Chapter 18
Austin
“Luca, hey,” I whisper.
Luca shakes his head violently as he wraps his arms around himself. Goddammit. I could kill Jasper right now. Only it’s not really his fault, and he had no idea Luca would react like this. I didn’t either, but still, why didn’t he think?
“You’re safe,” I say, stepping just a bit closer again.
I’m careful not to move too quickly, careful not to come across as dangerous or large.
I keep my arms loose at my sides, my hands relaxed and clearly visible.
“It’s Austin, Luc.” His eyebrows draw together as his chest heaves with another ragged breath.
“You’re safe. You’re with me. Can I touch you? ”
A weak whimper echoes from his throat. His eyes are locked on mine, but I’m not convinced he realizes who I am. My chest aches, a hole opening up where my heart is, at all the pain and fear etched into Luca’s face, the despair and desolation pouring from his eyes and down his cheeks in rivulets.
I reach my hand out slowly, palm up, and though Luca flinches, his eyes fall to it, and he places a shaking hand in mine. “There you go. You’re doing so well. Can I pull you closer?”
For a long while, he doesn’t answer, and I just hold his trembling hand in mine, staring at him while he stares at the places our skin is touching.
Finally, he nods. I let out a breath, using my grip on him to pull him forward.
He collapses against my chest, and I drop my hand to wrap my arms around his back.
The shuddering breath he lets out is filled with grief and is quickly followed by a harsh sob that rips through my stomach.
“Shh.” I press my lips to his hair, almost melting in relief when he wraps his arms tightly around my waist and presses his face to my chest. “You’re okay.
I’ve got you, baby. It’s okay. I’ve got you. ”
I catch the slightest nod of his head against me. “Let me take you home?”
“Okay,” he croaks out.
Like last night, I lift him off his feet. Unlike last night, I don’t toss him over my shoulder. I hook an arm under his ass and wrap the other around his lower back. His legs surround my hips, and he hides his face in the crook of my neck, his arms woven tightly around my shoulders.
I can talk to Jasper later. For now, I want to get Luca out of here. I need to.
He whimpers in fear with every single step I take, and I can’t help but wonder if he’s imagining someone else’s arms around him, if he’s picturing someone else carrying him off.
“Still me, Luc. Still Austin.” His body relaxes the slightest bit, so I keep talking.
“I’m gonna take you home, and we’re gonna strip down and climb in bed.
Does that sound good?” I’m not expecting an answer, so I don’t even wait for one.
I just keep talking in a desperate attempt to ground him.
“I’ll wrap you up just like this. Keep you safe and sound. ”
His exhaled breath tickles my skin, but he seems to be calming down, which is really all I can hope for.
When I make it out the doors and to my truck, I try to put him down so I can open the door, but he tightens his grip, a fresh series of whimpers spilling from his throat.
I change course, letting go of him with one arm to fish my keys out of my pocket and unlock the doors. It takes some maneuvering, but I get the back door open and climb up with him still clinging to me.
By the time I’ve gotten us settled, his entire weight is slumped against me, his thighs pressed tightly to my hips on either side of me, his face still hidden.
I don’t think I have words to help him, so I run a hand up his back and into his hair, letting my fingertips play in the slightly damp strands.
“There was this one time,” I whisper, swallowing hard. “We had gone to the fair parade. Do you remember? It was so fucking hot, and you were getting over that flu. I swear you had a fever for days, but you didn’t want to miss it.”
I close my eyes. “On the way home, you started feeling bad again. You fell asleep on me in the car. I could feel the fever. I still don’t know how I managed not to get sick.”
Luca’s breaths are starting to even out, so I keep going.
“We didn’t know it at the time, but it was right before you guys moved.
I—” My throat closes up. “I was so upset that day, Luc. The day you left. I didn’t want you to leave.
” I pause, taking a breath. “This probably isn’t the best thing to be talking about right now, huh? ”
I sigh, stroking Luca’s head a few times. “It’s just… The world didn’t seem right without you, Luc. I put on a brave face for our video calls, but I was lost without you. You belong here. With…” I let my voice die off before I say something stupid—something like you belong here with me.
I have no idea how much time has passed when Luca sniffles, letting out a little sigh. “You okay?” I ask softly.
“Did you mean it?” he whispers.
“Mean what?” I whisper back.
“That we could go home and you’d hold me?”
My heart kicks hard against my rib cage. “Yes. I meant it. Are you ready to go now?”
He nods, sitting up in my lap and wiping at his eyes. For a second, it looks like he’s gonna be embarrassed, but instead, all the fight and emotion seem to leave him, and his face goes blank.
Without a word, he moves out of my lap and pushes the door open, then climbs down from the back seat and into the front. I watch him in stunned silence for a second. His gaze is fixed on something in front of us when he whispers, “I’m ready,” in a shaky voice.
On the drive home, I can’t stop myself from stealing glances at him.
There are a lot of things I don’t know about what he’s going through, but I know him.
I know how to make him feel better. I know what brings him comfort when he’s sick and what makes him smile when he’s sad.
I know that if I say the name Jerry, he’ll laugh his head off over the squirrel—Jerry—that lived in his backyard when we were kids; it wasn’t afraid of humans and would climb our legs the second we stepped outside, much to my dismay.
I know that right now, he’s hurting. And he’s afraid. And he’s gone through something terrible. Something no one should ever have to endure.
I also know that he’s the most important person in my entire world, and there isn’t a limit to how far I’ll go to protect him and help him heal.
When we get home, Luca climbs wordlessly from the truck, his steps heavy as he walks to the front door. He waits for me to go in, and I place my hand on the small of his back. He kicks his shoes off and goes straight to the bedroom.
After taking off my boots and locking the door behind me, I join him, surprised to find him sitting on the edge of the bed, eyes downcast.
I stand in the doorway for a second, not sure what I should be doing. I want to give him what he needs, though. “Do you still want me to hold you?”
At the end of the day, his needs are my wants, but I can’t deny that deep down, the most selfish parts of me are silently hoping the answer is yes. That I’ll get to have in my arms again. God, I fucking live for that these days.
“Yeah,” he whispers, lifting his head to look at me. “Can you undress me?” My heart flies into my throat. “Everything just feels heavy. It’s okay if it’s too weird.”
I’m in front of him in a heartbeat, kneeling at his feet. I drag his socks off one by one, then stand and help him to his feet. I grip the hem of his shirt, my throat pulsing with the rapid beat of my heart. “You sure?”
All I get is a nod, but it’s fine. This isn’t about me, my attraction, or how gorgeous Luca looks.
This is about him. About making him feel safe, so I work his shirt over his head, then push his shorts down. I don’t let my eyes stray, and as soon as he’s down to his boxers, I usher him into the bed and under the blankets.
It doesn’t take long for me to strip down and climb in after him. He plasters himself to me, his chest against mine, his legs tangled with my own.
Gray eyes settle on mine. “Was it weird? Sorry.”
Does he think taking care of him is weird for me? It’s not. It never could be. “No.” I let myself cup his face, even though I shouldn’t. He closes his eyes, leaning into the touch, so I move my thumb back and forth over his cheekbone. “It’s me and you, Luc. Nothing about us could ever be weird.”
He nods, eyes falling shut.
“Sleep, Luc. I’ll keep you safe. Always. I promise.”
He nods again, exhaling slowly. I watch him until the lines in his face relax, his brows smoothing out and his lips parting as he dozes off.
Leaning forward, I press my lips softly to his forehead, leaving them there for a second before pulling back, then I slide my hand back to cup his nape, holding him close and closing my eyes.
It’s no time at all before I’m falling asleep with him.