CHAPTER 19
C HAPTER 19
T HREE DAYS into the al-Hatan Desert east of Kastari and Seth was reminded how lucky he’d been to have Raider guide him across the Kesh. But Raider had never ventured into the al-Hatan and neither had anyone else in this party. So Seth studied the map. He had to do it while he had the chance. A storm was coming. The usually clear sky looked bruised and angry.
Most cities of the Golden Empire were located along the Burudu River, on the coastline, or in the mountains to the north. In the middle of all that, the al-Hatan was a vast, dusty stretch of hard pack and sand that, somewhere, became djinn territory.
Back in the arcane palanquin, Seth had a whole satchel full of books, maps, and notes, but right now he only needed this one. It looked accurate, showing the thread of a dry riverbed down in the gully below. From Seth’s position on a high ridge, he could also see a pale smudge in the distance to the southeast. He reached for the arcane scope on his utility belt, intending to confirm whether that was the temple ruins noted on the map, when he heard movement on the slope behind him.
Seth turned to see Raider trudging up the rocky incline. A little farther down the slope was the palanquin that Seth had driven up here, but Raider had walked all the way from the plain below, where a dozen more palanquins looked like rounded tents.
Seth had never seen anything like these arcane conveyances, not even in Masir. The body looked like a wagon with a driver’s bench and a bed behind. A tent-like frame supported a bulbous cover of black arcane cloth that was open in the front. Smaller versions of such structures were often carried by camels or even by groups of humans, basically a covered litter. But it was the undercarriage of the palanquins that was truly a marvel. They needed no animal to bear them because they had mechanical legs able to stride across the desert and even climb rocky terrain.
Seth loved them. They were so much comfortable than riding a horse or camel. Plus they could carry more.
Raider, however, clearly didn’t like them. He’d spent most of the past three days walking. Of course, that might have been his way of avoiding Seth.
Things had been off between them ever since Seth had walked through the Blue Gate to meet Raider that last day in Kastari. They’d eaten dinner in the common room that night on the excuse of listening to the traveling musicians. That had made it easy to not talk. After, they had fucked. It had felt good, of course, but … it hadn’t been the same. It hadn’t been right. And they hadn’t fucked again since.
All of it was Seth’s fault. He was well aware of that. But he couldn’t help that he was still reeling from Julian’s shocking revelation. Because if Raider wasn’t human, what the hell was he?
Maybe Seth should have suspected it. The way Raider’s body healed so fast. The way his right eye flashed gold. Seth had assumed that eye was arcane, like the left one, but maybe it wasn’t.
Seth understood that it was hard for Raider to talk about the past, and not just his time with Kahzir. Raider had been on the streets at the age of ten. Obviously, something had happened. Something bad.
Seth wasn’t upset with Raider for not telling him. He was just upset in general. Frustrated. There were so many barriers with Raider.
But …
Seth’s real problem was that he felt guilty. Raider had asked him not to read Kahzir’s book. While Seth felt hurt by that—he tried to pretend he didn’t, but he did—it was Raider’s decision. Seth had violated his trust by letting Julian tell him anything that was in that book.
So Seth knew he was in the wrong. He wasn’t sure how his behavior toward Raider had changed, but Raider had obviously sensed it. And withdrawn.
But here he was climbing toward Seth, and some of the tightness eased from Seth’s chest.
Raider’s sandaled feet moved from rock to rock with the nimbleness of a cat. He really was amazing to watch, even in such a simple action as trekking up a slope. His gold-trimmed kaftan of red silk was open, exposing a sliver of his torso and a glimpse of his violet sash and shalvar pants of teal silk. How had Seth ever thought Raider’s colorful clothes were obnoxious? They were beautiful. He was beautiful.
As Raider reached the peak, his amber eyes flicked to Seth then out across the darkening landscape. He said, “It’s about to rain.”
