Chapter 40 #2
Ash sighs. He’s too tired to try and be mysterious. “My love life.”
Surprise flashes across Gabe’s face. Then his eyes narrow. “Why are you discussing your love life with my man?”
“I had a feeling he’d understand my dilemma.”
“Did he?”
“Yeah.” He reaches over to pat Gabe’s forearm. “You found a good one, little cousin. Hold on tight.”
Ash swears there are actual sparkles floating around Gabe.
“You don’t have to tell me twice. I’m practically a tick at this point. I’ll never let him go.”
“I won’t give up. Ever. You’re mine.”
A small laugh leaves Ash’s chest. The way Kieran said it had been significantly less sweet. In fact, it had been slightly disturbing and…well, very Kieran.
“Holy shit.”
“What?”
Gabe stares at him incredulously. “You’re in love.”
Ash scoffs. “Am not.” He really isn’t. Sure, he’s intrigued, and Kieran’s needs tick many of his boxes, so naturally he’s drawn to him.
Cares for him. He wants to make him smile.
He wants to punish the people who have hurt him and be there to protect him.
He wants to show him that he doesn’t need to be so guarded all the time, and that he isn’t as hard to love as he believes. He wants to—
Oh. My. God.
Fuck me.
How did he miss this?!
“Yes, you are!” Gabe points a finger, as if accusing him of a horrendous crime. “Don’t lie! I got that tickly feeling in my chest!”
“That’s yours. You were just smooching your man.”
“Nuh-uh! I know the difference.” He studies Ash curiously. “Plus, it feels kinda achey. Maybe unrequited?”
“It’s not unrequited,” Ash mumbles, realizing his mistake too late.
“Aha!”
“You’re a pest,” he informs Gabe, who doesn’t seem to care in the least.
“I have sooo many questions.”
“Great. Keep them to yourself.”
Gabe glares at him. “You think you get to pester me about my love life, but I don’t get to do the same?”
“Exactly.”
“I hate you,” he lies. “At least tell me the poor guy’s name.”
At this stage, what would be the point in lying?
“It’s Kieran.”
“Kieran?!” Gabe shrieks in an eardrum-piercing pitch.
Ash brings a hand to his ear. “Ow.”
“Kieran?” Gabe whisper-yells. “You have a parade of people falling on your dick and you have to pick one that hates—wait.” He pulls back, cogs turning. “You said it’s not unrequited?”
“He’s been…very aggressive in his advances.” To put it mildly.
Gabe looks very torn, and more than a little concerned. “Have you been riding your motorcycle lately? Had a little accident? Hit your head, maybe?”
“No.”
“I don’t think we’re talking about the same person.”
“I don’t know how it happened,” Ash agrees.
Gabe isn’t being a dick, his reaction is perfectly justified.
“I just brought him home—his home—one night after he got a little intoxicated, stayed for a bit, then left once he was out. We bumped into each other here the next morning, and he was like a changed person.”
Gabe snaps his fingers, remembering something. “I saw you talking outside the other day, and then you were gone and he took off in a hurry. What was that about?”
Ash winces at the memory. The face Kieran made, as though Ash had stomped on his heart, will haunt him for a long time.
“He asked me out.”
“Oh my god! That’s fantastic!” He grabs Ash’s shoulders and shakes him. “Well, not for him, he has terrible taste, but good for you.”
“I said no.”
Gabe shakes him again, violently this time. “What is wrong with you?!”
“I don’t want to hurt him.” That brings Gabe up short. “At first I thought we could have a little fun. He’s hiding so much under that tough exterior, and who would be better suited to peel the layers back and get him to open up?”
“Questionable methods, but do go on.”
“I was wrong. He doesn’t need someone to open up to, or give him one good night. He needs someone for the long haul.”
“And you’re not willing to do that?”
“I don’t think I’m capable of doing that.”
It’s hard to explain without opening a whole new can of worms. No one knows Ash better than Gabe, but he doesn’t know everything. To his knowledge, Ash has never been in a serious relationship. Or, more accurately, serious about anyone.
He doesn’t know about the time after Ash had left home, full of renewed energy and hope that he could finally live his life on his own terms. About the men he came to like, who did like him back, but who put on the brakes very quickly when Ash’s obsessive and controlling tendencies became too much for them.
He certainly doesn’t know about Blake, who stole Ash’s naive heart so quickly and skillfully he stood no chance.
Blake whose parting words left a huge, jagged scar on it; a reminder that love is not in the cards for Ash.
Because it’s never just love for him. It’s not this pretty, dreamy thing most people are looking for—it’s every toxic, dangerous thought that comes with it.
“But you want to?” Gabe presses. A simple, straightforward question that can only have one of two answers.
It’s the easiest, most difficult question of all.
Silently, Ash nods.
“Then go for it. You’ll never know if you don’t try.”
As if it’s that easy. Sure, it’s easy for Gabe. He’s always loved purely, unconditionally, and without reservations. The two of them couldn’t be more different.
“But if I hurt him—”
“Then he’ll kick your ass, and I’ll help him,” Gabe cuts in. “So will Ellis and Zeke because I’ll make them, and I don’t think Dawson will need much convincing either. And Cal will join in because he’s pretty much Dawson’s shadow. Donut might get involved too.”
“Wow. That’s…terrifying. I’ll be on my best behavior, then.”
Despite the snark, Gabe’s words do make him feel a bit better. Especially because they’re blatant proof that Kieran is not as alone as he thinks. There are people who care about him. And they would no doubt hold Ash accountable if he fucked up.
“You can’t play it safe all your life, Ash,” Gabe says softly. “Well, you can, but all you’ll achieve is arriving at death’s door safely. Not something worth putting on your resume.”
Playing it safe. That might as well be Ash’s middle name.
Play it safe, make calculated choices, no hasty decisions and keep a cool head.
Don’t let your feelings control you, and always be three steps ahead; be steadfast and reliable.
That’s been his mantra for as long as he can remember.
The tattoo on his forearm is a constant reminder in case he ever forgets: a compass pointing at the King of Swords tarot card.
The card that represents everything he’s always strived to be.
Jesus Christ, he’s been living his life like a miniature version of his dad, and he didn’t fucking notice. He really should consider giving up his license.
“Okay.”
Gabe blinks. “Okay?”
“No playing it safe anymore,” Ash explains. “I’ll go all out, guns blazing.”
Gabe laughs, the corners of his eyes crinkling. “No need to go to such extremes, don’t scare him away. You tend to come on too strong sometimes.”
“You clearly haven’t met him.” Seriously, it’s Ash who should be scared.
Gabe chuckles and pats his arm. “Go get your man.”
His man. Yeah, Ash could get used to that.
He grins, takes a gulp of the now lukewarm coffee, and dashes out.
Time to get his man.