Chapter 7 Pretending
One week later
E lla felt a teensy bit guilty as Gage drove her to her second therapy appointment. Though he seemed to think she should welcome her biological mother into her life with open arms, she wasn’t ready to fully trust the woman yet. Instead, Ella was bracing herself for the biggest role-playing session in her life. She and Gage had done their homework, enough to know that a person suffering from anterograde amnesia would likely not remember much from her last psychiatric appointment. So that’s how she planned to play it today.
“Are you sure you want to do this?” Gage looked like he was trying to mask his disapproval, but he wasn’t doing a very good job of it. “Dr. Avery Radcliffe doesn’t have so much as a speeding ticket on her record. I checked.”
“She was an absent mother for over twenty years.” That was the part Ella was having the most trouble getting over. She understood that marriages didn’t always work out, but that didn’t excuse a parent’s responsibility toward their child.
“She’s present now.” He drove her up to the plaza strip that housed her mother’s practice and managed to snag a streetside parking spot.
“Is she?” Ella wanted that more than anything. She truly did. That was the sticking point. She was afraid to give the woman a chance, because she was afraid of being rejected by her. Again. “I think the jury’s still out on that, since she’s refusing to acknowledge we’re related.”
“Only in public,” he reminded. “For safety reasons, according to her.”
“I’d rather keep my options open.” If he thought she was being uncharitable, well, she’d warned him she was a heathen. “The more she opens up to me, the more I’ll open up to her. That’s the best I can give her right now.”
“Or you could forgive her.” He stared straight ahead.
“Gage!” She wasn’t accustomed to his criticism. “Where is this coming from?”
“Personal experience in holding grudges.” He sounded troubled. “What I didn’t tell you about my adoptive mother was that she tried to put my younger brother in the foster care system after my adoptive dad died. She said it wasn’t fair to expect a woman her age to care for an energetic nine-year-old by herself.”
“What?” Ella gasped.
“That’s the real reason I applied for guardianship of Rock. I wasn’t sure if any court would grant that kind of legal responsibility to a deployable soldier, but your dad jumped in with his character reference. The fact that he was a Medal of Honor recipient undoubtedly carried some weight with the judge.”
“Oh, wow!” She could easily picture her dad doing something like that. He’d spent his entire life taking care of others.
Myself included.
“I was so mad at her, Ella. You don’t just flush a nine-year-old kid down the toilet because you’re too busy or too tired to be bothered. I was angry with her for months, but your dad helped me with that, too. He invited me to church. Introduced me to some really great people who helped me figure out the whole single parenting gig. They were really nice to Rock, too. Helped him get involved in a local football league. The most important takeaway was that they made us feel like we mattered again.”
“You matter to me!” She reached for his hand.
He threaded his fingers through hers. “You matter to me, too. A lot. That’s why I don’t want to see you walk down the same road I did. Holding on to my anger wasn’t good for me and it certainly wasn’t good for Rock. Only after I forgave my adoptive mother was I able to truly move on with my life. Up until that point, I was stuck in a rut.”
“I hear what you’re saying,” she sighed, “but…”
“I’m not saying she deserves it, Ella. From the sound of things, she probably doesn’t.”
She burst out laughing. “Did you just contradict yourself?” It felt like he was back on her side, and that felt good.
His lips quirked upward. “It might sound like it on the surface, but it’s not. Forgiving others, even when they don’t deserve it, makes you feel better about things. It just does.”
She peeked at him from beneath her lashes. “Lemme guess. You’re not overly thrilled about the fact that I’m still mad at God, either.”
“You’re quick.” He gently squeezed her hand.
“And you’re already having visions of dragging me by my hair to church next Sunday?” He’d invited her yesterday, but she’d turned him down, then spent the rest of the day feeling bad about it.
“No dragging,” he promised.
She gave a dramatic moan. “I’m starting to feel like my heathen days are numbered.”
“I like the sound of that.” He grinned at her. “On that note, enjoy your next therapist appointment.”
“Oh?” She pretended confusion. “I figured after your little front seat pep talk we could just check that box and head back to the sanctuary.”
“Very funny.” He got out and opened her door for her. “No matter what your mom says today, just keep reminding yourself that she’s the same woman who gave you a kidney.” He walked her up to the sidewalk. “It’ll help you get through the appointment. I promise.”
“Thank you.” Even though they were standing in a public place, she leaned closer to give him a hug. “I don’t say it enough.”
“No complaints here.” He hugged her back. “You treat me better than anyone else ever has.”
