luc, right?”
“Right,” he whispers.
With a smile, I step around the bed and climb in on my side, settling under the blankets. “What’s going on with you tonight?”
He lets out a humorless laugh. “Besides you trying to pick up my new friend right in front of me, you mean? Is that why you were upset when you thought Deb was trying to set us up?”
Oh… kay. That is not where I thought this was going. “Um, I’m not trying to pick up Arlo.”
“Sure seemed that way.”
I don’t dare let the petulant tone of Luca’s voice try to convince me this is jealousy or that it means anything.
“I wasn’t.” I roll to my side, waiting for him to do the same so I can look into his eyes.
“I wasn’t, Luc,” I repeat softly. “I’m not interested in him.
And really? I don’t think I’m gonna go hook up with anyone at all. ”
I’m not sure why I’m telling him this. The words are just coming out completely against my will—and against my better judgement, at that.
“Really?” he asks, staring at me like he doesn’t quite believe me.
“Really. I’ve got you here. We’ve already missed so many years; I don’t want to miss any more.”
“Okay,” he whispers.
I hold my arm up, inviting him to come closer, and when he does—settling his head against my chest and sliding his leg between mine—I can feel my entire body relax.
I let my fingers slide up his back and into his hair.
It’s still damp from the shower, but the strands are silky.
It’s grown out since he’s moved back home.
I’m not sure if that’s an intentional choice or if he just hasn’t had time to cut it yet, but I like it.
I like the way it curls over his ears the slightest bit, and how it falls over his forehead when he doesn’t slick it back is even more pronounced than before.
Fuck. When did I start finding Luca so goddamn beautiful, and what am I gonna do about it now that I’ve seen it?
Luca’s got nervous energy seeping from his pores. He’s bouncing on his toes, eyes darting around. “Hey,” I whisper, careful not to startle him. “Jasper won’t hurt you.”
“No, I know.”
Arlo steps up beside Luca, leaning in close to him. Unlike Luca, he seems energized and ready.
I wasn’t sure that coming to the gym for this would be the best place, but true to Jasper’s word, it’s deserted today. The only person here, who was running on a treadmill, left right after we showed up, and now we have the place to ourselves.
Jasper comes striding out of the locker room, dressed in a pair of basketball shorts and nothing else. Arlo gulps. Actually gulps, and I have to stifle a laugh.
“You guys ready?” Jasper asks, raising an eyebrow.
I glance at Luca. He looks like he’s ready to bolt—fear and determination waging war in his expressive eyes.
I step in front of him, my hands coming up on instinct to gently cup his face.
“Hey, you’re safe.” He nods, eyes fixed on mine.
“You can do this. We’re just gonna do a few moves today.
Nothing crazy. Just a couple of things to get you out of a sticky situation if you ever find yourself in one, yeah? ”
“Okay,” he whispers, nodding slightly.
The urge to kiss him is almost overwhelming. It’s so bad that my eyes fall without permission, settling on his lips. I get lost there for a second, watching his mouth, but then Jasper clears his throat, and I quickly drop my hands and step away.
“The first thing you need to know is simple.” Jasper pauses, looking between Luca and Arlo.
“It’s awareness. A lot can be prevented just by being aware of your surroundings.
Today, I’m gonna go over a couple of small things with you.
Nothing too in-depth yet, but if you guys want more training, we can definitely build up to that.
“Now, the first thing is your voice. You can deter a lot of people by getting loud when they’re too close to your space.”
I nod along.
“Luca, come stand here.” Jasper gestures to a spot in the middle of the mat.
Luca steps forward, eyes still wary. “Here?”
“Perfect. I’m gonna have Arlo walk toward you.” He crooks a finger at Arlo, beckoning him closer. “When Arlo gets to a point that he’s making you uncomfortable with his proximity, I want you to tell me.”
With a resolute nod from Luca, Arlo starts inching across the mat, getting closer to Luca’s back with each step. When he’s about four feet away, Luca says, “Now.”
Jasper holds a hand up, halting Arlo’s movements.
“Great. So now, get loud. Let him know you see him. Turn around and look him dead in the eyes and tell him to back up.”
When Luca turns around, he swallows hard, then lifts his gaze to Arlo’s. “Back up.”
The attempt is weak at best, and I’ve heard him be louder watching TV in the living room.
