Chapter 15
Fifteen
Ahand pressed down on Stone’s shoulder, shaking him awake.
“Come on, Sully. It’s time to get up. You need to take your pain meds, and I’ve got to get down to the office. Gage has that presentation to the SAR team in Washington and I need to be there to help him set up the conference room.”
Stone’s eyes cracked open, and for just one second, he forgot what the night held.
Because sitting on the edge of the bed, hugged in close to his hip, was a fully dressed Mae.
She had her hair and makeup done, and was holding out her hand.
In her palm were two familiar white pills.
But her eyes couldn’t hide the pain she was in.
The memories slammed back into him. Stone sat up with a jolt, groaning as his chest pulled tight with the motion.
“Mae, you shouldn’t be up. And you sure as fuck don’t need to be going into work today. You need to see your doctor.”
She shook her head, pressing the two pills into his palm as she stood. “No, I don’t. I’m fine.”
He reached his free hand out to caress her thigh, but she recoiled at the touch.
“You do. We need to make sure that the miscarriage was complete. That your body isn’t having any complications.”
“I hadn’t even gotten the pregnancy confirmed yet.
It’s not a big deal to go right back to work.
” She shifted her stance, clearly trying to hide her discomfort.
But Stone had spent hours upon hours staring at her beautiful face since they started sleeping together.
He knew how to read every emotion that came across it.
Maybe she wouldn’t admit it… maybe she couldn’t…
but she was in pain. Her sigh echoed off the walls.
“I called the office while I was getting dressed. They don’t need to see me until a week from now when they’ll run a blood test to make sure my levels are returning to normal.
Aside from watching out for signs something may be wrong, which they went over with me in explicit detail, I just need to go through it.
And I don’t want to sit in bed, wallowing.
I’m good. I got all my tears out last night. ”
“Mae…”
Her eyes shut and her fingers pressed into her temple. “I’m not a weak woman, Stone.”
Something shifted inside his chest. A heavy weight crushed down, the pressure uncomfortable enough that he must have grimaced because Mae was now staring at him with eyes full of worry.
“What’s wrong?” she asked.
“Nothing. I don’t think…”
I’m a strong woman, Stone…
I’m a strong woman…
The words echoed around in his mind like a shadow of something he once heard her say. But he couldn’t place where they belonged in his memory. He couldn’t see what she’d been wearing or the conversation they were having. Why did it feel like they were arguing?
“Hey, you’re scaring me.” Mae was back on the bed, sitting next to him, her hand resting on his thigh. Stone shook his head, clearing out the faint image of a memory before he turned back to her.
“Sorry. I think I just had deja vu, but I can’t remember where the hell it was from.”
Mae gasped. “Do you think it was a memory? Coming back?”
“I don’t know. I don’t want to get your hopes up. Not when this just…”
“No.” She stood up, smoothing her hands over her shirt. “Your recovery is exactly what we need to focus on. It’s time to just put this… put what happened last night behind us. Come on, take your medicine. We need to get our day started.”
“Stone,” Mae sighed as she grabbed his plate off the table. “You have to stop.”
“Stop what?”
“Looking at me like that. Like I’m going to fall apart. I’m not. I’ve got things to do, and we’re doing them.”
“I’m just worried—” God, the way he was looking at her, the hurt in his eyes, was infuriating. She didn’t want to feel that empathy from him. She didn’t want to cry or to see the tears in his eyes.
She wanted to scream.
“No. I don’t need to curl up in a little ball and cry.
I did that last night. I…” She pulled in a quick breath, holding it for two counts before she slowly released it.
No emotions. No pain. No heartbreak. “I’m good now.
I’m going to go down to work. Because that’s what women do.
We keep going. In the middle of heartbreak.
In the middle of loss. When our bodies are in pain and we’re bleeding and every inch of our skin feels too tight and too sensitive.
There is no other choice. So, just like every other woman who has walked through this experience before me, I’m just going to keep going.
And while I do that, you’re going to rest.”
His hand landed on her arm and she fought the urge to pull away.
She’d let herself get too comfortable with the idea that she could start over with Stone.
