Chapter 29 #3
“It’s not fair. You know everything about me, all my sob stories. You won’t let me keep anything from you. How can you expect me to be okay with being the only one in the dark?”
“I don’t expect you to be okay with it,” Ash says, sounding pained. “I just need you to understand it. There are…parts of me I don’t want you to see.”
“Again, unfair. Are you afraid I’ll pack my bags if I know?”
The lack of an answer speaks for itself. Seriously, how can someone as smart as Ash be so dumb?
Kieran wiggles until he’s on his other side.
“Ever since I met you, you’ve been nothing but an annoying, perverted ass.
And yet, I’m here. Do you really think there’s anything that could scare me off now?
” Again, no answer. Kieran sighs. “You don’t have to go if you don’t want to.
Are you afraid they’re gonna disown you or what? ”
Ash barks out a laugh. “I’d welcome that, but it’s unlikely. They care too much about appearances. Even their whole marriage is one big sham.”
It’s strange, hearing Ash speak so bitterly about something. It’s not like him, and the fact that his parents are the cause makes Kieran hate them by proxy. Shit, those are supposed to be his in-laws.
“So what is it?”
“If I don’t show up…it will be like letting them win.”
“Why do you care what they think?”
“I don’t. I care what I think. I care about what I see when I look in the mirror.”
Kieran rolls his eyes. The picture is coming together. “That damned pride of yours.”
“Look who’s talking.”
“Don’t deflect.” Although Ash does have a point. Kieran’s ego has always been a little too big for his own good. “Speaking of, what do you know about my parents? I know you said everything, but…does that mean everything?”
Ash’s gaze softens, and he pulls Kieran so close there’s not a millimeter of space between them.
“I know you grew up in Melbourne. That you worked your ass off during high school, so you could leave and support yourself once you graduated. I know why you hate therapy.”
His eyes go stormy for a moment, like he’s outraged on Kieran’s behalf. It’s pretty validating. And a little hot.
“I know you only went to see your dad when he was almost on his deathbed because you still haven’t forgiven him for leaving. I know you dread whenever your mum calls you, because you know she’ll try to guilt-trip you into visiting her and you can’t handle being alone with her.”
Well, shit. He does know everything.
“You don’t have to worry about that part anymore, by the way.”
“Huh?”
“It’s been taken care of.”
Taken care of? What has? His mum? “Why are you talking like you hired an assassin?”
“So dramatic,” Ash says with a chuckle. “I meant, you won’t get any unsolicited calls from her anymore.” He explains when Kieran only stares at him uncomprehendingly. “She has to go through me first, and you only see each other when I’m there, and only when you agree to see her.”
“Dude,” Kieran chokes out. “Did you put a restraining order on my mum?”
Ash smiles. It’s not a nice smile. As in, Kieran is glad he’s in Ash’s good books.
“Unofficially. But we had a nice talk, and I’m positive she got the message I was trying to send.”
Nice talk. Right.
“I…don’t even know what to say.” That assassination comment before was a joke, but now he’s starting to wonder if Ash is secretly a member of the mafia. And then, there’s another disturbing thing… “You’ve met my mum?”
“Uh-huh. Interesting lady. Lots of baggage. Could use therapy.”
Kieran snorts. “Did you offer?”
“I left her contact details for some good therapists in Melbourne. I don’t think she made use of them, though.”
Naturally. In her mind, it’s always been Kieran who needed therapy. Which, okay, not untrue, but also very hypocritical.
“You know, it’s almost like you’re my personal bodyguard.”
Ash hums, fingers dancing over Kieran’s back. “I’ll use my body to guard you anytime.”
“Pervert.” He’s not complaining, though. “So, do I get to go with you to the lunch?”
“No.”
Kieran stills. “What?”
“I won’t have you witness that shitshow.”
He wriggles out of Ash’s hold and sits up. “Isn’t that up to me?”
“No.”
This motherfucker...
“Kombucha.”
