6. Jack
6
JACK
D r. Chen sat across from me in my tiny office space again for the second time this week. I was continually impressed as we went over the surgical replay. Step by step, she provided me with a breakdown of what we did. She knew it inside and out, as if she'd studied the textbook and memorized the very routine procedure of removing gallstones.
I listened pointedly and praised her when it was appropriate, but I was more interested in studying the sincerity on her face. The genuine passion she had showed through her expression when she got into the discussion. And there was something different about her today. She kept making eye contact with me, hanging on every word I said. I liked it, though it wasn't because it gave me a confidence boost.
I got to look directly into her eyes and see the gold flecks dotting her brown irises. And she spoke with such intensity at times, I found myself being drawn to her, smiling and truly feeling engaged.
"You have so much knowledge, Sophia. How can you be so passionate and confident in the operating theater, then so backward and flustered during rounds and lecture?" My words were a genuine question. As a man who was intrigued by and even slightly attracted to her, I just wanted to know more about her.
Unfortunately, my question struck a nerve. Her cheeks immediately flushed red and she looked down, biting her lip. I watched the blossom of her personality wilt like a desert flower, and she shrugged. Her shoulders drooped. Her posture shrank back, and I got the feeling she was feeling foolish.
"Hey, I didn't mean that in a negative way. Remember, I'm here to help you build that confidence up so you can have the same bold and decisive personality at all times. That’s part of my job as a mentor." My fingers itched to reach out and lift her chin up so she'd look at me, which told me I wasn’t just saying these things as a mentor. I was crossing a line by letting myself feel what I was feeling—drawn to her, emotionally invested in her…
When she did look up, it looked like she'd been blinking away tears. "I'm sorry," she told me, but an apology wasn't what I wanted. I was interested in getting to the bottom of this, as a man and as her leader.
"I can't help you get over what's going on if you don't just tell me. I realize this might seem a bit forward since I'm your boss, but I'm here to listen if you think talking would help." I sat back in my chair and quickly regretted it. I wasn't able to lounge backward and relax. My chair was smashed up against the far wall and when I leaned, I bumped my head. I was just glad for a second that she was distracted. I felt like an idiot, trying to be cool and looking like a dummy.
"It's just that my parents are both very honorable doctors. Dad is a cardio-thoracic surgeon. Mom is a well-known obstetrician. My brothers both did their residencies at Cambridge in Boston.” Her lips turned downward into a pout. "We've lived in Denver my whole life. I didn’t want to go out of state for my residency. UC wasn't accepting surgical residents by the time I signed up. They were full, so.”
"So you settled for Twin Peaks and your parents aren't pleased?" I asked, realizing there was so much more than a lack of self-confidence going on. Coming from a family of middle-class working parents, I felt the pressure too. Except mine wasn't to be the best to keep the family tradition alive. My pressure stemmed from being the first college graduate after four generations of coal miners and garbage men.
I changed the course of my family history forever, and my gut told me Dr. Chen was afraid of doing the same thing, but for opposite reasons.
"I just have to do well. They hate that I took this particular internship because they don't see this hospital as reputable. They want me in Maryland or Massachusetts. They think I can't learn what I need to learn here, and I don't want to move away. I want to prove to them that no matter where I am, I will get the education I need. I can be successful."
The more she spoke, the more I felt my heart becoming invested in her story. I could physically feel the weight she was under trying to prove herself to her parents. Mine would have been happy if I'd have just ended up as a general practitioner or even just a nurse. They'd have been proud because I finished college and did something they couldn't do. I was the golden boy in their eyes.
Sophia had all this legacy to live up to, especially with siblings who were already following that path. And with a name like Chen, I imagined her parents were probably very strict too. Call it a stereotype, but I'd heard that Asian cultures really pushed their children to excel, and for good reason. It produced highly educated and high-performing adults. I just saw the pressure it was putting on her shoulders.
"Then I'll help," I told her, speaking from my heart, not from my brain. I winced inwardly as I realized I was taking on more work at a time my ex was pushing me to back off and be there for Leah. But I couldn’t very well let my student flounder due to family pressure. I pulled a card out of my desk drawer and a pen, then scrawled my personal cell phone number on it. "Here, my personal line. I think we should do more one-on-ones."
Sophia took the card from my hand and looked at it thoughtfully, then narrowed her eyes. "Won't Dr. Briggs be jealous that you're devoting more individual time to my training?" Her tongue flicked over her bottom lip, drawing my gaze away from her eyes, and I smiled at her thoughtful heart.
