Chapter 20 #2
Fearing for his life, and his ass, he stutters through a retort when a pressure against his upper thigh makes him pause.
“Are you—are you fucking hard?”
Ash huffs, the sound toeing the line between a laugh and a groan. “Always.”
Jesus fucking Christ, Kieran knew it. Ash has denied it before, but Kieran just knew the pervert is big into degradation. Why else would he get all horny whenever Kieran talks back or throws insults at him? Kieran’s not even surprised anymore, just appropriately appalled.
But for some reason, he doesn’t feel the instant urge to run as far as possible and hide.
Why am I not freaking out? The guy who claims to be into me literally has his dick pressed against me and I’m just lying here like a limp fish.
Maybe this is what resignation feels like.
But resigned or not, nothing is happening between them.
Kieran doesn’t care if the guy’s balls go so blue they fall off; he’s not just gonna let Ash use him for release.
He’s not going to let Ash strip him bare.
He’s not going to let Ash touch every inch of his skin or kiss him.
He’s most definitely not going to let Ash enter his body while whispering into his ear all the sappy shit about how beautiful Kieran is and how much he loves him.
Kieran tenses up as the tell-tale feeling of familiar heat starts pooling in his lower belly.
Nonono, don’t get hard. Whatever you do, you can’t get hard!
He’s two seconds away from hyperventilating when Ash suddenly slides off him. He sits with his back to Kieran, shoulders in a tight line.
“I’m sorry. I never have much luck controlling my body when you’re around.”
Considering that Kieran’s body decided to betray him too, he’s not really one to talk. But he can still try.
“Maybe you should have your hormones checked.” And so should I.
He rearranges the blankets around his lower body while Ash isn’t looking. His dick seems to have calmed down a bit, but he’s not taking any chances.
Ash chuckles. “Maybe I should.” He twists around, his smile soft and a little tired. “How are you coping, by the way?”
“With the fact that I’m currently stuck in an episode of Supernatural? As well as you’d expect.” At least he hopes that’s what Ash is referring to, and not his sudden sexuality crisis. Clearly, he’s got it so bad he’d rather deal with reapers and witches.
“From where I’m standing, you’re doing rather well,” Ash praises. If it weren’t for that annoying, fond expression of his, Kieran would think he’s being teased again.
“It’s all true, then?” he asks, because there’s still a part of him that’s full of doubts. “No bullshit?”
“No bullshit.”
“And the other me…he knows all this?”
“We all told him. But looking at it in retrospect, he must’ve already known.” Ash grins. “He was just playing along.”
“And you said I was a terrible liar,” Kieran reminds him, feeling smug.
“You’re right, I apologize. Your deception skills are outstanding. You tricked us all.”
Kieran tries to fight a smile and fails.
Somewhere down the road, the banter they have going on has started to become familiar, almost comforting in a way.
He can dial the sarcasm up to the max, dish out cut-throat comments left and right, and Ash just takes it.
Or, better yet, joins in. No matter how over-the-top Kieran gets, or how much his mood swings, Ash doesn’t get intimidated. He doesn’t get tired. He doesn’t leave.
For now, something inside him whispers, but he hears the message loud and clear. It settles in the pit of his stomach like a ball of lead, cold and unforgiving.
I can’t be getting used to this. I don’t even belong here.
Right. If everything goes as it’s supposed to, he’ll eventually return to his time, and his life with Ash will be…non-existent.
And in case something goes wrong, and he gets stuck here forever, Ash will start to resent him for not being the Kieran he’s so hung up on.
No matter the outcome, whatever the two of them have will be gone.
“Ash.”
“Yes?”
“I’m scared,” he confesses, the honesty shocking even himself. “What if I fuck up whatever I’m supposed to do here and never make it back? I mean, it’s all too much.”
Ash doesn’t have a reply ready. No ‘don’t worry, you will’ or ‘everything will turn out okay, you’ll see’. Of course not. Because he promised Kieran to always be honest.
Damn him. He could lie at least once.
“Would that be so bad?”
“Huh?”
“If you never went back, if you stayed here with us. With me…” Ash slides his hand across the mattress until their fingertips touch. “Would that really be so bad?”
Of course it fucking would! Kieran wants to yell. Where would the other him end up? In the past? And how is he expected to carry on with his life while missing two whole years of memories?
Time-travel complications aside, how could Ash be okay with this?
“Don’t you want the other Kieran back? You know, the one who doesn’t insult you all the time and has better anger management? The one who exercises and doesn’t live on tequila and sarcasm?” Face heating up, he adds, “The one who puts out?”
At the last part, Ash cracks a smile. “I do miss the hanky panky.”
Kieran scowls. So much for a serious conversation. “I don’t know what I was expecting. And I can’t believe you just said ‘hanky panky’.”
“Kieran, you two are not that different,” Ash says, more solemnly now. “You still keep me on my toes, call me out when I cross a line. You live and breathe sarcasm and, I’m sorry to break it to you, but you’re still a hothead.”
“Oh.”
Is that right? The way Ash always talks about future Kieran makes it sound like they’re two completely different people.
“That being said, I have no doubt you’ll be able to go back,” Ash adds, placing his hand on top of Kieran’s. “You just need to have a little more faith in yourself.”
Kieran looks at their joined hands, freaked out by the fact that he’s…not freaking out. Is this how exposure therapy works? The more Ash touches him, the more unfazed he becomes?
To be fair, he’s already had Ash’s boner pressed against him, so hand-holding shouldn’t get his blood pressure up.
“What are we?” he ends up asking.
“Huh?”
“We already established that what we have is not normal. So what are we?”
Ash opens his mouth and promptly closes it. “I’ll tell you once I get some food in you. That’s non-negotiable,” he adds when Kieran is about to protest.
“Fine.” He’s only agreeing because he’s hungry, not because Ash gave him an order. He kicks off the blanket, getting ready to stand up, but Ash stops him with a hand on his shoulder.
“Stay. I’ll whip something up.” He gives Kieran’s cheek a gentle stroke, then disappears into the kitchen. Just like that. Like it’s normal. Like it’s nothing new. Like he’s not completely rewriting Kieran’s body chemistry.
Fuck, Kieran hates him. Can’t stand him.
But there’s a small possibility—tiny, miniscule, practically insignificant—that he might like him too.