Chapter 15
Fifteen
H e looked down at Lily’s closed eyes as her body relaxed in his arms. Fuck, she was totally out of it. Gunner could hear the siren from an ambulance getting closer. He pressed his lips to her head. “It’s going to be okay, Lily Kate. You hear me? You’re going to be just fine.”
God, he hoped that was true. Why hadn’t he paid more fucking attention when the doctor was talking about the warning signs he should monitor her for? She’d been so adamant about feeling okay. He should have pressed her harder. He should have called her out and brought her to see a doctor. He would never fucking forgive himself if she wasn’t okay.
“Hey, what’s going on?” Gia stood up from the couch, alarm written all over her face as he sat on the sofa with Lily draped across his lap.
“Lily’s sick. I called an ambulance to take her to the hospital, so I need you to stay here with Sage until we know what’s going on.”
“Oh god.” Gia ran her hand over Lily’s forehead, brushing back some of the hair that had fallen in her face. “Is she, I mean, what do you think is wrong?”
“I’m almost certain it’s postpartum preeclampsia. The doctor gave us a fact sheet about it before she left the hospital. Said to put it on the fridge to remind us of the symptoms, but I still fucking missed it somehow.”
“I didn’t even know you could get that once you had the baby.”
“The way she was talking about her head hurting earlier, I should have known something was wrong. And when I brought her food at dinner, she barely touched it. Told me she was tired, but I’m sure now she was sick and just trying to hide it from me.”
The flashing lights grew brighter until they swallowed up the entire living room as the ambulance pulled into their driveway.
“G, go open the front door and show the paramedics in here, okay?”
Gunner held Lily and did something he hadn’t done since he was overseas. He prayed.
He prayed that this wasn’t the last time he’d get to hold his wife in his arms. He prayed it wasn’t the last time Lily would be in that house. He prayed he wouldn’t have to raise Sage without her mother being there.
“Sir, we need you to bring her over to the gurney. She’s in good hands, I promise.” A female paramedic was crouched down in front of him, already trying to track Lily’s vitals.
“Right.” His strained voice grated in his ears and he struggled to clear the emotion from his throat.
“I’m leaving the truck keys here,” Gunner told Gia after stepping back to let the paramedics check Lily. “She’ll want Sage with us if she has to stay at the hospital, but no sense in waking the baby before we know what’s going on.”
“Her next feeding?” Gia asked .
“It’s been around three. I think Lily pumped some milk and put it in the fridge. If not, formula and bottles are by the sink.”
“Okay, I’ve got it covered. You just let me know what’s going on with Lily and I’ll make sure everything with Sage is okay. I promise.”
“Sir, we need to get to the hospital.” The paramedics had Lily bundled and nearly out the door.
“Go.” Gia squeezed his hand as he turned to follow, praying his wife would walk back through the door with him the next time he went home.
“We’ve given her some anti-hypertensive medication to see if we can get her blood pressure to come down to a normal range. She’s also been started on a magnesium sulfate drip to help prevent seizures. She’ll be on that drip for the next twenty-four hours. In a lot of these cases, the patients are a bit out of sorts, so you’re more than welcome to sit with your wife, but know she may be a bit dizzy, or disoriented while she’s on the magnesium.” The same doctor who delivered Sage now stood at the foot of Lily’s bed trying to explain to Gunner what had happened.
God, he felt so fucking helpless. After the ambulance made it to the hospital, he’d stayed in the waiting room filling out paperwork for Lily’s readmission. By the time he’d made his way through it all, they had her moved back up to the same floor they were on when Sage was born.
“What can I be doing?”
“Hold her hand. Let her know we’ve got things under control and she can rest. Reassure her as best you can. Some patients on magnesium are sensitive to light, so we’ve kept her room lights off and encourage you to do the same. Others can feel dizzy like I mentioned, or really hot from the medication.”
“Sure.” Gunner swallowed roughly. “What caused this?”
“Often, it’s just something completely random that happens. There’s a chance that in future pregnancies, it could happen again, or she could be completely fine. But nothing she did caused it.”
“I missed it, though. I missed the signs.”
“It can happen really fast. I’m sure you did the best you could, and you got her help. Let’s see how things go in the next few hours, but we’re already seeing a positive trend in her vitals.”
“Is our daughter allowed to be here? She’s with my sister right now, but I’d like to have her here with us if it’s possible.”
“Of course. I’ll let the nurse know to bring in a bassinet for her. She’s welcome to be here under your care while we treat your wife. Do you have any other questions for me?”
Gunner shook his head.
“Okay. I’ll be back in a few hours to check in again. For now, like I said, reassurance will go a long way to help.”
He immediately reached for his phone and typed out a quick message to Gia, asking her to bring Sage as soon as visiting hours started.
“Hey, Lil,” Gunner sighed as he sank into the chair next to her bed. He scrubbed his hand down his face, the rough stubble of his beard scratching at his skin. There hadn’t been time since Sage was born to shave it. “Jesus, you scared me bad. You’re not allowed to hide being sick from your husband. Don’t you remember saying in sickness and health ? Stop being so damn stubborn.”