"I have to say, Dr. Chen, I've never had a student with such promise before. I don't think my offering you extra attention outside of our mandatory schedule will affect anything. Besides, Dr. Briggs is a professional." I looked up as my door swung open without a knock and my first instinct was to feel frustrated by the interruption.
Then I saw the bright green eyes of my baby girl and the broad grin on her face as she waltzed into the tiny space like she owned it. Her red hair had been tied up into pigtails. The designer sweater she wore was stained—evidence that Dana was still making poor choices. Buying a child a three-hundred-dollar sweater made no sense. She could've gotten the thirty-dollar knock-off and when it got stained, it would've been no big deal.
"Daddy!" Leah squeezed past the end of my desk and the door banged into the wall. My attention was focused on her as she wrapped her arms around my neck and kissed me on the cheek with sloppy lips. "I'm coming to your house again. Can we play Candy Land?"
I chuckled and hugged her back, then noticed Dana walk in with a glower on her face. She held Leah's backpack in hand, dangling it from an extended finger that had an inch-long red fingernail. It appeared she was still finding a way to make good use of all my alimony.
"You are late again, for the fourth time this month." Dana glanced at Dr. Chen as Leah stepped back. Her chubby little hand stayed on my shoulder, but she looked up at her mother and seemed intimidated or afraid. Dr. Chen looked down at her lap where she held my card with my number on it. I felt bad for her having to see this interaction.
"We had a surgery run late and we were just doing our debriefing. I should've called." I noticed how Dana wore three-inch spiky-heeled boots and jeans that looked like they were painted on. She had wasted no time diving back into the dating scene after leaving me. It was probably because she had checked out of our relationship long before the divorce was filed.
"You're right. You can't just pick and choose when to be a dad. I had plans tonight, and now I'm not even sure if they're still on." Dana dropped the backpack on the corner of my desk and huffed. She looked down at Dr. Chen and scowled, as if she'd seen that card and didn't approve. Dr. Chen had no reason to hide that from anyone, though I felt an inkling of uneasiness now, knowing Dana saw that Sophia had my personal number. It was for work purposes, but somehow, even that felt inappropriate.
"I have that fundraiser tomorrow, remember?" My chest was tight. I didn't want this to turn into a public meltdown while my intern was watching.
"Christ, Jack. It's your weekend!" She huffed and scowled at me, then crossed her arms over her chest.
"It's only for a few hours." There was no way out of this. I was required to attend the event to raise money for the hospital.
"Fine, then have her back by four Sunday. I have dinner with my parents." Dana turned and walked out the door, leaving it standing wide open, and Lean turned to me with a frown.
"I don't want to go to Nanny's house. She's so mean." Leah draped her arms around me again and rested her chin on my shoulder. Unfortunately, there was very little I could do to help her. Leah had partial custody and her mother was Leah's grandmother.
"I know, baby.” I patted her back and looked up at Dr. Chen, whose face was flushed again. She really had to get over that embarrassment and low self-confidence, but I thought it was sweet that she sat there so awkwardly, fiddling with my card.
"Who's that?" Leah asked innocently.
"That," I told her, holding her at arm's length, "Is Sophia. She's a doctor I work with."
Leah cocked her head and asked, "Does she do surgery too?"
Sophia smiled, and I swore her blush deepened. "Yes, she is very good at it."
Leah walked around my desk and put her hand out like she'd seen me do a million times. It was a drawback to my profession that my little girl had to join me at work at least five times a month. I had virtually no personal time at all, and what little I had was shared with a seven-year-old.
"I'm Leah. My daddy is the best surgery guy ever." I loved my little girl's confidence.
But when Sophia reached out and took her hand and smiled, I found myself swooning a little. Sophia's eyes sparkled as she said, "I know he is. I get to learn everything he teaches me." She shook Leah's hand and then her eyes swept up to meet my gaze. I didn’t know what was happening to me, but I liked it, yet at the same time, I felt like it was wrong.
I shouldn't have been looking at my intern like this, like someone I could see myself falling for. But there I was, admiring how she and my daughter talked about me like I was the most amazing man in the world, and all I could do was try to suppress a stupid grin.
When Sophia stood to leave, I asked, "Are you going to the fundraiser?" I was hopeful. For some reason, I was looking forward to it this year, and if Sophia was going, it would give me a chance to interact with her outside of work, which I told myself was strictly professional, to get an idea of her personality when she wasn’t under pressure.
"Yes, I'm going." She smiled and stood by the door, then said goodbye to Leah. Then she was gone and I was left with only my anticipation of seeing her for that fundraiser. It might prove to be a very good night.