2. Ethan
2
ETHAN
M y hands curled into fists at my sides as I stood next to Lily in the elevator on our way up to the fifth floor where the hospital board awaited us. Our Saturday night rendezvous at my place never happened, much to Lily's chagrin. I put it off because I didn't know what to do. I picked up a few extra shifts and worked the whole weekend, and now I was irritable and exhausted, and even the two cups of coffee I'd had couldn't chase away my Monday morning grumpiness.
"Ethan, I really think we should talk." She reached for the emergency stop button, but we didn't have time. She was right. We should have stopped and talked about this, but I knew there was no amount of talking we could do that would make the situation go away. She was needy and emotional, and in my own frustrated state, I'd been burying myself in work to forget about it.
"We don't have time right now." I gently guided her hand away from the buttons, and she huffed out a sigh.
"We haven't even spoken since Dr. Hayward walked in on us." Her eyes searched my face, and I avoided eye contact. Her green eyes were tired, and I could tell she'd been crying a lot this weekend. Probably because I had ignored all of her calls and texts.
"What's there to talk about? One or both of us will be fired. We can talk when we know what the board will decide." We'd both gotten the call yesterday afternoon that this meeting was happening and we were required to attend. News traveled fast here at St. Anne's, and Jack Hayward made sure it went straight to the top. That man had absolutely no sense of compassion.
"You don't want to ask me how I’m feeling?" Lily's pleading tone gutted me, but if I broke down right here and now and started talking about either of our feelings, it would open a huge can of worms for us. They'd read it on our faces when we walked in. It was better that we were slightly at odds right now. It would sell my story to the board much more easily.
"When the meeting is over, okay?" I snapped, not intending to come across as angry with her, but it silenced her clinginess and the elevator came to a stop. The doors slid open, and I led the way toward the board room. Lily lagged behind by a few steps, further selling what I'd be telling the board. I hated that I had disappointed her even a little, but it was better this way. At least one of us could keep our job, and it would probably be me. I could help her, support her as she looked for a new place to finish her residency.
She remained silent as we walked into the board room and stood at the end of the large oval table. The board chair, Allen Knobs, stood and scowled at both of us as he buttoned his coat. The other board members remained seated, and Lily ran a hand through her chestnut hair nervously.
"Dr. Matthews, Dr. Carter, thank you for joining us." Somehow, I got the feeling he wasn't thankful at all. His tone was disapproving and gruff. "As you both know, there have been some serious accusations brought against you by one of your colleagues." I hated the way he looked down his nose at us, like he was better than us and had never made a mistake in his life.
"Yes, sir," Lily mumbled, and I wished she'd just let me do the talking. I glanced at her and glowered, but her tight-lipped expression was focused on Allen.
"We can just make this short and sweet if you want." Allen's forehead was furrowed, deep crevices stretching parallel to his eyebrows. His balding head shone under the fluorescent lights reflecting the white-blue glow. I didn’t know what he meant by short and sweet, but it didn't sound good.
"Sir, if you let me explain?—"
"Explain? Dr. Matthews, you were found in the doctors’ on-call room with Dr. Carter who was in a very inappropriate state of undress, and you yourself were half naked. There is little left for the imagination. I have only one question." Allen's glare locked on my face. "Did you have sex with Dr. Carter Friday evening in the doctors’ on-call room?"
He wasn't making it easy for me at all. I had an entire speech planned out to explain how this was a random one-time thing that would never happen again. Of course, that was utter bullshit considering we'd been dating seriously for more than six months with a few months of a fling before that. Lily and I were headed toward a real relationship. We just had to navigate the red tape of hospital policy first.
"Sir, it was a mistake."
I heard Lily suck in a breath and almost audibly scoff, which would only destroy my chance at selling this.
"Dr. Carter and I are only human. We got carried away. It won't happen again?—"
"You're damn right it won't happen again." Allen shook his head and continued. "We have rules for a reason, Dr. Matthews, and I don't take kindly to men who think they're above them. What you did is unthinkable. Sex on hospital property while you're on the clock, with a subordinate, no less? Do you realize the egregious misuse of hospital time and resources you're guilty of?"
