Chapter 50 NOAH
NOAH
I can’t stop yawning. I rub my eyes as another one comes on. I roll my neck side to side, hearing a crack as the kettle boils. I pop a teabag into a mug for Gabe and reach for the instant coffee for myself.
I haven’t been sleeping the best. My mind keeps going back to the day Gabe came home from the lake. I wake at night, heart racing, and have to spend time just watching him sleep. Needing to see the rise and fall of his chest.
Gentle hands land on my waist, warm lips press into the top of my compass tattoo, and I sigh in relief.
“Morning, baby,” I say through yet another yawn.
His arms band around my middle as he squeezes me lightly. “Morning, Blue,” he whispers into my neck. I pour the hot water into our mugs as he holds me. When I turn my head to look at him, there’s tension around his eyes.
“Everything okay?” I ask, turning fully.
“I’m worried about you.” He runs his thumb over the dark circles under my eyes, his own full of fierce certainty, before saying, “I think you should talk to someone. Whoever you’re comfortable with.
I know what I did impacted you…” He sniffles, placing his palms on my chest. “I’m sorry I did that to you. I never meant to hurt you.”
His lip trembles as he continues, “I want you to speak to me about how you’re feeling, too, but I think it might be good for you to talk to someone else as well.”
I sag against the counter. I know he’d never intentionally hurt me.
But he’s right, and I am struggling to process everything.
Loving someone this much and having no real control over what might happen with his mental health, it makes me feel helpless.
I can be there for him, support him, but love alone can’t fix it.
Gabe needs to do the work. And I need to be by his side.
He places his hands on either side of my neck, thumbs stroking behind my ears as he holds eye contact. “I hate seeing you hurting. I just want you to be happy. I want us to be happy.”
I swallow roughly, seeing so much care in his gaze is almost too much. As much as I always wanted him to look at me this way, I never thought it would happen. And now that I have it, I’ll do anything to keep it. “Okay, I’ll talk to someone.”
I kiss him lightly. “And Gabe, I am happy. I just love you so much, it’s hard to watch you struggle. But I’m not going anywhere. Me and you, we’re gonna be so happy together. I promise.” I drag him in and squeeze tight.
He nods, tightening his hold on me. “Okay, good. I love you too.”
“One more thing,” I begin, bringing my forehead to his. “No more apologies, okay? We’re moving forward.”
Mossy-green eyes search my face, crinkling at the corners before he breathes, “We’re moving forward.”
I’ve got an hour between clients, so I’m using it to lift for myself for once. I need it—the sense of calm and clarity the repetitive action always gives me.
The gym smells like sweat and eucalyptus cleaner. It’s busy enough today, we’ve started doing more classes, and Jules is leading yoga, which has been incredibly popular.
Theo’s spotting me on the bench press. “C’mon, man,” he drawls. “I know you’re stronger than that. Unless domestic bliss has made you weak.”
I grunt through the last rep, rack the bar, and shoot him a look. “You’re one to talk, you didn’t even finish your set.”
Theo smirks, grabbing his water bottle. “Sure I did, benched a little hottie all around my place last night.”
“A little hottie,” I repeat, sitting up. “You’re the worst.”
He throws his head back, laughing.
I run a palm over my jaw. “This hottie… does he have dark hair, bright eyes, and a love of dancing?”
Confusion lines Theo’s face before a look of glee takes over. “Holy shit, are you asking if I’m fucking Ciarán?”
Now I feel like an intrusive asshole. “Um… kinda?”
Theo laughs so hard it turns into a coughing fit, and he has to slam his palm against his chest as he wheezes. He wipes tears from his eyes. “Nah, man. Me and C are just friends. Also, I don’t make a habit of stepping on toes.”
My head rears back. “Whose toes?”
Theo tilts his head at me, grin widening, the kind that says he knows something I sure as shit don’t.
“Mm. Wouldn’t want to spoil the surprise.”
He claps my shoulder like we’re sharing some private joke, except I am not in on it.
“What I will tell you, though, is that I have no problem stirring the pot a bit,” he says with an evil cackle.
What the fuck? I just stand there, confused.
Even still, it’s easy talking to Theo like this.
He’s got that rare mix of dry sarcasm and quiet warmth.
There’s no pressure to fill the space. He’s fine with silence, and I’ve grown to like that.
I spot for him next, watching the smooth line of movement as he presses the bar.
The tattoos on his forearms flex with each rep, dark ink shifting across skin.
He racks the bar, breathes out through his nose, and gives me a nod—the universal gym signal for your turn. I drop back onto the bench and grab the bar again.
