Chapter 14
Fourteen
A gent Liu mentioned that Sloane’s boyfriend was killed when she was taken. Gage saw the pain flash on her face before she schooled her emotions. Fuck. How could he have forgotten that?
“I’m so sorry, Red. I don’t know how I forgot that what happened to him was in your file.”
“It's okay. I know any part of this would be overwhelming and there are a lot of details to remember. But it’s why I wanted to be the one to share it with you.”
“I’m listening. Ready if you want to continue, or we can stop and talk about something else if you need a break.”
“I appreciate that.” She slid her hand across her lap and onto his thigh. It only took a second for him to scoop it up, wrapping her cold fingers in his. “Davis and I were walking back from campus when I started to feel… sick. There was this person walking behind us. I tried to warn him. I tried, Gage.”
“What happened?” he whispered.
“The attacker had a knife. He just kept stabbing him. Over and over and over. I couldn’t do anything except watch. You said I didn’t know what it was like to lose someone how you lost Melody and Mikey, but I do know. I watched the life drain out of my boyfriend’s eyes. All because he was with me.” She brushed at the tears streaming down her face. “I don’t have any memory of what happened next. But, like I’m sure Kimi told you, I woke up in a cave where I was held for almost three weeks before I finally escaped.”
“Red… did he…” Gage couldn’t get out the words. “Agent Liu didn’t tell us the extent of what you went through, but I can’t stop thinking…”
She let go of him, pulling her sleeves down over her wrist and hands. He watched as she gripped the fabric in her palms and formed tight fists around it. “He didn’t rape me. I know that’s what you’re wondering, because I can’t stand to be touched, right? That he must have sexually assaulted me, but he didn’t. He psychologically tortured me with touch. The first day, he took my clothes, and dumped water over me. He left me to freeze in that cave. It might have been summer, but it was still so cold. There was no food, no water. No way for me to get out of the shackle that was around my ankle. And then, he came back and offered to hold me for warmth. I refused at first. But then he had water, and food. All I had to do was let him hold me while I ate. I tried to keep refusing as time went on, but I was so scared. He was still drugging me and everything was so terrifying…”
“It’s okay that you did what you had to in order to survive, Sloane. That makes you incredibly brave.”
She shook her head. “The mask he wore, the way his voice sounded coming through whatever he used to distort it, it was awful. He told me he knew I was different because I let him hold me. That I was the one he’d been searching all along for. The perfect replacement. I just wanted to stay alive long enough to escape. So I played his game. But those horrible moments with his arms around me meant warmer clothes. Blankets left for me at night. I think that’s the only reason I didn’t die out there. How I was strong enough to not drink the water he left behind for me one day. How I was able to finally use the underwire in my bra he’d let me have back to pick the padlock holding me in place. And then I was running. And it took so long, Gage. It took so long to finally feel safe again.”
He reached up to wipe away her tears. She looked a million miles away, and he didn’t even know if she realized that she had started to cry.
“You were so brave. I’m so proud of you.”
“Sorry,” she sniffled. “I haven’t talked about it like that since I became Sloane. I know it’s a lot to digest.”
“Don’t do that. Don’t shut down and try to take care of me right now.”
“That’s not what?—”
“Yes it is. That’s what you do, baby. You care so much about everyone around you that you minimize what you’re going through. What you’ve been through. You focus on them so that no one sees you and your pain. I’m not going to let you do that anymore.”
She sat silently, worrying the edge of his sweatshirt in between her fingers.
“He used touch against me, Gage. It was what he wanted most from me. And he punished me until I was broken and gave him what he wanted. It’s why I can’t… It’s why I don’t like to have people touch me. Because it’s scary and dangerous and I never want to get to the point again where I need touch to survive.”
Fuck. His heart squeezed painfully in his chest. “I know it feels that way, but you are not broken. You are not damaged because of what he did to you. You are a survivor and whether you can see it now or not, you are so fucking strong.”
