6. Colin
6
COLIN
A second ping immediately followed the first, making me reach into my pocket for the phone. The small screen lit up my dim bedroom.
How the hell had I ended up in my bedroom with Lily?
Since I didn’t want to look at her, didn’t want to think about the kiss that almost happened, I focused on the message.
Sorry, bro. We can’t babysit Saturday night. Carolyn’s got a sales rep in from out of town. Wine and dine time for us.
Christ, I had completely forgotten about the date I’d set up for the weekend. What was the woman’s name? Sarah? It was in my calendar, but damn if I knew. Also in my calendar was the fact that Mandy and Chance were going to be away that weekend for her cousin’s wedding, which meant that they wouldn’t be able to babysit either.
I looked at the second message.
Maybe Lily can?
As in maybe Lily, the woman I’d almost kissed less than a minute ago, would babysit so I could go on a date with another woman. I glanced up at her. She’d retreated to the bedroom door and stood on the threshold, clearly unsure if she should stay or go.
Could I ask her? If I could rewind ten minutes to when we were eating in my kitchen, no problem…but I’d made it a problem by acting on the attraction I felt for her. Damn. I never acted impulsively. I did one time, and it bit me in the butt.
“Work?” she asked, her voice higher than normal.
“No. It’s Zach.” Here was my opportunity to explain about the message, but I hesitated, thinking through my words, thinking through what I knew about Lily. She wasn’t interested in what I was in terms of a relationship. She’d been clear about her no strings, no attachments mantra for her life right now.
Exactly the opposite of what I wanted. I wanted the stability of a long-lasting commitment. Sofia needed that in her life, and I did, too. Lily and I were all wrong for each other, I rationalized, and except for that evening, we’d each kept our priorities in line. But I’d stepped over the line because of an attraction I felt for the lovely woman who lived in my house and cared so devotedly for my daughter.
Time to pull back, remind himself of my intentions in having a nanny. I was supposed to be dating to find the right woman to be Sofia’s mother, because Lily wasn’t going to stick around forever. For all I knew, she could be gone in a few weeks.
“Do you have plans for Saturday night?” I asked, hoping to feel her out.
“Um…no,” she began, her hazel eyes broadcasting regret, “but…we shouldn’t. I mean, I’m not…” She retreated into the hall. She was trying to let me down easy, to let me know as kindly as possible she wasn’t interested in pursuing a relationship with me.
I breathed a sigh of relief, realizing I’d been worried for nothing. True to her claims, she wanted to remain free of entanglements.
“I didn’t mean for you and me to…” I paused to sort out my words. “I have a date. Zach and Carolyn were supposed to babysit for me on Saturday night, but Zach just texted to say they can’t. I was hoping you’d be free to watch Sofia. If you’re not, I completely understand, since it’s outside of our agreement.”
“Oh.” A tinge of pink showed on her cheeks as my meaning became clear. “I’m happy to watch her. I have a class at the art studio, but I’ll be back around five. Does that work?”
“It does. Thank you.”
“Sure, anytime. I don’t mind. Sofia’s a great kid to spend time with.”
“Thanks. I think so, too, which is why I’m trying to date more.” I felt the need to explain my actions. “I want to find her a mother. You’re great, but as you’ve said, you won’t be here forever, and I want Sofia to have a stable female presence in her life. Mandy and Carolyn do what they can, but she deserves to have a mother.”
“Makes sense. Every girl needs that,” she said. “I’m going to say good night.”
I heard her light footsteps on the stairs and in the kitchen. The crinkle of bags told me she was cleaning up from our dinner. I waited until all the sounds had ceased, took a quick peek at Sofia, who was sleeping soundly, and went downstairs. I needed some fresh air.
Quietly, I let myself out the door and stood on the sidewalk in front of my house, breathing in the cool night air and trying to clear my head.
What had I been thinking in that moment when I’d nearly kissed my daughter’s nanny? Clearly I hadn’t been thinking at all. I had felt a rush of desire—unwanted and inappropriate, but it had been there, nevertheless. I shook it off, reminding myself of my objective of finding a wife and mother so I could give Sofia what I hadn’t had. A loving, happy two-parent home.
My eyes focused on a slow-moving car on the street. As it passed my house, I recognized it as the one I’d seen several weeks ago. Gray Toyota Camry, about five years old, with dark tinted windows. Again, I tried to make out details about the driver but wasn’t able to. The license plate was obscured by a tinted cover as well. Not the norm in this neighborhood. The car made a left turn and disappeared around a corner, leaving me unsettled.