I finish my set and sit up, wiping sweat from my forehead. Theo’s scrolling his phone, thumb moving fast. He pauses, stilling completely, and his expression changes. His brows pull together, mouth tightening.
“What’s up?” I ask, reaching for my water.
He doesn’t look up right away. “Just—” He shakes his head a little, thumb hovering over the screen. “Someone followed the shop account. Haven’t seen the name in a long time.”
“How long?”
“Ten years,” he grunts after a second, then, “and two months.”
I whistle low. “That’s… oddly specific.”
“Yeah.” He locks the screen and tucks the phone into his pocket. His tone goes back to casual, but there’s something strained about it now. “Just didn’t expect it.”
We move through the rest of the set in companionable quiet. Between the thump of music and the steady rhythm of breathing, it’s easy to fall into that meditative headspace that lifting gives me.
When we finish, he wipes his hands and grabs his water again. “You and Gabe doing good?”
I look around the gym, it’s not exactly private. I gesture toward the back office, and he follows.
I drop into the chair, arms crossed, trying to sort through my thoughts.
Gabe said I should talk to someone, and I want to, I just don’t know where to start.
Theo leans against the wall instead of sitting.
Neither of us says anything. The silence stretches until it feels like a weight on my chest. Then it all comes out, and I tell him about Gabe, the lake, everything since.
“How’s he doing?” he asks softly.
“He’s… okay,” I manage. “He’s working through it. Therapy seems to be helping.”
Theo nods, eyes laser-focused on me. “And how are you doing?”
“I keep seeing it.” I exhale deeply. “The moment he came home, the vacant look in his eyes.” My voice cracks. “It’s like my brain can’t stop replaying it. Over and over. And I keep thinking… I should’ve noticed. I should’ve known something was wrong.”
Theo doesn’t interrupt. He doesn’t shift or fidget. He listens.
“I missed it,” I whisper.
Theo pushes off the wall and comes closer.
“You love him,” he says quietly. “But you’re not psychic.”
“I live with him,” I snap without meaning to. “We sleep in the same bed. I see him every fucking day. How did I not”—my breath hitches—“how did I not see he was struggling that badly?”
Theo lowers himself into the chair opposite me. “Because people who are hurting hide it, Noah. Especially the kind who don’t want to worry the people they love.”
I shut my eyes. “I keep waking up at night, checking if he’s breathing.”
“You’re afraid,” Theo says. “I think that’s probably a normal reaction.”
I let out a strained laugh and scrub a hand over my face. “You’re making it sound reasonable.”
“It is reasonable.” His voice softens even more. “You could have lost someone you love.”
I swallow hard, bile rising at the thought. “I feel like if I leave him alone, something will happen again.”
“Do you think that’s what he wants?”
I wince. “No. I don’t.”
I truly don’t. I see how hard he’s working on himself. I know he doesn’t want to be in a position like that again. But I’m still afraid. I know he didn’t consciously make the decision before to go to the lake, so what if something like that happens again?
“Then talk to him about it,” Theo murmurs. “Tell him you’re scared. Let him see it.”
“That’s the thing,” I whisper. “I don’t want him to feel guilty.”
“Let me tell you something,” he says seriously, making me sit straighter.
“People who’ve been that far into the darkness?
They don’t break when you show them your fear.
They break when you hide things like that from them, because then they feel like they’re fragile, feel like they have to tiptoe around everyone. ”
My brows crease. I don’t want to treat Gabe like he’s fragile; he’s the strongest person I know.
“He loves you,” Theo continues. “That means he’s allowed to see you in every way, even scared. It’s not his fault you’re hurting. It’s… a byproduct of loving someone who has struggles.”
I know Theo’s right. Gabe loves me as I love him.
I’m allowed to be scared where he can see it.
I’m allowed to say I’m afraid of losing you without it sounding like blame.
I’m allowed to let him know that loving him changed me—it left marks I carry, and I need him to carry them with me.
Just as I’ll carry whatever he needs me to.
We’re in this together.
“You’re right,” I say quietly.
Theo stands, rounding the table, and raises his hand, indicating he wants me to stand too. I do, slightly confused as to where this is going, when he throws an arm around me and pulls me into a crushing hug.
“Let other people hold you up, too,” he says. “Not just him. You’re both amazing men. You both deserve support.”
I lean back to look at him. His face is open, no walls, no sarcasm, no distance. Just honesty. A friend being there for another friend. Not shifting away from the uncomfortable.