“Mm,” Seth agreed vaguely, unable to look away as quickly as Raider had. He drank in the sight of Raider’s striking face with its gorgeous planes and angles, the prominent cheekbones and hollow cheeks. He had his dark red kaffiyeh thrown back from his head. His wavy dark hair was curling against it at his nape, tempting Seth’s fingers.
Seth managed to draw his eyes away. He opened the map again, staring at the dark lines. What was he checking? Oh, yeah. The pale smudge.
As Seth snagged his arcane scope from his utility belt, Raider pointed to the pale smudge and said, “There’s some kind of collapsed building there.”
“Ah. That’s what I was hoping.”
Seth slid the scope back into place. He didn’t need to double check Raider. That eye was as good as the scope. It was remarkable. So precise. So smoothly integrated. But Raider never got a break from it. He couldn’t put it away like the scope.
Seth folded the map, stuck it in the back of his pants, and took out his compass. He studied it and the landscape, finding the best intersection between their general direction and the terrain.
Raider was scanning the horizon. He said, “It’s already raining to the north. We should cross this gully before it fills with water.”
“Or wait, so we’re not in the middle of it when water comes rushing through.”
Raider flashed him a grin. “So cautious.”
Seth’s breath caught. Gods, this man was beautiful. Inhumanly beautiful?
That grin faltered at whatever showed in Seth’s face. He really was shit at concealing his emotions.
More seriously, Raider said, “We could be stuck on this side for a day or more. I think we should go.”
Stowing his compass, Seth said, “All right. Let’s rejoin the group. Ride with me?”
“Yeah, okay.”
Raindrops started to plop on their heads as they hiked down to the palanquin. Seth slid onto the padded bench on the driver’s side. Raider slid in on the other side.
As a reflex, Seth checked on his sword and chakram, which were wedged in with other gear and barrels of water in the back. One disadvantage of the vehicle was that he couldn’t wear the large weapons while sitting in it. But he had them positioned for easy access, and he also had his knife at his thigh, plus the multi tool.
Seth flipped the switch to start up the arcane engine. It hummed to life under their feet, muted by the wood paneling of the floor and the insulation of the engine housing. The palanquin was pretty damn quiet, nothing like the roaring boat they’d driven along the Burudu. The console’s sleek design had only a few well-designed levers and gauges. Seth engaged one to lift the vehicle. As the palanquin rose smoothly, Seth took hold of the steering yoke’s handles.
“You love this thing.”
At Raider’s comment, Seth looked over at him. He had a hand wrapped around a rib of the frame that held up the heavy black canopy. His eyes were warm.
Something in Seth opened at the sight of that. “I do.”
“You loved the boat too.”
“You also liked the boat,” Seth reminded him.
“I liked your aggressive driving style.”
“Figures.” Seth smiled. “The palanquin wasn’t built for that kind of speed, unfortunately.”
It lumbered down the rocky slope, jostling Seth and Raider from side to side. Their knees bumped together. Rain was starting to drum on the canopy and plink onto the palanquin’s short nose. The hard pack was getting speckled with dark spots.
As they reached the plain, the other palanquins lifted. Nasrin, with another of the Hammer on the bench beside her, drove over to meet them.
“Do we cross?” she shouted over the plunking rain.
“Lead the way!” Seth shouted back. “We’ll bring up the rear!”
Her momentary hesitation confirmed Seth’s suspicions. She didn’t quite trust him. She expected him to try to vanish. She was here to make sure he didn’t.
But then she nodded and drove past him, the metal legs of her palanquin folding and striding like a chicken’s. (After Raider had made the comparison the other day, Seth couldn’t think of them any other way.)
Seth watched the palanquins file past him, each one carrying two people. They were mostly armored members of the Hammer, but there were a few black-robed arcanists among them. Seth had been careful to meet everyone. The one that made Seth wary was Fadesh. That might have been because the arcanist had been involved in his interrogation in Zarina’s dungeon, but Seth didn’t like the way the arcanist kept to himself.
