Chapter 41
Turns out, bravery is a rather short-lived state of being. And in Ash’s case, it only lasts until he hauls his ass over to Kieran’s place.
He paces in front of the apartment building like he’s trying to wear a trench into the concrete. He’s been here long enough to attract a few suspicious glances. One guy even slowed down to make sure he wasn’t casing the place. Fair enough. He is loitering with intent.
His hand keeps twitching toward the buzzer, then retreating.
It’s not fear of rejection that stops him, quite the opposite.
He knows that once he rings that bell and Kieran lets him in, that’s it.
No more pretending he’s above it all. No more playing it safe.
No takebacks. It will be all cards on the table.
He exhales hard, dragging a hand through his hair. He stands there a moment longer, pulse thrumming, then mutters, “Screw it,” and finally reaches for the buzzer.
It’s not until he’s waiting for the intercom to come to life that he remembers Kieran’s been MIA for a week now. And Ash just decided to rock up without a heads-up. What if he’s not home? What if Ash just gave himself a major adrenaline spike with nothing to show for it?
Ugh, it’s Gabe’s fault. He got him all excited and hopeful, acting like a dumb character in a dumb romcom, and now—
“’Lo?”
It’s mostly static, but Ash clearly recognizes Kieran’s voice, tired and hoarse, as if he just woke up.
“Hey,” is what he means to say. What comes out is a velociraptor noise. He clears his throat and tries again. “Hey, it’s Ash. Can I—”
“Number 1134,” Kieran blurts out before the glass doors slide open.
“Yeah, I know,” Ash mutters to himself and heads to the lifts before his bravery fizzles out completely.
The memory of a few weeks ago when he brought Kieran home from the pub pops into his head.
Back then, he thought that having to force his legs to move and leave the apartment once Kieran fell asleep was hard.
But he did it, and he naively praised his willpower in taking a step back and putting an end to it before anything started.
Apparently, he was already a goner but kept telling himself the opposite. Delusion 101.
Once the lift spits him out on the 11th floor, he drags his feet to Kieran’s apartment.
He never gets a chance to knock—the door swings open right in front of him, revealing a disheveled Kieran.
There are dark circles under his eyes, his hair is sticking in all possible directions, and there’s a deep pillow crease on his left cheek.
He’s clearly exhausted, maybe a little defeated, and Ash kinda hates himself for thinking how adorable he looks.
“Hi,” he says. Peak of articulation, really. “I—”
Kieran’s fist curls into his shirt, and he gets dragged inside with more force than he’d expected, the door slamming closed behind him. Before he can find his footing, literally and figuratively, Kieran’s arms are around him, also way stronger than he’d expected.
“Kieran.”
He’s not complaining, but the closeness makes it significantly harder to focus. It also makes blood rush to places that have no business getting involved right now.
“Just gimme a sec,” is what Kieran is probably mumbling. Hard to say, given he’s nuzzling Ash’s chest, taking in deep breaths through his nose. “Hmm, I’ve missed this.”
This? As in hugging? They’ve never done that before, though. Or maybe he means just touching Ash?
Curious, and not knowing what else to do while he’s being used as an emotional support plushie, Ash holds Kieran close while he sneaks a quick look inside his mind.
Kieran’s thoughts are almost a copy-paste reflection of reality.
Once again, they’re strikingly sharp, suggesting he’s been thinking them on repeat for a long time.
This particular thought is of them hugging at what Ash recognizes as the street where his favorite Indian restaurant is.
Is that what Kieran had been hoping for when he kidnapped Ash on a date?
To be hugged like this before the night ended?
The possibility makes Ash wrap his arms around him tighter and he drops a gentle kiss to the birdnest of his hair.
After an eternity, or two minutes, who the hell knows, Kieran’s hold lightens, and he looks up, chin propped on Ash’s chest.
“You’re here.” His face transforms with a huge smile, but his eyes are suspiciously glassy.
“Yeah.” He strokes Kieran’s back. “I’ve been around the café, and at the bar. I thought I’d bump into you.”
Kieran seems pleased. “I was trying to give you a bit of space after the last ambush. If you hadn’t reached out by Tuesday, I was going to resort to stalking again.”
At least he’s calling it as it is.
Ash snorts. “How considerate of you.”
Kieran grins, and fuck, he’s beautiful. “Well? You said you thought you’d bump into me. Is there something you’d like to tell me?”
Ash should start calling him Bambi, because he has that doe-eyed look down to a T.
Okay, enough cutesy thoughts. He needs to focus. Kieran asked him a question, an important one.
Which means Ash needs a bit of distance.
