Chapter 27 #2
“I want to.” He swallows roughly. So much time passes before he speaks again, I almost think he’s fallen asleep, but his breathing is too erratic.
I start to wonder if he meant he wants to tell me, but can’t.
Maybe he meant someday. I’d wait until he’s ready, and if he never is, I’ll still support him in any way I can.
Eventually, he moves away, sitting across from me with his knees pulled up, arms wrapped around his legs.
Making himself smaller. “He used to do a lot for me. I thought it was his way of showing affection at first. But… then he started to make suggestions that weren’t really suggestions.
He wanted me to dress a certain way, eat only what he said, act the way he wanted. And if I didn’t…”
He won’t look at me now, and it’s killing me. I want his eyes, I want him to see everything my eyes hold for him.
“I was so stupid. I let him control me, I did all the things he wanted, but it was never enough.” He buries his face in his knees, sniffling.
“Gabe.” I keep my tone gentle, when really, I want to scream. Not at him, but for him. “You are not, and never were, stupid. You cared about him, you see the good in people, and he took advantage of that.”
I hate even acknowledging that Gabe cared for that piece of shit, but he did.
“I was,” he says sadly, “I let him influence everything in my life. Let him control me. Let him hurt me. I’m bigger than him, I could have stopped him. But I didn’t, I kept letting him do those things to me.”
The words are like a physical blow, that word, let, twists me up. He blames himself.
“Gabe,” I start, but he shakes his head almost angrily.
“Said I was selfish. He didn’t like how much time I spent at the store or with my friends.
” He sniffles and wipes at his eyes. “He’d get so angry over everything, over nothing.
Like if I went to Ciarán’s for dinner or stayed late at an event.
Sometimes it was just small things around his apartment, too.
I could have forgotten to tidy something or not done things the exact way he liked.
” He chews his lip, shaking his head again.
“Then he’d ignore me for days, wouldn’t speak a word, and I’d spend the entire time dissecting every little thing I could have done wrong.
I’d try to understand what I did, and how I could fix it. ”
I hate hearing this, hate knowing that someone could do this to Gabe. I want to touch him, hold him, tell him I’ll always take care of him, always put him first, but he’s not done talking. He presses the heels of his hands into his eyes.
“Things escalated from small remarks, or a sigh or eye roll, eventually they got more frequent, and his comments turned harsh.” When he finally looks back at me, his gaze is full of fear. I’m not sure if it’s fear of his memories or how I might react.
“Then he started getting physical with me.” His voice breaks, and the tears start coming again.
“If I didn’t do what he wanted, he’d push me around, grab me roughly.
I was so afraid of him at that point, and I wanted to leave him, but I didn’t know how.
I didn’t want to be touched by him anymore, I didn’t want to be intimate, but he—”
A mournful sound leaves him, it’s shattered and raw, and I feel it as much as hear it.
My eyes burn, stomach churning. I’m not a violent person, I’d never hurt a soul, but in this moment, I think I could kill.
He took from Gabe, took what wasn’t offered.
He stole a piece of him and left fear in its place.
I can’t bear this distance between us anymore. I need him in my arms. I move closer, and when I reach for him, a choked cry leaves him as he buries his face in my chest again.
“Then one night he…” His voice trails off as his fingers finds the scar on his face. “My cheek.” Those words come as a whispered sob. “I ran.”
My throat tightens to the point of pain. I brush his hair back gently. “I’m so sorry he did that to you, baby. You’re so brave.”
My eyes well up, my chest aches, and I can’t stop looking at him like I might somehow protect him from all the hurt that’s already happened. I’m struggling to breathe, just watching him survive his past.
He offers those jagged pieces of himself and sits in silence, eyes on the floor, like he still thinks I might walk away. Nothing could tear me away from this man. I’ll show him that. I touch his jaw gently, guiding his gaze back to mine. His eyes are wet. Vulnerable. Terrified.
“You’re always so kind, so understanding,” he says, voice still raw. “I don’t know how to take it.”
I smooth my thumb along his cheek, then let it rest just beneath the scar there. “Take it slowly,” I murmur. “But take it. Because you deserve it. All of it.”
He makes a noise, some clogged-up emotion finally finding its way out. Then he tucks himself closer, his head resting beneath my chin, his entire body folding in, finally letting himself take comfort. “I hate that I still feel broken,” he whispers.
I close my eyes. The words hurt to hear. I hate that he thinks of himself that way. “You’re not broken,” I say steadily. “You’re so strong.”
It takes forever for his breathing to regulate, each shudder dragging out like his body can't let go of the fear. I murmur against him the whole time, enough to keep him tethered to me—you’re safe, I’ve got you, I’m not going anywhere.
“Do you think I’m—” He sniffles loudly and presses his face further into me.
I bring my hand into his hair. “What, baby? You can ask me anything.”
His voice trembles when he speaks, hushed and anguished. “Do you think I’m disgusting now?”
I squeeze my eyes shut against the agony I feel in my heart, hearing him ask that.
“Gabe, I would never think that. You are the sweetest person I know. You’re more than anything that happened to you in the past. And it doesn’t change how I see you, or how I feel about you.
” I run my fingers through his hair, wishing with everything I have that he hears the honesty in my words.
“I wish you could see yourself through my eyes, you’d see how beautiful you are.
Inside and out. You’d see how much light you shine on everyone lucky enough to be in your space. ”
He sags, exhaustion pulling him down. His eyes are swollen and red when he tilts them up to me, so heartbreakingly open it hurts to look at him. “I wish I could see myself that way, too,” he whispers, and with those words, every piece of my heart reaches for his, aching and helpless at once.
“I want that for you, Gabe,” I tell him, pressing my lips to his forehead. “Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me.”
His lip trembles as he nods.
“Will you—” His throat works, like he’s afraid to ask. “Will you stay with me?”
My chest aches so fiercely, I think I’ll crack open. I brush the sweaty strands off his forehead and kiss his temple.
“Always,” I whisper.
Forever, if you’ll have me.
I guide us down to the pillows, holding his head to my chest as we lie on our sides. The minutes pass, no more words are spoken, rain starts echoing faintly against the windows outside. I don’t move.
But I can’t stop thinking: He trusts me.
After everything in his past. After the manipulation, the isolation, the scars no one sees.
He still has the strength to tell me his story.
I can tell he doesn’t think it’s brave, he thinks it makes him weak, or shameful, or hard to love.
I could see the terrified look in his eyes, but I have never in my life admired someone more.
He’s still here. Still soft. Still kind.
Still himself, even after someone tried so hard to carve that person away.
I shift slightly, careful not to disturb him. His nose is nestled against my neck now, his legs tangled with mine. I can feel his heartbeat where our chests touch.
How could anyone not want to protect him? His tender heart deserves every kindness. This beautiful, gentle man still reaches for light, despite all the shadows inside him.
Remnants of tears cling to his lashes as he curls in the crook of my arm, fitting so perfectly, like he always belonged there.
I lie awake for hours, watching the rise and fall of his chest. I don’t know how long it will take before Gabe stops expecting people to hurt him.
But I know I’m not going anywhere. I’ll hold space for him.
I’ll keep the light on. I’ll kiss his scar every day until it becomes a distant memory.
I’m determined to be whatever he needs. For as long as he needs it.
I’d take his nightmares if I could. Every single one.
Because Gabe deserves nothing but peace.
And I’d tear the world apart helping him find it.