36. Atlas
Chapter thirty-six
S he is so fucking adorable, it’s impossible to keep myself from smiling around her. I had tried to keep my distance today, but she kept pulling me into their conversations and making sure I could see all the animals as she pointed them out.
When she cooed over those baby penguins, I knew I had to find her a stuffed one to take home. I was just grateful they had them in the store and I didn’t have to order one online, I wasn’t great with that sort of shit.
When we reach the SUV, I regret not finding a moment to pull her aside early to speak, but I’m determined to do it before we get home. I’ve left it too long as it is.
“Malishka, do you want to sit in the back with me? I could rub your sore feet for you?”
“Really? You’d want to do that?” she asks as I set her on her feet and turn to see her clutching her stuffed penguin like it’s her prized possession, making me feel a little more confident in my decision to talk to her.
“Yep, come on, jump in,” I tell her, offering my hand to help her. She climbs in and Ben gives me a wink before silently moving to the driver’s seat .
For the first fifteen minutes, I don’t speak as I think about what to say. She leans back with her eyes closed, offering small moans as I knead the bottoms of her feet, making my cock twitch in my pants, wanting to hear more of her moaning.
“Malishka?” I ask, making sure she hasn’t drifted off to sleep.
“Hmm?” she asks, lifting her head and opening her eyes to look at me in question.
“I fucked up. I’m sorry.” I see a mixture of relief and hurt in her eyes and it pains me to know that I’m the one who put that there. She doesn’t say anything, and I’m grateful, knowing I have a lot I need to say, and her interrupting would only make me forget everything I need to get out.
“I pushed things too fast with you, I see that now. I have absolutely no excuse for getting intimate with you before I told you the truth about me and the case. All I can say is it didn’t feel too fast at the time.
“I hate that it happened that way. I took what was a beautiful moment with you and tainted it with deceit and I’ll never forgive myself for that,” I tell her as I drop my eyes to where I’m rubbing her foot. Afraid of the hatred I might see in her eyes.
“I was just so desperate to call you officially mine, I didn’t stop to think about what still stood between us. From the moment I saw you being carried into the house in Jasper’s arms, I… I just knew you were mine. I don’t even know how to explain that, but the mere sight of you pulled at something deep in my chest, like my heart knew you belonged there. I don’t know if that’s love at first sight, or soulmates or what, but I didn’t care. All I was focused on was making you safe and making you mine. But I was blinded by the threat to your emotional safety that we all proved to be, and for that, I’m so fucking sorry .
“I don’t expect you to forgive me, but I hope I can work towards your forgiveness one day. Even if it takes months, years… I’ll do whatever it takes.”
I dare to glance up at her just in time to see a tear break free and roll down her cheek. “Fuck,” I whisper, realizing I’ve made her cry. “Malishka—”
“Thank you for telling me all of that. I honestly was really upset that you didn’t explain things to me before we took such a big step. Not only physically, but emotionally, too. You told me you loved me and asked me to be your girlfriend, all while knowing I knew nothing about the case or my involvement in it. That hurt.”
I lick my dry lips and nod at her, wanting her to continue, to get it all out. I’m thankful for Ben staying quiet in the front seat and letting us hash this out ourselves.
“But I’m starting to realize that it’s not exactly black and white. And while my head is telling me I can’t trust you, my heart seems to disagree. And when I think about a life without you in it… I—” she cuts herself off, wiping the tears from her eyes quickly before they fall. “I don’t want that. I love you, Atlas. And I want you in my life.”
“You do?” I whisper, afraid to spook her. She nods at me and I smile. “I love you too, Malishka.”
I undo both our seat belts, then reach out and pull her into my lap so she’s straddling me. Then I awkwardly put the belt around both of us.
She chuckles against my neck. “What are you doing?”
“I just want to hold you right now, okay?” I haven’t been able to hold her in a while and I’ve been craving her closeness. She nods and snuggles against me. I wrap my arms around her and lean my head against hers. My eyes meet Ben’s in the rearview mirror and he smiles, I smile back gratefully, knowing this wouldn’t have happened if he hadn’t let me crash his date today.
“And Atlas?”
“Hmm?”
“You didn’t ruin our first time together. It was still amazing. Even if I wish I had more information before it happened, I don't regret it.”
“I don’t deserve you,” I whisper, holding her a little bit tighter.
When we’re about ten minutes from home, I gently nudge her awake and undo the seatbelt so she can sit beside me.
“What’s going on?” she asks around a yawn as she looks out the window.
“We’re almost home, but I wanted to give you something before we get there,” I tell her as I reach under my seat for the item I’d placed there when we first left the house.
I pass her the horribly wrapped package and watch her anxiously, praying she likes it and doesn’t think it’s lame.
She unwraps in quickly to reveal the hand-carved wooden box.
“Wow…” she says, her fingers trailing over the designs. “It’s beautiful, thank you.” I want to tell her that I carved it for her, but the words catch in my throat, worried about what she’ll think if she knew that.
“Aren’t the carvings exquisite?” Ben asks from the front seat. He smirks when my eye catches his in the mirror.
“They are. Wait—Did you get this made specially for me? All these things are so… personal,” she asks as I watch her eyes dart around it, trying to find the meaning behind each symbol.
“I… I made it for you,” I admit quietly.
“Atlas… I had no idea you could do this. That’s amazing! Tell me what they all mean! ”
“Well, the cowboy hat and boots are for Tucker, the gears there are for our tech in the front seat, the yin yang is for the twins, the teacup is for Gideon.” She laughs at the one, no doubt because of his love for earl gray tea. “The pipe is for Dom, he loves to collect detective memorabilia and this is Sherlock’s pipe.”
“Where’s the one for you?” she asks as she turns it to get a look at the sides.
I point to the top edge. Hidden amongst vines is a switchblade. “It’s your knife,” she says, her finger trailing over it. I nod.
“This is amazing, Atlas, thank you.”
“Open it,” I tell her and when she does as I ask, she gasps as the music starts playing and the little ballerina pops up and starts spinning slowly.
“A music box? This is so cool, I love it even more!” She smiles up at me and I relax, letting the tension drain from my shoulders.
“Now you have to find the other hidden items in the design.”
“What?!” she asks, closing the lid and studying it. “There are things there that represent you as well as other stuff that represents each of us, they’re just well hidden, so you have to look carefully.”
We spend the rest of the drive home with her finding items and trying to guess who they are for and what they mean. By the time we get home, I feel so relaxed and at ease that nothing can bring me down.