He unwinds his arms and steps back, not without a protest, and takes Kieran’s hands into his. A sign he’s staying unless he’s asked to leave.
“Any change of mind?”
Kieran shakes his head, once, the action resolute. “Nope.”
Ash already suspected, but the answer still sends his pulse through the roof.
He squeezes Kieran’s hands, needing him to really listen.
“Do you even know what you’re asking for? Do you even know what kind of person I am?”
Kieran, of all things, bites back a smile. As if there’s an inside joke Ash is not privy to.
“You’re arrogant, and infuriating, and pretty morally grey for someone who works in mental health care.” He lets their fingers intertwine. “You are the only person I can be myself around.”
Huh. Suddenly, all those comments about marriage make sense. Because this right here? This is the kind of shit that makes Ash want to drop to his knees and offer Kieran a ring, hell, the whole world. He could also do something else while on his knees…
“Hey, what’s with that smile?” Kieran eyes him distrustfully.
Ash hadn’t realized he’s been smiling, but now he laughs. “Just…you’re more disturbed than I thought.” And run head-first into red flags.
Kieran shrugs, not trying to deny it. “Birds of a feather flock together.”
Ash laughs again. “That’s true.” He gently untangles their hands to cradle Kieran’s face between his palms. Kieran’s eyelids flutter, and he pushes into the touch.
“This is your last chance to back out,” Ash reminds him quietly, thumbs stroking his cheekbones.
“Once you’re mine, that’s it. There’s no going back. ”
Kieran’s shoulders sag with an exhale, as if a wave of relief just swept through him. He licks his lips, before stretching them in a wide smile. “I’m counting on that.”
“Aren’t you scared at all?” Ash doesn’t get it. How can Kieran feel so relaxed around him, knowing what is on the table if he gives Ash the green light.
“I used to be petrified. Not anymore.”
“Because of me?”
“Of what you make me feel.”
“What do I make you feel?”
Kieran huffs a laugh, somehow managing to sound annoyed at the same time.
“Every stupid little emotion under the sun.”
Removing one hand from Kieran’s face, Ash slides it lower to the centre of his chest, where, sure enough, his heart is hammering away like it’s trying to burst through his sternum.
“Well, right back at you.”
Kieran pushes forward until they’re flush, and Ash has no choice but to wrap his arms around him.
“What goes around, comes around,” he recites smugly.
“You’re really throwing all the proverbs around today.”
“If the shoe fits.”
Ash snorts. “Brat.”
“Yeah, so? What are you gonna do about it?” There’s an expectant gleam in his eyes, but Ash can’t stop looking at his lips, the memory of what they felt like against his still so fresh in his mind.
“I’m going to kiss you.”
Kieran blinks, taken aback. Then he shrugs again, grins, says, “That works,” and in the next second he has his arms looped around Ash’s neck, dragging him down. No finesse, no warm up, just Kieran being his impatient self.
Ash loves it. All of it.
Kieran’s lips are warm and—yes, impatient. The kind of desperate that makes Ash’s chest tighten. He has kissed people before—had his share of easy, forgettable moments—but this isn’t that. This feels like sealing the deal, agreeing to a covenant that asks for his heart and soul.
He’ll give both away without a second thought if it means he gets to keep this. Keep Kieran.
The kiss isn’t particularly dirty, despite Kieran’s valiant attempts to deepen it.
He demands access when Ash playfully denies it, nips at Ash’s lower lip in defiance, trembles when Ash graciously gives him his tongue.
But it’s mostly sweet and playful and so, so different from that angry kiss in Ash’s office.
Kieran makes a frustrated sound, slumping in Ash’s embrace.
“What?” Ash asks, sounding breathless to his own ears.
“Just… I’m really horny, and you’re giving me these gentle, knee-melting kisses.”
Ash arches an eyebrow and delivers another of those gentle kisses. “Is that a complaint?”
“Yes and no?” He curls his fingers in Ash’s shirt and gives it a tug. “Either way, let’s take this to bed.”
Ash holds his wrists. “Perhaps we should take it slow?” He’s fucking dying here, but this is not his run-of-the-mill hookup.
On top of that, Kieran’s never been with a man, and while Ash can’t even begin to guess where all this eagerness and confidence came from, he still has enough brain cells to realize that eagerness doesn’t equal something's gonna work. Even if Kieran watched gay porn on repeat after realizing his feelings, and then decided this is definitely something he wants to try, that doesn’t mean he’s actually ready.
“Take it slow? Dude, the last few weeks have been one giant foreplay.”
That’s…not completely inaccurate. “Still, there’s no need to rush.”