Her hand was warm as he slipped his fingers under hers. She was wearing the silicone band he’d given her at their courthouse wedding, and he absentmindedly ran his thumb across it .
“S-sorry.” Her slurred voice had his eyes jumping to her face.
“Lily? God, how are you feeling?”
“Sick.” Her face pinched and her eyes stayed shut. “It’s burning.”
“I’m so sorry. I should have seen something was wrong.”
“Dizzy.”
“Shh. Just try to rest.”
“Help me.” The whispered plea shredded him.
How? How was he supposed to help her? He had no clue, and he hated that feeling. Gunner placed one hand behind Lily’s shoulders and the other under her knees, lifting her while being cautious of the equipment she was hooked to. He slightly shifted her placement on the bed and climbed on next to her. She turned to him, her hand resting on his chest while her head snuggled into his shoulder.
“Is this okay?”
“Better,” she whispered, “Take care of her if I?—”
“Don’t even say it.” He wrapped his arms tighter around her. “You’re going to be just fine, Lil. And I’m going to take care of the both of you.”
Gunner felt her melt even more into him, and the fear strangling his heart released a fraction of its hold.
“It was nice of Gia to go get my prescription, but I still don’t understand why she had to take Sage with her,” Lily said as Gunner pulled his truck into the driveway. She was so happy to be home, but feeling weirdly dissociated from everything she’d been through since Sage’s birth.
“Because I need to get you settled and make sure you’re doing okay. You heard how excited Gia was for girl time with Sprout. It’s good for Sage to spend time with her before we leave.”
“She’s only a week old, Gunner. She’s not supposed to be out in public.”
“And she won’t be. Gia’s going through the pharmacy drive-thru. You think I really wouldn’t make sure she understood that before I let her take Sage?”
Gunner made his way around the truck and opened her door.
“You don’t always have to get my door for me, you know that, right?” she asked.
“I may not have to do it, but I always will.”
When he reached in to undo her buckle, she grabbed his arm.
“I’m so sorry my health messed up the move.”
“Lily, stop. So it pushed our trip to Texas back a few weeks. I’m okay with that, as long as both my girls are here to go with me. I don’t want to make that trip with just Sage.”
Before she could respond, Gunner had his arms under her legs and behind her back, carrying her up towards the house.
“Put me down,” she squirmed.
“You heard the doctor,” Gunner said, grinning widely. “I’m supposed to take care of you. So stop being so damn stubborn and let me.”
“I’m not being stubborn. It’s good for me to be up and walking around a bit.”
“No can do.”
Lily sighed and tightened her grip on his neck. Butterflies fluttered around in her stomach, which they had absolutely no business doing as Gunner opened the front door and carried her in.
“I guess I should have done this when we got married.”
“Better late than never,” she shrugged. “Besides, you would have thrown out your back trying to carry me when I was that pregnant.”
“I’m not old enough to be throwing my back out,” he grumbled, but she didn’t miss the way he smiled at her.
Lily expected him to drop her off on the couch, but he walked right past the living room and down the hall. Okay, so he was bringing her to her bedroom. She could take a shower and lay down in peace. It was actually really kind of him to think of that.
When he walked past her room, she panicked.
“Where are you bringing me?”
“Into my room.” Sure enough, he turned into his room and she closed her eyes in frustration.
“Gunner, no. I have to be with Sage. She’s too young to stay in a room by herself, and I don’t want to intrude on your space.”
He set her down on his bed and pointed to the wall next to his dresser. Sure enough, Sage’s bassinet was in there, too.
“See. She’s in here with us. You know what the doctor said, Lil. It could take a while for you to feel stable on your new meds. I have to be nearby in case something happens. Please say this is okay?”
She knew he had been traumatized from her time in the hospital, and she should understand his nervousness, but she worried about her heart becoming attached to all the sweet support he was giving her.
“The doctor also said my body was responding well to my medications and that because we now understood what to look for, we’d be on top of anything that could be happening.”
He sat down next to her, pulling her hands into his. “I cannot lay awake every night worried that you are in the room next door sick and being too stubborn to tell me. I can’t find you like that again, Lily.”
She heard the pain in his voice and squeezed his hands reassuringly. Despite knowing it was the worst decision for keeping her heart safe, she relented. “It’s okay. Sage and I will stay here with you.”
“Thank you.”
“Before Gia gets home, I think I’d like to take a shower.”
“Okay.” He stood, holding his hand out for her to take.
“What are you doing?” she asked.
“I’m going to help you take a shower.”
Her mouth fell open. No. Staying in his room, in the same bed, was dangerous, but showering with him? No. There was no way she was about to let Gunner into that bathroom with her. She’d rather wilt away in her sweaty clothes for the rest of forever than have him possibly see her in the sorry state she was in. “No, you are not.”
“Yes, I am,” he growled, and she couldn’t help but roll her eyes.
“Stubborn man.”
“You can call me names all day long, sweetheart, but I’m going in that room with you.”