Out of habit, Seth looked for him now but didn’t spot his face. He must be the one with his black hood up.
Seth steered his palanquin into line at the back of the caravan as they angled toward the easiest slope down into the gully. It was pouring now, with rain driving into the open front of the palanquin, soaking Seth and Raider. The ground was softening.
“Shit,” Seth muttered as he maneuvered the palanquin into the gully. The formerly dry bed was rapidly filling with water as it spilled down from the north. He could now discern a rushing sound that he hadn’t previously picked out over the rain.
By the time they reached the heart of the gully, the water was almost to the floorboards. Ahead, the other palanquins were struggling to climb out of the water and up the slick bank.
As water rushed over Seth’s feet, he shifted gears, making the palanquin crouch. “Hang on!” he shouted, hoping Raider heard him, and gave it full power. The palanquin jumped from the water. Its clawed feet clutched at the rocky slope. From the corner of his eye, Seth could see that he hadn’t lost Raider, so he quickly repeated the maneuver and jumped the palanquin onto the ledge.
He looked at Raider to make sure he was okay and found that not only was Raider very much okay, he looked absolutely thrilled. His eyes were dancing with delight, and the grin on his face was everything Seth wanted to see in the world.
“Again!” Raider shouted, laughing.
Seth laughed. “Once will have to be enough!” he shouted back.
“Once is never enough!”
Seth still felt himself smiling, but something else edged in with it. Once never was enough for Raider, and Seth loved that about him. And yet, they hadn’t fucked for three days, had barely even kissed. There was distance between them.
Seth had to fix this.
He turned the palanquin to make sure that everyone had gotten out of the gully, then he drove to higher ground, seeking a secure spot to wait out the rain. Usually, the caravan clustered when stopping, but they were spread out now, each finding their own bit of firm ground.
Seth parked the palanquin on a shelf of rock, letting it settle to the ground. He pulled down the front cover, securing it at the nose to shut out the rain. Then he realized that was maybe a bad idea. Flicking on the console light, he looked over at Raider.
Raider’s grin was gone. His eyes were wide. Seth leaned forward to open the cover. Raider’s hand closed on his arm.
“Leave it,” Raider said. The rain had lulled enough that they didn’t have to shout.
“We’re already wet.”
“Leave it, Seth. I’m okay.”
Seth settled back, watching Raider from the corner of his eye, but the initial panic had faded from his eyes.
Raider started taking off his sodden kaftan. “When did you notice?”
“Your claustrophobia? In the sand serpent tunnels. Actually, as we left the tunnels. You were so damn relieved to get out of that tight space. I put that together with other things.”
“You never said anything. You just started leaving the tent flap up.”
Of course he had. He hated seeing Raider afraid. “Are you sure you’re okay shut in here?”
“I’m with you. I’m okay.”
Gods. How did Raider do that, make Seth so goddamn in love with him every fucking minute?
Seth unclipped his utility belt and laid it on the dash. He pulled the wet map from the back of his pants. He unfolded it and laid it behind the bench atop some gear to dry.
When there was nothing left to fiddle with, Seth settled on the bench. The rain pattered on the canvas and the console light glowed dully, making their closed-in space feel doubly isolated from the rest of the world. It was just Seth and Raider and the tension between them.
Seth said, “I did something.”
From the corner of his eye, he saw Raider’s head turn. “What do you mean?”
Seth made himself look Raider in the eye as he confessed, “I should have told you after it happened, but I knew you’d be angry and … it’s a difficult subject. I told myself it was better to leave it alone. But it wasn’t better. I’ve made things hard between us, and you don’t even know why. That was really shitty of me.”
Raider’s throat moved as he swallowed. “I know something’s wrong. I know you’re unhappy with me.”
“ What? No! Is that what you thought? Fuck, no, Raider. Didn’t you hear what I just said? I did something.”
Raider narrowed his eyes. “With Julian?”
“Yes. No! Not like that! Gods, Raider, how can you think that?”