She shook her head. “I can’t even be in a dark room! I have to sleep with a nightlight on like a child because that cave was so dark, I’m scared of the smallest shadows. The last time I spent the night here, I had to sleep with your bathroom light on and the door fully open.”
“That’s understandable. You were in a fucking cave, Red. The dark would be triggering for anyone after that.”
“Why aren’t you hearing me?” Her voice was hysterical. “I couldn’t shower for weeks. Weeks , Gage, after I got out because it was so damp and cold in there. I tried. At the hospital, I got in the shower and I couldn’t breathe. It didn’t matter that the water was warm and the bathroom was clean. All it did was bring me right back there. Right back to him. It’s always going to be like this. Until he comes for me. Until he takes me.”
“I’m not going to let that happen,” Gage growled as he watched Sloane’s fists tightened so much that her fingernails were digging into the meaty flesh of her palms. He reached over, gently prying her fingers until they were laying flat against the table. “Don’t do that, Sloane. Don’t hurt yourself over this.”
Gage took her hand and placed it on his arm. “You need someone to take the pain out on, you dig your nails into me. You put that pain on my flesh, for me to handle. I’ll gladly take it for you.”
She squeezed her hand against his skin. “I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want you to hurt. It feels like there is nothing he won’t do to get to me if he finds me. We might already be out of time. And there’s a really big part of me that wants him to come, Gage. Because I want this all to be over. And I’m scared that means I have to die for it to be.”
“No.” The familiar sting of tears sprang in his own eyes, now mirroring Sloane’s. “God, Red. I thought the worst thing was when you pushed me away. But those tears. Seeing you cry knowing I can’t make it better right this instant is going to be my undoing. There is nothing in this world I won’t do to keep you safe. Nothing. If that means I have to tear him apart limb for limb with my bare hands, I will. You are safe with me.”
* * *
A scream had Gage jumping up from the couch so fast that he missed his footing, crashing to his knees before orienting himself. Fuck, he was in the living room. Who the hell had screamed like that? Before he could even finish his thought, another scream, so desperate and filled with pain, broke through the walls.
And that’s when everything slammed back into his mind. Sloane was sleeping in his bedroom, and a scream like that could only mean one thing. Someone had gotten past him and was trying to hurt her.
His feet pushed off the floor as he ran to his bedroom door. His hand slipped over the doorknob and he turned… but it was locked.
For fuck’s sake! Why the hell had she locked the goddamn door? He leaned his ear against the wood, trying to listen for a sign of struggle, but there was nothing. Gage’s fingers slipped along the top of the door frame until they touched cold metal. The contractors who built out the apartments for Sebastian must have known to leave the door keys there. And he was fucking grateful for that, because all he could hear now was whimpering coming from inside the room.
“Sloane?” he knocked. “Are you okay?”
No answer. Gage knocked louder.
“Red? I need you to answer me. Just let me know you’re okay.”
Another scream pierced the air and Gage knew he couldn’t wait any longer. He slid the oddly shaped tool into the knob and twisted, wiggling back and forth until the lock disengaged. Gage threw the door open, his eyes rushing to find Sloane.
She was there, still on the bed, thrashing dangerously close to the edge. Fuck. He lunged, just in time to catch her as she toppled towards the floor. His ass hit the hardwoods and he wrapped his arms around her.
“Don’t touch me! Don’t touch me!” she screamed, as her arms and legs continued to flail around her. “No, please! Please don’t touch me!”
“Red, you’re just having a bad dream. I need you to wake up now. It’s just a dream, baby. It’s just a dream.” He squeezed her body closer to his as he fought through the lump in his throat. “Please, come back to me now. You’re safe. You’re safe with me, Sloane.”
Her body sagged back into his, an immediate rush of relief washing over Gage. Sloane’s face pressed into his chest as she took in a deep breath. Her eyes opened slowly, red rimmed from the tears her nightmare had forced her to cry.
