Chapter 23
Silas
Avery and Marlow’s words weighed heavy on me as I slid into the driver’s seat of my car and headed back home.
An endless loop of support and unshakable faith in me not to fuck any of this up, regardless of my track record for doing quite the opposite.
All of this was easier said than done. Confronting Terran about what I wanted for our future felt monumental.
Daunting, in a way I hadn’t expected, far more than the simple task I’d set out to accomplish when I left the house this morning.
I gripped the steering wheel tighter as I merged onto the main road leading home.
I’d be coming back with a heart heavy with hope.
That was what scared me most, though, wasn’t it?
A belief that had burrowed its way down deep into my core, unlocked things inside me I’d long since thought dead.
Whispering maybe’s and what if’s that all of this could work out in the end.
That confessing to Terran and completely upending whatever tentative situation we were in was the right move.
That I wouldn’t come to regret any of it, even if it ended badly.
That was what feelings did. They cherry-picked and lovingly rested a pair of rose-tinted glasses over your eyes. They made it easy to look past the bad when the good was so much more fun to focus on. They made hope possible.
Hope was such a fragile thing, anyway. Precarious. It came with the possibility of failure and rejection. Of ruining something good I wasn’t even sure I deserved in the first place, let alone asking for more.
Scenes blurred past me as I drove by them, my mind racing along with them.
Each and every scenario ahead of me played out in vivid detail, each one worse than the last. The fear was suffocating, clawing at my chest and making it hard to breathe. But beneath it, buried deep, was something else. Something insistent.
Want.
Need.
Because for every worst-case scenario my mind conjured, there was a small flicker of what could be. A glimpse of a future where he fit so seamlessly into my life that it was like he’d always belonged there to begin with.
No matter how unrelenting my doubts were, none of it stopped me from pulling through the gates heading into my neighborhood and up to my house where I knew he’d be waiting for me. Two hours had passed since I’d left; yet, for some reason, it felt like a lifetime since I’d seen him.
Today marked the second day of me calling off from work, tomorrow potentially ending up being a third, depending on how this conversation went. Though, if I was being honest with myself, there was no universe in which I’d be able to perform on a patient if tonight I ended up going to bed alone.
I could pretend all I wanted that I’d be able to compartmentalize and check my personal life at the doors once I stepped into the hospital. It would be easy to try and fool myself into believing that when I damn well knew this was my one exception.
He’d nearly killed me once before worrying about him on that call, to the point where I’d hardly been able to concentrate on anything outside of getting my rounds done and rushing to him.
I wouldn’t be able to do it a second time.
Killing the engine as soon as parked, I let my head fall back onto the headrest and breathed for a moment. In and out. Forcing my heart to keep time with my breaths instead of racing off on its own accord.
To think that I was crumbling under the weight of emotions and my soft feelings for a man when I’d spent my entire life turning my nose up at it like I was somehow above it.
Karma at its finest, really.
My car chimed as I got out and shut the door behind me, heading to the garage door with slow and steady footsteps. The warmth of my house wrapped around me as I pushed the door open, an inviting smell piquing curiosity within me as I toed off my shoes and headed for the kitchen.
Terran was facing the stove with two burners on low, his hips swaying to some song playing from his phone’s speaker as he hummed along to it. A surprisingly more chipper atmosphere than the one I’d left him in earlier after his call.
Good news, maybe?
When he spotted me, he smiled, holding up a wooden spoon. “How was brunch?”
“Fine.” At the very least my voice didn’t shake.
He glanced down at my empty hands, frowning. “No leftovers? Don’t tell me everything they plated was the size of a quarter.”
Amusement began to break through my nerves. “I’m beginning to grow concerned about your obsession with doggy bags. If you need help at home filling your fridge, just tell me. I’ll send over a meal service.”
He mouthed something before turning back to the stove, a healthy-sized omelet still sizzling as he flipped it over.
“What was that?” I asked, my voice low as I wandered closer, my steps deliberately slow. I came up behind him, close enough that I could feel the faint heat radiating from his body. Close enough that I could speak directly into his ear.
He was wearing my robe again, the tie hanging loosely around his waist, the fabric parted just enough to offer a tantalizing glimpse of his chest. Practically an invitation to slip my hand between the folds of it and slide it down his chest. He cursed at me when I did, shoving back from the stove and into my body, wiggling while my cold hand pressed harder against his warm skin.
