Chapter 15
Fifteen
“I had to stay in the hospital for days after Kimi found me. I don’t even remember how many, really. But when she told me the plan to change my identity and leave, I knew I had to. That’s how I ended up here.”
Gage squeezed Sloane’s hand. He couldn’t believe how strong she had been over the last twenty-four hours. Sitting down with the team, rehashing everything she’d gone over with him the night before, it gutted Gage. But it needed to be done. He watched as each of his teammates sat in silence, completely placing all of their attention on Sloane. But the way each of them fidgeted, the way their eyes moved to his and back onto Sloane let him know they weren’t just passively hearing her story. No. They were coming up with a plan just like he had.
“Thank you for sharing that with us, Sloane.” Nash said with a compassionate smile. Gage could hardly remember a time when his team was silent while someone else spoke. They didn’t interrupt with questions. They just were there, fully listening to her.
The way she sat, her shoulders squared as if she was ready to head into battle, and the way she walked them calmly through everything, almost detached from the information like it wasn’t something that happened to her, had Gage moving closer to her the entire time. And when she leaned into him, when she reached out to grab his hand and let out the smallest sigh of relief when they were finally touching, it solidified everything for him. He really was in love with her.
“Why don’t we take ten minutes, then come back together and we’ll go over the game plan on how we’re going to keep my girlfriend safe?”
She squeezed his hand and he winked at her before Mae and Lily rushed towards them, immediately pulling Sloane from him. He watched for any sign of stress or discomfort on Sloane’s face, but there wasn’t any. Instead, a soft smile and watery eyes looked over at him, before focusing back on her friends.
Gunner lingered at the table, Gage catching his eye the moment his gaze moved off of Lily. Being so close, for so long, they didn’t even need to exchange words. The look in his eyes was clear. They held a million promises, but it all boiled down to the most important one: they had his back, and would keep Sloane safe.
“Gunner, I want to thank you and the guys—” Her words were cut off as Gunner held up his hand.
“No thanks necessary. I really want to give you a hug, Sloane. Same as I’m sure every single one of my brothers want to. But I know that you’re not okay with that, and I now understand why. What I want to tell you is that one day, if you’re ever ready, I’ll have that hug waiting to go. You’re our family. Don’t ever forget that. Tracker’s got you. We’ve all got you.”
* * *
“He’s so good with Sage.” Lily smiled as she sat down next to Sloane. Gage had insisted the women not go back to her office to work until the team could install more security, and even then, she doubted he could be okay with her holding sessions there. She’d canceled her remaining appointments for the week at his encouragement, and if she was being honest with herself, it felt nice to have that bit of stress removed. But she would be going back to work once they had a plan in place. “I obviously didn’t know him before, but you can see just how good of a dad he was from how good he is with her. A fun uncle, who I’m sure will make a great dad again one day.”
Sloane realized she wanted that for him. Lily’s words wrapped around her heart and squeezed, because it was a reality that would never be hers.
“I’m going to go get some air for a second, I think,” Sloane said as she stood up from the conference table. They’d finished talking with Kimi about the most recent victim. Her mind needed to shut off for a few minutes, and stepping outside, feeling the sun on her face, sounded like the perfect way to get a little peace.
“Do you want company? The guys haven’t said what the plan is moving forward for security. I don’t know if you should be going anywhere by yourself…”
“No, I’m okay. I won’t leave the property. I think I’ll just go to the courtyard. Besides, the way your husband is looking at you through the conference room windows, I wouldn’t be surprised if he wanted to whisk you away to the broom closet for a quickie. Especially since Gage is in full-on uncle mode with Sage.”
“Sloane! I don’t think he’s looking at me like that.” Her friend’s face turned as red as a sugar beet, but she didn’t miss the way her eyes widened when they connected with Gunner’s.
“Please. That man only has one look in his eyes when you are around.”
Lily giggled as she got to her feet. “I’m not going to him right now for that, just so you know. I think he’s worried about you, just like we all are. I’ll probably need to talk him off the ledge of having a tracker placed under your skin like he tried to do with me last year.”
