Chapter 7
Chapter Seven
E than
The coffee shop is much emptier than usual, probably because we arrived an hour before closing. As we sit across from each other, Lily takes a sip of her chamomile tea and grimaces. Her nose scrunches up, looking so cute I want to kiss it.
Fuck this. I thought I’d gotten my recent attraction to her under control, at least for our hour together. When our session began, my focus was on helping her relax and warm up to me so she could potentially open up about Mason. It seemed to be working. We were getting along better than we ever have.
It all went to hell when I saw that entry in her spreadsheet. A vivid image immediately appeared in my head. Her head thrown back with her pretty lips parted and those big eyes glazed. Her little hand working frantically between her thighs. “Oh God, Ethan,” she whispered.
And then when she started getting specific, saying she needs a visual…
What if I gave her that visual?
My cock grew so uncomfortably hard, I had to discreetly adjust myself, praying that she wouldn’t notice.
I’ve had a handful of sexual thoughts about her over the years. Maybe her kneeling in front of me or naked on my bed. They stopped there. I forced my brain to go somewhere else while I beat my cock.
I didn’t want to want her. I tried to convince myself I didn’t, that it was only a passing thought that came from nowhere.
What if it wasn’t? What if this recent attraction was actually lying dormant all along?
“Can I at least put honey in this horrendous tea?” Lily asks, thankfully pulling me from my head.
“No. Honey is basically sugar. You don’t want to spike your insulin before bed.”
Her eyelids flutter. “I’ve eaten candy before bed and slept fine. I can promise you my lack of sleep has nothing to do with sugar.”
“You don’t know that for sure. This is just something we’re trying. A sleep ritual. Chamomile tea and relaxing conversation.”
She sucks in her lips to fight a smile.
“What?”
“Ethan, nothing about you is relaxing.”
“How about I start talking about myself? That should put you right to sleep.”
“Great idea.” Her face lights up as she sits up straighter. “I have a question for you.”
A smile rises to my lips. I love that she didn’t contradict me when I basically called myself boring. There’s something so playful about her teasing. I can’t explain it, but it makes me feel accepted. Flaws and all.
“What?” I ask.
“Why do you live the life of a fifty-five-year-old man with acid reflux? Noah tells me you don’t even eat after a certain time every night, and you take a million supplements every day. I don’t understand it. If I looked like you—” she gestures at my chest “—I’d eat In-N-Out five times a day.”
My gut clenches, like it does every time she even hints that I’m attractive. Crazy. I’ve gotten enough validation over the years to know I’m a good-looking guy.
And it doesn’t matter to Lily that I’m good-looking. She’s speaking about me now like I’m a biological specimen under her examination. Hell, she just compared me to a fifty-five-year-old man with acid reflux.
“What’s the point of working out so much if you can’t enjoy the benefits?” she asks.
I shrug. “I want to be the best version of myself, especially when I have this chance of making it to the NFL. I can’t control everything that happens on the field. There are too many moving pieces. Keeping my brain and body in top shape is one of the few things I can control.”
She rubs her thumb along the cardboard sleeve of her cup. “It doesn’t sound fun. In fact, it sounds kind of miserable.”
A chill skitters over my skin. My frat brothers and teammates constantly tease me about being a control freak, but holy shit, no one has called me miserable before. How many people can say that NFL scouts are attending their games just to see them? I’m one of the luckiest people I know.
She must sense my unease, because her face softens. “I mean…I’m sure you’re not miserable, but it just seems that way to me. It’s probably because we’re built differently. I like parties and movie nights and painting, and you like…working out and taking supplements.”
When I snort out a laugh, she smiles sheepishly. “I’m sure you have a lot of other hobbies. I don’t know you that well.”
I scratch the back of my head. “I don’t do much else besides football, school, and church stuff, but that won’t always be the case. I’m good at delaying gratification. I can put in the work now for a later reward.”
“Damn,” she mutters. “I wish I had your discipline. It’s not fair. Have you always been this way?”
“Pretty much. I had a high GPA in high school, even though I was constantly busy with football and church. I don’t know, Lily.” I smile. “Maybe it’s all part of my brand of asshole. I don’t have a personality, right? It frees up a lot of time in my schedule.”