“You’re such a vampire!”
“I think you mean lizard,” I replied, widening my fingers to cover more ground, relishing in the sharp gasp he pulled into his lungs.
“Silas!”
The tension that had been coiled tight inside me melted away, replaced by the irresistible urge to bury my face in his neck and trap him against me.
Torturing him like this was quickly becoming my favorite pastime—though, I had to admit, it was only slightly being overshadowed by the euphoria of fucking him senseless.
“You’re such an asshole,” he grumbled, the end of his words tinging up into a whine.
I pressed my lips into his neck, soft and deliberate, grazing my teeth against his skin as I murmured, “You love it.”
“No, I don’t,” he said quickly, but the hitch in his breath gave him away instantly.
“You sure about that?” I asked, letting my teeth graze lightly against the curve of his shoulder, sliding my hand up to rest on his chest, feeling the rapid thrum of his heartbeat under my palm. A comforting feeling I’d grown used to falling asleep to. “Because, I think you do.”
He groaned when I ground my hips into his ass, tilting his head slightly to the side to give me more access to his neck. “You’re impossible.”
“And yet,” I murmured, my lips brushing against his ear. “You’re still here.”
He turned his head just enough to glance at me. “Only because you’ve stolen all my clothes. You think I can just leave your place looking like this?”
“Excuses,” I said.
At this rate, his food was going to burn.
Did either of us care?
I was going to wager: no.
Fucking Terran against my kitchen counter wasn’t exactly what I’d been aiming for when coming back from my conversation with Marlow and Avery. However, it would be quite insane of me to pass up on the opportunity, which may be our one and final time together if all things went downhill afterward.
“Besides,” I continued. “We don’t even wear the same style, let alone size. You’d hate what I have in my closet.”
“Style... you mean the one that says ‘obscenely wealthy and effortlessly put-together’?”
“Effortlessly?” I echoed. “I’m flattered.”
“Don’t be,” he shot back with an elbow to my stomach that barely hurt. “If I had access to the kind of money that came with having a wardrobe full of designer labels and... whatever else you’ve got going on in there, you’d never see me in sweats again.”
“Oh, is that what you think?” His back arched the moment my hand wandered down to his stomach, my other coming around to grab at his hip and pin him against the counter. “You think all it comes down to is a price tag?”
His breath hitched—such a sweet and beautiful sound. “All... all I’m saying is that I’d... kill for...even one of your shirts.”
“If you want it,” I teethed at his ear lobe. “Then ask. It’s yours.”
At this rate, I’d take him on a shopping spree this very second if he so much as batted his lashes the right way.
Ellington Heights was practically begging for us to stroll its main strip, hopping from one designer store to the next and telling the doormen along the way to shove our bags into the back of my car.
Most of them had my credit card on file already, making it laughably easy to indulge him in anything his heart desired.
“Wow.” He let out a breathy laugh. “Sounds to me like a proposal.”
I froze.
The words hung in the air, sharp and unexpectedly slicing through the carefully constructed haze I’d been dragged into by his magnetism.
The inevitable conversation I’d been dreading and doing everything in my power to avoid was finally here and there was no avoiding it. Not with my sudden knee-jerk reaction and Terran’s practiced understanding of reading people.
He flushed as I pulled away, turning just enough to look up at me. “I-I was just kidding.”
My hand betrayed me, trembled just enough to be noticeable as I leaned over to turn down the burner. I’d be surprised if the omelet wasn’t charred on the other side, ruined much like my steady amount of control over a situation.
Though, who knew if he’d have an appetite after this. I certainly wouldn’t.
“We need to talk, Terran.” My voice was quieter than I meant for it to be, slipping past my lips with far too much emotion attached to it.
“Silas.” The alarm in his eyes cut through me. “I really was just kidding.”
I exhaled slowly, steadying myself back against the island’s counter while I forced my next set of words out. “I’m not.”
He stared at me for a long moment. “What’s going on?”
My chest grew tight again, making it almost impossible to untangle the mess in my head and sort through the swirling thoughts that were banging around loudly.
Where the hell was I supposed to start?