“What?”
Lily laughed. “Eh, forget I said anything. Don’t want to give Gage any ideas.” She turned to walk out of the room. “Oh, and it wouldn’t be the broom closet. Just in case you ever have to go in there. It’s never been the broom closet.”
Sloane sat for another few seconds, watching Lily walk to Gunner, whispering something in his ear before the two of them took off towards his office.
Yep. She’d officially never be stepping foot in there!
Her eyes drifted back to Gage, who was busy dancing around the reception area with Sage, zooming her closer to Mae and then pulling her away before Mae could snatch her up. He was such a natural with kids. The smile on his face was so big and bright that guilt washed over her in a tidal wave so overwhelming she folded in on herself.
How could she not tell him? He’d said before that being a father was the greatest gift. Gage would want that again some day. But she would never be able to give that to him. She would never want to.
Sloane grabbed her coffee mug and slipped out of the conference room, walking to the back door. She’d only been back to the small courtyard a handful of times, but it was clear Mae was trying to make it cozy. There were Adirondack chairs set in a semi circle next to planters with fresh spring flowers.
Sloane sank down into the chair, trying to ground herself. The conversation she needed to have with Gage wasn’t going to be a fun one. God, there was that nagging guilt, boiling in her stomach again. She should have said something before. When he was saying he loved her. What an idiot… leading him on. Letting him think that things could build between them. Letting herself believe that someone so good would want the same life as her?—
“Why are you out here all by yourself?” Gage’s voice from behind startled her.
“Oh! You scared me.”
“Sorry. You shouldn’t be out here alone. I almost had a heart attack when I saw you were gone from the conference room.”
“Nothing is going to happen to me out here.” Sloane waved at the brick walls surrounding them, and then to the iron spindles with sharp arrows at the top. “I just needed a bit of fresh air. Lily and Gunner were making love eyes at each other and slipped away, and I just needed a moment of quiet.”
“Ah. Yeah, those two aren’t very subtle.”
“I wouldn’t want them to be. They both deserve to live loudly in love. And you looked quite comfortable holding Sage.”
“I love that kid. She’s going to be a little hellion one day. But it’s fun to be the uncle who can wind them up and then hand them back over to their parents.”
Sloane took a long sip of water, concentrating on the way the cold slowly made its way through her body.
“What? What’s wrong?”
“I guess it’s best that we talk about this now. Before things grow….”
“You and me things?”
“You called me your girlfriend before,” she whispered. “In front of all the guys.”
“I know I did.” He shrugged his shoulders like it was the most natural thing in the world for him to say those words. “Are you upset that I said that?”
“No. Lily reminded me of something, just now. I’m not being fair to you by giving you hope of a future together.”
“What the fuck are you talking about? Not being fair to me would be walking away because you’re scared right now, Red.”
“That’s not it at all. It’s… The way you are with Sage, I can see you were always meant to be a dad.”
“I was a dad, Sloane. I still am in my heart.”
Her hand rested against his arm. “Of course you are. Hearing you talk about Mikey, about losing him… there’s not a doubt in my mind that you were the best dad, Gage. And you will be again. It’s so natural to you. It’s so ingrained in who you are. That’s why I won’t waste your time. I won’t give you false hope that one day this….” she gestured between their bodies. “This will ever go anywhere meaningful. I can’t ever give you that.”
“That?”
“Kids. I can’t.”
“Where is this coming from?”
“I’m not running away. I told you I wouldn’t, but I forgot about what moving forward would mean to you. Saying you love me, calling me your girlfriend in front of your friends, I know you’re thinking about the future. You’ve got to let whatever this is between us, go. I’m not the right woman for you.”
He was eerily calm, nodding as his elbows came to rest on his knees, and his hand worked over the five o’clock shadow that had grown in over the day. “I’m guessing I get no say in this?”
“I don’t want kids!” she blurted out.
“Red…”
“No. I don’t want them.” Her voice shook and she forced herself to take a breath. “I don’t have it in me now. Maybe I never did.”