“Gage,” she sighed, hugging him tighter.
“Yeah, baby. I feel it, too.” It was with the greatest reluctance that he let her go. “But it’s time to get moving.” He gave her a gentle nudge. “I don’t want to make you late.”
Ella felt like she was dancing through the front door of the psychiatrist’s office. Nurse Triss did her thing, then led her down the hallway to the conference room.
Dr. Jones and her mother were already seated there. He stood and hurried her way. “You must be Ella.” He shook her hand jovially. “I’m sorry for missing our first appointment, but sometimes sharing isn’t caring. Certainly not where the flu bug is concerned.” He looked like he was in his mid to late forties, definitely younger than her mom.
“I appreciate your stinginess with your germs, sir.”
They shared a chuckle.
“Good morning, Dr. Radcliffe,” Ella intoned politely as they joined her mother at the conference table. She watched a shadow of disappointment cross her mother’s fine-boned features.
“Please have a seat.” Her mother gestured at the chair right next to her.
The only reason Ella accepted her mother’s offer was because she was seated on the side of the conference table where the windows were. As she sank into the chair, she remembered Gage’s words.
You gave me a kidney. She forced a smile to her lips.
Dr. Jones took a seat across from them. “I’m excited about meeting with you and Dr. Radcliffe, whom you may or may not remember is your biological mother.”
“I remember.” After her conversation with Gage outside the building, Ella was suddenly no longer in the mood to play games. “I remember everything that’s happened since the day I arrived in Heart Lake — from the semi-truck driver, Jim, who drove me the rest of the way to The Hitching Post to Billy Bob Bolander, who horse tranq-ed my water glass and nearly killed me.”
Her mother nearly fell out of her chair. “Ella!” She started to reach for her, then pulled back. “I’ve waited five long years for this day.” Tears welled in her eyes. “Jim is one of our drivers at Radcliffe Industries. I’ll be sure to thank him personally. Billy Bob, on the other hand…” She shook her head. “The sheriff assured me just this morning that there’s a warrant out for his arrest.”
“Oh?” This was the first Ella was hearing about it.
Her mother’s lips tightened. “They found his truck and a half-used bottle of the same horse tranq on the floorboard.”
“So, he’s going back to jail.” Ella was both relieved to hear it and apprehensive about what sort of blowback might come from the rest of the Bolanders.
“As soon as they find him,” her mother concurred. “But enough of him. I want to talk about you and your memories that are working again!” She beamed a damp smile at her.
“I still don’t remember a lot of things about the last five years.” Ella didn’t want to mislead them about her progress. “My memories of that time are coming back like tiny broken pieces of stained glass. I spend the whole day piecing together a tiny corner of the window, but sometimes it falls apart again while I’m sleeping.”
“That must be very frustrating for you.” Dr. Jones slid a box of tissues across the table toward her mother.
Ella scowled indignantly at him. “You want to know what’s really frustrating? Remembering that I spent the last five years being held like a prisoner in my mother’s vacation home on the beach. There were guards and everything.” Sorry, Gage. Her anger gurgled back to the surface like a geyser. Some things were simply meant to erupt.
“Bodyguards,” her mother retorted. “I hired them for your safety.”
“There were dozens of them,” Ella grumbled.
“Not quite that many.” Her mother chuckled through her tears. “Though it may have felt that way. No matter how luxurious the cage, it’s still a cage.”
Dr. Jones listened to their spirited exchange with a benign smile. He didn’t seem to be in any hurry to jump in and add his therapist’s wisdom to the mix.
“Why wasn’t I safe?” Ella was too starved for answers to dwell on Dr. Jones’ lack of input to their session .
Her mother blew her nose. “Because whoever killed your father wanted you dead, as well.”
“How do you know that?” Vagaries weren’t good enough for Ella. She wanted specifics.
Her mother waved her hands in agitation. “Because it’s the only thing that makes sense! I’ve spent thousands of dollars on private investigators. Enough to know that Mick Lawton lived a saintly life. The only secret he had was the one about his birth.”
And mine. Ella couldn’t believe her mother was overlooking the elephant in the room. Then again, she’d been in on that particular secret.
“He always said he never knew who his father was, but I think he did,” her mother continued, fisting her hands in her lap. “His father was a very wealthy, very powerful man. He still is.”
Ella’s heart pounded with anticipation. “You mean he’s alive?”
“Yes.” Her mother seemed to recoil. “But the less you know about him, the better. I’m not withholding information to be cruel. I’m doing it to keep you safe.”
