Chapter 20
Kieran comes to with a pounding headache and hungry as hell. He groans, willing his body to sink into the mattress. It’s a damn good mattress; it practically feels like a cloud. Blinking his eyes open, he can see he’s not in the guest bedroom.
“Hey,” comes from his right. “Are you with me?”
Ash is perched on the edge of the bed, brows furrowed like a concerned mother hen. Right. Because Kieran fainted like a damn damsel in a romcom.
Kieran harrumphs and throws a hand over his eyes to block out, well, the whole world. “Unfortunately.”
Ash chuckles. “Yeah, you’ll be alright.”
Kieran peeks at him. “Why are you smiling? I didn’t say anything nice.”
“You’re not exactly a nice person.”
Fair, but rude. “Fuck you too.”
“But you are kind, in your own way,” Ash goes on unprompted. “Funny, passionate, stubborn.” He smirks. “Hot as hell.”
“Will you stop?” Seriously. Every. Time.
He sits up, propping himself against the headboard and massaging his temples.
“Why? You like it.”
“No, I don’t.” He doesn’t. Not even a little. Not even a tiny bit.
He accepts the glass of water Ash silently offers him. Fuck, he’s parched and definitely dehydrated, not having drunk anything since yesterday afternoon. No wonder he fainted.
He downs the whole thing at once.
“You know I can tell when you’re lying, right?” Ash reminds him.
Kieran tenses, almost having forgotten that not even his thoughts are safe from Ash. “Get out of my head.”
“I don’t have to read your mind for that. I know you.”
Kieran watches his eyes carefully. No color change, just Ash staring at him intently, as usual.
“While we’re on the topic,” he starts. “I want you to be honest with me.”
“I’m always honest, Kieran,” Ash reassures him, and fuck, Kieran shouldn’t just take his word for it. He shouldn’t feel his whole being relax in response. He shouldn’t blindly trust him.
He shouldn’t do a lot of things when it comes to this infuriating man.
“Have you ever done anything to me? To my mind, I mean. With that—” he wiggles his fingers. “Weird mojo of yours?”
He holds his breath, unsure what answer he wants to hear.
“To you in particular, or in general?”
“Is there a difference?”
“Well, me and future you have rules for this. But yes, I’ve done it multiple times.”
Kieran licks his lips. He can’t really imagine a scenario where he would want someone manipulating his thoughts. “And to me?”
Ash squirms. Squirms. Kieran didn’t know he was physically capable of that. “Yes.”
Kieran exhales shakily. That’s… Fuck, he’s actually relieved.
But there’s something under the relief too. He can’t put a name to it, but it feels not all that great. Kinda like disappointment, which doesn’t make sense.
“So all this time, all those weird thoughts I’ve been having whenever you touch me. All those dreams; that’s your doing?”
Ash blinks. A slow, very dangerous smile nearly splits his face in half. “I don’t believe it is.”
“You just said—”
“I said I’ve done it, which is true. But I’ve only done it once.”
“W-what?”
“When we were on the plane and you got all anxious. I slipped you a thought that wasn’t yours.”
There was so much going through his head while plummeting through the sky in a metal tube, it’s hard to pinpoint—
Oh no. It’s coming back to him now. The image of himself being fucked into the mattress that popped out of nowhere and left him flustered and embarrassed.
“You fucker,” Kieran growls, gripping the sheets so he doesn’t claw Ash’s eyes out.
“I might’ve overstepped.”
“No shit!”
“But that was the only time,” Ash defends. “Whatever you’ve been feeling this whole time, that’s all you.”
“I don’t believe you.” He can’t believe him. “What about Fiji? When you grabbed me. And all those times we bumped into each other before. At the bar and the pub.”
Ash is visibly struggling not to laugh. “All you.”
“No.” Kieran shakes his head. “You’re lying.”
“Why would I lie about that but admit to the plane one?”
“To make yourself sound more trustworthy. It would be more sus if you claimed to never have messed with my head when you have the ability.”
“…You have a point,” Ash admits. “Well, I don’t know how else to prove it to you, but that really was the only time.”
It can’t be true. It can’t be. Because that would mean…
“Is it really that unfathomable that you could have feelings for me?” Ash asks, voice quiet and…hurt.
Kieran opens his mouth to say something snappy, but nothing comes out, despite having a whole arsenal of reasons.
“What would be so bad about falling for me, Kieran?” Ash presses as the silence goes on.
“It’s because…”
“Because?”
“You’re a man.” Kieran blurts out the first thing that comes to mind.
Ash has the nerve to roll his eyes. “How original.”
“It’s a legit reason!”
“I watched you salivate over Jake Gyllenhaal in Road House. You don’t get to make that excuse.”
“There’s a remake of Road House?! With Jake?!”