“This is a potential attacker, Luca,” Jasper says gently. “Be loud. Take up space.”
Luca blows out a breath. “Back up!”
“Good, there you go.” I smile at him when he looks my way.
I watch in silence as Jasper tells them to practice back and forth, having them turn on each other on approach and yell to back up. It’s serious for a second, but it doesn’t take long for them to dissolve into laughter.
I’m glad they’re having fun. Sure, this is important, but really, it’s a formality. A way for Luca to take back some power because it’ll be a cold fucking day in hell before I let anyone hurt him again.
Jasper rolls his eyes, shooting me a glance. “Okay. Let’s move on. Luca, go stand by Austin.”
My heart races as a flushed and slightly sweaty Luca stands in front of me. I barely notice Jasper stepping in front of Arlo because all I can seem to focus on is Luca.
“Next up, we’re gonna practice getting out of a hold if someone is gripping your arm. Austin, grab Luca’s arm.”
I wrap my hand around Luca’s wrist, my grip somewhat loose so I don’t hurt him.
“I think you’re gonna have to do it tighter than that,” Luca says, eyes sparkling with mirth.
Shaking my head with a slight laugh, I tighten my hold on him.
“The place where the fingers and thumb meet is the weakest part of the grip, so what I want you to do is focus your efforts on pushing toward that point with your arm. Use your body too if you have to. Twist to give yourself more leverage.”
Luca smiles up at me, and I’m so entranced by the sight of it that I barely even notice when he turns quickly, jerking his arm away from me.
“Good, Luca,” Jasper says. “Try it again.”
We repeat the move over and over until, no matter how hard I’m gripping Luca’s arm, he’s breaking away from me each and every time.
He’s getting red marks on his wrist from my grip, and his chest is heaving with each breath he pulls into his lungs, and I’m not sure I’m doing any better, even though I’m not physically exerting myself.
“I think that’s enough for now,” Jasper says, breaking the silent stare-off Luca and I are engaged in.
Luca drags his eyes away. “Wait.” He turns, facing Jasper. “What if you’re being choked? This is fine. Great, even. But what if—” He cuts himself off with a hard swallow that I can hear from behind him. “What if you’re being choked? How do you get away then?”
My stomach sours at the memory of fingerprint bruises and Luca hiding his throat in shame—pulling my scarf tighter around him so no one could see, eyes low so he didn’t have to see.
Jasper studies him for a second. “Arlo,” he says, eyes still on Luca. “Come and put your hands around my throat.”
Arlo takes a step forward, his dark hair plastered to his forehead with sweat, then reaches up to wrap both his small hands around Jasper’s throat like he’s choking him.
Jasper sweeps his arms up through Arlo’s, making a big circle and breaking Arlo’s grip.
Arlo gasps, probably as surprised as I am by how easy it was for him to get him off.
“Do you wanna try?” Jasper asks.
After a brief hesitation, Luca nods, then steps forward slowly until he’s directly in front of Jasper.
I think Luca is expecting to be the one with his hands on Jasper’s throat.
I know that’s what I’m expecting. So when Jasper brings his hands up lightning quick and wraps them around Luca’s throat, my breath gets caught in my throat.
I can tell immediately that something isn’t right. Luca’s spine goes ramrod straight, his entire body tensing all at once.
Jasper doesn’t know Luca the way I do, though, so he doesn’t see it.
“Just do the same thing to me that I did to Arlo. Up and around.”
Luca doesn’t answer. He doesn’t move. He doesn’t breathe.
“Let him go,” I yell, rushing across the mat just as Jasper’s face twists in confusion and he drops his hands.
I grip Luca’s arm and spin him around.
His eyes are wide with terror, his mouth open in a soundless scream. There’s nothing there. He’s not here. He’s somewhere else. Stuck with Damien. Likely reliving the moment he thought he would die.
Fuck. Goddammit. “Luca, you’re safe.”
I bring my hand up to cup his face, to get his attention on me, and he flinches, whimpering low in his throat.
“Everyone out,” I snap. “Give us a second.”
From the corner of my eye, I see Jasper usher Arlo out of the room just as Luca takes his first breath—a wrecked, wheezing breath he has to fight hard to get in.
I reach for him again, and this time, he nearly falls over in his attempt to get away from me.
I take a step back, my heart shattering into tiny pieces.