“What if I told you I didn’t want more children?”
Sloane shook her head. “That’s your grief talking. The way you are with Sage, the way you still talk about Mikey, you’ll feel differently in the future.”
“And you might, too. But that’s the risk we take when we open our hearts up to someone.”
She shook her head. “I meant what I said. No kids. Ever. I do not possess the skills to overcome the crushing anxiety that would come from having a child.” She’d never be comfortable bringing a child into the world after everything that happened to her. What she went through, it changed her. And sure, she’d found purpose again. She’d found some light. But there was a darkness, a fear always in the back of her mind, threatening to swallow her whole. She couldn’t bring a child into the world knowing she would never be able to give them all of herself.
Gage cupped her cheek, brushing away the tear that slipped down her face. God, she hated that. This wasn’t something she was ashamed of. There was absolutely nothing wrong with choosing to be child free. But the worry was there. Worry that she was taking something from him. A chance at having that happiness again. And she would never be able to forgive herself if that was the case.
“That’s okay, Red. Not wanting kids changes nothing for me. I want you. I just want you. Exactly as you are right now.”
“This will never be a ‘maybe one day’ thing for me. I’ve felt this way for years. I’ve accepted it. There isn’t a single part of me that thinks about loud family dinners, or birthday parties, or feeling life grow inside me. I don’t want any of it.”
“Have you told me everything? This is everything you’re feeling about moving forward together?”
They sat in silence for a minute before she squared her shoulders and turned to face him. “I’m scared you’re going to say it’s okay, that you’re going to pick me, and then I’m going to give you my heart, and you’re going to resent me. That it will be something you can get behind now, but in a few years, when Gunner and Lily have five kids, and who knows who else is settled down around us growing their families, that you’ll start to feel the itch. And you’ll come talk to me about it. But nothing will have changed for me, Gage. I need you to understand that. I will not budge. There is no amount of time that will pass, no amount of children that come into my life, that will change my decision. And I’m scared that you’ll end up hating me for that.”
Gage stood, rubbing his hands down his thighs. She knew the words had to be said. It was better to clearly communicate everything she was feeling now so that the heartbreak down the road wouldn’t destroy her.
“Thank you,” she whispered. “For giving me last night. For being a safe place for me to land when I needed it. For opening up to me about your family. I’ll always cherish that, and I’ll always be thankful for your friendship. I don’t want that to change.”
“Fuck, Red. I’m not walking away right now. I’m trying to think how to get through that stubborn mind of yours!” He sat back down, his hand landing on her thigh. It was possessive, and that was comforting to her. Gage’s eyes dropped for a second to where his hand rested, then back up to her face. “Your job is to listen to people and hear what they truly mean in what they are saying. So listen to me now. I had a child. I was a dad. I loved every minute of it. I wish it lasted my whole life, but instead, it lasted only for his. There is a part of my heart that will never recover from that, Sloane. I don’t want more kids, either. Mikey is mine. Forever, and ever. But I can’t live with the constant worry of losing another child. I don’t want to do it.”
“You don’t?”
“No, baby. I don’t. I know we haven’t had this talk until right now, but I want you to know that I’m serious. And it’s not just because you have this position, either. Three years ago, I had a vasectomy.”
Oh, shit, she was blinking back tears. “So, what? We just embrace being the fun Aunt and Uncle to all our friends’ kids?”
“That sounds perfect to me. Spoil ‘em rotten, fill them with sugar, and send them back home to torture our friends. Yup. All of the fun, none of the worry. What could be better than that?”
“I don’t think there’s no worry involved. Remember when Sage ended up in the hospital with that fever? I waited for an update all night, worried sick.”
“That’s true. That wasn’t a fun night.”
Her hand settled over his. “Are you sure? You’re certain you don’t want to be a dad again? Vasectomies are sometimes reversible.”
“Bite your tongue, woman,” he joked, his smile falling after only a second. “I think I’ve known since the minute I lost them, Red. It’s not in the cards for me. I’m happy just exploring what life will look like with someone I love by my side again.”