Chapter 29 #2
Once Kieran’s picked his jaw up off the floor, he turns to Ash. “Someone’s confident.”
“Sure am.” Ash spoons up his pistachio rice pudding and brings it to his mouth. “As you know, I can be very convincing.” He takes way more time than necessary to put the spoon in his mouth, and even longer to pull it out, giving it way more tongue action than necessary.
Kieran feels heat crawling up his neck, and his belly tingles. He still vividly remembers what Ash’s tongue felt like, in his mouth and in his—
“Not in front of my salad, please.” Gabe glares at them across the table, cheeks flushed.
Oh shit. Can he— Can he sense horny emotions too? Fuck, that’s mortifying.
“My salad is okay. Please, proceed,” Zeke encourages with a grin.
Well, that just killed Kieran’s boner. And his appetite.
“O-kay,” he sing-songs. “I think it’s time we wrap this up.”
His prayers go unanswered.
“You’ve gone very quiet. Is your social battery drained? Which would be understandable,” Ash notes with amusement when they’re walking to the carpark.
Kieran laughs. Ash is partially right. They will need to find an excuse to get out of any future multi-dates because this was intense.
His ribs still feel bruised from the hug Carrie had given him, and his ears are ringing from how everyone tried to talk over each other.
And now he can’t even look Gabe in the eye because the guy felt his emotional boner. Yuck.
That being said, something else is on his mind. He only registered it during dinner, listening to the others bicker, all vastly different personalities clashing together. As the night progressed, the truth lodged itself under his skin.
He puts a hand on Ash’s arm to get his attention. Ash stops immediately, concern etched into his features.
Kieran smiles shakily, to put his mind at ease. “I just realized how many people came into my life because of you.”
Ash blinks. “Me?”
“I always felt so…isolated from the rest of the world. Sure, I had Dee, but…you know how that turned out. And then I met you and…”
“And I pissed you off.”
“You did.” Looking back to the time they’d met, he can’t help but laugh.
If he wanted kids, this would be a story he’d never stop telling.
Maybe he’ll still get a chance if he becomes a godfather.
“You also turned my life on its head. I didn’t know it then, but that’s exactly what I needed,” he rushes to say, in case Ash takes it the wrong way.
“Someone to shake me up and get me out of this…state of numbness. Thanks to you, I have a family now. An infuriating one.” He chuckles, feeling exasperated fondness bloom in his chest. “But they’re all people who don’t bail when things get rough. ”
That’s all he ever wanted. He can admit it now, he never wanted to be on his own.
It’s just that he spent so long trying to convince himself of the opposite that, somewhere down the line, he could no longer differentiate between his own personal truth and the mask he fabricated to protect himself from getting hurt.
Meeting Ash had torn that mask right off, giving him no choice but to look the raw truth in the face. It was painful, and scary, and the best thing that’s ever happened to him. He’s taken a long journey to get here, but he’s finally home.
Hand flexing at his side, Ash finally reaches for him, drawing him in for a hug. Kieran clings on, burying his face in Ash’s chest, inhaling his scent. Fuck, how had he lived 26 years without Ash’s hugs? Bottle that shit up because it will cure depression, seriously.
Ash pulls slightly back so he can fit a finger under Kieran’s chin, prompting him to look up. “I’d love to take credit, but you’ve known them since before you even met me. Maybe not Carrie, but who knows. You might’ve met her at some point anyway.”
“We were never close, though. I never let them get too close.”
He’d been coming to the café for years and his relationship with Gabe and Zeke never went beyond acquaintances.
As for Dawson, he started fading from Kieran’s life, bit by bit, after meeting Dickhead.
If Cal hadn’t got into an accident, Dawson’s life would still be hell, and Kieran would still be powerless and alone.
He shudders at the thought that he was so close to never having all this.
“You changed everything. You know that, right?”
Ash stares at him for a long moment, a hundred different emotions flickering in his eyes. “For the better?”
Kieran pretends to think it over. “Mostly.”
Ash pinches his butt as a punishment for the sass, then brings their foreheads together.
“You changed my life too, firecracker. There’s so much fire inside of you, it melted even my frozen heart.”
“What are you, Elsa? A tad dramatic, don’t you think?” The deflection comes naturally whenever he’s faced with an onslaught of emotion.
Ash doesn’t bite. “I’m not. It’s true. There’s no one else like you.”
Oof. He really went for the jugular.