Ash isn’t amused. “You better come up with a different reason.”
“It’s still a legit reason. Jake is Jake. I get to have one free gay pass, everyone deserves one!”
“You have way too many passes to call yourself straight.”
Kieran crosses his arms. “Not true.”
“Uh-huh.” Ash starts counting on his fingers. “Jake, Chris Evans, Henry Cavill—”
“Henry doesn’t count! He's on everybody’s list.”
Another eyeroll. “Okay, fine.” Then Ash mumbles, “Not my type, but whatever.”
“Not your type.” Kieran scoffs. “You like them scrawny and ugly, huh?”
He realizes his mistake too late.
Ash is on him in a heartbeat. He straddles Kieran’s legs, immobilizing him.
“Hey! What do you think y—”
One of his hands lands next to Kieran’s head, the other slides into his hair and tugs, not painfully but firmly, until he has no choice but to look straight at Ash.
“I’ve warned you about the consequences of badmouthing yourself.” Ash’s voice is dangerously low.
Kieran’s life flashes in front of his eyes, as does Ash’s warning.
“Y-you can’t do that!” he stutters, face growing hot at the appalling thought of getting spanked like a misbehaving child.
Ash’s grin is outright predatory, making Kieran feel like a mouse about to be devoured by an eagle. “Can’t I?”
Kieran fumbles for a retort. “You can’t because I don’t consent. You hear me? I do not consent!”
He squeezes his eyes shut, fisting the sheets.
The difference between them is impossible to ignore—Ash is taller by what feels like a whole foot, heavier by a solid thirty kilos, and not even slightly out of breath. He’s got Kieran pinned like it’s nothing. Like holding him there doesn’t require effort.
It hits him all at once—how easily Ash could overpower him, how little control he actually has right now.
His heart slams against his ribcage like a jackhammer, and a weird, almost ticklish sensation coils low in his stomach.
His skin feels like it’s burning, heat rising so fast he’s sure it’s going to peel him apart from the inside out. He begins to shake—
Wait, that’s not him.
His eyelids spring open. “Are you laughing at me?” he says incredulously, watching Ash tremble from the effort not to. He doesn’t look angry anymore, or like he’s about to eat Kieran alive. His face is bright with mirth, and affection that has no place here.
He lets go of Kieran’s hair, leaving him strangely bereft, then strokes the same hand down his face, thumb brushing over his cheek.
“After all this time, I can’t get over how ridiculous you can be sometimes,” he says, sounding too fond for someone who’s taking the piss.
“Excuse you? So you can insult me, but I can’t? How’s that fa—”
“I love you.”
Kieran stares at him, completely, utterly lost. How did they get here?
“I love you so fucking much,” Ash says, each word deliberate, grounded, as if he’s been holding them in too long. “I love every single thing about you.”
He leans in, slow, careful, until their foreheads touch. “So please,” he murmurs, a slight waver in his voice. “Stop saying those horrible things about yourself.”
Kieran tries to swallow, but there’s a fucking tennis ball stuck in his throat. It takes several attempts to even speak.
“D-don’t you think you’re over-reacting? Everyone shits on themselves once in a while, I’m just keeping it realistic.”
“No,” Ash says, in that tone that leaves absolutely no room for argument. “You have no clue how wrong you are. If only you could see yourself the way I see you, you’d understand.”
What for? It’s not like Kieran cares about what Ash thinks, or how he sees him.
In fact, he doesn’t care what anyone thinks.
Why waste energy on something you can’t control?
If someone doesn’t like him, they’re welcome to fuck out of his life.
And if they do like him, well…it doesn’t matter.
They’re gonna change their minds eventually. He’s always gonna end up alone.
“Why don’t you show me, then?” he hears himself say.
“What?”
“You already said you can manipulate people’s thoughts. This shouldn’t be a problem.”
Ash studies him for a long time, the attention even more unnerving than usual. His throat bobs, and Kieran is strangely transfixed by the movement. So even Ash can act human sometimes.
Then his irises shift in a very non-human way, and Kieran braces himself. Gradually, the image of his face forms inside his mind. He’s in Ash’s place, looking down at himself, eyes wide like a startled deer and face flushed. In short, he looks embarrassing, and like an idiot.
“That’s literally just my face,” he points out. It doesn’t escape him that Ash entering his mind doesn’t feel nearly as intrusive as he’d expected.
Ash smiles and threads his fingers through Kieran’s hair. Not pulling, just stroking. “Yes.”
“I don’t get it,” Kieran says, ignoring the fact that he apparently enjoys being petted like a damn dog.
“The way I see you is not something you see with your eyes.”
“What else do you see with? Your ass?”
“You are such a brat,” Ash says, in that way that activates Kieran’s self-preservation instinct.