Chapter 31
Thirty-One
In my bedroom, I pick up my phone before I can talk myself out of it. Jill’s name is still at the top of my contacts. I haven’t moved it or buried it under new numbers. It’s just been sitting there for weeks, waiting for me to be brave enough to press it.
It rings once.
“Hello?” Jill’s voice is careful, like she’s not sure who she’s going to get.
“Hi,” I say.
A beat. “Hi.” Still careful. Still waiting.
“I’m sorry,” I say, sitting on the edge of my bed. “I just… I need to say that first before I lose my nerve. I shut you out. After the accident, after moving, I just went quiet and I know that wasn’t fair. I’m sorry.”
Silence on the other end. Long enough that my stomach drops.
Jill exhales. “Okay.”
“Okay?”
“Okay, I accept your apology.” Her voice cracks slightly on the last word, and I hear her pull herself together. “I don’t have a lot of time to talk. Lunch is almost over.”
“Shoot. I forgot it was a school day.”
“You’re not at school?”
“Not important.”
“Alice, are you okay? Gosh, I’ve been so worried about you. You just disappeared. I didn’t know if you were okay or if you hated me. Nobody would tell me anything.”
“You didn’t do anything wrong,” I reply. “I just, couldn’t. I didn’t know how to be a person who talked to other people. Everything hurt. You were part of the world that existed before, and I couldn’t.” I stop. “I’m sorry. I know it’s not an excuse.”
“It kind of is, though,” Jill says. “I mean, it’s a pretty good one. Besides, I started following Sky Chaos for updates on you.”
I sit up slightly. “What?”
“I was worried about you, and I knew you were living with the lead singer. Well, I saw some recent photos, and I recognised your style immediately.”
“You did?”
“The framing of that third shot? Alice, come on. That’s you.”
I press my hand over my mouth and laugh despite myself. “You always were a fan of mine.”
“At least I knew you were alive. So, are you going to tell me about him? Or do I have to keep getting my information from social media?”
“There’s nothing to tell.”
“The way you just said that tells me there is absolutely something to tell.”
“Jill.”
“Is he as good-looking in person as he is online? Because if so, I fully understand why you’ve been distracted.”
“I haven’t been…” I stop. “I’m not having this conversation.”
“You are literally having this conversation.”
I fall back against my pillows, hug my stuffed elephant close, and look at the ceiling. “He’s just,” I start, “complicated.”
“Are you okay, though? Actually okay?”
“Actually okay,” I say, patting Ellie’s trunk. “It’s been a lot. But I think I’m where I’m supposed to be.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“So, my mom and I saw Mrs. Patel at the grocery store. She said she might be bringing your boxes up soon.”
“Oh, yeah. The house is under negotiation.”
“Well, if the Patels drive up, I’m coming with.”
I sit up, letting Ellie fall to my side. “You’re visiting?”
“Try and stop me.”
My hand rests above my heart. “Oh, I’m so glad. I thought I’d pushed you away for good.”
“Alice, I gave you space. How the heck am I supposed to know how to help you grieve? I totally left you high and dry.”
“It’s okay. I had a few moments of being comforted by a brooding rockstar.”
“Oh my gosh, you have to dish.”
“Before, when I said it was complicated, that was an understatement.” I sigh hard. “He likes me, Jill. I… I can’t bring myself to say it back.”
“Oh. Ouch.”
“I know.” I sigh again and feel it in my rib cage. “Jill?”
“Yeah?”
“Thank you for picking up.”
“No problem. I may have dropped my phone twice trying to answer it fast enough. But I’d do it again in a heartbeat.” The school bell rings in the background. “I’ve gotta go. I’ll text you.”
“Same here.”
After the phone call, I sit on the edge of my bed, thinking about every way my life has changed. I can’t help landing on the upturned puzzle pieces of my life. The past that had been hidden for so long.
I think of my mother and the letters. There was a tiredness in my mother’s handwriting when she wrote to Miranda. The way she’d said she couldn’t be in her life anymore. The way she’d loved Miranda anyway, and how that love had cost her something she never got back.
My mother was generous in a way I’ve never fully understood. She gave and gave, and then one day it caught up with her, and she had to choose. She chose the family she’d built over the one she’d been born into.
Now, here I am, alone after a boy said we could make it work. That he likes me.
The terrifying thing isn’t that he said it. The terrifying thing is that I believed him. But I’m sixteen and I’ve already lost everything. The last thing I can afford is to be wrong about a person.
My mother was wrong about Miranda for years before she finally accepted it.
I don’t have years.
I’m still sitting with that when there’s a knock on my door.
