Chapter 21 #2
“The number one rule we have is that everything is out in the open, but I went and did something behind your back because I was in uncharted waters and handled it poorly.”
“At least you can admit you fucked up,” Kieran says, unwillingly impressed. He’s never met someone who communicates so openly, and he still doesn’t know how to act. “Why do that, though? Am I not allowed to drink in this little game of ours?”
“It’s one of the things you decided to give me control over. You’re prone to indulging in self-harming behaviors.”
Kieran bristles, shooting to his feet. “What the fuck? I don’t self-harm!”
“Drinking away your emotions? Shutting yourself in your room when you feel vulnerable, even though what you need the most is not to feel alone? Never asking for help because you have this belief that if you ask you will just be bothering people? Talking negatively about yourself?”
It’s as if Ash is crossing items off a shopping list, each item embedding itself in Kieran’s skin like a pinprick.
“Well, I—I…”
“Call it whatever you want,” Ash cuts in, the air around him shifting to something darker.
“Self-harm, self-sabotage, being a stubborn ass—point is, I won’t stand for it.
I won’t watch you do it to yourself. When I see you doing something harmful, I will put a stop to it. And you will listen to me.”
Kieran swallows, his insides twisting like he’s standing at the edge of a cliff—about to jump, not sure if he’ll survive, yet unable to stop himself.
“Unless I say the word, you mean?”
It’s crazy that one word has the power to change everything. To make everything stop if he gets scared or overwhelmed. One word that’s like a safety net during a free fall.
If only he could use it for all the things in his life.
“Kombucha,” Ash says.
Kieran blinks, then grimaces as the word evokes a very real sensation of vinegary taste on his tongue.
“What the— Wait, is that our safeword?”
“It’s yours.”
Disgusting, but apt. “We have different ones? What’s yours?”
Ash shudders. “Magpie.”
“Ma-magpie,” Kieran repeats, nearly doubling-over from laughter. “Seriously?”
Ash gives him a wide, terrified look. “They are creatures from hell, Kieran.”
“Sure, whatever you say.” He wipes a tear from the corner of his eye, shaking his head. He can’t believe what a dork Ash can be. It almost makes him excited to discover his other quirks and traits that are hiding under that super-composed exterior.
“What are you looking at?” he quips when he notices Ash staring.
“You. I’m always looking at you,” Ash says simply. Probably thinking it’s romantic and not bordering on obsessive and inappropriate.
Somehow, Kieran can’t summon the strength to be annoyed by it.
“Creep,” he says, without heat.
Ash grins. “Nah. Just a guy in love.” His stupid grin widens when he notices Kieran’s blush. Then he stands up. “You should rest some more. Your brain must be exploding.”
A snappy ‘Don’t tell me what to do’ tickles Kieran’s tongue, but he seals his lips shut. It’s more of a knee-jerk reaction than genuine upset about being ordered around. And, to be fair, he is tired.
“Yeah, okay,” he mumbles. The nauseatingly sweet smile Ash gives him shouldn’t make him all fluttery. It shouldn’t make him wonder what it would feel like to have that smile pressed against his lips.
Yeah, he better scram before he does something there will be no coming back from.
He all but runs back to the bedroom, crawling under the covers like it can hide him from the world, from Ash. But mainly from himself, and all the feelings that make the carefully built fortress around his heart crumble like a house of cards.
Clearly, he can’t even be allowed this much. His phone pings with a notification. He knows it’s another video without even checking. After today’s revelations, there’s no way his future self doesn’t have something to say.
“Hey, there.” The other him waves awkwardly from the screen. “So…that’s a thing that happened. Well, things.”
“I’m laughing on the inside.”
“I know, I know. It’s a lot,” Kieran 2.0 placates.
“I also know that what Ash said about our relationship freaked you out more than the whole supernatural situation.” Not wrong.
“Everything he told you is true, but I don’t have to tell you that.
You can feel it when he talks to you, looks at you. And you’re scared shitless.”
“You have a point, smartass?” Kieran grits out. There’s no need to be saying this out loud!
“There’s only one thing I need you to do.”
“Only one? How generous.” He doesn’t like how serious the other him looks.
“Don’t run away,” future Kieran says. “From anything, but especially yourself. Let yourself feel everything, Kieran, however unfamiliar or scary it is. Like Ash said, you’re safe. You’re safe with him.”
Normally, Kieran would roll his eyes and file that under crap for people with motivational quotes in their Insta bio. But something has shifted.
Maybe it’s the way Ash sat across from him earlier, stripping the conversation bare until there was no room left for doubt.
Maybe it’s his steady, unwavering presence keeping Kieran together, just as he’s about to fall apart.
Maybe it’s the way Ash looks at him, as if he’s worth holding onto, even on his worst days and no matter how much he pushes him away.
Whatever it is, it’s lodged under Kieran’s skin. Carved into his heart. Probably branded in his soul, if a thing like that exists.
For the first time, he’s not dismissing the words. He’s letting them in, letting them fill up the space where there’s only ever been a void. Letting himself imagine—no, want—the kind of life that could be waiting for him if he stops fighting it. This kind of life.
And for the first time, the thought of wanting it doesn’t feel like a weakness. It doesn’t feel like defeat. It feels like coming up for air after a lifetime of drowning.
“Yeah, okay. I’ll try.” His voice is hoarse. Hoarse as if he spent the night at a death metal concert, not as if he’s about to cry, mind you!
“One more thing, take Gabe up on the offer to learn how to fortify your mind. There’s something I want to tell you that Ash must not know about. So I can’t tell you until I’m sure that he won’t be able to take a sneak peek inside your noggin.”
“What happened to no secrets?” As ridiculous as it sounds, the idea of keeping something from Ash suddenly makes him anxious.
“I’m not going behind his back,” future Kieran defends. “It’s… It’s a surprise, okay?”
Kieran scoffs. “Yeah, right.”
“Don’t be dick,” the other him grumbles, then grins. “Just ride one. Bye!”
“You little fucking—”
Aaand he’s gone. Naturally.
Kieran switches the phone off, just in case, and flops onto his side, his heart still hammering from the epiphany.
It’s not until his gaze fixes on the wall, on the pictures of him and Ash, that it occurs to him he never went back to the guest bedroom.