Chapter 23
Finally, some peace and quiet. Ash has fucked off to work and Kieran has the fancy apartment to himself.
Hiss.
Okay, not completely to himself. “Shut up. You’re not in charge here,” he tells the orange menace who has been—he’s sure of it—planning his murder ever since he sat down to watch some Netflix. He swears, whenever she hisses at him it sounds like: Get out, intruder!
Hiss.
“If you keep going, I might accidentally lock you in the washing machine while doing laundry. How would you like that?”
Tequila dips her head low, her shoulder blades popping out and tail swishing through the air. She lets out one last hiss before walking away.
Kieran smirks. “That’s what I thought.” He props his feet on the coffee table and resumes Road House.
Damn, he can’t believe he’s watching a movie from the future. He’ll need to check everything that’s been released by Marvel in the last two years. This time-travel to the future thing might not be a complete scam.
The movie starts with a bang. Kieran’s glued to the screen, Jake’s easy charisma pulling him in.
The guy really outdid himself this time, he’s so ripped!
Who can blame Kieran if he has a teeny tiny crush on the guy?
Who wouldn’t? Just look at him! If Ash was here, he’d find a million and one reasons to tease Kieran about it.
It hits him suddenly, how quiet the apartment is without Ash, how big and empty. Maybe it’s because Ash is such a huge, annoying presence that the absence of him feels so acute.
It’s not that Kieran misses him. He doesn’t.
He’s just… not used to being on his own again, not after days of Ash being set on orbiting every step he took.
Back then, Kieran swore he needed a break.
Now that he has it, it doesn’t feel particularly relaxing.
It’s as if he’s floating in space, weightless—which is nice, but also makes him feel lost, which is not nice.
As irritating as he is, Ash has a remarkably grounding effect on him.
After pushing through another twenty minutes of the movie—which he can’t recall a single thing about—Kieran admits defeat. He’s officially become that pitiful type of person who can’t handle being on his own for long. How embarrassing.
Fine, then. He might as well make use of his free time and pay Gabe a visit.
Naturally, Gabe’s nowhere to be seen when Kieran arrives. Instead, he’s greeted by Zeke’s gradually paling face.
“Calm your tits, I come in peace,” he says when Zeke is about to make a run for it.
“How do I know you’re not just waiting for an opportunity to strike?”
“Guess you don’t.”
Zeke sighs, looking rather remorseful, unlike the last time Kieran was here.
“Just so you know, I tried looking up a reverse spell, but there’s nothing about time-travel.”
“Do me a favor and never touch that damned book again. And don’t sulk.”
While Zeke continues pouting like a child who was denied candy, Gabe emerges from the kitchen wearing an apron with a picture of a croissant and the words: Just roll with it.
Kieran heaves a sigh. I should’ve stayed home.
Gabe beams when he spots him. “Hey, stranger! Haha. Get it? Stranger.”
I definitely should’ve stayed home.
“Hilarious.”
“You look better.”
“It can’t get any worse, can it? Anyways, I’m here to take you up on your offer. Future me really wants me to learn how to block your lovely cousin out.”
“Oh, sure. Zeke, will you be okay by yourself?”
Zeke is already nodding, no doubt excited that he won’t have to entertain Kieran. “No worries. I have it covered.”
“Thanks.” Gabe crooks his finger and pushes open the door to the staff room. “Come on through.”
To Kieran’s relief, he doesn’t fuck around. He sits them both down, facing each other, and says, “There are several ways you can do this, depending on how creative you are.”
“Not very.”
“That’s okay, I’ll give you some pointers.
” He purses his lips, tapping a finger against them.
“Ash has once described his ability as walking through the door into someone’s house, except the house is your mind.
So, ideally, you wanna bolt the door shut.
” He pauses to think. “But you’d also have to bolt the windows. And the basement.”
“I’m already exhausted.”
“Okay, forget what I said. Here’s another one. It’s my favorite. Imagine you’re surrounded by a forcefield.”
“So Ash gets zapped?” Kieran snorts. He likes the idea.
“Fun fact: he can,” Gabe confirms, grinning like he too likes to see his cousin suffer. “He’s extending his consciousness to mingle with yours. When he’s on your turf, you can defend yourself.”
“So I could punch his consciousness?”
“Definitely.”
“Awesome. I’m starting to like this.”