“Just tell me, Seth!”
Raider looked panicked in a way he hadn’t even when Seth had closed them in. Panicked and angry. Guilt ate at Seth to think how those feelings must have been building in him for three days while they grew distant with each other.
Seth confessed, “I went to Julian to ask him something. About you. I didn’t mean to ask him about the book, but it came up. And … I didn’t stop him from telling me things.”
Raider stared at him. Glared. “ That’s why we haven’t fucked for three days?”
“I shouldn’t have let him tell me anything. You asked me not to read the book. I broke your trust, even if indirectly. It was wrong, and I’m sorry. You have every right to be angry with me.”
“I am angry, Seth—because you are such an over-principled asshole sometimes.”
“I thought you didn’t want me to read the book.”
“I don’t.”
“And now I know some things.”
Raider shook his head, obviously fuming.
“Raider—”
“Fuck you for making me this worried. I thought …” Raider shook his head again. “Never mind.”
“You thought what?” Annoyance snuck into Seth. What the hell did Raider think he would have done? He’d leaped pretty quickly to his with Julian question.
Raider glanced at him then fixed his eyes on the dash. “I thought you didn’t want me. That you were, I don’t know, stepping back.”
Seth stared at him, dumbstruck.
“Stop staring at me.”
Seth kept staring at him. “Why did you think that?”
“I don’t know, Seth! I just did!”
Seth didn’t like that one bit. He wanted an explanation. But this wasn’t meant to be an interrogation of Raider. It was a goddamn apology. He’d have to come back to that another time.
“Look, Raider, the point is, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have talked to Julian. Having done it, though, I should’ve talked to you.”
Raider took a deep breath. “So what did you have to ask him that you couldn’t ask me?”
“I asked him if he thought your quicksilver could be removed.”
Raider froze. That was clearly not what he’d been expecting. After a moment, he asked, “And … what did he say?”
“Well …” Seth stalled. “That was how the book came up. He was explaining …”
“That it can’t be done,” Raider supplied woodenly.
“He’s not an expert on quicksilver,” Seth was quick to argue. “Even he said so. There might be other opinions.”
Raider crossed his arms over his bare abdomen. “It disgusts you. The quicksilver.”
“What the fuck, Raider? No . That’s not why I asked him—”
“I saw how you looked at me in Aqarat. After the sand serpent. After you’d seen—”
“Fucking no . That’s not why I asked him about it. Goddamn it, Raider! I asked because I can’t fucking stand seeing you in pain. I can’t fucking stand that someone did that to you, forced that on you. I can’t fucking stand how badly—”
Seth’s throat seized tight, cutting off his words, cutting off his air. He closed his eyes. He fisted his shaky hands on his thighs and tried to keep them there. He tried to count backwards. But he was so damn angry that he couldn’t breathe.
He was going to have to leave the palanquin. It didn’t matter that it was still raining. It didn’t even matter that walking out of the conversation was shitty. He was going to have to.
Then he felt Raider’s fingers on his fist. No more than that. No force. No demand. Just contact.
Seth’s throat loosened enough that he could drag in a breath. The blood stopped roaring through his veins. Incrementally, he was able to unclench his fist and let Raider’s fingers intertwine with his.
“I’m sorry,” Seth gasped.
“It’s okay.”
They sat in silence for a long moment with the rain pattering on the cover. Everything was wet and uncomfortable. As Seth’s anger cooled, so did his skin. It pebbled with cold as the temperature dropped with the rain.
Stroking his thumb over Raider’s, Seth broke the silence with, “Can I ask you something?”
A wary look passed through Raider’s eyes. His hand twitched in Seth’s. But he said, “Yeah.”
“Why don’t you want me to read that book?” When Raider didn’t answer right away, Seth said, “Other people have read it, and you don’t seem that upset about it—”
Raider’s hand tightened. “I am upset about it, Seth. I don’t like it. I try to ignore it because I can’t do anything about it. And it doesn’t matter as much if they’ve read it because they’ll be gone from my life. But you … I don’t want you to be gone from my life.”