"Allen, please, I?—"
"That's Dr. Knobs. I'll thank you to keep this meeting professional, which is something you seem to have a difficult time doing. Now, I want to know how long this has been going on. Because I can't fathom a man of your stature with your career on the line would make such an obvious mistake." He waited, staring at me, and I had only one response.
"I told you. It was a mistake." I squared my shoulders and awaited my punishment, praying for Lily's sake that it wasn't that bad. There were loopholes in the policy that allowed the board room for leniency, but I didn’t think we'd get any, judging by the expression on Allen's face.
"Well, your mistake has cost you." He sat back down and unbuttoned his jacket as he did so. Then he picked up a manilla file folder from the table in front of him and opened it. The thick gray mustache resting on his upper lip twitched as he read from the file. "Dr. Matthews, you are on probation. You will report directly to Dr. Hastings in all matters. She will oversee your practice for the next six months. Your pay will be docked twenty percent for the duration of your probation, and any further infraction will be grounds for termination."
So they weren't going for the jugular, at least not with me. But I knew Lily was vulnerable. Being a resident, she was held to the highest standard. The hospital wouldn't employ doctors who couldn't follow rules, and most of them were weeded out during residency to avoid more problems when they had larger salaries and practices.
"Dr. Carter, you're fired." Allen slid his glasses down the bridge of his nose and looked at Lily over them. I had to force myself not to look, especially when she started crying. "You might think long and hard about your life choices before signing up for a residency anywhere else. What you do in your formative years of medicine follows you the rest of your career. You can't afford to make poor choices like the one you made with Dr. Matthews. You're dismissed—both of you."
Lily turned abruptly and walked out, and I followed on her heels. With her being terminated, we'd be free to pursue our relationship now without the struggle, though I didn’t know where she'd get a job now. I wasn't celebrating that, though, because I knew how difficult it would be for her and what this would mean for her career going forward.
When we were back in the hallway, I reached for her hand and she yanked it away. "Don't touch me." Lily sobbed and covered her mouth as she walked right up to a trash can and threw up. It was hard watching her hurt so desperately. I held her hair back for her through the worst of it, and she smacked my hand away when she took a breath. "I said don't touch me."
A nurse pushed her med cart past us and gave me an odd look, but I didn't care. Right now, Lily was the only thing that mattered.
"Listen, I'm here. We can talk now." My chest was tight and my mind was racing. She'd been upset with me before, but never like this. Never upset enough to push me away.
"Talk now? You mean after you called me a mistake?" She straightened and swiped across her face with the sleeve of her lab coat before tearing it off and throwing it in the trash can, covering her vomit.
"Please… Lily, a one-time thing doesn't look as bad to the board. If we'd been honest about?—"
"If we'd been honest, I'd have said I was in love with you and that I wanted a family with you. I wouldn't have called you a mistake." She turned and stormed up the hall, and I chased after her.
"Could you please listen to me?" I grabbed her hand, and she spun around and with her other hand, she smacked me hard across the face.
Her entire body shook with anger and emotion. "Was it ever real, Ethan? Did you really mean it when you said you loved me, or was that a mistake too?" The rage in her tone coupled with the pain in her eyes had me speechless. I fumbled for words, uttering unintelligible words until she was in the elevator on her way down to the ground floor.
I stood there staring at the closed elevator doors wondering what the heck just happened. We were so happy last week, so in love. I was going to ask her to move in with me and eventually to be my wife, and now it felt like I was losing her entirely. I pressed the elevator call button furiously, hoping to catch the next box down, but the light stayed lit, the elevator doors shut.
So I ran. Nurses looked at me oddly, and one orderly with a mop bucket cursed at me as I raced past, but I ran to the stairwell and downward. I had to catch her before she left. I didn’t want her driving home on icy roads as angry as she was. Denver was a bear in winter, and she wasn't thinking clearly right now.
I'd been a fool. I'd used my own anger at the situation as a barrier between me and my emotions, and Lily had been the one to pay for it. I hated myself for that. But by the time I got down to the ground floor and back to the main entrance, I saw her tail lights as her car pulled out of the parking lot. She was really angry this time. I'd really done it. I stood there watching the red of her taillights fade into the bleakness of a gloomy winter morning, wishing there were a way for me to undo what had been done. I only prayed that when I called her, she would answer.