Chapter 25
TESSA
I sat at my desk, hands trembling as I stared at the computer screen without seeing it.
Daniel's words kept replaying in my head.
Making coffee. Answering phones.
Your job description is executive assistant.
The humiliation burned in my chest, made worse by having to maintain my composure while being dressed down in front of Lucian.
Twenty minutes ago, I'd been riding the high of preparing to tell Lucian I was pregnant.
Now I felt stripped bare, reduced to nothing more than the office help who'd overstepped her boundaries.
The analytical work I'd poured my heart into, the projects that had made me feel valuable and intelligent—all of it dismissed with a wave of a board member's hand.
My phone buzzed with an internal call and I looked down to see it was Lucian's extension.
"Could you come back in, please?" His voice was tight, and after that loud thud I knew he'd thrown something. I didn't blame him for being angry. I felt that way too, but I also felt scared.
I glanced around the office, noting the curious stares from colleagues who'd heard the shouting match with his ex-wife and then Daniel. Walking back toward his office felt suffocating, every step being watched.
When I entered his office, I found him pacing behind his desk, clearly agitated.
He ran both hands through his silver hair, mussing the coif, and I could see the fury radiating from every line of his body. He'd lost it.
His cagey gait and the angry scowl on his face frightened me.
The door closed behind me and he didn't even glance up. I wanted to say something comforting, to offer reassurance that we'd figure this out together.
But the words wouldn't come.
How could I comfort him when I was drowning in my own panic? When the secret growing inside me felt impossibly heavy?
We were foolish to try for a baby. I knew I wasn't prepared financially for it yet, though I did have a nest egg that could've been used for medical bills, but given how things looked, it appeared I would be using that to support myself while I looked for a new job.
And if I told Lucian right now, he'd be happy for me, but he was so impulsive. He'd say or do something that would jeopardize his job even further.
He stopped pacing and turned toward his desk, finding the button to shutter the blinds of his office. Then he walked over to me with a stormy look on his face and cupped my cheeks, pressing his lips to mine in a hungry kiss.
I pressed on his chest, forcing him back before Daniel decided to return and find us like that.
But it frustrated him. He stopped kissing me but didn't move his hands.
"This is insane," he muttered, his thumb tracing my cheekbone. "Twenty years I've built this company, and she thinks she can destroy it over petty jealousy." He tried to kiss me, as if my lips were his medicine and without them, he would fade away.
I pulled back, my hands pressing against his chest. "Lucian, stop."
He released me immediately, stepping back with confusion clouding his features. "What's wrong?"
"We can't do this here." I wrapped my arms around myself, suddenly cold to my core. "Daniel just threatened both our jobs. Your ex-wife has photos of us. And you want to make out in your office where anyone could walk in?"
His jaw tightened, but I saw understanding dawn in his eyes. "You're right. I'm sorry, I just…" He turned away, gripping the back of his desk chair with white knuckles. "I feel out of control. Everything I've worked for is falling apart, and I can't seem to stop it."
The vulnerability in his voice made my chest ache. He was unraveling in front of me, and I was part of the reason. The guilt was overwhelming.
He backed away then, but he was still cagey.
Somewhere in my heart, I knew things had gotten too complicated and that allowing Lucian to dictate how I would conceive had been a major catalyst for that. I didn't regret the fact that I was carrying his child, but I did wish I'd have put my foot down.
In hindsight, I realized how horrible of a choice that was. I knew it was going to get leaked at some point and when it did, I'd never work in the financial sector again.
And worse, Lucian's life would get Chernobyled by Viktoria.
"What are we going to do?" I asked quietly. My insides shook a little, but I tried to keep it from showing.
It was an anxiety attack worse than any I'd had in years. Ironic how that was what started this whole thing to begin with—my nerves in that elevator.
"I don't know." He looked at me with a pained expression. "But I won't let them destroy you because of me. Whatever happens, I'll make sure you're protected."
The promise made the secret burning inside me feel heavier.
How could I tell him about the baby now?
How could I add that burden to everything else he was carrying?
