29. Plaything – Mar
CHAPTER 29
PLAYTHING
MAR
The summer course I am teaching ends tomorrow and then I’m dedicating the rest of my time to learning the ins and outs of the River Falls library. At this point, I’m doing it for free, but I also need the hours to claim my librarian certificate.
Jackie Sue has the day off, but she walks in with a boy behind her. The same boy from Coffey Cafe. The tall gangly-looking boy. I wave, and they head in the opposite direction of me. I guess I won’t be learning his name today.
A message comes through on my phone at four. I feel my pocket vibrate. We’re not allowed to have our phones out, so I take mine with me for a restroom break.
Sihn: Where are you?
Me: Working.
Sihn: At home? Café? I need to see you.
Me: No, at the library which you would know if you ever asked anything about what’s going on in my life.
Sihn: I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be mean to you last night. Can I see you?
The library is open until five on Saturdays. Something the board approved since I was a kid, after the community asked several times for them to stay open later.
Me: I get off at 5.
Sihn: Where do you want to meet?
My parents won’t be back in town until Wednesday. He doesn’t know that my car isn’t working right and I’ve been getting rides to and from work. I could borrow one of my parents’ in the garage, but I feel guilty enough about how much I suck at life right now.
Me: You can pick me up.
Sihn: Alright. See you then.
I shove my phone back in my pocket, wash my hands, and then head back out to finish up the end-of-shift duties.
Sihn is parked on the outer edge of the lot. I notice his Nissan Altima as soon as I step out in the humid air.
He exits his car as soon as he looks up from his phone and sees me walking toward him. He’s around his car and opening the passenger door for me in an instant. “Here you go, Pretty One.”
Sometimes it seems too put-on when he refers to me as Pretty One, but then others it seems endearing. I’ve never asked, but I wonder if it’s a nickname he has called the girls before me… Instead of keeping the thought to myself and allowing it to control me and be upset with him even more, once he’s seated in the driver’s seat, I ask, “Have you called many girls Pretty One?”
“Actually, no. I have given nicknames to other women, yes, but I’ve never used Pretty One. It’s usually related to how I met them or felt about them, and they rarely ever knew what it was.”
“Oh.” I don’t know if his comment was supposed to make me feel better or not. I don’t think he was trying to be hurtful. He was trying to be honest. I’m well aware there were women before me.
Before I know it, we’re back where we first ran into each other. The River Falls Creek.
“I’m not jumping from the bridge,” I tell him as he shuts his car off.
He laughs. “You do need to learn how to swim, and I could teach you. But, I thought, since it’s pretty out, maybe we’d walk around and listen to nature.”
“If you say so.” I do need to learn to swim at some point.
I open my door to let myself out, but Sihn scolds me with his eyes. As if opening my own door somehow wounds him.
He takes my hand and kisses the knuckles before intertwining our hands together and leading me to the path along the side of the creek.
He stops near a big tree and pushes me until my back hits the bark.
His hand finds the bottom of my chin as he positions me so I am looking into his eyes, baring his soul to me. “There’s a part of me that just wants to indulge this with you and give you and me both what we want, but it’d be such a colossal mind fuck that it’d leave a black hole in our hearts and minds. No other woman has ever been as close to me as you are now. I let that happen. The only thing stopping me from falling deeper for you, make no mistake, is…”
I interrupt him. “You slept with me on the first night. You offered me up to your best friend not long after. I liked it, make no mistake, but it makes me feel like I’m just your most recent plaything.”
Sihn smirks and chuckles as if what I said is the most absurd thing he’s heard today.“Plaything? You’ve never been a plaything to me. That’s never been the case, for me. I haven’t entertained any other woman, not since I jumped off the bridge for you.”
“You lost one fight and then left me standing on the curb.”
He pauses, scratches his neck, and then says, “First of all, that night wasn’t about you. I was having a horrible night and I didn’t want you to get the brunt of it. You did nothing wrong. It was me, Mar. I hate that I have not prepared better for my future. I’m almost forty and have no aspirations.”
“So…the only thing that means is that you’re really into me right now .”
“I want so badly to let myself fall in love with you, and drown in you. To have a woman with your consistency, intellect, care, and passion for me…your open-mindedness—to a degree, your dominant streak, your willingness to talk sexually…everything about you is something I value. But I can’t, because you don’t want to be mine.”
“I know you’re not talking about what sounds like marriage right now, Sihn!” He is more delusional than me. We are arguing, yet he’s talking about marriage.
“Who said anything about marriage? I want you to be my girl. To move in with me. To be my everything.”
I stand silent. This guy has some balls. I can’t be someone’s everything. I don’t even really know what I’m doing with my own life.
“Ya know, even though you’re mad at me right now, I want to touch you. Can I hug you?”
“No!” I stomp and then say, “Yes, I want you to make me feel better.”
“I know, so why don’t you want to give me what I want?”
“Because I think it all has to do with POW! burning and you freaking out about your future, and you can’t ask me to marry you this way, not while we’re arguing.”
“I’m not asking you to marry me. Just be with me. You look really cute with your arms crossed over your chest like you could stop me. You know the only thing preventing me from touching you, is me.”
“I told you that you could make me feel better. Hug me.”
“I was only waiting for permission.” His arms wrap me up in a big bear hug, and I lean my head into the crook of his neck as I feel his lip faintly touch the top of my head. He’s the reason I’m upset, but he’s the only person I want to soothe me.
My words hit his neck when I say, “You know maybe I have things I want to talk about too, but you’re so caught up in losing the last thing you have—me—that you don’t even care how I feel right now.”
He talks on the top of my head, causing his words to dance in my hair. “I’m not saying it’s right, but I’m not…really the right material for this. This is uncharted territory for me.”
I lift my hands up into fists and slip them between us, but continue to allow him to hold me. “Well, you can’t just run. If you need space, that’s fine, but you don’t have to be a dick about it. I understand that losing that fight last night was a real blow to your ego, but you’re great and everyone knows that.”
He squeezes me until I let out a little yelp before asking, “If I’m so great, how come you don’t want to make us official?”
I step back so my words make it to him. “I had my reservations before, and now is not the time to be bringing it up again. There are too many other factors going on. Even if I were to say yes, that doesn't resolve your other deeper issues. I need you to work on you, and I need to continue to work on me, and then maybe we can see if we can work together.” I’m within walking distance of my house, but as much as I’d like to leave this conversation, I know we need to have it.
“I’m sorry I reacted the way I did last night. I should have apologized then, but I didn’t. Can you forgive me?”
“I believe you, and it’s okay. I forgive you. Now you just have to forgive yourself and move on. Learn from it.” I smell him.
“I can do that.”
“Okay. Now what do I need to work on during our time apart?”
“Time apart?”
“You just agreed to this separation.”
“Whoa, I did not.”
“Sihn.”
“I love everything about you, Mar. There is nothing I would change, aside from the fact that you’re breaking up with me.”
“You can’t break up with someone you never made it official with…” It doesn’t hit me until after I’ve responded that he used the word love. Did he really just say he loves me?
“I think we both need to chill and then come back to this.”
Even though I feel like storming away, I simply say, “Okay.” We’ll go round and round in circles all night and I’d rather not. “I’m supposed to be meeting Verdi soon. Can you take me to my house?”
“Yeah, of course.”
He holds his elbow out for me to take. I do and we make our way back to his car.