Seth’s heart swelled. They hadn’t talked about the future. It was so uncertain right now, and though Seth knew, absolutely, that whatever his future was, it had to include Raider, they hadn’t discussed what that would mean. And Raider had implied, that day outside Atri’s temple, that Seth should leave him. Though Seth had shut that down, this, now, was actually the first time Raider had said anything clear about wanting a future with Seth.
And yet …
“Why would it matter though?” Seth asked, an alarm tripping at the way Raider had led into that statement. “If I’d read the book?”
“Because …” Raider tried to take his hand back, but Seth clamped onto it. “I don’t want you to see me that way, Seth. I don’t want to see it in your eyes. It’s already bad enough. With the things you know. With the things you’ve seen.”
Seth didn’t like that. “Raider …”
“It would be worse if you read the book. There are things in there …” Raider tugged his hand again. This time, Seth let him go and let Raider cover his face. “I don’t want them to be what you see when you look at me. And I don’t want to see myself that way when I look in your eyes. Do you understand?”
In a way, Seth did understand that. Raider had spent ten years pretending that nothing had happened to him. He’d pushed it all away so strongly that he’d pretended to remember nothing at all of his life.
The problem was … that didn’t work. Raider’s nightmares were proof enough of that.
Seth said, “There’s nothing I could learn about you that would change what you are in my eyes.”
Raider’s hands dropped from his face, but Seth could see that he didn’t understand.
“Raider, what I see when I look at you is someone too fucking beautiful for this world, and I don’t just mean because you’re the most gorgeous man I’ve ever seen. I mean because you have the most beautiful heart I’ve ever known. You’re kind. You’re generous. You’re fun . You’re so fucking brave you give me a goddamn heart attack at least once a week. Those are the things I see when I see you.”
Raider swallowed hard. Seth could see that those words had reached him, and yet he looked away. He said, “But you’ve seen other things too.”
“I’ve seen your pain, yes. I’ve seen your suffering. Why can’t I?”
“Because … it makes them real.”
“Oh, baby. They are real. You know they are. But so are the other things.”
Raider closed his eyes and took a shaky breath.
Seth said, “I understand that there will probably always be moments when it’s hard for you to look at me and know that I know what happened to you. But those moments will come whether you’re looking at me or not. And I’d rather you be looking at me, that you be with me , at times like that than be alone. Those moments will come and go. But the constant will always be that I absolutely love you.”
“Fuck, Seth,” Raider choked out. He pressed his hands to his eyes again.
“Gods, baby, come here.” Tears spilled from Seth’s eyes as he tugged Raider close. Raider opened to him, wrapping his arms around Seth and burying his face against Seth’s shoulder.
“I love you, Seth. I need you.”
More tears spilled from Seth’s eyes. “I love you too, baby—gods, you don’t know how much. And I need you too. I’ve been dead inside without you.”
When Raider lifted his head and started kissing him, Seth returned the kiss and fingered Raider’s wet hair, but he kept careful control himself. It had been a difficult conversation. He wasn’t sure what Raider needed right now.
Raider started unbuckling his vest. He nipped at Seth’s chest. Seth grunted. His hips lifted of their own accord. “Raider …”
“I need you, Seth. Inside me. Though I don’t know how we can fit—”
Seth pulled Raider’s legs up onto the bench and hit the lever that laid the bench out flat, creating what was meant to be a sleeping platform.
Raider, who hadn’t spent any nights in the palanquin, looked startled. When Seth chuckled, Raider shook his head. “You and your damn toys.”
“See what you’ve been missing?”
Raider settled back, lying flat, and worked on the remaining buckles of Seth’s vest. “The only thing I’ve been missing is you.”
Seth shrugged out of his vest and flung it somewhere. He bent to crush his lips to Raider’s. Raider pressed up into the kiss, returning it with equal hunger and desperation. Their tongues lashed and stroked.