She scoffs. “You do have a personality. You know I was just being a dick when I said you don’t. My guess is you have high-achieving parents. I’ll bet they’re both top CEOs or something. That would explain why you live in the fanciest frat house in the whole Greek scene.”
“No,” I say immediately. “Nothing could be further from the truth. My brother pays for my tuition and rent, though I plan to pay him back someday. My dad left when I was eight, thankfully, but my mom has always struggled to make ends meet. That’s why I’m so on top of my grades and football performance. If I don’t make it to the NFL, I at least need a really good job. I want to take care of her, to make up for the fact that she had to work so hard to support me.”
Her eyes are wide and unfocused. “You said ‘thankfully.’”
I frown. “What do you mean?”
“You said ‘thankfully’ your dad left. That’s kind of a weird thing to say.”
My jaw tightens as I try to keep my voice steady. “Yeah, my dad is a giant prick. To both me and my mom. Everything had to be in perfect order. My mom had to keep the house spotless. I wasn’t allowed to step out of line in any way or else he’d lose it on me. As if he had the moral high ground.” Anger flares in my gut. “He expected perfection from us, and then he left. For another woman.”
“Ah.” Lily nods slowly. “That must be where your whole virgin thing comes from.”
The tension leaves my shoulders as I chuckle. I can never predict where her brain is going to go, which makes conversations with her a wild ride. I’m never bored.
“My virgin thing?” I say. “I’ve never heard it called that before. You mean my plan to save myself for marriage?”
“Yeah.”
I frown. “Why do you think that would have something to do with my dad?”
Lily’s brows draw together. “If I had a dad who wanted me to be all perfect and moral, and then he cheated on my mom… I’d probably be like, ‘Fuck you. I’ll be a virgin ’til I’m married just to show you I’m better than you.’”
Warmth fills my chest, and I want to kiss her yet again. I love the way she sees the world. It’s so Lily-centered, and yet it doesn’t feel selfish. It’s like she’s speaking from a place of unfiltered truth. She doesn’t give a shit if she appears selfish, and that makes her raw honesty comforting.
The truth is I do sometimes revel in my moral superiority over my dad. It’s a feeling I try to stifle, because it’s petty and prideful, but hearing it from Lily’s mouth makes me feel…less alone.
“That’s not why I’m a virgin,” I say. “Or at least, I don’t think it is, because I’m not a psychologist.”
She frowns. “Why are you a virgin? It’s so weird.”
“I love how blunt you are. I know it’s weird. I actually don’t think having sex outside of marriage is wrong for everyone. My brother is a pretty liberal pastor, and he helped me see that, but I know it’s wrong for me.”
She grimaces. “I don’t even want to get married. If I were you, I’d be committing to no sex at all.”
“Oh, yeah?” I say, trying to keep my voice light even as my chest fills with an uncomfortable heaviness.
This feeling isn’t rational. Why should I care that Lily doesn’t want to get married? It’s not like I’d ever want to marry her.
“Yep.” Lily flips her hair over her shoulder. “Men in our society think they own you if you’re married. Fuck that. I value my freedom more than anything.”
I swallow. “What if you found a guy who didn’t treat you like he owned you? A guy you trusted to respect your freedom?”
“Then he’d respect my wishes not to get married.” She narrows her eyes on my face. “And what about you? What if you fall in love with a woman who doesn’t want to get married?”
I shake my head sharply. “She wouldn’t be the woman for me. I know I want to get married. I know I want to stay a virgin until I do. It was a vow I made to myself and my future wife years ago, and I take vows seriously.”
Her eyebrows lift, and her mouth parts. She looks so appalled that I can’t wait to hear what she’s going to say next.
“Ethan.” Her voice is full of disbelief. “You don’t even know your future wife. She’s basically imaginary. And the only other person you made this vow to was yourself. Let me tell you something about a promise to yourself—” she raises both hands in the air “—no one’s going to punish you for breaking it.”
I smile, my body feeling as light as it has in months. “You bring up some excellent points, but you have to understand that I’m a Christian. We see the world differently.”