“Gage? What happened?” She asked, rubbing her eyes.
“I think you might have had a nightmare. Do you remember?”
Her hand froze, and the eye not hidden by it went wide. For a second he stilled, not daring to breathe, waiting to see what she would do. Every fiber of his being waited for her to push him away, but that’s not what happened. Instead, he felt her body melt into his.
“God, I just want this to be over. I was doing so much better. Before everything with Lily… I hadn’t had a nightmare in months. Now I can’t even close my eyes without being back there. Knowing he’s back… He shouldn’t get to… He shouldn’t take up this much space in my head.”
Gage wrapped his arms around her.
“I’m sorry I can’t make it better.”
“You’re doing exactly what I need right now.”
Her hands wrapped around his waist. They sat together, him cradling her and her clinging onto him, for several silent minutes. He felt her body start to shake, his heart clenching waiting for the tears to come.
But they didn’t.
Instead, laughter slowly filled the room. Quiet at first, then louder as her body shook more violently.
“Red?” He questioned, moving his hand to raise her face so he could look into her eyes. They sparkled, crinkled at the corner as more laughter poured from her. “Are you okay?”
“Can’t… breathe…” she giggled, moving to hold her sides.
“Fuck, Sloane. Is this okay? What can I do? I don’t know how to make it stop.”
She waved her hand in front of her face, taking gulping breaths in as she pushed herself up off his chest.
“He… made… me…” Her breathing was too sharp and Gage knew she was teetering on the razor’s edge between laughter and crying. “Hate… being… t-touched.”
A sob fell between them and Gage felt her hands tighten on his shirt. “It’s okay, Sloane.”
“I just want… you…” More tears interrupted her.
“Do you want me to let you go?” he asked, every fiber of his being screaming at him for even suggesting it.
“No! H-hold me… please. D-don’t let go.”
Never again, Red. Never, ever, again.
* * *
In the early morning light, she looked so peaceful. It had taken every ounce of strength he had not to call a fucking meeting with his team as soon as Sloane was back to sleep. He wanted answers. He wanted action. But above all, he wanted the sleeping woman who’d let him hold her as she fell apart in the middle of the night to finally know she was truly safe.
Over the last few minutes, Sloane’s body had slowly turned rigid against him. Her breathing was still slow and measured, her eyes still closed. But Gage knew she was awake. Maybe she wasn’t ready to face the day yet, but something told him it was more than that.
“I can hear you thinking. It’s too early for that, Sloane.”
Sloane tucked her face tighter into his chest and he sighed. Fuck, he thought he’d have more time to enjoy just holding before having to let her go.
“Morning.”
“Morning.” She stretched her neck and rolled her face towards his. A bright, big yawn swallowed up her features. “Did you sleep okay?”
“I should be asking you that. It wasn’t too much sleeping like… this?”
Her fingers moved across his chest. “No. It was nice. I haven’t slept that well in a really long time.”
“Me either,” he admitted, squeezing his arms around her softly.
“As nice as it was…” Gage’s stomach fell as he waited for her to finish. “I spent a lot of time thinking before I fell asleep.”
“Thinking about him?”
Her shiver shook his body.
“God, no. But in a roundabout way, yes. I guess everything leads back to him in the end.”
“Tell me.”
She bit her bottom lip, rolling it between her teeth. The whole act looked so painful Gage reached up and brushed his thumb against the delicate skin until she released it.
“I need to go.”
He blinked. “Go where? I can take you back to your house if there is more that you need from there.”
“No. I mean, I’ll need to go back there, but Kimi can take me. Because I have to go away.”
His heart stopped beating. There was no way she actually thought— “No.”
“Kimi gave me an out. She can get me a new…” her voice hitched and she cleared her throat. “She can get me a new identity. It might be for the best.”
“No, it is not for the fucking best.”
She pushed off his chest, sitting up with the comforter tucked tightly all around her.
“I should have waited to talk to you about it. Let’s go have breakfast.”