Ash sighs. “I’m not telling you this as a Dom. I’m telling you this as your boyfriend. You’re not coming with me.”
Kieran crosses his arms on his chest. “As your boyfriend, I have my free will, and I can do whatever I want.”
“You can.”
That…was suspiciously easy.
“Where’s the lunch? And when?” Ash gives him nothing. “Fine. I’ll find out anyway.”
“Good luck.”
“I’ll follow you. Like a bad smell.”
“I’ll tie you up.”
Kieran laughs, but the humor quickly leaves him. “You wouldn’t.”
Ash—no kidding—pulls a bunch of ropes from under the bed.
Stupefied, Kieran mutters, “I hate you.” He gets out of bed and starts pacing, switching on a lamp when he stubs his toe. “It’s so not fair. You do all this stuff for me, and I can’t do anything for you!”
“No one’s ever done as much for me as you, Kieran,” Ash continues to lie his ass off. He sits at the edge of the bed, hands folded in his lap. “I know I act like I have it all figured out, but I don’t. I just don’t like not being in control.”
“As we know.”
“But there’s one thing I’ve never been able to control.” Kieran stops pacing, wanting to hear what Ash is so graciously willing to share. “No matter what I did, I could never keep certain people in my life.”
“You mean romantically, right?” Because Ash is surrounded by people. He has that annoyingly magnetic charm that pulls them in.
“Yeah. You’d think that with my ability, I’d be able to give anyone whatever they wanted.
I’d automatically know what it is that they want.
” Then his face changes into something Kieran never thought he’d witness: self-loathing.
“It took me a while to realize that it was no use. Because what they wanted wasn’t me.
Or rather, what I had to offer wasn’t what they were after.
No superpower in the world could change that. ”
This…hurts. On a whole new level. It’s not only having to listen to someone you love talk about themselves like they’re worth less than trash. It hurts all the more because it’s like Kieran’s listening to himself.
So this is what Ash meant when he said it hurts when Kieran talks shit about himself. He gets it now.
“You changed everything, firecracker,” Ash continues. There’s so much love and wonder in his voice, Kieran has no idea what to do with it. “I never had anything that was truly mine. Not until you came along.”
The picture comes together, puzzle piece by puzzle piece.
Their stories might have the same roots, and their wounds might be more similar than Kieran could have ever imagined, but what they need in order to heal is different.
Where Kieran has always been looking for a place to belong, for someone who’d want him to stay, Ash has been looking for someone to give his all to. Someone who’ll need him.
Kieran couldn’t see it before, driving himself crazy trying to explain why someone like Ash would be so drawn to him. Trying to explain why he could never bring himself to push Ash away.
He sees it now, clear as day.
Jesus, they really are perfect for each other.
“You make it sound like I’m just a thing to you. Something you can own,” Kieran throws back, partially to mess with him.
And partially because even through his rose-colored glasses he recognizes the dangers of Ash’s possessive streak. After all, he is a control freak, and he loves being right. He likes being obeyed. That shit can get nasty.
Ash sits up tall, expression as serious as it can get. He offers Kieran his hand, waiting patiently until he takes it. He brings him close, pressing his thumb into the base of Kieran’s ring finger. His gaze is intense, impossible to look away from.
“You’re not a thing,” he says. “But you are mine.”
It’s a claim. A branding. Irrefutable proof of the darkness Kieran was wondering about. It’s close to the surface, so much closer than he’d thought.
And yet, instead of being freaked out, instead of looking for a way out, all he can think about is a resounding, desperate, Yes. I’m yours.
Maybe being owned so unapologetically, so toxically, is exactly what he needs.
He plops into Ash’s lap, buries a hand in his hair, and kisses him. No wavering, no hesitation, just this fucked up, perfect thing between them.
He pulls back, grinning at the dazed look in Ash’s eyes.
“I’m yours, huh?”
“You are,” Ash says, his voice brooking no argument.
“Prove it.”