Chapter 10 #2
“I didn’t send anything! I don’t know what this is.”
Ash looks at him curiously, then hands him back the phone. “Play it.”
“Don’t tell me what to do,” Kieran grumbles, before pressing play.
That something is definitely wrong, if that wasn’t apparent before, becomes clear when he sees the face in the video. It’s his face but…different? His cheeks are fuller, his hair longer, eyes brighter. And most striking of all, he looks…happy? Damn, he had no idea he could look like that.
“Hey, jerk,” the person wearing his face says, grinning brightly. He looks pretty annoying, to be honest. “Welcome to the shitshow.”
What the fuck? Why can’t he remember recording the video? And why does he look different in it?
Wait. What if… What if he got amnesia? One of those kinds that Drew Barrymore had in that stupid comedy movie where her brain reset itself after 24 hours. And now he has to record videos for himself to stay updated.
If that’s the case, there’s still one thing he can’t explain: What the fuck is Ash doing here with him, acting like a concerned boyfriend?
“You don’t have amnesia. I feel like that’s the first thing I should make clear. It’s a tad more complicated.”
Not amnesia? Then what? Has he been drugged and experimented on? What on earth is going on?
“You’ve time-traveled into your future.”
“What?!” Ash and Kieran yelp in unison, Kieran being a little more dramatic about it.
Okay, a lot more dramatic.
This can’t be… Time travel is not a thing. Not yet, anyway. And even if it was, he’d never sign up for it. He’s seen the movies; something always goes wrong!
But when he looks at the facts…
He’s at a place he doesn’t recognize, with a guy he can’t stand, and the guy seems just as confused as him.
“Save the meltdown for after you’ve watched the video, will you?”
“Fuck you.” Wow. Future Kieran is a dick.
“Fuck you too. Anyway, two years ago, I was where you are. Woke up buck naked next to Mr. Asshole after getting sloshed the night before. It sucked.”
“You’re telling me!”
Next to him, Ash makes a noise of protest. “Oh, you little brat.”
“Shh.”
“Calm down. I’ll guide you through this mess. I’ve scheduled these videos to be sent to you at specific times during the upcoming weeks.”
“I’ll be stuck here for weeks?!” Oh, this is a sick, sick joke.
“Yes, weeks. Now stop interrupting. Don’t try to hack the account I’m sending them from, by the way. I’m telling you, you want to digest this bit by bit. It’s better if I don’t dump everything on you at once, because you’re about to learn some fucked up shit.”
About to? That ship has sailed!
“First off, you should start making notes. You’ll need them to make and send these videos when it’s your turn. Obviously, none of the notes will come back with you when you return to your time. So just make sure to memorize as much as possible.”
At least he knows for sure he’ll be back at some point. If only he knew when. Hopefully, future Kieran will tell him—
“I’m not going to tell you when you’ll be back.
” What. A. Dick. “I don’t want you to hang onto it and miss what’s actually important.
And I won’t do anything that hasn’t been done by the version of us who sent these exact same videos to me.
If you just do things the same way I did, everything will work out. ”
“Uh-huh. No pressure.”
“Now, I’ll cover some basics, so you’re not left high and dry.”
“How considerate of you.”
“Okay, like a band-aid.” Kieran the Dick spreads his arms theatrically. “We are dating Ash Cleaver. We live together and have a cat named Tequila. She hates you, by the way.”
The phone hits the floor.
“Oh. My. God.”
This can’t be happening. It just can’t, plain and simple. Even if there was a universe where Kieran switched teams, he’d go for someone like, fuck, Chris Evans. Jake Gyllenhaal. Hell, he’d go for Gabe first. Not Ash.
Turning wide eyes to Ash, he stares. Ash stares back, his eyes…switching color again. Great. Because this is not disturbing enough.
“Wow. That hurts my feelings, you know?” Ash says, bending down to pick the phone up. He props it on his thigh—his very naked, very hairy thigh.
“That’s not all,” the recorded voice carries over. “We get our ass railed on the regular, and you know what? We love it. It feels fucking good.”
Ash snickers.
Kieran screams. Internally. Maybe externally. Hard to say. He’s pretty sure he checked out a while ago.
So this is what an out-of-body experience feels like.
“FYI, realizing you’re into dick is just the beginning. You’ll learn things that will be hard to believe and it’s okay to freak out. You will, because I did, but you’ll come around.”
“Fat fucking chance.”