My warning senses fired again, as they had previously when I’d spotted that vehicle. I didn’t like it. I knew the people who lived in this neighborhood—knew what cars they drove. A guy passing through, going slowly, might happen once if he was visiting someone and wasn’t sure of the address, but why would it happen twice? It felt off to me, and I wasn’t a man who took chances.
In the morning, I’d call my buddy Steve. With Steve’s ability and connections in the security tech world, I might be able to create a list of cars that matched that description within a thirty-mile radius. It might be completely unnecessary, but something told me it was important.
Lily
I scrubbed the clay from my hands after my art class and changed into comfy, hang-around-the-house clothing. Out of habit, I ran a brush through my hair before stopping myself and twisting it into a messy bun. I wasn’t getting ready for a date. I was babysitting for a man so he could go on a date, never mind that he had nearly kissed me a few nights before.
Him going on a date was perfectly fine with me. In fact, I thought it was a good idea. I wasn’t looking for the same things he was, and we weren’t right for each other anyway, which was easy to see just looking at the room where I stood. I smiled at my reflection in the bedroom mirror. I’d repainted the room a sunny yellow, added brightly colored throw rugs to the white carpet, and hung prints on the walls.
The living room was much the same. I’d gone with a spring green color on the walls and added hot pink throw pillows to the white couch to give it some spice. I could only imagine that Colin would be very uncomfortable resting his head on a pink pillow. I grinned at the image.
I was curious about kissing him, though. He was a powerful man who knew what he wanted. His kiss would channel that and probably knock me on my butt. It was a good thing it hadn’t happened, since there was zero possibility for us working out as a couple. We didn’t suit. He was the calm and I was the storm. He was a freshly painted white wall, and I was a can of spray paint waiting to cover it with graffiti.
I laughed at my own comparisons as I searched for my laptop among the piles of magazines and comic books on the coffee table. Colin would hate even that amount of mess and clutter. He needed an orderly woman who managed life in neat compartments. Someone like my own mother, who would never rock the boat. My mother had always smoothed the way for my father, making sure that nothing ruffled his day: no junk mail on the counter, no shoes left by the front door, no cartons of half-eaten takeout in the fridge.
I wasn’t interested in keeping the metaphorical ship of life in calm waters. After living a stifling, conventional life, I was more interested in tipping the boat over and diving into unexplored seas. I paused in my search to consider that I might paint the boat a spectacular color first. Anything not to have an existence like my parents.
In some ways, maybe too many, Colin reminded me of my father. I’d thought that when I first met him. My father might not see the comparison with a Navy SEAL, but Colin’s existence was controlled. He approached everything as an analytical problem waiting to be solved. Even this dating thing. I couldn’t imagine going on a first date with the purpose of evaluating if the woman was appropriate mother material. Who did that? Apparently Colin did. He probably had a grading system of some kind. The woman had to score at least ninety percent to get a second date. That sounded like something my father would do, too. For all I knew, it was what he had done, back when he’d been dating my mother.
I loved my parents, honestly. They were good people who had given me a good life. But they were so very, very different from me, and I was done trying to fit my life into the mold that they expected from me.
When I found my laptop, I left my apartment and made the loop to the back door. I could take the stairs that went directly to the kitchen, but I’d decided to keep that access locked. I liked the independence that having a separate entrance gave me.
“Lillee.” Sofia toddled toward me, arms raised, as soon as I stepped into the house. I scooped her up and kissed her cheek. Sofia immediately rested her head against my shoulder and snuggled in.
“Someone’s tired,” I said softly. I liked the way Sofia came to me so readily. We’d had a bond since the first day we met, and my heart was going to break some when I moved on. This little girl already owned a chunk of it.
“She spent the afternoon playing with Austin.” Colin was loading the dishwasher. “I gave her a nighttime snack. Would you put her to bed? I need to…”
Colin wore jeans and a sweatshirt and looked as though he hadn’t shaved. Unusual for him, and definitely not date-night worthy. His look was more “stay in and cuddle on the couch.” My mind drifted in that direction for just a second, almost feeling the warmth and hardness of his body, before I yanked myself back from that cliff.
“Of course.” I tilted my head to see Sofia’s face. “Bedtime, sweet pea?” I got a sleepy nod in reply.
I could hear the shower running while I changed Sofia into pajamas. If I timed this right, I wouldn’t see Colin leave for his date. Unfortunately, Sofia was too tired to listen to even one story. I was making excuses to linger in the room, taking my time putting toys away, when Colin appeared in the door.