“Thought you would. And another thing, if you wanna mess with him—” This mischievous side of Gabe’s is really endearing.
“You can make him see what you want him to see. As in, project your thoughts. Obviously, he’ll only pick up on it if he actually tries to connect with you, but still, it can be fun. ”
“Reminds me of that final scene in Breaking Dawn. Which I didn’t watch,” Kieran backtracks quickly. “I just saw something on YouTube.”
“Of course,” Gabe says, very seriously.
“One thing really worries me, though. What if I don’t notice he’s trying to get inside my head? I know there’s the eye thing, but I’m not always gonna be staring at him. What if he catches me off guard?”
Sounds like something he would do. Something he has done, repeatedly.
“You can learn to be sensitized to intrusion. It takes a bit of practice, but you’ll eventually get there. It feels like…” Gabe searches for the word. “A tickle. You know when you feel like someone’s watching you?”
“Yeah. Creepy as.” Interestingly, he’s never felt like that around Ash.
“It’s kinda like that. Sorry that I can’t explain it more clearly, it’s more intuitive than physical.”
“No, that’s okay. I think I get it.” Basically, he’s supposed to rely on his gut. Great.
“Wanna give it a go?”
“How do we know I’m doing it right?”
“Think of something that makes you feel a strong emotion. At the same time, imagine you’re surrounded by that forcefield. I’ll try to detect the emotion. Don’t worry, I don’t need to poke around inside your head for this.”
“Okay.”
Weirdly enough, knowing that Gabe is going to be ‘tuning into him’ makes him more unsettled than when Ash does it. Kieran must be losing his mind.
He closes his eyes and focuses on creating the forcefield.
Fortunately for him, he’s watched plenty of sci-fi to draw inspiration from.
Plus, building impenetrable walls is something he has lots of experience with.
Granted, those have been built around his heart, but the mind shouldn’t be too difficult.
And it’s not. At first, anyway. But when he tries to conjure up a solid thought while holding the forcefield, it becomes significantly more challenging.
Here goes nothing.
He thinks of the first—and last—time he tasted kombucha, which triggers an instant feeling of revulsion. His gag reflex kicks in as if that disgusting thing is actually in his mouth.
Hearing Gabe laughing his ass off makes him open his eyes, which, naturally, makes him lose focus.
“What?” he says irritably.
“I can tell by your face you’re thinking something gross,” Gabe manages between giggles. ”Maybe I should close my eyes too. Your face is very telling.”
“Great.” He forces his face to relax. Given how Gabe continues giggling, it’s not working. He waits until Gabe closes his eyes and gives it another go.
This time he thinks of Dawson. Of their early uni days, before Dickhead, when they spent most of their free time together, and all the shit they got up to. Although Dawson was too mild-mannered to cause any real trouble. He spent most of his time saving Kieran from his own bad decisions.
Kieran chuckles. Years later, and Dawson is still the same. Except now they rarely see each other.
“Nostalgia,” Gabe says.
Fuck. He got so caught up in reminiscing about the good old days he completely neglected to hold up the barrier.
“Not bad at all for a first try,” Gabe tries to placate him. “I could feel the pushback, but once I applied pressure, you caved.”
“My concentration is shit.” And he didn’t feel Gabe trying to get through at all, so his intuition is shit too.
“That’s what practice is for. Let’s go again.”
Kieran loses track of how many tries it takes, but with each one it gets easier. Gabe takes longer and longer to name the emotions, and, at some point, Kieran starts feeling his pokey presence too.
“You learn super fast,” Gabe praises him, impressed. “I could barely sense anything. I can’t even tell what that last emotion was, it was too faint.” He gives him a thumbs up. “Now, let’s try something that really makes you feel things.”
Right. Because big emotions mean big distractions.
Kieran knows just the one.
The forcefield rises with little effort, now that he’s practiced properly. Then, Ash’s dumb face manifests in front of him. Kieran can already feel his blood pressure rising, his heart starting to beat faster.
Ash’s lips start to move, a bunch of frustrating words spilling out. Kieran only listens to them with one ear, not wanting to lose his grip on the barrier because fake-Ash got him too riled up.
Among the noise, he hears broken off bits and pieces.
“…hothead…”
“…brat…”
“…how ridiculous you can be sometimes…”
“…by your side…”
“…always been you…”
“…I love you…”
“Wow.”
