Chapter 40
One morning at Lost and Ground, when Ash feels at his wit’s end, he does something he rarely ever does: seek advice.
“Can I ask you something?”
Ellis’ back straightens like a ruler, and he glances cautiously at Ash.
A fair reaction, given that Ash has been nothing but a tease ever since Ellis and Gabe started dating.
In Ash’s defense, he’s never properly met any of Gabe’s partners.
How could he possibly pass up the opportunity to make them both squirm? And Ellis is so easy to wind up.
That’s not what Ash is trying to do right now, though.
“Yeah, sure,” Ellis agrees, ever the diplomat. His gaze flicks nervously over to the coffee machine where Gabe is working on the drinks, no doubt praying his coffee will be ready any second so he can escape.
Ash almost feels bad, but he has bigger problems to solve.
Like the fact that he finally decided to be a man and stop avoiding Kieran.
He still has no idea where to go from here—mentally, he’s stuck in his office on the day Kieran showed up and annihilated every shred of normalcy from his life.
It’s been over a week, and an answer has yet to fall into his lap.
So no, he doesn’t have answers, or direction, but he still has some semblance of dignity and enough self-awareness to admit that Kieran has forever lodged himself under his skin.
And that, despite all his big talk, he’s unable to let Kieran go.
Selfish and hypocritical, indeed. But what is he to do?
So, he’s resumed his visits to Lost and Ground, hoping against hope that they’d run into each other. Take it from there. Step by step. Nice and slow.
Except Kieran has not rocked up once. Not here, not at bars (Ash can’t decide if that’s a good thing, or if it means he’s drinking himself stupid at home).
It’s like he’s vanished. Maybe Ash is overreacting, but he can’t get Kieran’s story out of his head—the part where he said he likes being on his own because it’s easier than watching people leave him.
Would anyone even notice if something happened to him?
He’s best friends with Dawson, but Dawson is currently busy trying to come to terms with the fact that his husband is a reaper, so there’s that.
And knowing Kieran, he probably wouldn’t even bother reaching out for help, believing he’d just be inconveniencing him.
It’s not like Ash can just call him to check on him. ‘Oh, hey, it’s the guy who’s been dragging his feet and sending mixed messages. I’m worried sick about you. You good? Great, bye. Let’s not get too close.’
Yeah, no.
Mourning the simple, yet slightly boring life he used to lead before Kieran barged into it, he asks, “What made you choose Gabe? How did you get over yourself?”
Slightly rude, but he doesn’t have the bandwidth to beat around the bush.
At least Ellis doesn’t seem the type to get offended by the smallest things.
Plus, he’s an ex-closeted bi man with many hang-ups who, after some drama, got over himself.
Ash would have every right to be concerned for Gabe’s wellbeing.
After the initial surprise, Ellis’ dumbstruck expression gives way to something solemn and soft.
“I had some help.” He lets out a sheepish chuckle. “My annoying friend gave me a kick in the butt.”
Ash waits, in case there’s more. “Is that all it took?”
“Pretty much.” He sneaks a quick glance at Gabe, who’s way too focused on coffee-making to notice. A love-struck smile blooms on his lips. “I already knew I wanted to be with him; it was just my stupid inferiority complex holding me back.”
Ash appreciates the self-reflection, but this doesn’t really help him. He’s well-aware of his own pitfalls. Kinda comes with the territory. The problem is: how does he move forward despite—or rather with—them?
“Weren’t you worried you might hurt him?”
Ellis’ eyes snap to him, and for a second, Ash detects a flash of defensiveness. He doesn’t know what kind of expression he is making, but it gives Ellis pause. He scrutinizes Ash’s face, lips parting on a small, silent “Oh.” Then his gaze softens, filling with sympathy.
Ash fidgets. So this is what it feels like when someone reads your mind.
“I was terrified,” Ellis admits. “He’s the most amazing person in the world, and I had the power to break his heart.”
Yeah, Ash can relate all too well.
“What made you take the risk?”
He appreciates that Ellis doesn’t respond right away, thinking it through thoroughly.
“It will sound contradictory…” he begins, weighing each word.
“But one thing about Gabriel is that whenever I am with him, it’s like I’m a different person.
Not pretending to be someone I’m not, but more like…
the person I always wanted to be. A little braver, a little kinder, and a whole lot happier.
” On cue, his face transforms with a big smile.
“I think that’s how you know someone is the one.
