Chapter 16
SIXTEEN
Olly
‘Get on with rehearsals?’
I read Tarun’s message for the third time, knowing he’s not in a good place whatever he says. How could he think running away wouldn’t affect anyone else’s competition? The sound checks have come to a standstill, and backstage everyone is running around, either panicking or gossiping.
If only the gossipers knew that he’s claiming one of the reasons he’s left is to help me in the competition.
That would send the rumour mill into overdrive.
Everyone knows we’ve become good friends over this week, but I’m keeping to the roommate code of honour and have kept schtum about …
whatever it is that’s going on between us.
He’s not in the right frame of mind. His anxiety has taken that one comment from Marty and allowed it to grow into something so big that he couldn’t see a way past it – for him or me.
But the part of his message that worries me most is him saying that he doesn’t belong with us.
Because he does. He’s a Larrys finalist. He’s lots of people’s friend. He’s my—259
‘Any word from him?’ asks Sabrina, putting a soft hand on my arm.
I nod, trying to hold in tears. ‘Yes, he’s sent me a text. He’s still not answering my calls though.’
‘Okay. I’ve got through to his mum, so she’s on the case as well now. It’s going to be okay. We’ll find him and get him back for the final; I know it.’
I wish I could be as optimistic as her. I want him back here so badly; to tell him he belongs with all of us, give him a big hug, and start rehearsals again. People always say ‘tricky final rehearsal, great performance’ but we might not get a final rehearsal.
‘I hope you’re right…’
Sabrina pats my arm. ‘Don’t lose hope. Gabby, Zeb, will you come sit with Olly?’
Zeb meets my gaze for the first time since lunch. I don’t know if our friendship is in the kind of place where he’ll be willing to be my comfort blanket right now. ‘Of course.’
My heart eases a little, as he nods to silently say, ‘I don’t agree with the choices you’ve made, but I know things are hard for you right now, and I’m your friend.’
I nod back, hoping to communicate, ‘Thank you for understanding. For being my friend.’
Gabby puts her hand on the small of my back, and the three of us walk to the quiet stairwell, away from the bustle of the dressing room corridors.260
‘Zeb, I—’
‘No need,’ he says, as we sit down on the stairs. ‘I know how much Tarun means to you.’
I raise my eyebrow. ‘You do?’ Does he mean he’s figured out…
‘I’m not blind, Ol. The two of you have been getting closer, and then during “You Will Be Found”… That wasn’t the look of two friends singing into each other’s eyes. You really like one another.’
My cheeks turn pink. ‘Does everyone know?’
He shakes his head. ‘But only because not everyone’s as observant of their best friend as I am.’
I can’t stop it. I wrap my arms around him and squeeze tight. ‘You’re my best friend still?’
‘Yes!’ he gasps. ‘As long as you don’t suck all the air out of me! I may not be coming to the after-show party, but I still need a diaphragm to perform tonight!’
Gabby bats my arm to release him, saying, ‘I wish you weren’t booked on such an early coach…’
‘The train was too expensive! I’d love to celebrate with you all, but I have to be on top form at Cambridge tomorrow.’
‘I know… But it’s still a shame you can’t boogie with us all tonight.’ I sigh. ‘Hopefully Tarun will be back by then.’
‘We promise we won’t tell anyone about you and him,’ Gabby assures me.261
‘You’re cute together. I’m glad you’re allowing yourself to do something gay after being Mr Macho on stage.’
‘About that…’
He holds a hand up to stop me. ‘Gabby has given me more context that has made me more sympathetic to the position you were put in.’
‘You have?’ I ask, turning to her.
‘I’m assuming you were banned from singing your gay song in the final six? And encouraged to “straighten up”?’
‘Yup. They originally “let me make the decision”, but Marty was insistent I’d have no chance of getting into Ashford if I showed I was gay.’
‘The exact same as he did to me!’
‘Wait, I thought they signed off on your first-choice song?’
‘Nobody can know, but I went for a one-to-one singing lesson with Marty before rehearsals started. I wanted to be as prepped as possible. I’d chosen “Changing My Major” from Fun Home, keen to do a big lesbian anthem, but Marty vetoed it straight away.
He then said I had to be more “feminine” if I wanted to win.
Feminine? As if I can’t be a lesbian and lady-like? ’
‘What a stupid thing for him to say!’
‘Aye,’ Zeb agrees, ‘and shows it’s not just you Marty is targeting. This is his policy it seems. So, I understand now why you felt you had no choice but to go along with it.’262
I take him by the hand. ‘But I see now I was wrong. What’s the point of pleasing people like him who would strip us of our individuality?
