Chapter 21 #3
Stone jumped up, ignoring the throbbing in his head. And thank fuck he moved quickly, because as soon as he stepped into the bedroom, he saw Mae doubled over, hand over her eyes as her body swayed.
“Whoa!” His arms wrapped around her as he guided them both to the bed. Once he had her safely on the mattress, Stone dropped to his knees, his hands landing on her waist. “You’re not taking care of yourself, Mae. What can I do? How can I help?”
“Of course I’m not taking care of myself!
When is there time for that? In between making sure your body and your mind are healing?
How about while working myself to the bone so that I don’t have to spend any time in my own head where all I can think about is losing our baby and the lies that I have to keep telling you every day? ”
Her eyes went wide as her hand slapped over her mouth.
“What lies?”
“I don’t know what I’m saying. I’m exhausted and I drank too much. I don’t feel good,” she whimpered. “I haven’t felt good in a long time, and I just…”
“Hey.” Stone pushed her hair over her shoulder.
“It’s me. You don’t have to tell me lies to protect me.
I want to carry all of this for you. The weight of everything.
But since you’re just about as hard headed as you know your brother can be, why don’t you just unload that one burden on me. What are you lying to me about?”
Her eyes popped up, focusing on him. They stared at each other for so long he was sure she wasn’t going to say a word to him. But then, she sighed, shrugged her shoulders and winced.
“You didn’t choose me.”
The words slammed into him harder than any bullet could.
“What do you mean? I would always choose you, Mae. I want to marry you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you…”
“We aren’t together any more.” She gasped as soon as the words finished leaving her mouth. Stone’s stomach pitched.
What the fuck? Did she think that her being overwhelmed at losing their baby was going to be something he couldn’t handle? That it would make him want to leave?
“Shh. I know it feels like we are broken, and that you turned me down about getting married right now, but we’ll find our way through this. We will, sweetheart.”
“No. Listen to me. The morning you were shot.” He watched the muscles in her throat work as she swallowed.
“Everyone has told me not to tell you. Asked me to do this for you, because it’s best for your mind if you can remember things on your own, but it’s killing me, Stone.
I hate that I still love you and this is just cruel.
It’s torture pretending. I can’t… I can’t keep putting my needs last.”
His temples throbbed, the now familiar pressure growing sharp.
“You hate… I don’t understand? Tell me. Forget whatever anyone else told you about my memory. I want to know. What happened that morning?”
She looked up at him, her eyes shiny with tears, but so fucking lifeless it scared him. He wanted to shake her. To force her to say the words that were haunting her.
“You told me to leave,” she whispered. “To never come back. I got down on my knees and begged, Stone. I begged for you to pick me over your need to absolve yourself of what happened while you were still serving. But you didn’t.”
“I don’t know what…”
“You chose to let me go, Stone. And I was so sick of fighting for us that I left. I told Hawk everything that happened between us. It wasn’t just a coincidence that he was out running that morning.
He was looking for you. Probably to beat the shit out of you even though I told him not to.
But that’s why he was there. With you, after. ”
“Christ. Mae… I don’t… that doesn’t feel right.
I don’t feel like I would ever say those things to you.
I love you.” Emotion burned in the back of his throat as tears filled his eyes.
“I would do anything for you. I would do anything to take this pain from you. I don’t know who I was in that time that’s just gone from my mind, but I’m so clearly not him.
I hate that I said those things to you and I can’t even remember why I would do it. ”
Her face crumbled. “But you did. And I’ve been having to pretend that I wasn’t completely broken by it.
Finding out I was pregnant gave me this hope that even if your memory came back, you would change your mind.
You would choose me. Choose us. But losing the baby.
I just… I can’t. My heart is crushed, but it wants me to be here.
To be able to see that you are okay. To help you heal.
And my head is screaming at me to get out and never come back because that’s what you told me you wanted before.
I don’t know what to do. I can’t… I don’t want to stay here anymore.
I need to go.” She nodded, his heart falling into the soles of his feet.
“No. Please.” His arms wrapped around her.
“I know that’s a terrible thing to ask for, Mae, but there is absolutely no part of me that feels like breaking up is the right thing to do.
I remember bickering. But this, no. I always knew we would figure it out.
I love you. And I’ll fight for you. For us.
I can’t think of a single reason why I would ever tell you to go. ”
But it was there in her eyes. He could see it, clear as day. The one piece of information she wasn’t giving him. The one thing she was holding back.
“Tell me what you aren’t saying.”
She shook her head.
“I can see it in the way you are looking at me. Please. Tell me why?”
Mae sighed, her body relaxing into his hold. “You hurt me.”
“I can only imagine. And I’ll work every single day to be worthy of your forgiveness.” Her hand came up to cup his cheek, but she still just stared back at him.
“No. You hurt me. In your sleep. You were having a nightmare, and I tried to wake you up. You rolled on top of me and pinned my arms down while you were still sleeping.”
The room spun. He’d physically hurt her. He’d hurt the woman he loved.
Instantly, his arms let go of her. He tipped his body back, trying to shield her from his presence as his feet tripped over themselves trying to get away from her.
His ass slammed against the floor and he shoved backwards until his body rested against the wall.
His palms came up to press against his eyes, the pain and pressure grounding him in the moment.
“What!? And you let me touch you again? You had to deal with me trying to give you comfort after my hands were used against you? My god, Mae. I… I’m so fucking sorry.
I don’t remember. I can’t remember it.” His hands came up to rake through his hair.
“And now, I don’t know if I ever want to get those memories back, which makes me a coward. ”
“No, it doesn’t,” she whispered. “I don’t know if I want you to have them back either. I just… it’s been like having the man I fell in love with back. I feel safe when you hold me, Stone.”
“Don’t go. Can we just… can we just get in bed and wait until morning? Can I just hold you and we’ll let things settle?”
Mae nodded, flopping back onto the mattress while Stone walked around to his side of the bed. As soon as he situated her under the cover, his arms wrapped around her waist, and he pulled her in tightly against his chest.
“I’m so sorry, Mae. We’re going to figure this out. It’s all going to be okay. We’re going to be okay.”