Chapter 21
One unexpectedly delicious stir-fry later, Ash sits them down on the sofa and dives straight in.
“I’ll start by saying that what we are didn’t happen overnight. We put a lot of time and effort into making it perfect for both of us.”
“Okay, tell me one thing first,” Kieran interrupts. “Are we doing, like, BDSM stuff?”
Please, let me be wrong.
A corner of Ash’s mouth lifts. “You caught on, huh?”
Fuuuck.
“You can only threaten to spank me so many times before I realize something doesn’t add up,” Kieran deadpans, hoping his expression radiates deep displeasure.
“To put your mind at ease; it’s not what you think. What we do is more…nuanced.”
“Can you not talk in riddles?” Because this vague shit doesn’t help. At the mention of BDSM, Kieran’s mind automatically conjures up images of dungeons with chains and whips hanging on the walls.
“There are no whips or chains in the apartment. So stop freaking out.”
“Get out of my head,” Kieran snaps.
“Just trying to help. You have hard limits, Kieran, and I would never cross them.”
This from a man who regularly strolls through his thoughts like it's an open house.
“Can’t imagine there’s much stuff I’d be willing to do.” He used to think of himself as a fairly kinky guy, and the girls he dated reflected that. But compared to what Ash must be into, he’s basically missionary with the lights off.
“You’re freakier than you think,” Ash says matter-of-factly, then goes on before Kieran can object to that. “But to be fair, the power dynamic that we have is more practical than physical.”
“Riddles. Again.”
“Does it translate to our sex life? Absolutely. But it’s more about how we act around each other. It’s a lifestyle.”
A lifestyle. Kieran’s heard about that before. He might’ve even watched a documentary on it.
He remembers feeling properly appalled by some stuff.
“Please tell me this isn’t some fucked up master/slave dynamic. I will not be licking your shoes.”
He’s not sure whether to be relieved or scared when Ash lets out a boisterous laugh.
“Your mind is amazing, always jumping to extremes.”
Okay, that means he should be relieved, right?
“You noticed I like control, yes?” Ash asks when he’s calmed down. He’s still smiling, though, the prick.
“You? No way.”
“I get…edgy. I panic if I feel out of control.”
“Funny. That’s how I feel when someone tries to control me.”
Ash licks his lips. He seems to hesitate with whatever he wants to say, which means Kieran’s not gonna like it.
“Would you believe me if I told you that’s not quite true?”
Aaand he was right. “Huh?”
“I know that what you went through as a child did a number on you.”
Kieran stiffens at the mention of his childhood. He never told Ash. He never told anyone. Logically, he knows the other him must’ve spilled the beans at some point, but it doesn’t make him panic any less.
Voice softer than before, Ash continues, “I know it made you resistant to authority. I know that you spend most of your day battling with anxiety and emotions you don’t know how to handle.
I know you blow up over the supposedly smallest things because you’re so used to people constantly stepping over your boundaries.
I know that you hate being told what to do. ”
He leans forward, and Kieran fights the urge to move back, to safety. Away from these eyes that are too perceptive, that look at him like they hold all the secrets of his soul.
“I also know that a part of you, one that you’ve always been terrified to acknowledge, just longs for someone to take your hand and tell you exactly what to do.”
Kieran’s heart beats so fast he’s afraid it will break through his ribs. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Of course, Ash picks up on his panic instantly. He shuffles forward until he’s close enough to touch, placing a hand on Kieran’s knee.
Kieran loathes the way all the tension leaves his body at the contact, like he’s been conditioned to react that way. Like Ash is a drug he needs to function, and not someone who has the potential to completely destroy him.
“Kieran, it’s okay. I’m not taunting you. I’m not making fun of you. I’m just pointing out something you’ve suspected for a while but kept buried due to shame, and fear of being taken advantage of. It’s understandable.”
“So, what you’re saying is…you make all the decisions for me,” Kieran summarizes, barely able to believe the words coming out of his mouth.
“Only the ones you’re not able, or willing, to make yourself. The ones that feel like a burden instead of giving you a sense of freedom.”
Ash leans back, breaking the contact. Kieran feels the loss like a punch in the gut, but he’ll be damned if he says anything.
“It’s not that complicated, Kieran. Have you ever been stuck at a crossroads, unable to commit to a choice? Maybe for fear of making a wrong one, or simply because it was too much responsibility? And you thought to yourself: I wish someone could decide for me, take the weight off my shoulders.”