Whatever. Ella nibbled her lower lip, trying to swallow her frustration. “Why didn’t Dad fight back against his killer?” Surely, her mother wouldn’t withhold that kind of information.
“He couldn’t, because his assailant stunned him with a taser.”
Ella drew a sobbing breath, both sad and grateful to finally have that piece of the puzzle handed to her. “That makes more sense than my hazy memories, because Dad was so strong.” Physically and mentally. “A soldier like him would’ve never crumbled in the heat of the moment. ”
“No, but he was a little distracted that day,” her mother sighed.
Ella narrowed her gaze on her face. “By you,” she said slowly. “You were there, weren’t you?”
“I was.” More tears dripped down her mother’s face.
“Only hours after you gave me your kidney.” Ella huffed out a disbelieving breath. “Why weren’t you still in bed?”
“I should have been,” her mother admitted. “But you were in a different room, and I had to see for myself that you were okay.” She grabbed a clean tissue to dab at her eyes. “We disobeyed doctor’s orders, and Mick snuck me down the hallway in a wheelchair. It was total chaos trying to roll my IV line beside the wheelchair. I wasn’t much help,” she confessed, “still groggy from the anesthesia and as limp as a spaghetti noodle.”
Ella hung on her every word, as more missing pieces of her memories were filled in.
“After the attack on your father, it was utter pandemonium in your patient wing for a while.” Her mother shuddered as she recounted what had happened that fateful night. “The police posted a guard by your door, but I ordered extra security on top of that.” Her hands were in constant motion while she talked. “I’d taken a very last-minute leave of absence from work, claiming an illness. It wasn’t too hard to pull off since I co-own a private practice. My dad didn’t question it too much, either, since I jet down to the beach pretty often for holiday weekends and such.” She drew a tremulous breath. “At least I did while you were living down there. I don’t have much reason to now.”
Glancing at the wall clock, Ella was dismayed to note how quickly time had flown. Her second appointment was nearly at its end. “I’d like to squeeze in one last question, if I may. ”
“Sure, hon.” Her mother leaned her way eagerly. “Anything.”
Anything other than the stuff you don’t want to talk about. Ella swallowed the bitter retort that sprang to her lips and plunged onward. “Who have you been protecting me from?”
“I don’t know.” A vulnerable light crept into her mother’s eyes, one that assured Ella better than words that she was telling the truth.
“You have got to be kidding me.” Despite all the forward steps she’d taken today, her mother’s latest revelation felt like an equal number of backward steps.
“I wish I was.” Her mother shook her head sadly. “For this reason, I implore you not to go anywhere without a bodyguard. I’ll get on my knees right now and beg, if that’s what it takes.”
Ella almost chuckled at the mental image, but there was no way she was letting the woman who’d given her a kidney demean herself like that. “Actually, I’m using my inheritance to pay for round-the-clock protection from Lonestar Security.” Technically, Gage was handling the evenings and weekends while off duty, but that was their business. Nobody else’s.
“I’m glad to hear it, hon. You can’t do any better than those Lonestar guys. I know, because I have my own running tab with them.” Her smile was wry.
“Because you’re afraid?” Ella inquired softly.
Her mother shrugged. “I’m a Radcliffe. I’ve never been free to walk down the street without looking over my shoulder.”
The anger that Ella had been clinging to for the past week suddenly felt like a balloon that had sprung a leak. I forgive you. Even though she didn’t say the words aloud, they were accompanied by the most liberating feeling.
Gage had been right. Hanging onto a grudge was like sipping on poison. She’d already lost five years of her life. She didn’t want to lose a minute more of it. And who was she to judge her mother? She’d never walked a day in her shoes. Not to mention it didn’t sound like her shoes were easy to walk in.
Her mother moved restlessly in her chair. “As much as I hate to end our appointment,” she sighed.
“It’s okay, Mom.” Ella gave her a teary smile.
“Oh, Ella!” Her mother clapped a hand over her mouth, looking overcome about being called Mom for the first time.
In an attempt to lighten the mood, Ella pretended to scowl at Dr. Jones. “It’s a good thing you’re not charging me for this session, because you’ve been awfully quiet over there.”
A laughing sob erupted from her mother. “You sounded so much like your father just now.”
“Chip off the old block.” Ella stood and held out her hands to her mother, intending to help pull her to her feet.
Her mother stood and used her hands to draw her into a perfume-scented embrace instead. “I’ll be counting the minutes until our next session, hon.”
Ella hugged her back, dying to get back outside and tell Gage how much better things had gone after she’d followed his advice.