Chapter 23 #2
“Terran, this...” My throat grew tight. “I don’t want us to be casual anymore.”
The flicker of hurt that crossed his face was like a punch to the gut, sharp and unrelenting. Shattering me.
His eyes widened, his voice soft and hesitant. “What?”
I couldn’t meet his gaze. The weight of what I was about to say was too much, the vulnerability too raw. My gaze dropped to the floor, focusing on the worn edge of the laminate hidden underneath the lip of the cabinet instead.
“I’ve been trying to ignore it. Trying to tell myself that what we have doesn’t need to be more than what it currently is. But that’s a lie. It’s been a lie since the first time I let you stay over.”
“Wait—”
I held up my hand to cut him off, using it to run through my hair while I let out a shaky breath.
“You’ve turned my life upside down. You’ve.
.. made me question everything I thought I knew about myself.
You’ve made me want. And that’s terrifying.
I don’t know what to do anymore. But I can’t keep doing this. ”
“Silas.”
“You’ve wrecked me. Ruined me—”
“Silas.” His voice was firmer this time, more insistent. “Look at me.”
I couldn’t. I was too much of a coward to face the rejection, to see the confusion in his eyes that would soon blossom to disgust once he realized what I was confessing to.
Who could want someone like this?
I didn’t know how to love properly, how to open myself up and let the dangers of emotion in.
What could I possibly offer him other than someone who frequently stumbled over their own inadequacies?
I was a fool to think any of this would make sense. That keeping Terran wouldn’t be at the detriment of him and his own growth. He was still young and had a whole world to experience outside the confines of Ellington Heights and whatever it had to offer him.
He was made for bigger things.
Better ones.
A pair of hands rested against my cheeks, pulling my head up until I had no choice but to look at him. His touch was tentative, as was the curiosity reflecting back at me. They held no sign of the judgment or revulsion I’d convinced myself I’d find.
How could there be when he was such a goddamn bleeding heart.
“What are you trying to tell me?”
“I...” My words faltered, sticking in my throat.
His hands didn’t move, his thumbs brushed faintly against my cheeks and steadying me.
“I have feelings for you,” I said, the words tumbling out before I could second-guess them.
For a moment, he stopped, growing still. His eyes searched my face, probing for the cracks in the armor, the flicker of humor, the budding of the joke he seemed so sure was coming. The kind of deflection typically leaned on like a crutch to steer conversations away from uncomfortable truths.
But there was none of that for him now. I had no sarcastic biting comments to offer, no quick-witted remarks to relieve the tension now thickening the air between us. Nothing to ease the pressure that had landed squarely on his shoulders to respond to what I’d just confessed.
It would be so easy to backtrack. To tell him none of this was serious, that I was just testing him to gauge his reaction and let him off the hook. We could laugh it off, pretend this moment never happened and keep things exactly as they were.
Safe.
Predictable.
Distant.
Then again, when had I ever been one to choose the easy route?
What was I if not a closet masochist, standing here waiting for the fallout like a man on the front lines?
The silence stretched, unbearable in its weight. My heart hammered against my ribs, hard enough to hurt and speckle black dots in my vision. Two panic responses in a row when it came to dealing with him. What an unfathomable way for my body to deal with stress.
Finally, a slow grin began to work its way onto his face.
“Feelings,” he repeated.
Heat rushed to my face—so uncharacteristic, as was the sudden flush of embarrassment coursing through me. Making fun of me wasn’t all on my radar for possibilities. “Romantic... feelings.”
“Romantic feelings,” he repeated again, grin widening.
“Terran,” I all but begged. “Please.”
His smile faded, replaced by something quieter, something I couldn’t name but felt down to my bones. Without another word, he reached up behind me, his hands sliding to the back of my neck as he pulled me down toward him.
And then he kissed me.
It wasn’t rushed or frantic. It wasn’t the kind of kiss meant to drown out the world or silence the words hanging in the air between us.
It was deliberate, tender, and completely disarming.
The kind of kiss that stripped away every layer of defense I’d ever built, leaving me bare and exposed in a way that should have terrified me—but didn’t.
I grabbed at him, hauling him closer as I let go of the fear, the doubt, the endless loop of insecurities that had been holding me back.
What was the point in all of them when it led me to nowhere other than a pit of my own self-inflicted injuries?
Like Avery said, I’d never be happy if I kept this cycle going endlessly.
When he finally pulled back, he rested his forehead against mine, his breath warm against my lips. He stayed pressed against me, his thumb coming down to trace a faint circle along my cheek and down to my jaw.
“You’re an idiot,” he said softly, a faint smile tugging at his lips.
“Excuse me?” I replied.
He rolled his eyes. “You’ve been walking around with this big, dramatic confession weighing you down and you didn’t think for one second that I might actually feel the same way?”
“I—” Hadn’t... entertained the idea longer than my spiraling allowed me to.