“Moving on.” Kieran the Dick claps his palms together. “Dawson and Cal are still together, and they’re happy. Dawson is happy, okay? So chill, and stop planning homicide. Also, they renewed their vows and changed their names to Mr. and Mr. Winters. Lame, I know.
“Ellis and Gabe are still a thing. And when I say thing, I mean attached at the hip. It’s disgusting. And yes, Gabe forces us to double, or triple, date. It’s as bad as it sounds.”
“I wanna go home.”
“You can tell them about what’s happening. They’ll believe you.”
“Only a crazy person would believe this.”
“Speaking of crazy, you might wanna pay Zeke a visit. You know, since he’s the one who got you into this mess.”
“What?!” Kieran yelps, Ash chiming in with a much calmer, “Zeke did what?”
“Remember how he gave you a reading and threatened to perform a love spell? Yeah, well…”
“Are you telling me he’s a fucking witch?!” Kieran yells, while Ash wonders, “A love spell?”
Okay, Kieran might be able to get behind time travel. That’s science, you know? Advanced science, but still science. Not freaking magic.
“Correct. Except he didn’t know it back then, he just liked to play with candles and shit.”
“I’ll fucking kill him.” Slowly and painfully. And he’ll make Zeke eat his stupid fucking tarot deck.
“I suggest you milk this little getaway as much as you can. I know you’d rather go home and forget this is happening, but even if you flew back to the GC, everything is different now.
Your apartment is gone, Dawson and Cal got a house in Currumbin, and you quit your job and work from home.
Plus, this place is fucking awesome, so just… chill a little, yeah?”
“How am I supposed to chill with Mr. Pervert Pervertson in the same room?”
“I resent that,” Ash grunts, his protest wholly ignored.
“Stop being such a drama queen. Ash might always be down for business—he’s one horny bastard when it comes to us—but he won’t do anything you don’t want. Kind of the opposite.”
Kieran would have more to say about that, but Ash giving him earnest, puppy-dog eyes throws him off. Stop trying to be cute, dammit.
“Yeah, whatever,” he sniffs. “You’re sleeping on the sofa.”
To his credit, Ash doesn’t argue.
“Kieran,” his future self says, his voice suddenly firm and serious. “It will be okay. More than that, it will be great. You’re right where you are meant to be.” He waves. “Laters.”
“Wait!” Kieran snatches the phone from Ash, tapping the screen desperately. “Wait, come back! You’re leaving me here like this?!” The screen remains black, mocking him. “What a dick.”
Ash clears his throat. “I guess we don’t need to go to the hospital.”
“Look at you, being so positive while I’m stuck in my fucking future.” Remembering last-minute to hold the blanket tight before standing up, Kieran scans the room. Properly this time. “Where are we, anyway?”
“Fiji. It’s…uh…” Ash twirls his fingers, gaze slightly downcast. Holy shit, is he being bashful? “It’s our two-year anniversary.”
Kieran’s stomach does something weird at that moment. Is he gonna be sick? He doesn’t feel nauseous, though. Whatever, let’s just ignore it.
“Touching.” He stares Ash down defiantly. “I wanna go home.” He doesn’t care that his apartment is gone. He can get a hotel or something. At the Gold Coast. Which he knows.
Ash hesitates. Bites his lip. “We still have two days left.”
“I don’t care.”
“The beaches here are beautiful,” Ash insists.
“I live on the Gold Coast.”
“It’s a five-star resort. With a huge pool. And all-inclusive.”
Kieran’s ears perk up. He can fit lots of margaritas into two days.
“Two days, you say?”
Ash nods enthusiastically. Look at him, so eager…
“But you’re sleeping on the sofa.”
Ash’s shoulders sink a little. “Sure.”
“Guess I could be stuck in a worse place,” Kieran concedes with a sigh. “Okay. Okay, I need to process this. And I need a shower.” A bath. With bleach.
“You had one last night,” Ash supplies, unprompted. At Kieran’s raised eyebrow, he shrugs. “You can’t sleep feeling tacky.”
Clenching his fists at the visual, Kieran grumbles, “Still taking a shower.” Locating the bathroom, he stomps towards it.
“Need help?” Ash gives him a deceptively innocent smile. “I can scrub your back.” Kieran’s glare makes him smile wider.
“That’s not the place that needs scrubbing, and I can do it myself, thanks.”
Stepping in, he slams the door shut.