15. Valentina
15
VALENTINA
“ A re you sure it’s all right for me to go out today?” I turned to Bianca, chewing my lip, torn between a sense of duty to her and wanting to participate in the day for Rose’s sake. I had already missed most of her shower and had walked out early on her engagement party. I sort of owed her one event where she would get my attention.
That didn’t make it any easier to leave Bianca holding the bag the day before the wedding. It was one thing to have my nails done and a facial yesterday, but the day before the wedding would inevitably bring last-minute issues and small fires that would need to be put out.
She stuck her tablet stylus through her high ponytail before taking me by the shoulders and turning me in place until I faced the front courtyard of the hotel, where a pair of stretch limousines waited to take Rose’s wedding party—all of our moms and a few of her other friends—out to the lake that sat nestled between Evan’s country club and golf course. I was the lone straggler, practically shifting my weight from one foot to the other, torn over doing the right thing.
“You look absolutely adorable,” Bianca pointed out, eyeing my navy-and-white striped top and white pants. I had gone all in on the nautical theme. “You are not going to waste looking this cute on a day spent following florists around a ballroom. I’ve got this. Go enjoy yourself before I have to tie you up and shove you in the damn limousine.”
“Ouch. Fine,” I grumbled, slinging a straw bag over my shoulder and taking a deep breath. I had to learn when to step back. While I’d never considered myself a control freak, this wedding was starting to make me reconsider.
“Go,” Bianca ordered behind me when I didn’t leave fast enough for her. “I’m going to start thinking you don’t trust me.”
Nothing could’ve been further from the truth, and that was what got my feet moving. Aria poked her head out through the open window of the second limo when she caught my approach. “Finally! Let’s go!”
“Are you always this impatient?” I asked my twin, who’d had her formally amethyst locks tinged a darker shade of blue yesterday. They shone in the sun before she ducked back into the vehicle, where I joined her a moment later. Sienna wasted no time handing me a mimosa.
“You look like you could use a drink,” she announced, raising her glass to me. “Let’s get this party started!”
“As much as we can party with our moms around,” I pointed out, laughing warmly.
Rose snickered, holding a cup of what looked like lemonade. She’d graduated from ginger ale. “Let’s be honest. I wouldn’t be partying anyway,” she reminded us. I wondered if she was consciously aware of the way her hand drifted to her belly, which was still mostly flat .
“How are you feeling?” I asked, sipping my mimosa and settling back against the leather seat. Sienna was right. I did need this.
“Fantastic. I finally turned a corner, thank God.” She smiled brilliantly, patting her belly. “I keep telling this kid to give me another couple of days before they decide to start showing themselves, and we’ll be all set.”
She felt good. That was a good thing. My pulse doubled just the same, and a sick sensation twisted my insides. I’d felt good that awful morning, hadn’t I? For the first time in weeks. But everything wasn’t okay. It was the exact opposite when I’d started bleeding.
“Don’t worry,” Aria joked. “If you have a little bit of a tummy in any of your wedding photos, you can just say you ate too much cake.”
I tried to laugh with everyone, but it was hollow, half-hearted. I barely heard any of them, their voices blending together in a wall of noise while I consciously forced myself to breathe more slowly. Rose was healthy, the baby was fine, she had gone for a checkup earlier in the week, and the doctor confirmed everything was going according to schedule. My story was not her story. There was nothing to be afraid of.
That didn’t mean I could relax. I spent the day only half aware of everything going on around me. “Too distracted with work to have any fun,” Mom declared once we were out on the boat, and I didn’t bother correcting her. It was safer not to.
“Oh, my God. These are gorgeous.” I looked at Aria and Sienna, both of whom gazed down at the velvet boxes Rose handed to the three of us prior to entering the clubhouse for the rehearsal dinner.
“I was hoping you would all wear them tomorrow,” she told us in a shy, sweet voice. “But it’s up to you. I’m not going to be a bridezilla about it.”
