Chapter 49 Gabe #2
My face burns as I smile at him. He plops himself down beside Abbie, kisses her cheek, then waves to Noah and Aiden.
“Sorry I couldn’t come with you. Who did you end up going with?” Abbie questions as I sit beside them on the sofa.
“I went alone. Went to the fair the next morning before heading home,” he tells us with a shrug, but it’s hiding more. He didn’t even ask me, which I understand, even though it makes me feel like a crappy friend.
“You stayed the night?” I ask.
“Yeah, got an Airbnb apartment. It was amazing, right in the center of San Francisco. Got there Friday, went dancing in one of the bigger clubs. It was so much fun.”
Abbie looks at me questioningly, and I shrug. I don’t think he really went clubbing alone; he loves to dance, but he’s had negative experiences in the past with men coming onto him, and his tone is trying too hard to sound upbeat.
I gather all the courage I can find before speaking. “I could go with you next time. Maybe not soon, but… maybe next year?”
Both of them whip their heads in my direction, looking shocked, which is a reasonable reaction.
“Seriously?” Ciarán asks cautiously.
I nod my head, trying to battle the anxiety crawling over my skin. I want to go, do more things like we used to. I’ll talk to Dr. Keane about it in my next session. We’ve been working on grounding techniques to help me stay calm when panic strikes. If I’m prepared, I can do it.
Abbie beams, while Ciarán gives me a lopsided grin and nods just as Noah walks in front of us with a massive plate of steaming pancakes. “Don’t think we’ll all fit at the dining table. Will we eat here?” he asks.
“Perfect,” I say, smiling. I can’t seem to stop smiling the last few days; it doesn’t scare me like it did in the past, and I'm learning to embrace the happiness when it comes.
There will always be bad days, so I want to make sure I enjoy the good ones.
He places the plate on the coffee table as Aiden carries over plates and cutlery.
He has a sour look on his face as he stares at Ciarán, but when he catches me watching him, his features smooth out.
Everyone starts loading up plates. Noah sits on the ground beside me, and Aiden takes the armchair.
We eat and catch up. Abbie talks animatedly about a new play she’s trying to get the school to run—some K-pop musical.
Aiden and Noah discuss the gym. My brother says he wants to go to a hockey game in one of the cities, and I see Noah glance at me.
I give him an encouraging nod. I think he’s afraid to go too far, in case something happens.
I love that he cares, but it’s not healthy for him to forgo things he wants just to stay with me.
“Sounds fun,” I say to them. “You should go.”
His lip turns up at the edges, and he nods, returning to the conversation with Aiden.
“Oh!” Ciarán bursts out excitedly. “I got the lease on that building I mentioned.”
His whole face lights up with excitement, and I feel it for him, too.
“Why did you lease a space?” Aiden asks suddenly.
Ciarán rolls his eyes at him and gives him a flat, “To use as a dance studio.”
“No way—that’ll be amazing,” Noah interjects warmly, and Ciarán beams at him.
Aiden looks confused. “I didn’t know you danced… like properly.”
Ciarán drops the smile when he looks back to him. The look he gives my brother could level a building. “Well… you never really tried to get to know me, did you?” The coolness in his tone can be felt in the air.
Irritation is clear on my brother’s face, but before he can say anything else, Noah clears his throat and stands, obviously trying to break the tension. “Everyone finished?” he asks, taking the empty plates.
A round of yeses and thanks goes around as he tidies up. When he comes back, he sits beside me on the floor—closer now. He brings his hand up to my knee and gives a gentle squeeze. I’m caught in his eyes as the energy in the room shifts.
The others are all looking at me. My nerves flare, my heart rate increasing.
They’ve all taken care of me over the last few years, always been there when I needed them—but I hid how bad things could get. I didn’t want them to worry more than they already did. As I look at their faces, I see it there, behind their eyes.
I lock eyes with Noah again. I see the love there, the unwavering support, and it gives me the courage to speak.
“I started therapy.” It comes out shaky.
I put my hand over Noah’s on my knee and hold tight, staring at where we’re joined.
When I glance up, I see the pride in Ciarán and Abbie’s faces, but their expressions dim as I continue.
“I had a bad day a few weeks ago”—I drop my eyes again, and they start to well as the memories come back—“really bad.”
Silence.
I look up again and see the crestfallen faces of the people I love.
Aiden looks hurt, his green eyes searching my face.
Abbie’s mouth is parted as she watches me, and Ciarán…
his chin is tucked down, eyebrows furrowed, staring at his lap, where he’s holding his hands so tightly together his knuckles are white.