Seth tugged at the wet length of Raider’s sash. Raider knocked his hand aside and unwound it himself. While he was busy, Seth ran his thumb up the underside of Raider’s cock, perfectly outlined by the clinging silk of his pants.
Raider arched at the touch and scrambled to untie his drawstring. “Get the oil. Fuck me. Make me come.”
Now Seth was the one scrambling. He crawled halfway over Raider to reach into his pack. After locating the bottle of oil, he settled back—and growled at the sight of Raider’s bare cock. It stood up stiff and thick, jutting high. Veins threaded the underside and the tip flared out. His sac was swollen at the base.
Fuck, it satisfied Seth to see Raider want him like that. Need him like that.
As Seth took that perfect length in hand, loving the heat and hardness, Raider tore at the laces of Seth’s pants. Seth’s cock sprang out, heavy and stiff. Raider grabbed it, eliciting a grunt from Seth.
“Now,” Raider demanded. “Oil this and put it in me now.”
“Fuck,” Seth groaned as the demand sent a heavy pulse through his body, making his hips jerk forward, shoving his cock through Raider’s fist. He hurriedly poured some oil into his hand, recapped the bottle, and slicked his cock. Raider’s hand didn’t leave him, and Seth watched as they both worked his hard length, readying him for what they both so desperately needed.
Raider took his hand away and gripped his own cock. He rolled partway over, presenting his gorgeous ass with clear demand. Seth dragged the laces of his pants under his balls but didn’t bother getting any further unclothed. He laid himself out behind Raider and got him in a full-body grip. Setting the head of his cock against Raider’s hole, he pressed into the tight ring of muscle, moaning as it yielded to him.
Raider trembled and gasped as Seth eased into the tight heat of his channel. When Seth bottomed out, his balls snugged against Raider’s ass, Seth rumbled against the back of his neck, “Fuck your hand while I fuck your ass.”
Raider shuddered, then he cried out as Seth clamped his teeth onto his shoulder and started to fuck him. The cramped space was difficult, forcing Seth to contort Raider’s body to take the pounding.
Needing to get deeper, Seth shoved one of Raider’s legs up. Raider braced his foot on some gear, giving Seth room to slam in hard and deep.
“Fuck, Seth, that’s good,” Raider huffed as Seth pounded him.
“Reach between your legs. Feel my cock fucking you.”
Raider moaned at the words and did as he was told. Seth growled in pleasure at the brush of Raider’s fingertips on his slick, pumping shaft.
“Shit, that’s hot,” Raider murmured, his body jerking with every deep thrust. “Gods, Seth, I love your cock.”
Seth lost himself in the snapping of his hips and the tight, slick heat of Raider’s ass. Raider’s fingers drifted back to his own cock as he started to tighten.
“Come, baby,” Seth told him, pounding harder and faster. “Come for me.”
“Fuck, Seth, I’m gonna—!”
Raider broke off with a cry, thrashing as his orgasm ripped through him. His ass seized hard on Seth’s cock, triggering Seth instantly. His balls tightened and pulsed as his hips snapped forward, shooting his release hard and hot into Raider’s ass.
“Fuck,” Raider moaned, spasming on Seth’s cock. “ Fuck .”
Seth leaned his forehead against Raider’s shoulder as aftershocks worked through his body.
As they both came down from the release, Seth settled behind Raider, holding him, keeping them joined.
He pulled out slowly, making them both moan, and gathered up the cum that spilled from Raider’s hole. He spread it across Raider’s abdomen, swirling it with together with Raider’s cum.
Raider turned over partway, watching him with heavy-lidded eyes. Seth then dragged his slick fingers across his own torso and down to his cock, spreading their combined seed over himself. The rain was too loud now for talking, but the action was clear enough, and Raider’s slight smiled said that he understood Seth’s meaning.
Mine.
Yours.