I’d played this all wrong, I realized. I should have known he’d check on Sofia before he left for the night. When he bent over the crib to kiss Sofia, I slipped from the room, but where could I go? A face-to-face moment was unavoidable. I could control where it happened, though. The dimly lit hall that led to the bedrooms was not the right place for a moment like that. The hallway was narrow, which meant that I’d probably be close enough to smell his cologne. That did not sound like a recipe for reminding me to keep my hands to myself. I went down the stairs and flipped on the light inside the front door, telling myself that this was no different from sending one of my brothers off on a date.
Check his outfit, tell him to have a good time and be safe. Easy.
Until he came down the stairs. Clean shaven, groomed, and smelling just as good as I’d imagined. He wore a navy suit in a modern, stylish cut that accented his broad-shouldered, lean-hipped body. His shirt was light blue with a subtle white stripe. Navy tie. Too much blue, and a little too formal. That was my only criticism. He looked amazing and smelled better, making me regret that missed kiss opportunity again.
“I don’t know how late I’ll be,” he said, tugging at the sleeves of his shirt.
“Lose the tie,” I suggested.
“Huh?” He met my eyes.
“Here.” I stepped closer, dropping my attention to the tie that I quickly unknotted and slid from around his neck. I undid two shirt buttons, spreading the collar slightly. As I worked, my fingers brushed against the pulse point on his neck. Warm skin and steady heartbeat. I heard him drag in a breath, which I found incredible because I suddenly couldn’t breathe. Being this close to him…
I stepped away. “There, now you look more…approachable. More Saturday night date and less meeting in the boardroom.”
There was a brief pause. Then, “Thanks. And thanks for watching Sofia for me tonight.”
“Sure. Have fun.” I forced a smile that lasted until the door closed. When it did, I stood there, fighting to recover the attitude I’d had in my apartment. I wasn’t for him. But, God, I was curious about the woman he was meeting.
Who was she? She’d be beautiful, of course. A man like Colin would attract well-dressed, sophisticated women. I looked at my yoga pants and comfy purple sweater, felt the tangle of my hair, and touched my own makeup-free face.
“We don’t match,” I said aloud in the quiet house. “We could never be a match.” So why had I reacted so powerfully to him? A moment ago, everything in me had wanted his kiss. Again. If I was going to be honest with myself, I’d have to admit that I’d been thinking about kissing him more and more lately. I couldn’t seem to stop, no matter how hard I tried.
I walked into the living room and sank onto the couch, fighting back the emotion I felt. I was jealous of this woman he was on the date with, jealous that she would sit across the table from Colin, share a bottle of wine and maybe a dessert. Would he kiss her good night?
I groaned, imagining the intimate scene between Colin and the faceless woman. It shouldn’t matter to me. It didn’t matter to me.
Damn it. It did.
I reached for my laptop, looking for a distraction. The advice column I frequented was often entertaining. People posted all sorts of problems they faced, seeking others’ input. I sometimes gave my opinion. I scanned through the latest topics.
Investment question. Not my gig.
College student seeking advice on getting an internship. Not that either.
Girl with the hots for unattainable guy. Sounded familiar.
I read on. I’ve been crushing on a guy I work with for months. He’s friendly to me, but in a little sister sort of way, which sucks. What sucks more is that he keeps dating people I know but has never once looked at me that way. He’s super cute, smart, ambitious. Everything I want in a guy if he would only NOTICE that I’m right next to him. What should I do? I haven’t dated in forever because I’ve been hoping he’ll see me. Is that silly? Should I risk revealing my feelings for him or move on?
I stared at the unadorned white walls of Colin’s living room. What advice could I offer? The same that I was struggling to give myself? Maybe putting it into words would help me finally get a grip on myself… I started typing, working out my thoughts as I went.
Let him go, Girl. There’s no good ending when you’re crushing on someone unavailable. Get over it by imagining him with all kinds of disgusting habits like he chews with his mouth open, burps loudly, leaves wet towels and dirty socks on the floor. Pretty soon you’ll be looking for Mr. Right someplace else. Or maybe you don’t need anyone at all. Go do what makes you happy.
I clicked the Submit button, adding my opinion to the forum. It had been easy to give, but it was hard to take. I squinted up my eyes, trying to form an image of socks on the floor of Colin’s bedroom. No socks appeared, but the moment of our almost kiss there came into sharp focus.