Chapter 8
Chapter Eight
L ily
The early morning light is soft, casting a gentle glow over the porch of my sorority house. I’m sitting cross-legged on an old wooden chair with a canvas propped up on an easel in front of me. As I move my brush, colors blend across the canvas. It’s quiet outside, except for the occasional chirping of birds and the faint rustle of leaves in the breeze.
It’s sometime after six a.m., and I slept five hours last night. An improvement. I forced myself to follow Ethan’s sleep ritual to the letter. He told me on our walk home last night that if I had to get up during the night, only relaxing activities were allowed. So when my brain wouldn’t stop buzzing around midnight, I came out here and set up this easel.
His advice worked. After about a half hour of painting in near darkness, I found myself nodding off. Without even cleaning my paints and palate in the sink, I wandered back into my room, plopped down on my bed, and drifted into oblivion for a few more hours.
It was heaven for a short while.
The porch door creaks, and footsteps thump on the patio. A moment later, Kinsley appears at my side. She’s still in her pj’s with a coffee cup in hand.
“Look at you,” she says, her voice raspy. “Painting at sunrise. What a romantic way to spend your morning.”
I dip my brush in a powder-blue paint. “It’s only because I’m an insomniac.”
Kinsley sighs. “Still?”
“Yep. Nothing works. I’ve even tried Ambien.” A smile rises to my lips. “Ethan made me drink chamomile tea last night, which was disgusting.”
“Ethan?” Kinsley’s voice is full of curiosity.
So I tell her the story of how Noah assigned Ethan to be my accountability partner. I even tell her about how Ethan has recently become my sleep coach.
Her eyes widen. “Sleep coach?”
“You know how Ethan is. So disciplined about everything. He’s turning my sleep into homework. Literally. He texted me a whole list of things to try each night, and he’s going to check in with me every morning to see how I slept.”
Kinsley cocks a brow. “I can think of a great way he can help you sleep. Too bad he’s saving himself for marriage.”
“We had a whole conversation about that yesterday. He told me he doesn’t think having sex outside of marriage is wrong, but it’s wrong for him. How bizarre.”
She nods slowly. “He’s talked about that in our church college group. Honestly…” She pauses for a moment. “He doesn’t seem like he cares that much about it—staying a virgin, I mean. It almost feels like… He’s trying to prove how disciplined he is.”
I snort. “As if he needs any more proof. That man is as uptight as a drill sergeant.”
“So true. No one needs to get laid more than he does. I’ve never believed in the whole purity culture bullshit. Jesus doesn’t care about our sex lives.”
“I don’t even know what purity culture is, but it sounds?—”
My phone buzzes on the small table beside me. My heart flutters when Ethan’s name appears. I reach down and unlock the screen.
Ethan: How many hours?
I shut my eyes as I smile. What an Ethan question. He needs to know the exact number of hours I slept. He might even be logging it on a spreadsheet for me. He’s so meticulous.
I type back quickly.
Me: Five hours, Coach.
“What’s got you smiling like that?”
Warmth blooms in my cheeks, but I try to maintain a calm expression. “Oh, just my lord and master checking in to make sure I slept.”
“Lord and master,” Kinsley mutters. “I never thought about it before, but your nickname for him is a little kinky. Maybe Ethan isn’t the only one with a secret crush.”
I roll my eyes even as my stomach flips. Kinsley’s teasing about Ethan having a crush on me doesn’t ring as false as it did before the kiss, and Ethan did seem almost jealous last night when Jake asked for my number. Why did I like it so much?
I don’t have a crush on Ethan. He’s not my type at all. Lately, I prefer guys like Jake, guys who make me feel at ease.
Then again, Ethan has been making me feel at ease recently. He’s been so warm and self-deprecating with me. The time we spent together yesterday evening was some of the most fun I’ve had in months.
Another text appears on my screen, and this time, the hairs on my arms stand up. My heart starts to pound, and my hands grow cold.
Mason: We need to talk. Soon.
This is now the second time in a few days that he’s requested to talk to me. Unusual for him. Generally, these texts come about once a month, a reminder not to tell anyone what didn’t happen. What does it mean?
I set my phone down with a thud, trying to push the anxiety aside. I don’t give a fuck about him. I’ll ghost him until the end of eternity.
Ethan
“So how is everything going with Lily?” Noah asks.
My eyes snap open. I lift my head from the cool window. The vibrations of the bus rumbling down the freeway always lull me into a state of hypnosis.
We just won a game against Sierra Valley—one of our toughest rivals. Normally, I’d be daydreaming about my performance, analyzing every route, every catch, every decision I made on the field.
It seems like all I can think about lately is a fiery girl with sparkling eyes. Every time, my stomach flutters and my breath catches.
It’s silly. I’m like a junior high boy with a crush.
Goddamn that impulsive decision to kiss her. It’s fucked up everything and made me fixate on her when I shouldn’t be thinking this way about my best friend’s little sister. I’ve been called by God to help her, damn it.
“She’s doing great,” I say. “We changed our approach. I’ve decided to become her sleep coach. She’s barely sleeping four hours a night because she’s so stressed about her grades.”
Noah frowns incredulously. “Her sleep coach? What do you mean?”
“I helped her come up with a sleep ritual. She’s going to wind down at night with a relaxing activity and testing a new sleep supplement. Next week, when we meet up, we’ll see if it worked.”
“You can’t only work on her sleep, Ethan. She’s got way more problems than just that. She has to improve her grades if she doesn’t want to get kicked out of college.”
I want to roll my eyes. Why does he have to be so hard on her? “She’s not like you and me. She’s the type of person who needs to tackle one problem at a time.”
Noah’s eyes narrow. “You seem to know a lot about her after one accountability session.”
My face heats. Does he suspect my interest in Lily is more than just that of the older brother figure he expects me to be? Maybe I’m giving something away. My whole body responds to the mere thought of her. Can he see how much I’m drawn to her by the look in my eyes?
I try to push the thought away. I can’t forget that I’ve been lying to Noah about the night Lily and I kissed. Guilt is making me paranoid.
“Believe it or not,” I say, “Lily and I are becoming friends. She still teases me constantly.” I smile, unable to help myself. “But we’re able to laugh together.”
Noah’s eyes widen. “That’s insane. I would have bet money you’d be ready to strangle her after one time meeting up with her. She’s certainly never liked you.”
A cold stone settles in my gut. I hate the idea that she’s never liked me. Why did I have to be such a dick to her?
Maybe Brandon and Mariana were right that I was repressing my attraction. Maybe my refusal to acknowledge that I want her left me feeling restless and irritated, which made me lash out.
It doesn’t matter. God has called me to help her, and that’s what I’m going to do. I can hold these feelings inside. I have the self-control of a monk.
I scratch the back of my head. “Yeah, well, she’s a pain, but we get along.”
Noah’s expression softens. “I’m glad you’re getting along. There’s no other guy I’d trust to be friends with my sister.”
Guilt squeezes my chest. He wouldn’t be saying that if he knew the full truth. I kissed his sister like I’ve never kissed anyone before.
What does that say about my integrity that I’m willing to lie by omission to save my own ego? Noah would most likely forgive me if I told him about the kiss. My fear is irrational. But he might not see me the same way again, and that thought is deeply unsettling.
Maybe my true fear is that I’ve never really known myself.