“I mean, yeah, but I eventually made it myself anyway, because if there was someone, chances were they would just pick something that would suck.”
People wrongly label him as a responsible person who will always take it upon himself to resolve an issue. What a joke. Kieran’s not responsible, he’s just fucking done waiting for someone to help him. It’s easier to take care of everything himself. The only way to keep himself safe.
“Which is why you would only let the person you trust, who has your wellbeing at the forefront of their mind, make the choice for you,” Ash says, words heavy with insinuation.
“And that’s…you?”
He sits back, arms open and face smug. “Ash Cleaver, at your service.”
A breathless laugh is punched out of Kieran. “I must be losing it, but it’s actually starting to make sense.”
While he doesn’t have a rational explanation for it, he can’t deny he instinctively trusts Ash. And he can’t even blame it on this body, because there had been signs even before he time-hopped.
“So, how do we work out when you make decisions and when I make them? Like, do I ever get a say?”
Yeah, okay, he’s at a stage where he can admit that letting someone else call the shots sounds pretty fucking relaxing. But, surely, a line must be drawn somewhere.
“Darling, you have all the power here.” Kieran’s so distracted by being called ‘darling’—and the fact he doesn’t hate it—that he almost misses the rest of what Ash is saying. “You just decided to give it over to me because you trust me. But one word from you, and everything stops.”
“I take it back. It just stopped making sense. How can I have all the power, but also none, at the same time?”
Ash purses his lips, trying to come up with an explanation.
And that’s another thing. He always takes the time and effort to explain things. He doesn’t get frustrated when Kieran doesn’t understand something. Never looks at him like Kieran is stupid, even though he probably is. He’s always been a little slow on the uptake.
But for some reason, he doesn’t feel stupid when he’s with Ash. Confused and irritated, absolutely. But not stupid.
Funny how being with someone so unapologetically arrogant and patronizing makes him feel better about himself.
“Have you ever been to an escape room?” Ash asks.
“A couple of times.” Back in uni, and both times were with Dawson, who does not perform well under pressure. Kieran gave up after that.
“It’s like that. You pretend you can’t escape without solving the puzzles. You get the adrenaline hit, but you can stop anytime.”
“So we are…pretending?”
“Essentially.”
Huh. Okay, that’s… That doesn’t sound too terrible. Like watching a horror movie. Or going on a rollercoaster. Technically, that one you could die on, but the point stands.
Ash scooches closer again, resting an arm on the back of the sofa.
“I know it must be difficult to wrap your head around it right now. I’ll tell you one thing, though, which I hope will put you at ease.”
Kieran swallows, something in his gut telling him that the next words are going to be monumental.
“You are safe,” Ash says, enunciating each word carefully. “What we do, every decision I make for you, or that we make together, it’s safe. Not only for you, but for me too. We keep each other safe.”
Okay, Kieran’s officially lost it. Because right now, this arrangement sounds pretty damn sweet.
But there’s one thing he doesn’t get. “What do you need to be safe from?”
Ash’s responding smile doesn’t hold much humor. It’s more rueful, almost pained.
“I have my demons,” he admits quietly, searching out Kieran’s eyes. This time, when he smiles, it’s soft and affectionate again. “You happen to be very good at keeping them at bay. Or should I say, you’re very good at taming them.”
It hits Kieran at once, the ice-cold realization how self-absorbed he’s been.
All this time, he’s made it all about himself; his problems, his traumas, his likes and dislikes.
He’s been so blinded by his piss-poor self-esteem he couldn’t even fathom that Ash might have a deep-seated reason for being in a relationship with him.
That being with Kieran might be healing for a part of him too.
That, god forbid, Ash’s life isn’t as perfect as it seems.
As much as it pains him to admit it, Ash is obviously a catch. He could have anyone he wanted. An endless parade of men willing to fall at his feet.
But he chose Kieran.
Suddenly, Kieran desperately wants to find out why. He wants to find out about those demons he’s supposedly good at putting in their place.
“Did I answer your questions?” Ash asks after neither of them have said anything for a while.
“Created more of them, to be honest. But…I do feel better.” Which is unexpected. Kieran was bracing himself to be traumatized beyond repair after this conversation was over.
“I’m glad.”
“So, the stunt you pulled in Fiji. That’s something we normally do?”
“Yes and no.” Ash taps his fingers against his thigh. Kieran stares at him flatly until he elaborates.