“Well, that I can believe,” Kieran says with a grin, which is quickly kissed away. Admitting defeat, he loops his arms around Ash’s neck and goes on his tiptoes. The kiss is slow but deep, just like the way Kieran has fallen for the man in his arms. Slow, deep, inevitable.
His head spins when they pull apart, but he has enough brain cells left to remember what he wanted to do after dinner was over.
“Your turn.”
“My turn?”
“I told you what’s on my mind, now you go. You were quiet the whole day before we got here. It’s not like you. Something’s happened.”
A shadow passes over Ash’s face. Then he grins and ruffles Kieran’s hair.
“Look at you, reading minds like a pro.”
Kieran catches his wrist and instead interlaces their fingers, keeping his expression solemn. “Ash…”
Ash sighs. “Tonight was nice. Do we have to ruin it?”
Okay, that doesn’t sound good.
“How is sharing what’s bothering you ruining anything? Isn’t it better to offload a little?”
“You’re all grown up,” Ash tries to deflect again. It’s pretty annoying; no wonder he gets frustrated when Kieran does the same.
“Dude.”
Ash turns his gaze heavenwards, staying quiet for what seems like a long time. It might be just seconds, but it’s enough time for Kieran to panic, bracing himself for some incurable diagnosis or whatnot.
“My parents are in town.”
Kieran’s knees almost give out from sheer relief.
“Okay?” Sure, parents are a pain, but just how bad can it be?
Look who’s talking, Kieran’s conscience reminds him. Yeah, okay, fair enough.
“They want to have lunch. It’s a thing whenever they come back from wherever it is they’re vacationing at the time.” Ash’s expression makes it sound like he's going to be tied to a chair surrounded by cockroaches and magpies while trying to eat.
“If you don’t want to, just tell them you’re busy.” That’s what Kieran always tells his mum. “Let me guess, it’s complicated?”
“Something like that.”
“Uh-huh. I’m sensing a teensy bit of tension there. Does the other me know what this is about?”
“Not really.”
Huh? Seriously? In the whole two years, he hadn’t thought to ask about Ash’s origin story?
“Okay. But will you tell me?”
“You don’t need to know.”
“Excuse you?!”
The audacity of this arrogant jerk…
“What I mean is, there’s no point burdening you with my sob story.”
“Right. No point,” Kieran echoes, voice dripping with derision. “Why would there be? I’m just the guy you’re planning to marry who ‘melted your frozen heart’. No biggie.”
“Kieran—”
Moving out of his reach, Kieran sets off at a sharp pace, his focus on the road ahead.
He doesn’t check if Ash is following, but he hates how some of the tension melts off him when he hears footsteps trailing behind.
He continues walking, like whether Ash follows or not is all the same to him.
The silence stretches between them, thick and punishing. Yeah, tonight is ruined alright.
The silence follows them to the apartment.
The lift ride is downright suffocating. Kieran feels Ash’s eyes on him, but stubbornly stares ahead, refusing to give an inch.
Upstairs, a dark part of him even considers letting the apartment door swing shut in Ash’s face.
He doesn’t, but the temptation lingers with a sour taste.
Inside, he toes off his shoes and heads straight for the bedroom.
Tequila must sense his bad mood because she doesn’t even try to take his leg out when he passes by her.
In the bedroom, he doesn’t bother peeling off his clothes, just slides right under the covers like they’re a protective cocoon and turns onto his side, away from the door.
Fuck, he hates how childish he’s being, but Ash’s words cut deep. On some level, Kieran knows he wasn’t trying to hurt him, but the fact that he didn’t consider how much the dismissal would affect him stings like hell. And it’s not just what he said; it’s the whole attitude.
They’re boyfriends. Lovers. This is supposed to be a two-way street.
Why is it always Kieran being patched up, soothed, cared for?
Why can’t Ash rely on him too? Why can’t he let Kieran fix something for him for once?
He wants to be useful too. He wants to be needed.
For once, he wants to get a chance to help someone he… Someone he loves.
Great fucking time to have the big realization. He angrily wipes away the tear that spilled out of the corner of his eye.
Time drags. Then the door clicks shut, and a few seconds later the mattress dips.
Ash doesn’t say anything, just slides under the covers and carefully settles behind him.
A few beats pass before he shuffles close, pressing himself against Kieran’s back, slow and careful, like he’s unsure if he’s allowed.
Kieran stares into the dark, fighting the part of him that wants to soften immediately, to turn towards Ash’s warmth. Even when he’s angry, his body and mind still register Ash’s presence as the ultimate sign of safety.
His restraint doesn’t last. It never does when it comes to Ash.