Of what makes us unique? I promise, if there’s a show tonight, I’m going to go out on stage and be the best version of myself that I can.
I’m not going to look down on myself for being gay; I’m going to be proud. ’
‘That’s what I like to hear.’ He grins, squeezing my hand back.
‘We may not be able to change our final six songs,’ Gabby says, ‘but we can show ourselves off as our full selves, can’t we? It’s gotten us this far.’
I nod. It has. And once Tarun’s back, I’m going to show the entire audience exactly who I am. Someone who believes in the transformative power of theatre, in radical joy, in being there for your friends. And who doesn’t let closed-minded people get in his head.
Tarun
Mum’s eyes are wide, staring at me.
‘What have you done, sohna?’
‘I … I had to get away. How have you found me?’
She tuts. ‘I have your phone on location settings, remember? I thought the chaperone was having me on 263when she called me mid-Primark spree to tell me you were missing from the theatre. But when I checked your phone’s location, there you were, less than a hundred metres away. What was the plan here?’
‘I dunno…’ I mumble, all conviction disappearing as soon as I’m faced with Mum’s kind eyes.
‘I love you, you know that, but there are kids that might not get their chance to rehearse because of you running away, you understand that don’t you?’
‘Have they still not started rehearsals again?’
‘Tarun! Of course they haven’t! A minor has gone missing under their care, everyone’s panicking back there.’
‘But—’
‘But what? I know your anxiety makes it harder, but you loved being in the shows back home. You told me what a good time you were having this week. What’s going on in that head of yours that’s made you think running away was a sensible course of action?’
‘I just… It was all too overwhelming.’
She grabs me by the hand. ‘Life can be overwhelming, Tarun! It doesn’t mean we shouldn’t live it.’
‘I was trying to!’ I shout, surprising both of us. ‘I’ve been having the best week – improving as a performer, making friends, maybe even having something romantic with someone!’264
‘A boyfriend?’ she says, bubbling with excitement. ‘Oisín?’
‘No. He’s a fecking dickhead! I met someone kind and brilliant. But then … it was just all too much. I don’t fit in with brilliant people. I’m just the boy who has panic attacks, who was stopping other people from shining, whose dad…’ I falter.
‘What’s he done now?’ she asks, her face a storm of the disappointments he’s caused us over the years.
‘He saw a picture I was tagged in with all the finalists, found out about The Larry Awards, and messaged me to ask, “what’s this all about?”. I’ve spent all week with a knot in my belly… This fear that even when I’m feeling like I’ve found something I’m good at, he’ll be ashamed of me.’
Mum shakes her head, anger boiling. ‘I hate that’s how he’s made it be when you think of him. I still have the memories of him when we first met: this funny, passionate man hungry to make the world better. But you never got to meet that version of him.’
‘No,’ I say, gripping my fists so tight my fingernails pierce my palm. ‘And I never will. Not when I’ll never be the son he wanted.’
I’ll never like rugby or Gaelic football; I hate it when boys are nasty but brush it off as banter. I’m not the ‘lad’ he thought he’d have.
‘I bumped into Claire from his work yesterday and had 265to beg her not to mention that she’d seen me at a theatre diner,’ I say. ‘That’s not normal. I should be hiding drinking alcohol from him, not that I’m into singing and dancing!’
‘He’s failed you… He failed our family. The stupid idea of “what it means to be a man” that was drilled into him has ruined his relationship with you. It ruined his marriage with me. When all he had to do was so easy: to love. Love the kind, cautious, creative son he had.’
I’ve known that he doesn’t love the real me for so long that it’s knocked my self-worth.
I’ve seen it in his eyes every time I’ve looked at him since that day when I was six, dancing around in Mum’s Anarkali and singing songs.
My happiness turned to pain. Even shutting away that part of myself for ten years wasn’t enough.
‘Why can’t he just love me, Mum? How can I ever belong somewhere like the Larrys if my dad doesn’t think I belong as his son?’
I let out the tears I’ve been holding in all afternoon. They’re hot and sticky on my face, filled with the shame, the guilt, the hurt that I am made of.
Mum wraps her arms around me, my bag and guitar, and pulls me in as I weep into her shoulder.266
Olly
Our peaceful sanctuary on the stairs is disturbed as the doors to the dressing-room corridor fling open, and pretty much the entire cast of finalists come storming towards us.
‘What’s going on?’ I ask, forced to shift to the side of the stairs so people can get past.
‘Sound checks are starting again in five minutes!’ Philippa grins, galloping down.
‘But what about Tarun?’