That everything was just magically righted by his memory loss.
But her miscarriage was a reminder that the piper had to be paid.
And one day soon, no doubt, he would remember letting her walk away to work on the debt he felt he owed to the universe.
She needed to detach. Stone’s doctors, her friends and his family all wanted her to be the doting girlfriend. And she could do that. But she wouldn’t open her heart up to the idea of it lasting. She would harden her heart to that pain.
“I’m going to come down to the office with you.”
“You absolutely are not,” she scoffed, crossing her arms over her chest.
“What if you start to not feel well? You need someone to take care of you. You need to talk to someone,” he whispered.
“No I don’t!” What did he want from her?
To fall at his feet in a weeping fit? Because she could.
If she just let go, she could cry, and cry, until she was so dehydrated she couldn’t possibly cry another goddamn tear.
Or, she could just get on with things. Because eventually, she would have to.
So that’s what she would just fucking do.
Mae was on the edge of losing her mind, the anger pulsing dangerously beneath her overheated skin.
“You lost our baby in the middle of the night, Michaela. This isn’t fucking processing it. You’re walking around like a robot. Pushing all your emotions down. And I know you think it’s working. I know you think you’re getting away with it, but you aren’t.”
Mae rubbed at her temple. “Look, I don’t know what processing it looks like, but I’m fucking bleeding and cramping and I just want some sense of normalcy so I don’t drown in the pain, Stone.
Is that too much to ask? I can think about it another day.
When I’m not on the edge of losing myself to it.
Okay? Can we just focus on something else? ”
Silence spread across the table like an insidious monster. But she wouldn’t back down. In the last few weeks, she had pushed her needs aside. Someone could now do that for her.
“Okay. I can do that.” As soon as the words left his mouth, she sighed in relief. “If you promise that you’ll talk to someone. It doesn’t have to be a professional someone, but maybe Lily since she was the one who already knew? This week. Before your appointment with your doctor.”
Was it the best plan to make an appointment with her doctor knowing she would be going alone during her lunch break?
No, probably not. Would Stone be mad that she lied about the timing of it all and he didn’t get the chance to be there for her?
She was positive he would be. Doing it on her own just felt right, and she wouldn’t apologize for that.
It was just easier to let him think there was an appointment looming in the future.
“I don’t need to talk to anyone, Sully. I’m fine.”
“You’re not. But I’ll let you tell yourself that if that’s what it takes to get that one single, simple concession.”
She stared him down. “When I’m ready, I’ll talk with Lily.
But it’s not today. I’m not ready for anyone else to know.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be, but I know I can’t ask you to not talk to the guys.
If you need to process it with them, just ask them to honor the fact that I’ll tell the girls when I’m ready. ”
Stone was already nodding before he answered. “I can do that.”
She stood, bending over to press her lips to his shoulder.
“I hope you have a good day today.” His words were amplified by the sincerity pouring off of him in waves.
“I will. Being busy is what I need. I promise. Call down if you need anything.”
“Come home if it’s too much.”
She nodded, but knew that she wouldn’t. Because home, the apartment that had been filled with daydreams about where their baby would sleep and play not even twenty-four hours before, now felt like the graveyard where all her hopes and dreams had gone to die.
“You did a nice job setting up the conference call for Gage,” Nash’s voice startled Mae as she set her mug on the counter in the kitchen, coffee sloshing all over the place. Of course. It was the first time in weeks the smell hadn’t set off her stomach.
Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t you fucking dare cry…
“Oh shit. Sorry. You okay?” Nash reached under the cabinet and ripped off several paper towels before he slid them on the counter top, mopping up the spilled liquid.
“I’m fine. Just distracted today. I should probably get back to my desk. I’ve got that paperwork to look over for The Trident this afternoon. Should have the copies made and back to you by the end of the day.”
“Oh, great. I actually have two more files I need with them, I’ll email them over this afternoon.
And I don’t need them back today if you want to duck out early to be with Stone.
” His brows furrowed as he watched Mae pour the rest of her coffee down the drain, opting to add hot water from the kettle over a tea bag instead. “I didn’t know you drank tea.”