Gabe’s voice snaps him back to reality. Shit. So much for not getting worked up. He’s actually shaking a little.
No surprise there. Listening to Ash talk will do that to you. Unfortunately, he’s pretty sure he lost the grip on the forcefield halfway through, and Gabe’s reaction confirms it.
“That was a good one.”
Dropping his elbows to his thighs, Kieran fists his hair. “I fucked up again.”
“That happens with strong emotions. Especially love.”
Kieran’s head snaps up so fast he hears his neck crack. “Excuse me?”
Gabe gives him a confused look. “The thing you were thinking about. It’s something you love very much.” A pause. “That’s what you were going for, right?”
“N-no! I was thinking annoying things!”
Gabe seems pretty uncomfortable now. Well, he should! How could he get it so wrong?
“That’s not what it felt like to me.”
“Guess your radar is broken.”
Gabe’s face goes from ‘Well, this is awkward’ to ‘Oooooh, I get it!’.
“You were thinking about Ash, weren’t you?”
Kieran’s jaw goes slack, which makes it very hard to defend himself.
“Now the confusion makes sense,” Gabe carries on merrily. “He’s my cousin, and I love him, but man, do I wanna bury him six feet under sometimes.”
Kieran’s shoulders slump. “He’d crawl back up. Like a damn cockroach.”
“He so would.”
At least Gabe gets it. Some people are excellent at making you feel a whole myriad of emotions, right across the scale.
But that doesn’t mean Kieran loves Ash. He doesn’t!
He just…doesn’t hate him as much as he used to, and—as he told Ash yesterday—he’s willing to admit the guy has some positive traits.
For one, he is good at handling Kieran’s moods and never gets annoyed with him.
That’s pretty impressive. And he’s a great cook.
And even though he’s been dating future Kieran for years, he’s never tried to force his feelings, or himself, on Kieran.
He’s given Kieran space and only pushed him enough to keep him on his toes.
And he knows all Kieran’s likes and dislikes.
He has a twisted sense of humor that took a little getting used to, but looking at it now, it compliments Kieran’s.
And he can be surprisingly sweet sometimes, mainly when he’s shutting up, and—
Jesus Christ, write a fucking poem about him, why don’t you?
Okay, reality check: Kieran might be developing feelings that are not 100% negative. But he’s not in love! He’s not!
“Kieran?” Gabe’s soft voice cuts through his meltdown. “I’m happy for you. What I felt when I tapped into you? It felt beautiful. Strong and chaotic,” he admits with a small laugh. “But beautiful. You don’t have to fight it, you know?”
‘You are safe. You are safe with me.’
“It’s not that I want to fight,” Kieran admits shakily. “Fighting is fucking exhausting.”
“Then what’s the issue?”
“The alternative would be to give in.”
“Okay?”
“Giving in means letting myself have something I never had.”
“Uh, yeah? That’s the good part— Oh.” Gabe’s face softens with understanding. “You don’t want good things if there’s a chance you’ll lose them.”
Damn, he’s good. Except it was never about losing things—or rather, the people who make the good things happen. You don’t lose people.
They leave. There’s a difference.
His whole body feeling like someone went over it with sandpaper, Kieran stands up. “Thanks for the magic lesson. I’ll get going.”
“Okay. I’m here if you need me.” Gabe smiles lopsidedly. “Zeke too.”
Kieran scowls. “Don’t poke the bear, Gabe.”
“Sorry, I couldn’t help it.”
“Yeah, yeah. Thanks again. I…guess I have some thinking to do.”
“Maybe less thinking, more feeling.”
“Sounds dreadful.”
Gabe grins, then suddenly goes still, his eyes starting to glow again. It’s a little strange, because this time the action seems almost involuntary.
“Hey, Kieran…”
“Yeah?”
Gabe closes his eyes, and when he opens them again, they’re their regular amber color.
“It’s okay if you can’t love yourself first,” he says, voice soft. “There are others who are more than happy to do it for you.”
Kieran frowns. What’s with the sudden fortune cookie wisdom? Whatever, Gabe is just being Gabe, which means weird as fuck.
“Okay, Yoda,” Kieran retorts with a snort. He salutes Zeke on the way out and heads down the street with no particular direction in mind. He just doesn’t wanna go home yet.
He went to Gabe to regain some semblance of control, but leaving the café now, he feels more raw and vulnerable than when he walked in.