18. Rose
18
ROSE
M y stomach turned just at the scent of the food as I passed by the cafeteria enroute to the exit door. Cole was supposed to meet me for lunch, but he left me a voicemail telling me he had a meeting. So I ate alone, then I threw up everything I ate. I'd been sick for a few days now, unable to keep anything down, and Pat told me there was a flu bug going around.
I had other fears.
Cole and I had unprotected sex in his car that night, and while there really was every chance my nausea was just the common flu, there was also a very high chance it was something more serious. Something that would end up changing my life forever.
I'd been avoiding taking a test because I just didn't want to ruin this honeymoon phase Cole and I were going through. We'd spent every night together since coming home from Kansas City, and I was supposed to go there again tonight, but his ditching me at lunch upset me. Maybe I shouldn't have been so upset, but I'd been feeling irritable anyway and overly emotional about things—another reason to be worried about an unplanned pregnancy.
I checked my phone but hadn't gotten a text or call from him. I wasn't sure what to do, so I headed out the door through the outdoor break area where a bunch of doctors and nurses were huddled, talking. Cole was there too, seated by himself with a paper cup full of what I assumed was coffee, staring out across the hospital campus. He had a scowl on his face and was brooding over something, so I approached cautiously.
Not only were there people everywhere, but he just looked like he didn't want anyone to talk to him. I wasn't as deterred by his mood as I was by the fact that he stood me up, but I wanted to try to keep an open mind and be patient with him. I knew before our trip that he was dealing with something, but he never did offer an explanation and I never pressed him for answers.
"Hey," I said casually, flicking a gaze at the people surrounding us. It wasn't unheard of for me to speak to him, but no one knew we had an actual relationship. For both of our sakes, we had to keep it that way. We really should have been discussing going to HR to report it and follow proper protocol, but when I even dared to bring it up, Cole was adamant that no one should know yet.
He wasn’t ashamed of me. He was worried about something. I could read it in his expression, which was why I never brought it up.
"Hi," he said, and his gravelly voice made me wince.
"Is everything okay?" I asked, trying to read his expression, but people were watching me. I kept my distance and a professional look on my face, and he never looked up at me. "I just noticed you sitting here by yourself looking down." I added that to make it seem like this was nothing more than a coworker reaching out to another coworker. My ruse may have fooled others, but it felt so wrong. I wanted to sit down beside him and put my arms around his shoulders.
"Just have to work late. It'll be a late night," he said, and he avoided eye contact. My chest clenched at his words. I didn't know if he was being serious about that or if he was trying to send a message that I shouldn't come to his house tonight. The shock of hearing it almost brought tears to my eyes, though, especially after having worried about why I'd been so sick all day.
"Yeah, that sucks," I mumbled. "Well, I hope tomorrow is a better day for you." I backed away without a response from him and turned my back. My trip home would be sad because the only things I had to look forward to were more of Alana's lectures now.
My head hung as I walked to my car. My phone buzzed, and I figured it was a text from Cole, but I didn’t look at it until I was seated in the car and the engine was running. It was nothing more than the words, I'm sorry . He added a sad emoji, but he hadn't explained what was going on.
I sent him a question mark in response and headed out. My heart was heavy with worry. I knew based on the interaction we'd had for days now that if it was something I'd done, he would have told me. This was something to do with work, or maybe a wave of grief over his ex-wife. Whatever it was, he would tell me eventually, and I'd be there for him. It just sucked for me in the meantime because I was really looking forward to being with him.
I sighed and dealt with the rush hour traffic, and when I got stuck downtown halfway home, I spotted a pharmacy and an open parking spot on the street. The longer I sat waiting for traffic to move, the more my anxiety needled at my conscience. I ended up pulling into the spot and going into the pharmacy. I bought two tests for good measure and then headed back out.
At home, I was alone. Alana wasn't home from her shift yet, so I slipped into the bathroom with the need to relieve my bladder anyway. I pulled out the tests and peed on both wands, then cleaned up and sat on the edge of the tub waiting.
My mind mulled over the possibility that I might be pregnant, and while it came with so many negative things that might happen, it also made my heart feel slightly happy and alive. The idea of having Cole's baby made me feel full of joy. But the fear of how he'd take it or what it would do to my career also gnawed at me.
Cole and I were so good together, but we really hadn't discussed anything long-term. We were letting things progress at their own pace, which meant we hadn't had any serious discussion about anything yet, not even parenthood or what would happen if I got pregnant. We'd been using protection, but Cole knew that first time did happen. I was drunk and we neither one thought to do the right thing. Surely, he would understand this was a possibility.
When I felt like I'd tortured myself for long enough, I reached for the tests. My hands shook as I picked them up and read them both. Double pink lines on both tests meant only one thing. I was definitely pregnant. It was definitely Cole's baby. And I was about to have to give him the shock of his life, right in the middle of whatever it was he was going through.
Tears welled up in my eyes because I knew what this meant. Inevitably, we would be forced to divulge the relationship to HR, and that meant one of us risked being fired—or both. I couldn't afford to go somewhere else right now, and I didn't even know if he wanted kids. This might be the one thing he never wanted and he'd end up breaking it off with me.
It was that fear swarming my thoughts when the bathroom door burst open and Alana stood there in the doorway gawking at me.
"Oh, sorry, I didn't know you were in… Is that a pregnancy test?" she asked before stalking forward. She snatched one of the tests from my hand and gasped, and I hung my head. "Oh, my God, Rose!" I heard the tone before I saw her face, and I blinked out a few tears. "How could you let this happen? I told you to be careful. Why weren't you safe?"
I knew those questions were because she feared me losing my job, but they were insulting. She had looked for a roommate for a long time before me, and I came in as her savior. I never did any of this to screw with her, but it seemed like she thought that was my intention. I could only hang my head and cry.
I was letting everyone down. When I told my mother, she would freak out. Alana was freaking out. Cole was going through something freaking out, and just for a moment, I wanted someone to notice that I was freaking out too. This wasn't in my plan. I never wanted to have a baby this young, but this was my reality.
Alana stood there breathing heavily and staring at me, but I couldn’t make eye contact. All I could do was stare at my feet and cry. When I swiped the tears away, I felt her push some toilet paper into my hand and I finally looked up at her. She closed the lid of the toilet and sat down and sighed, and I saw compassion in her eyes.
"I'm sorry. I'm here." She pulled me into her arms and hugged me, and I just kept crying. I wanted things between Cole and me to be perfect, and as much as I loved the idea of having his baby, it also terrified me. What if this destroyed us instead of bringing us together?
"Hey, shh," she soothed, rubbing my back. "It's going to be okay. We're going to figure it out…"
I didn't know exactly how to take this sudden shift from her, but it was comforting, nonetheless. I let her rock me back and forth, and I took several deep breaths before sitting up straight and blowing my nose.
I had no one to blame but myself, so I had to put on my big girl pants and deal with this. Angry or not, I had to tell Cole the truth, and I had to face my mother's disappointment.
"I'm going to hear it from my mother, Alana. I just need a friend right now, not another authority." I sighed and squeezed her hand, and she nodded.
"Got it… No lectures from me. And I'm sorry for being so hard on you, okay? I'm here." She squeezed my hand back, and I met her gaze. Right now, a friend was exactly what I needed, and I was thankful for having her beside me. This was going to be a bumpy road.