“What happened?” His voice is monotone, but his knee starts bouncing.
I clear my throat, trying to dislodge the lump there. I focus on the silver paint on his jeans, shimmering with each movement of his knee. “Kyle came to the store.” Noah’s fingers tighten on my knee as I say it.
Abbie takes a stuttering breath as Aiden sits up straighter. “If that fucking prick laid a hand—”
I cut him off with a shake of my head. “He didn’t. He came to apologize. Then he left, and I… I reacted badly.” Wild eyes look back at me, full of fear and worry.
“I’m okay now,” I say quietly. “I wasn’t that day, a lot of days really… I’ve hidden a lot from all of you, but I made it home and—” I look down at Noah, whose eyes are on me, open and caring. “Noah made sure I was okay. The next day, I made an appointment with a therapist.”
I look at Ciarán, but he’s leaning forward, his face in his hands. One hand cards through his hair, and he tugs roughly. He knew I wanted the therapist’s information, but he probably thought I came around to the idea after our discussion—not that anything happened.
Abbie asks tentatively, like she’s afraid of the answer, “You said made it home. Was it”—she inhales deeply—“was there a possibility you wouldn’t have made it home?”
The question makes every part of me ache, because I still don’t know the answer. All I know is that I did, and I’m thankful for it.
“I don’t know,” I answer truthfully. Aiden opens his mouth, but I continue.
“But I’m glad I did. And I’m getting the help I need now.
I’ve had a few sessions over the last few weeks, and I feel better than I have in years.
It’s hard, but I’m going to keep going. I don’t want any of you to worry about me. I’m okay.” And I mean it. I am.
“Okay, okay,” Abbie says, leaning farther back into the sofa while she blows out a massive breath. “Do you need anything from us?”
I give her a small smile. “Be there for me?”
Her eyes shine. “Always.”
I look at my brother, and he gives me a thin smile and a nod. I know he feels guilty—he takes so much on his shoulders. He’s always felt responsible for me, even though he’s younger. I won’t be able to take that away today, but we’ll work on it. We have time.
Ciarán leaps up from the sofa and walks to the balcony doors, stomping aggressively.
He stares out, hands on his narrow hips, with his back to us, and nods his head furiously.
“Obviously, we’ll be there for you,” he states, but it’s missing his usual sass.
I can see him batting at his cheeks angrily.
He hates crying, and hates people seeing it even more.
“C, I’m okay, everything will be okay,” I say gently, getting up to move toward him.
“I know that!” he responds testily. He’s not actually angry with me. He’s overwhelmed, and he’s never been good at processing his emotions.
“Come here,” I say as I reach him and pull him into my arms. His small body fits against me as his arms come around my back.
I hear him sniffle, and then he groans out a deep, “Fuck,” which makes me laugh softly. It’s so unlike his usual melodic voice.
I run my hand up and down his back as he does the same to me.
After a moment, he releases me and steps back. He eyes my chest, seeing a damp patch from his tears and mascara, and wrinkles his nose. “Ugh, sorry.”
I smile warmly at him as he straightens his clothes. “It’s okay.”
“You’re gonna be okay?” he asks quietly, the blue of his eyes shimmering with so much tender care.
“I am. I promise.”
He blinks rapidly and bobs his head.
“I’m gonna fix my face in your bathroom. I’ll be normal when I come back.” He saunters off without a look at the others. Abbie and Noah are aiming reassuring smiles my way.
Aiden is sitting forward in the chair, arms braced on his knees, staring at Ciarán’s back as he leaves the room.
As though he senses my eyes on him, he looks up.
He takes a long, hard look at my face and nods, almost to himself, before saying, “Yeah, you’re gonna be okay.
” It’s a statement more than a question, and he’s right.
Ciarán comes back from the bathroom, face free of makeup, eyes still a little red, but a look of determination in them. He looks at each of us, then back to me, head held high. “Shitty movie?”
There’s a chorus of quiet chuckles.
“Sounds perfect,” I agree easily, at the same time Noah eagerly asks, “Die Hard?”
Making Ciarán and Abbie groan while Aiden says, “Hell yeah.”
Ciarán walks to the sofa and shoos Abbie to the right side. He sits on the far left and pats the seat between them with a sly grin. I take the seat, shaking my head.
Noah winks at me, lips quirking as I drape both arms over the back of the sofa. Abbie tucks herself under my right arm, Ciarán under my left, my brother watching us with a warm smile.
It’s everything.