Gazing down at the diamond and sapphire earrings, which glittered stunningly with even the slightest move, I murmured, “Are you kidding? I’d be happy to wear them.” The others added their agreement, all of us giggling over how beautiful the earrings were and how generous she was.
“Please, it’s the least I can do. You have all been amazing throughout all this craziness. Especially you,” Rose added, turning to me with a smile. “You are a gift to everybody who knows you. We are so lucky to have you in our lives, looking after us, making sure we have what we need.”
Maybe that’s who I’d become, a momma to everyone else when I’d lost the chance.
“Amen.” My sister draped an arm around my waist and gave me a little squeeze. “I just wish you would take care of yourself now.”
I only offered a weak smile while carefully tucking the velvet box into my purse for safekeeping. I couldn’t tell my sister or any of them that it was easier to focus on other people—friends, family, clients—because it meant not having to think too much about myself. That was one thing I had learned through this experience, sort of a wake-up call when it came to the way my mind worked. It was safer to pour my energy into making things perfect for everybody else because they would never be perfect for me.
I was in all kinds of turmoil by the time we gathered together in the country club dining room. Evan was the master of ceremonies, quietly ordering the staff around, offering drinks to the guests, and generally putting everyone at ease. That was a gift he had.
He also had a gift of making my stomach do cartwheels when I set eyes on him. It was that sudden fluttery sensation that made my heart drop in dismay. I cared too much. I had completely forgotten to guard my heart this time around.
And two nights ago, I’d come close to confessing a secret I’d never told anybody. Not even Aria. What was he supposed to do with the fact that I sometimes went to the park and thought about the baby I lost? How I sometimes talked to her in my head while I watched little kids run around, wondering what she would have looked like and what her voice would’ve sounded like.
It was on the tip of my tongue before I thought twice. He would never understand.
“Here’s the bride!” Ari came toward us with his arms outstretched. I had never seen him glowing the way he did when he smiled at his daughter. “I was going to send out a search party if you didn’t show up soon.”
“I just needed a minute with my girls,” Rose explained, kissing his cheek before Colton joined her. She changed right before my eyes, her smile going soft and tender. In another few seconds, she would look like one of those smiley-face emojis with hearts where her eyes should be. If a stranger walked in right now, they would know exactly who this rehearsal dinner was for.
That would never be me.
Lifting my gaze, I found Evan watching me from across the room. We had to maintain appearances in mixed company, and right now, that was a good thing. An excuse to avoid him, to avoid the awkward questions bound to be on his mind and the feelings I hadn’t guarded myself against.
Deep, burning regret made my chest ache and tears burn behind my eyes. I blinked them away, angry with myself for being so weak. My feelings didn’t matter now. If I had missed out on the chance to be happy and had trust issues as a result, that was my problem. Not Rose’s or anyone else’s.
If feet could sigh in relief, mine would have once I slid out of my strappy sandals in my hotel room. The silence was miraculous after hours spent surrounded by happy, laughing people who insisted on giving countless toasts.
It was past midnight by the time I washed off my makeup. Tomorrow would already be a long day, and it wouldn’t get any easier if I didn’t get right to bed.
My bridesmaid dress hung over the back of the closet door. I smiled at it in passing, unzipping the dress I’d worn to dinner and pulling on an oversized T-shirt to sleep in.
The following day’s itinerary ran through my head as I turned down the bed and grabbed my phone, sliding between the sheets. There was no way I’d be able to sleep without making sure there were no outstanding messages waiting to be answered.
My head touched the pillow before there was a knock at the door. For a second, the idea of pretending I was fast asleep was appealing enough to tempt me, but then there was the chance of missing something important. What if a problem arose and I had ignored it? That was what got me up and across the room so I could peer through the peephole into the hallway.
Except I should’ve known there was only one person who would knock at my door at this time of night. Evan stood with a hand against the doorjamb, leaning casually, maybe a little drunk after celebrating with the guys. His already sexy hair was tousled, his shirt untucked, and his collar hanging open.
For some reason, what would normally have turned me on only pissed me off. He figured he could show up unannounced, uninvited, and get anything he wanted.