Why bother when the chances of it happening weren’t very high?
A casual relationship turned serious was a rare thing. Rarer for feelings to even be reciprocated in the first place.
He shook his head. “Honestly, Silas. What am I going to do with you?”
I breathed out slowly. “I don’t know.”
Kill me?
“Keep you, clearly,” he answered himself, another grin tugging at his lips. “Since you asked so nicely.”
“Did I?” At this point, the entire morning had been a complete blur. Brought on by my very thinly controlled panic that had only grown worse the longer I sat on it and did nothing for it.
It was a wonder I’d made it home in one piece and hadn’t drifted off into the oncoming lane of traffic.
“Yeah, with buying me a new wardrobe.”
Oh. Right. “Actually, I had something else in mind.”
He leaned back just enough to raise a brow. “Oh?”
“Your waist chains, for one.”
He threw me a bewildered look. “You actually bought them? I didn’t think... Silas, you didn’t need to do that. I would’ve gotten a new pair, eventually.”
I cupped his face, pulling him back in to press my lips to each corner of his mouth. “I wanted to.”
His expression softened. “Oh.”
“Besides,” I continued. “You’d never be able to afford the pair I picked out. No offense,” I added quickly.
His eyes narrowed slowly. “How much did you spend?”
I shrugged. Not that it mattered. Maybe as an anniversary gift, I’d get him a collar. The thin chain type, wrapped in diamonds with a soldered clasp in the back he could hide under the collar of his uniform.
Or maybe one to match his waist chains. He did look fantastic in green.
Actually, why not two?
“Silas.” He nudged me. “How much did you spend?”
“Does it matter?”
His eyes widened, horrified. “Don’t tell me it’s worth more than my car.”
“Everything is worth more than that car, Terran. That’s not a large threshold to surpass. Speaking of which, we need to get you a new one.”
“We?” His voice cracked.
“Yes. Your sister, too, I suppose. Before winter actually hits. Neither of you should be driving in that death trap.” Picturing it in my mind, clear as day, the rust marks and crooked license plate, no doubt a forewarning to what was hiding on the under carriage.
Bringing it to Brandon’s auto body shop would be our best bet; better than bringing it directly to a salvage yard, at least. “You probably also have bald tires.”
Brandon could keep whatever cash he’d offer for it.
Use it for parts and scrap the rest so long as he didn’t give the keys back to Terran, no matter how many times a badge was flashed in his face.
Maybe it was better if I kept him distracted.
Most people around here tended to get intimidated by the boys in blue.
He shoved at my chest, the gesture more playful than forceful. “It just passed inspection, thank you very much. And my tires were fine.”
“Passable fine,” I asked, raising a brow. “Or actually-had-some-tread-left?”
“Ha, ha. Funny.”
Not answering my question was enough of an answer for me. “New car. Non-negotiable. Then I’m taking you to Palmerston so you can test drive it when it finally snows.”
His jaw dropped, a soft, “Palmerston?” muttered under his breath.
“Yes. I went to school there. It has a big parking lot that gets abandoned once the sun goes down.”
“Surprised you didn’t go to a fancy boarding school.” He waved his hand in the air. “What, with the trust fund.”
Instead of answering him, I simply let a slow smirk rise on my face.
There was no point in saying anything when he was a smart and clever man, easily able to read between the very obvious lines and figure it out for himself.
If I gave him enough time, I had no doubt he’d be quite good at guessing the rest of my school history.
“No.” He replied, eyes widened.
My smirk remained plastered to my face. “I’ll give you time to guess what country it was in.”
“I can’t even believe you. My public school had a metal detector. I hope that makes your privileged ass feel an ounce of sympathy for us poors.”
Easy. Far, far too easy to rile him up. And with something so simple, too. I’d have fun figuring out which pieces of my class status dug at him the most over the next few months. It’d be a fun little bingo game to play by myself while we tussled around in the sheets.
Right as I turned to grab the pan from the stove and scoop out what was left of the burnt omelet, Terran spoke up again.
“Hey, Silas…”
Something in his tone made me pause, my hand hovering over the handle. When I looked back at him, he was already reaching for me, his fingers curling into the front of my shirt. The tug was gentle but insistent, pulling me down toward him.
And then he kissed me—firm and deliberate, the kind that left no room for misinterpretation. “I have feelings for you, too. Just so you know.”
For a moment, all I could do was stare at him, the words sinking in and clicking into place. I looped an arm around his waist, pulling him against me in one swift motion. The laugh that bubbled out of him as I crushed him to me was light, so purely him that it made my chest ache.
I buried my face in the crook of his neck, trailing kisses across his skin, up to his jaw, his cheeks, his forehead—anywhere I could reach. “Good,” I murmured between each kiss. “Good.”
“You’re stuck with me now,” he teased.
I wouldn’t have it any other way.