When being with them makes you a better version of yourself. ”
Gabe calls out a name, handing over a drink to the lady who comes to collect it and wishing her a good day. Before he goes back behind the machine, he shares a look with Ellis, their expressions equally smitten, and sends him a wink.
Ellis blushes and drops his gaze, then lifts it towards Ash with a crooked smile.
“After I met him, I became someone who could never hurt him. It’s…a bit of a paradox.”
“I see.”
Ash sighs. As sickeningly sweet as that all is, it doesn’t help him in the slightest. He believes every word out of Ellis’ mouth, but the man is a unicorn.
If the years of providing therapy has taught Ash something, it’s that people do nasty shit to the people they claim to love.
Not necessarily because they have ill intentions, but because they’re too driven by their own pain and trauma, constantly trying to protect themselves from getting hurt.
Even if the price for staying safe is hurting the other person.
People do stupid shit out of fear, and at the moment, Ash is scared. Terrified, really.
“Does your person make you better too?”
The question throws Ash off. Not because Ellis clearly caught on, but because he never stopped to ask himself the same thing.
Now that he does, the answer comes quickly. Irrefutably.
“On the contrary. He brings out the worst, darkest parts of me.” He almost laughs at the concern written all over Ellis’ face. “He also makes me feel uprooted. And scared.”
Ellis dips his chin in a nod. “That makes sense too. Isn’t this what you do every day at work? You bring out other people’s shadows so they can work on them consciously? It’s not good to suppress stuff like that.”
The unexpected wisdom makes Ash arch an eyebrow. “Couples really do start to resemble each other.”
Ellis chuckles, one of his hands coming up to scratch the back of his neck. “Gabriel has a way of rubbing off on people.”
Another name is called, Gabe holding out a paper cup and bag.
The man who steps forward to take them from him seems serious and tense, but once met with Gabe’s beaming smile and wish for a good day, the air around him shifts.
His shoulders unclench, and a ghost of a smile appears on his lips as he thanks him.
“He sure does.” Ash might’ve drawn the short stick when it comes to his parents, but he sure won the cousin lottery.
“Does your person know you might hurt him?”
Ash’s eyes slide shut. “Yes.”
“And he’s okay taking the risk?”
“So he says. But I’m not.” Especially given Kieran’s negative self-image and lack of interest in his own wellbeing.
“Aren’t you already hurting him by staying away, though?”
“Not nearly as much as I would if I fucked up.” Yes, Kieran took the rejection hard—as anyone with his history would—but he’ll recover, eventually. He’ll recover and he’ll curse Ash to hell and back, his infatuation turning into anger, then indifference. Small price to pay in comparison.
“Isn’t it all the same?” Ellis asks, sounding genuinely confused. “I mean, if I had to choose between getting hurt a little for nothing, or risk getting hurt a lot but having a chance to get something great, I’d choose the latter.”
“That might be true for you, but you can’t speak for everyone.”
“Funny coming from someone who speaks so confidently on another person’s behalf.”
Ash opens his mouth and…says nothing. Instead, he stares like an idiot.
Ellis has his arms crossed, looking back at Ash like he’s challenging him to argue.
Ash would love to, but…he doesn’t have a leg to stand on, does he?
It’s one thing to be unwilling to take a risk himself, but a whole different one to decide what’s best for Kieran.
So far, he’s been using him as an excuse for everything, drawing assumptions from what he already knows about Kieran.
It’s actually kind of insulting towards him.
Why does he have such little faith in him?
Kieran’s nothing if not a force of nature, so why does Ash keep treating him like he’s made of glass?
Maybe because there’s just something about him that makes Ash want to protect him at all cost.
It would be easier if Kieran didn’t need protecting from Ash. Fuck. The universe really has a twisted sense of humor, because otherwise they’re made for each other.
Gabe appears with two paper cups and a box that smells like cinnamon rolls. He slides one of the cups towards Ash without so much as sparing him a glance, the rest to Ellis.
“Here you go, handsome.”
There’s something scribbled on Ellis’ cup, and a huge, askew heart is drawn on the box lid. VIP treatment, indeed.
“Thank you,” Ellis says. He rolls his eyes when Gabe purses his lips, refusing to let go of the cup and the box, but obediently leans in for a chaste kiss. “See you later?”
Gabe hums. “Don’t work too hard.”
“I’ll try my best.” Then Ellis turns to Ash, raising the cup in acknowledgement. “Good luck.”
“Thanks.”
“Good luck with what?” Gabe demands when Ellis has left.