“Gunner, I really appreciate all the help, but there is no way the first and only time you ever see me fully naked is when I’m bleeding all over the place, smell like a ripe pile of trash, and look like a deflating balloon. No.”
“First? Yes. Only? That remains to be seen,” he smiled. “In sickness and health, Lil, remember? So we have to face sickness first. That’s just the way the cards got dealt. But let me help you, so we can get to the healthy part faster.”
“You could just wait outside the bathroom,” she whined.
“What if you feel weak? Or pass out? Or you feel nauseous and get sick? I want to be right there to help you.”
“You can do that from outside the bathroom. I’ll leave the doors unlocked just in case, but I promise, besides being tired and just wanting to stay in bed with Sage all day, I’m fine.”
Gunner’s hand landed on her cheek, and his thumb stroked over her skin. “Please, let me be in the room with you. I’m worried.”
Heat settled deep in her belly. Damn the handsome man.
“Fine. You can drag that chair in from your desk and sit outside the shower. I’m trusting you to be a complete gentleman and keep your eyes closed.”
“Scout’s honor,” he smiled as he held up his hand.
“Shouldn’t it be SEAL’s honor?”
“I don’t know. If it was, I have a feeling I’d definitely look.”
“Gunner…”
Holding his hands up by his face, he moved two steps back from her. “I’m just joking. I promise I won’t look at you. I just want to be there in case you need me.”
The warm water of the shower cascaded through her hair, over her shoulders, and down to her toes. Gunner was true to his word, and let her get undressed all on her own. She even checked multiple times that his eyes were still closed, and as far as she could tell, they were.
As much as she wanted the shower to bring some sort of comforting peace, she instead felt an overwhelming tidal wave of emotions slam into her. The weight of trying to be strong, of trying to push her worry from her stay in the hospital down all became too much. Her body didn’t feel like her own. Everything felt so distant and out of her control. Lily tried to remember that she was fine. Sage was thriving, so who cared if she had the scariest time over the last few days, wondering if she was even going to be around to watch her daughter grow up?
No. She was being dramatic. Lily bit the inside of her cheek so hard she tasted the metallic tang of blood. She could not fall apart. She wouldn’t. Not with Gunner sitting a mere three feet away from her with only a thin shower curtain between them. He had been a rock the whole time, and she could be too.
Lily let the water pour over her as she grabbed Gunner’s shampoo and worked it into her hair. His woodsy scent wrapped itself around her body. It made her feel safe, and that wasn’t what she needed. No, she needed the cold. She needed the bitter bite of loneliness to push the pain and fear and sadness away. Lily turned the knob as far in the cold direction as it would allow, and the icy sting of the frigid water tearing into her skin made her head feel more clear than it had since she gave birth to Sage.
The washcloth she’d grabbed after rinsing the shampoo from her hair fell to the ground and with it, Lily let out the sob that had been burning in her chest. She shoved her hands quickly over her mouth as she sank down the tiled wall. Her body shook while she tried her hardest to muffle the sound.
Gunner’s chair scraped across the floor, and she felt the shower curtain flutter from his movement, but didn’t have the courage to look up at him.
“Lily?” Concern filled his voice, but instead of answering him with words, more sobs broke free. Lily wrapped her arms around her legs, burying her head into the space between her chest and her arms. The curtain pulled open, and the frozen clarity from the water falling over her faded away. It made her want to curl into herself even further.
A fluffy towel wrapped around her body and when she finally looked up, Gunner was crouched next to her, running his hand up and down her back.
“Jesus, Lily. You’re freezing. Why did you do that to yourself?”
“I-I’m sorry. I don’t know why. I’m fine. I shouldn’t be crying. I didn’t want to cry.”
“It’s been a hell of a week, Lil. Don’t apologize for feeling the weight of what you went through. ”
“Thanks,” she sniffled.
“You ready to get out of here?”
She nodded. “If you just give me a second…Gunner!!”
Before she could stand on her own, Gunner swept her up into his arms and stood, walking them out of the bathroom and back into his bedroom.
“I’m going to bleed all over your bed.” Her face flamed with embarrassment as he set her down. “I had all my stuff set out in the bathroom.”
“I don’t give a fuck about my bed, Lil. I’ll get your stuff and help you get dressed.”
“You can’t see?—”
“Quit that right now. I’m not looking at your body to judge you. I just want to help.”
Gunner was in and out of the bathroom in five seconds, and true to his word, he helped her get dressed without taking his eyes off the ground.
His arms wrapped around her as he helped her sit in bed, with her back resting against the headboard. Lily closed her eyes, ready to sleep until Gia and Sage came home. The bed dipped next to her, and she felt Gunner tuck her against his chest.
“You don’t need to stay in here with me,” she whispered.
“Yes, I do.” His voice was rough with emotion and as her eyes opened, she was surprised to see how he was studying her face.
“I’m okay, Gunner. I’ll be okay.”
“Damn straight you will be, Lil.” He pressed his lips to the top of her head and she closed her eyes once more, giving in to the tiredness while wrapped in the safety of her husband’s arms.