“I mean, I get it, but you didn’t even mention God when you talked about your virginity. Apparently, this vow was only to yourself and your future wife.”
Shock vibrates through my body, making my head grow fuzzy. Holy shit, she’s right. I somehow had an entire conversation about staying pure until marriage without even mentioning my relationship with God.
Because he feels so distant, like a memory that fades every time I reach for it.
Before I can respond, Lily’s eyes dart to a table in the corner of the coffee shop. Her lips curl into a mischievous smile. She sets her elbows on the wooden table and leans forward. “My crush is here,” she whispers.
Crush? What crush?
I whip my head in the direction of the table and spot a single guy in a group of girls. That must be him. He’s tall and lanky with light-blond hair. Relatively good-looking, I guess.
I dislike him on sight.
“Oh my God, Ethan,” Lily mutters. “You’re as obvious as a fire alarm.”
When my gaze flickers back to her, she’s glaring at me.
I sigh. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have looked at…your crush.”
“It’s alright.” Her expression grows cheeky. “You don’t know any better. You’re a tall, handsome man. The world gave you a free pass on developing social graces.”
I snort. “This again. I thought you said I do have a personality?—”
My lips close when the guy starts walking in our direction. Lily’s attention is fully on him now, her eyes sparkling. I clench my jaw, and a prickling heat spreads across my skin.
“Hey, Jake,” Lily says.
Jake. What a basic bro name.
Lily and Jake exchange polite conversation, something about a class they share, but I hardly hear them. My attention is fixed on the way Jake’s gaze lingers on Lily’s mouth.
My fists clench under the table. That pretty mouth of hers feels like it’s mine after kissing her.
What the hell is wrong with me? Lily has been with countless guys in the time since Noah introduced me to her over two years ago. I’ve never really liked it, but I never felt possessive of her.
I’m pulled out of my daze when Lily gestures at me. “This is Ethan, my brother’s best friend. He’s my new tutor. Don’t be shocked, Jake. I know you were probably thinking I’m a stellar student after all the times you’ve seen me sneak into class a half hour late.”
Jake grins at Lily like he’s delighted with her, and it takes all my willpower to keep from scowling at him.
I know Lily gave that overly wordy explanation about who I am for a reason. She wants to make it very clear to Jake that I’m not her boyfriend.
“It’s getting late,” I blurt out. “We should go soon.”
Lily looks startled as she glances at me, and I want to wince. I’m acting like a dick.
“Um…” Jake scratches the back of his head, looking nervous. He examines my face for a moment before turning to Lily. “Can I get your number? I feel like we hang out with a lot of the same people, but we’ve never connected for some reason.”
I want to scoff. What a spineless way to ask for a woman’s number, couching it in excuses. If I had a crush on Lily, I’d set a date with her for the very next day. Tell her outright that she’s the only woman I think about.
If I had a crush on her.
Lily’s face lights up as Jake hands her his phone. A sour taste rises in my throat. A moment later, Jake is gone, but I don’t feel any better.
“Ready to go, Grumplestiltskin?” Lily cocks a brow at me, her expression so accusing I want to wince.
“I guess I was rude to interrupt you guys.” I stand up from my chair. “I just wanted to get you home soon.” I shoot her a mock stern look. “You need to get to bed by nine o’clock, Greenwood. You’ll be getting a text from your coach in the morning to see if our sleep routine worked.”
She rolls her eyes as she grabs her bag from the floor. “What other fun activities do you have lined up for me?”
Her sass eases the tension in my shoulders. “Don’t use that tone with your coach, or I’ll make you do push-ups until you beg for mercy.”
She snorts. “I’ll be begging for mercy after one.”
A warm smile rises to my lips as we walk out of the coffee shop. I love how she embraces her flaws without a second thought.
“I want you to keep track of everything you do before bed and how much you sleep,” I say. “Be expecting daily texts from me over the next week.”
“Got it.”
An unexpected thrill runs down my spine. I ought to be alarmed that the prospect of texting her every day exhilarates me, but maybe it’s yet another sign that I’m exactly where God wants me.
I was called to help Lily, and damn it, I’m going to do it. If being close to her messes with my head, so be it. My will is stronger than my desires. I’m not in danger of kissing her again.