Chapter 34 #2
“I will not forgive this,” I continued, my hands shaking now.
“Not the spying. Not the intimidation. Not the way you used my grief like a weapon. And if you ever show up near Em or Miles again without my permission, I will make sure the court knows exactly why Nat didn’t choose you.
Because we all know why she didn’t. You’re controlling and selfish. ”
My mother let out a cry that was half a sob.
My father went pale.
“You think this is about winning,” I said.
“It’s not. It’s about safety. And you are not safe for him right now.
Look at everything you did to what? See him?
No. Bullshit. If you wanted to see him, there were a million things you could’ve done but no.
Instead of losing one child, you lost two. Best of luck with your lives.”
I turned toward the door before they could say anything else. My legs shook, and each step hurt, but holy shit, that felt good. I could barely breathe as I got to my car, and before I opened the door, my mom shouted my name.
“Noah, wait, please—”
“No. You’ve made your point. I’ve made mine.” I refused to look at her. “You need help. Get help and then, maybe, I’ll speak with you again.”
I didn’t wait for a response. I sat in my car afterward, hands shaking against the steering wheel, chest heaving. I didn’t feel better. I didn’t feel relieved.
But, for the first time since Nat died, I wasn’t running from the pain. I wasn’t avoiding it. I let it consume me, and I broke down in my parents’ driveway, miles away from Em and Miles, the two people who made life worth living.
My vision blurred.
I cut the engine and sat there, forehead dropping to the steering wheel as something ugly and broken ripped its way out of my chest. My shoulders shook.
My hands cramped where they gripped the wheel.
I felt empty and furious and raw all at once.
Fuck my sister for dying. Fuck my parents for being selfish.
God. The grief and anger I avoided for months hit me so hard. Would it have been better if I dealt with this when it happened? “Fuck!”
I hit the wheel, my chest cracking in two as I let myself feel it all for thirty seconds. Doctor Mercer said to feel our shit, let it out, then get to work. So, I felt it all.
The anger at Nat for dying. For her not being more careful. For her driving when it rained outside. The fury at my parents for not being open-minded or accepting. The fury at them for trying to control Miles’s future instead of grieving with me.
The bullshit heartbreak that Em felt she had to remove herself for Miles and me to be happy.
The weight of carrying it all. Mourning the life I thought I’d have—playing in the NFL, traveling, partying, having fun. It was gone. In a blink.
I wasn’t even sure I wanted kids, and now I’d have Miles for life, and I’d always put him first.
I wanted to scream and rip my skin off from the feelings bubbling through me. It was like boiling water in my veins, a poison in my stomach burning me inside out. I slammed my hand on the wheel, screamed into my fist, then exhaled.
In for four, out for four.
Repeat.
I wiped my face with the heel of my hand and forced myself to drive home. I used the time to take more breaths and get my shit together. Once I arrived, m feet dragged on the ground, each step taking more effort than normal to get to the entrance to my building.
That was when I saw her.
She stood outside the building, like she’d been waiting for a while. Sassy sat at her feet, tail thumping against the concrete the second she saw me, leash looped loosely in Em’s hand. Em herself looked…sad. Face blotchy. Hair pulled back in a messy knot. Wrinkles on her hoodie.
But of course, her hoodie had jewels on the sleeves and looked cool as shit.
For one frozen second, neither of us moved.
Then she said my name. “Noah, hi.”
I crossed the distance between us in three long strides and pulled her into me so hard it almost hurt. One was arm locked around her back, the other cradling her head against my chest.
She made a sound—half sob, half relief—and melted into me instantly, fingers digging into my hoodie. Sassy barked once, excited and frantic, then pressed her whole body against my legs like she was joining the hug.
Em buried her face in my chest, her limbs trembling as she gripped me hard. “I’m here. I’m so sorry.”
I shook my head, pressing my mouth into her hair, breathing her in like oxygen. “Don’t do that again. Please. I can’t… do this without you.”
Her shoulders trembled. “I know. I know, I’m so sorry. I thought—I thought it was the right choice, but it wasn’t. I swear, it was to protect you—”
“I know, baby. You were trying to protect Miles. I know.” I slid my hands up and down her back, holding eye contact with her.
She cupped my face, her thumbs brushing under my eyes. “Why are your eyes wet, Noah? You’ve been crying.”
“So have you,” I replied, voice breaking into a crooked laugh that wasn’t funny at all. We were a mess.
She smiled weakly and leaned back into me, forehead pressing to my collarbone. “I didn’t think you’d want to see me yet.”
The idea of that hurt worse than anything else that day. I tipped her chin up gently until she had to meet my eyes. “There is no version of this where I don’t want to see you. There’s no future with us where I’m not desperate to see you, Em.”
Her breath hitched.
“I went to my parents,” I told her, because she deserved to know. “I said everything I’ve been holding in since Nat died. I told them they don’t get to come near you or Miles again unless it’s on my terms. I yelled. I slammed their door. I stopped holding back and pretending I was fine.”
Her eyes widened, fear and hope tangling together. “Noah—”
“They won’t bother us again. I promise.”
She cupped my face, her lip trembling as her other hand ran through my hair. “My dad said he’d help too. He knows lawyer speak and said it’s a scare tactic. He said he’d come over this week, if you want, to help. We can fight this together.”
My lips curved, and my heart beat faster, for a different reason this time. “You talked to your dad about me?”
“I love you so much, Noah. I’m so sorry I left.”
I cupped her face in both hands, thumbs steady, forcing her to look at me. “I love you too, Em. God, I want you to move in with me. I planned to ask you, you know? I had this whole idea of doing a scavenger hunt with a key at the end. It was gonna be so cheesy.”
“Oh, I would’ve loved that.” Her eyes glittered, as Sassy bumped her head against my knee.
“Sorry, pretty girl. I know you’re there.” I bent down and kissed the top of the dog’s head, laughing as she licked my face. “Yes, I love you too, Sassy. You’re the best girl.”
Em laughed and placed her hand on my back, rubbing as I kissed her dog. It was the most perfect moment, and all we were missing was Miles. “Up for going to get Miles with me? The kid missed you like crazy this morning.”
“God, I know. That was my biggest regret. I didn’t want him to think I was leaving him.” She frowned, and I ran my finger over her forehead. “I feel like such an ass.”
“It’s okay, Em.” I moved my finger down her face, trailing over her soft skin and tilted her chin up. “Now, I need to kiss you.”
She smiled as I lowered my mouth to hers.
Her lips were so soft, and tasted like cherry, and my skin tingled from the touch.
I thought about kissing her so many times, so many misses, but this kiss right here?
In the top five. Her sigh against my lips, the sound so happy and sure and confident, soothed the remaining ache in my chest. I slid my tongue into her mouth, tasting her, teasing her, as heat spread through my body.
Nothing was better than kissing Em Sanders.
A car honked, and Em jumped back, a pretty blush on her face as she grinned up at me. “Oh my god, were they honking at us?”
“Who cares if they were? We were putting on a show.” I pulled her against me, resting my chin on her head as I hugged her again with a huge smile on my face.
“I’m so happy with you. I didn’t think I’d ever feel like this after Nat died, and you just…
I want life with you. With Miles. With Sassy.
It’ll be messy and hard, but I want it all.
Just promise me you won’t leave even if it’s to protect us, okay? I won’t survive it.”
Em tensed, but then she squeezed me tighter. “I promise, Noah. It’s you and me and Miles. We’re our own team now.”
Damn, that sounded good.