Soft. Two knuckles. Not urgent.
Maybe it’s Mrs. Hamilton? She could’ve gotten turned around and lost her way in the hallway of identical doors.
I cross the room, open the door, and my breath is stolen.
Ryder is in the hallway, hands in his pockets, and no excuse on his face. Just him, leaning against the doorframe as if he’s trying to take up all the space. At least, my space.
“You’re supposed to be at rehearsal,” I say, swallowing the surprise.
“Yeah.”
“Ryder, the showcase is tomorrow.”
“I know.”
“Chase and Brooks will be waiting.”
“I know.” He holds my gaze. “I’ll deal with it.”
I take him in and then step back from the door.
He comes in quietly, just past the threshold. He looks around the space with careful attention and lands on the music box on the desk.
“You should’ve left.” I sit on the edge of the bed and pull my knees up. “You’re going to be in so much trouble.”
“Probably.” He turns from the music box and looks at me. “Worth it.”
“Don’t say things like that.”
“Why not?”
“Because I don’t know what to do with you,” I say.
Ryder crosses to the chair at my desk and turns it around, sitting with his arms folded over the back. He doesn’t say anything for a moment. Just looks at me like he’s deciding where to start.
“Why did you really skip rehearsal?” I ask.
He keeps looking at me.
“Not the version where you say it’s worth it,” I say. “The real reason.”
Ryder taps on the back of the chair, taking his time before meeting my eyes again.
“Because you said you don’t know if I make you better, and I couldn’t leave that just sitting there between us.
” He pauses. “Chase and Brooks have each other. Miranda has everything under control. The showcase will happen whether I’m at one more rehearsal or not.
” His voice drops. “But you were up here, and I put that look on your face, and I couldn’t leave. ”
“What look?”
“The one you get when you’re pretending something didn’t hurt.” He meets my eyes. “I’ve been one of the people putting it there. I hate that.”
I try to loosen my facial muscles, but everything feels pinched.
“This morning,” he says, “in the sitting room, I asked if you still wanted to help me.”
I pick at a loose thread on my jeans to avoid looking at him.
“In a way, I’m still using you,” he admits. “I need you, Ally. I need you so much. But, maybe you’re right. Maybe you don’t need me at all.”
The admission does something to my heart. It’s like it’s made of paper and someone’s wadded it up, leaving it torn and frayed.
I look up and my vision of him blurs with tears. “I didn’t say I didn’t need you.”
He’s quick to move off the chair and stops short of me. In one fluid movement, he kneels in front of my space on the bed.
I sniff hard and wipe my eyes dry.
“Ally.”
“Ryder, you left me.”
His hands press against my knees. “I know, I’m sorry.”
I wipe my eyes again, and a sob breaks free. “I’m sorry I didn’t trust you.”
He moves onto the bed beside me, his hands cupping my shoulders. “I caused that. Ally, you lost the people closest to you. Of course, you have trust issues. I should’ve been more loyal.”
For the past few days, I’ve hated every ounce of loneliness I’ve felt.
I don’t want to be alone.
Without overthinking it, I fling my arms around Ryder’s neck and embrace him like he’s the only other human on the planet.
His hands are like anchors as they press against my back.
“I’ve missed you,” I whisper into his neck.
One of his hands strokes my hair. “I was such an idiot. I know I don’t deserve you.”
I grip the collar of his shirt as if he might disappear. “Meeting you has been the best part of moving here.”
He pulls back so he can see my face. “Really?”
I press a hand against his jaw and study the shape of his lips. “This hurt so much because I care about you, Ryder. I’ve fallen for you too.”
Something shifts in his expression. The last of the distance closes, and his lips press against mine.
It’s soft and tentative at first, but something inside me comes alive.
My need for him is urgent. I’d spent so long convincing myself I don’t need him, that now I’m finally telling the truth.
I grip the front of his shirt, and for a moment the whole world narrows down to this room.
His hands are wild in my hair, and his earthy scent sends me dizzy. He’s like an antidote to my grief, with a kiss that’s like oxygen.
When we finally break apart, his forehead rests against mine, and we’re both breathing harder than we should. His hand is still in my hair, and neither of us moves.
“Hi,” he says, a little unsteady.
I laugh, short and breathless. “Hi.”
He pulls back just enough to look at my face, and he smiles.
“Tomorrow night,” he says, catching his breath. “After the showcase. I want to find you in the crowd.”
“I’ll be there,” I say.
His thumb traces along my cheekbone. “I know.” He drops his hand slowly, as if letting go takes effort. “I just want you to know I’ll be looking.”