If he found out, it would make him be irrational again, the way he was when he demanded that we do things the "old-fashioned" way. And I had no idea what that new eruption would look like.
"You mentioned wanting to talk to me about something," he said, settling into his chair with weary exhaustion. "What was it?"
The lie came easily, too easily. "My mom wanted to meet you. She kept asking questions about my personal life, wondering if there was someone special." I forced a casual shrug. "I thought maybe we could arrange something, but given the circumstances…"
He studied my face intently, and I had the unsettling feeling he could see straight through my deception.
Lucian had always been perceptive, able to read people and situations with uncanny accuracy.
I hated lying to him, but now was truly neither the time nor the place to reveal that I was pregnant. That conversation deserved a day of its own.
"That's all?" he asked.
"That's all."
But the way his eyes narrowed told me he didn't believe it. His stare was unnerving and I felt like I was one of his children being scolded, not the woman he'd inseminated and would likely want to have sex with again.
I wanted to confess everything—the pregnancy, my growing feelings for him, my terror that he'd regret our arrangement once the scandal destroyed his relationship with his children or cost him his business.
Instead, I stood there lying to the father of my unborn child while his world crumbled around us.
"I need to see you tonight," he said finally. "After today, after everything that just happened, I need…"
He didn't finish the sentence, but I understood. He needed the comfort of physical release, the temporary escape our stolen hours provided.
And I knew he could use a good friend, which it seemed came in limited supply now. Under normal circumstances, I would've agreed without hesitation.
But nothing about this situation was normal anymore.
"I don't think that's a good idea," I said carefully. "If they're watching you, if there are photographers—"
"The Fairmont downtown. I'll text you the room number." He was being demanding again, which I always loved—that dominant, bossy way he took me. But my guts churned. "Please, Tessa. I can't be alone tonight."
The raw honesty in those last words broke my resolve. Lucian had prided himself on independence, built walls around his heart to protect it from exactly this vulnerability, and he was asking me not to abandon him as everything fell apart.
"Okay," I whispered.
Relief flickered across his features. "Thank you."
I gathered the few personal items I kept at my desk, acutely aware of the sideways glances from colleagues who'd heard the entire showdown and then watched me retreat into his office where he shut the blinds.
The gossip mill would be working overtime by tomorrow, dissecting every detail of the confrontation and speculating about my role in the drama.
Walking to the elevator, I felt the curious stares and whispered conversations. My cheeks burned with embarrassment and shame.
None of this ever had to happen.
If only I'd been able to keep my head on my shoulders the night of the Christmas party, I'd have preempted everything.
As the elevator doors closed, I pressed my back against the cool metal wall and closed my eyes, one hand unconsciously moving to rest on my still-flat stomach.
This day had felt like a warzone.
I was exhausted and emotional, nauseous too. And my heart was strangely torn right down the middle. I was finally pregnant, but I couldn't even celebrate it with him.
And if he lost everything, I didn't think he would feel that this was something to celebrate anymore.
But somewhere between those first desperate kisses and the quiet conversations in hotel rooms, I'd fallen completely in love with him.
And now that love felt like a weapon pointed at both our hearts. Lucian didn't feel the same way, though I could see he was feeling something—be it obsession or possessiveness.
I was too young for him to consider a viable partner, anyway.
The elevator reached the lobby, and I walked out into the Chicago afternoon, my mind spinning with impossible choices.
If I told him about the baby now, would he feel better ending things?
He'd have fulfilled the desire I had to be a mother and he'd done it the way he wanted.
But would it spark something more possessive in him then? I shuddered to think what that might look like.
Lucian wasn't a controlling man at all, but who knew what would trigger his worst personality flaws.
And though I trusted him implicitly, I also feared the power and money behind his name at times and what it could do to me if he weren't so noble.
The questions followed me home to my small apartment, where Mochi greeted me with concerned purring. He sensed my distress and had come to comfort me.
I sank onto my couch, surrounded by the cheerful holiday decorations that now seemed naive and optimistic.
They had been surrounding me daily since the holidays because I loved living in the joy of the season, but even the magic of Christmas couldn't fix what was going on.