“You think a bagel is going to make me agree with you?”
“I was thinking more along the lines of french toast. It’s one of the only things I can cook without it turning to charcoal.”
“Red…”
“Fine. No breakfast, then.” Sloane ran her hand through her messy hair. “I think I need to at least hear what Kimi has to say about relocating and starting over. I can’t put everyone here at risk.”
“What risk is there to anyone other than you? Every single person in your life wants you to stay right where you are. We don’t want to lose you. I can’t lose you.”
“If I decide to go, you have to let me.”
He shook his head. “Why weren’t you placed into WITSEC?”
“What?”
“You would have been a prime candidate for witness protection. With this sicko still out there, still wanting to come after you. WITSEC should have been offered. It should have been the first option offered. You would have been protected all this time instead of left on your own.”
“Kimi didn’t want me to be in any systems. When she explained it to me, how she could get everything off the books, how there would be no trace for anyone to potentially find, I knew that was the only way I’d be willing to do it. And it’s what I’m willing to do again to protect you.”
“I don’t think it’s smart. Not using official channels is a giant red flag, Sloane. If you do go, I’ll be going with you.”
“No. That’s absurd. You’ve got a whole life here. A whole family. You can’t do that for me.”
“I can, and I will.”
“No, Gage. I mean it. You can’t. You’ve already had to say goodbye to the most important people in your life. I can’t ask you to do it again. Not for me. I’m not worth that.”
“Stop. You are?—“
“I’m not. My parents, my brother… they don’t even know I’m still alive. Do you know how hard it is to sit in a hospital room and watch your parents cry on national television over the fact that you were murdered? I know that the guys would at least know you’re okay because they have connections to the FBI, but you’d never be allowed to visit where Melody and Mikey are buried. You’d never be able to go and clean out that storage unit one day. You’d never be able to tell anyone about them. No matter what I want, no matter how badly I don’t want to leave you, I can’t ask you… I mean, you wouldn’t have the same last name as them anymore. If I decide to go, you need to let me.”
“You think that’s possible?” Gage slipped out from under the covers, his feet slapping against the cold floor as he marched towards the bedroom door, his fist clenching around the doorknob. But instead of opening it, he just held on while he forced himself to breathe. “You think I’d ever be able to stop thinking about you? The way my heart skips a beat when you smile at me? How your cheeks flush the prettiest shade of red I’ve ever seen when we hold hands? The way your breath hitches and you seek me out when you’re scared?”
“I know it’s hard. But it’s the only way I can see keeping you safe.”
“Red.” His teeth ground together as he said her nickname.
Everything in him was screaming to pull her into his arms. To finally kiss her and pour into her the love he felt coursing through his veins. Instead, he climbed back on the bed and held his hand out. He waited, watching the war inside her eyes, until she finally reached out and slid her hand into his. Her fingers were freezing, so he took a second to press his lips against the tip of each one before closing both of his hands around hers.
“I refuse to believe that you think there is any chance of me ever forgetting you. You are the first thing I think of in the morning, and the last thing I think about before I go to sleep. I’m going to pretend like you never said that, okay? Because if I don’t… If I were to walk out of this room right now knowing that you believe I could ever erase you from my mind, from my heart, I’d lose it. What has all this time been for? You think I’m just joking around here? You think I told you about Mel and Mikey for nothing? The only person I’ve ever told outside of my teammates, the only other person I’ve talked to about what it was like losing Melody and Mikey is Emma. I fucking love you, Sloane. So yeah, I would go with you wherever you needed to be to feel safe. I would do that for you in a fucking heartbeat.”
Her eyes were wide, unblinking. “You love me?” she whispered.
“Fuck,” he raked his hands through his hair. “I shouldn’t have blurted it out like that, but the thought of you leaving, and not taking me with you… not having control of the situation. Not being able to do anything to change the outcome. It feels like losing Melody.”
“Gage.”