Instead of ignoring him, I opened the door and folded my arms, looking him up and down. Damn his sizzling little smirk as he did the same to me, eyeing my T-shirt. “What are you doing here?” I asked with a roll of my eyes. “It’s so late, and I have to be up early. So do you.”
“I know.” His smirk widened to a knowing smile. I could smell the whiskey on his breath when he leaned in like he was looking for a kiss. “I figured we would sleep better together after a short workout… if you know what I mean.”
He entered the room and closed the door behind him, then took me by the waist before I could move beyond his reach. I was in no mood, but it seemed he didn’t notice or care.
“What are you doing?” I asked, turning my face away when he leaned down.
“What do you think I’m doing?” He laughed like it was all a game, and I guess to him, it was. That was my fault. I had let him believe I was that easy to sleep with. Touch me the right way, say a few dirty things to turn me on, and I was as good as on my back with my legs in the air.
Resentment bubbled in my chest, searing my insides. Just then, I didn’t know who I was angrier with, him or myself, for letting him believe I was so easy to seduce.
“I never said I was in the mood for this tonight,” I reminded him, fighting to sound calm and reasonable as I freed myself from his grip. When his hands landed on my hips, I shoved them away, grinding my teeth when he groaned like he was losing something that belonged to him. I did not belong to him. Maybe once upon a time, I thought I’d had, but he shattered that.
“What’s the matter this time?” he asked with an exasperated sigh as I went to the bed and sat down. “What did I say that was so wrong?”
“Have you always acted like everything is about you, or am I only noticing it now?”
“For fuck’s sake.” He threw his hands in the air, shaking his head, muttering all sorts of things I didn’t feel like listening to. This was only ever a good time for him. I knew that. He had never made any promises.
I stiffened my spine and lifted my chin. He was not going to coerce me into fucking him tonight or ever again, for that matter. We were never going to have what Colton and Rose found, and I wanted that. I never knew how much until now, with my heart aching and my spirits crumpled. I wanted what they had. Was that so much to ask? I deserve that.
With a tight, cheerless smile, I said, “I realize you’ve gotten used to getting your dick wet whenever we’re together, but that’s not happening right now.”
“Would you at least tell me what’s wrong? You’ve been acting strangely since Thursday night, Friday morning, whatever you want to call it.” He waved a hand which he then pointed to the bed. “One minute, we’re talking like two normal people, and the next minute, you can’t be bothered to say goodnight before turning your back on me. Do you think I’m going to put up with this forever?”
Touching a hand to my chest, I gasped. “Poor thing! How dare I not spread my legs whenever your dick jumps. You are such a heroic figure. Who do you think will play you in the movie about your life?”
“Oh, fuck off,” he scoffed, sneering down at me. Incredible how quickly his attitude changed when sex was off the table. He backed away, shaking his head. “You want to be childish, be my guest. I don’t have to waste my time witnessing it.”
“That’s right…” I laughed as he headed for the door, “… I wouldn’t want to waste your precious time. I forgot your life is so much more important than mine and always has been.”
“What does that mean?” He turned around in the doorway, which his broad shoulders almost filled.
“Why don’t you think about it for a little bit?” I asked, folding my arms as I marched toward him. “You’re a grown-up. I shouldn’t have to spell it out for you.”
I tried to close the door on him, but he was too fast, shoving a hand up to hold it partly open. “Are you ever going to get tired of shutting me out whenever you get a little bit uncomfortable?”
For some reason, out of everything that had happened between us, that struck me as hilarious, if not a little sad. “Look who’s talking. The man who washed his hands of me the second things got complicated.”
There was no way that surprised him. He had to know I would throw it in his face one day. Or was he truly as self-absorbed as I had once believed and convinced myself to forget?
After a moment or two of sputtering on his part, I shook my head in disappointment. “Go take a cold shower,” I muttered, taking a second to watch confusion play over his chiseled features before I closed the door between us.
This time, it would have to stay closed. No matter how it hurt, no matter how I wished otherwise.
We were over.
We’d been over for a long, long time.