He sighed, running his hand along his jaw. “I’m not walking around here comparing the two of you, Sloane. You are not her replacement. You are not filling the void left in my heart from losing her. There’s this separate part of my heart that belongs to you. Only you. I want you to know that. Whatever needs to be done to keep you safe, that’s what we’ll do. Together.”
“We’ve never even kissed. What if I’m a terrible kisser? What if I’m never able to get past… this. What if we can never take our relationship to the next step? What if?—”
It was a risk. A huge fucking risk. He didn’t want to scare her. But he didn’t know what else to do. Gage slid his hands up to her cheeks, framing her face in warmth. And then he moved his face down towards hers. He stopped, their lips just an inch apart, waiting for her to stop him.
And that’s when she took him by surprise. Because the most reserved woman he’d ever met, the one who had trouble with touch, the one who had been slowly warming up to him, allowing him into her space inch by terrifyingly slow inch, leaned up and pressed her lips to his.
The world shattered around him, in the best fucking way. The walls of dull gray and muted pain that he’d constructed around his heart cracked and crumbled and all that was left behind was the incredible realization that the woman he loved was finally, finally letting him in.
“Well,” he whispered as they broke apart. “I don’t think we have to worry about our kisses not having chemistry.”
“I guess not,” she smiled, a sheepish grin growing across her face. “But it’s so fast. You barely know anything about me, Gage. The stuff you learned yesterday is… it’s too much.”
“I barely know you?” His head shook back and forth in disbelief. “This might be fast for you, Sloane, but I’ve been thinking of this moment for months. Warring with myself over what to do. Because I saw you that very first time you walked into Montgomery Defense to introduce yourself. And I fucking started worrying about you the next week when you came to see me about putting a tracker in your necklace. This hasn’t been fast for me.”
“I saw you too,” she whispered. “There’s always been something there. Wanting. More than friendship. But Mae told me about what happened, and I couldn’t get past my own issues. And that’s just it. Until yesterday, there was everything about my past hidden between us.”
Gage leaned in and tucked a wayward strand behind her ear, letting his hand drift down the length of her hair until his fingers brushed along her collarbone.
“I know you, Red. I know that you sprinkle cinnamon in your coffee every morning. I know that you wear your black blazer on Mondays and your blue power suit on days when you are meeting with new clients. I know you nibble on your bottom lip when you’re trying to make a decision about what to order at Dolly’s and you have a small war going with the mailman, which I still fully support your position and will make sure he respects your wishes. I know you like spending your time at the animal shelter because you don’t have to worry about being safe around them, and that probably feels like a big weight off your chest. And I know that you are trying to get better about touch and growing close to people because you love your friends and you want them to truly feel that from you.”
“How do you know all of that?”
“Nothing you do is too small for me to notice. Because I love you. And I’m going to keep you safe no matter what. No running. We lean on each other from here on out. We lean on our friends. We trust that everything is going to be okay.”
A tear slipped down her cheek.
“Why are you upset?”
“I’m not upset. I’m falling for you, Gage. And I’m mad because I can’t let my heart be there yet. I’m scared. Terrified, if I’m being honest because I don’t want to be the reason something bad happens to you. But I don’t want to run. I don’t want to leave you. I don’t want to say goodbye to the life I have here.”
“Good. That’s the end of that discussion then.”
Sloane let out a soggy laugh.
“I know we kind of have to get up and face the day now, but do you think you could hold on to me for a few minutes before we do?”
Gage closed his eyes as a huge sigh of relief left his lungs. He wrapped his arms around Sloane, leaning back on the bed. Her head nestled on his shoulder and her hand came up to rest over his heart. Fuck. It’d taken them both dissolving into tears, a serial killer fucking threatening to take Sloane away from him, and the thought of never seeing each other again to get them there. But in a way, with everything out in the open, things felt right for the first time in a long time.
“That kiss was incredible, Red. But this. You letting me hold you? I think this will always be my favorite.”