Chapter 20
Chapter Twenty
E than
Lily spins around the pole, her energy infectious. With a cocked brow, she blows kisses in my direction.
Fuck, I love her playfulness. I wish I could capture her sparkle like fireflies in a mason jar.
My body is as light as it’s been in years, and it isn’t because of the alcohol. Somehow, Lily has the power to unlock parts of me I didn’t even know were closed off. No one else in the world could have coaxed me up onto the stage, let alone make me feel so at ease while doing something as ridiculous as pole dancing in public.
Here I am, entranced by her vivacity, loving every second of it.
Noah would think I’ve lost my mind, taking his little sister out to get drunk and accepting her challenge to a pole dancing competition. He’d probably be more baffled than angry, thinking he never really knew me. The thought of breaking his trust should fill me with sick dread.
It doesn’t. Somehow, tonight, there’s only Lily and the strange quiet that settles in my heart whenever she’s around.
Lily arches her back, surprising me with a move that has her spinning upside down, her hair cascading toward the floor like a waterfall. Laughter lights her eyes, but there’s a sultry grace to her now, a deliberate teasing in the way she looks over at me before flipping upright once more.
Heat coils in my stomach, tight and urgent. I want this woman. In this moment, I want her so badly I could grab her from that stage and rush her back to my house, breaking my vow to save myself for my future wife.
It’s probably the alcohol thinking for me. I can’t allow myself to drink any more, or I’ll lose my head entirely.
The crowd erupts around me, drawing my attention to the guy making his way toward the stage. It’s the dude from earlier who was hovering over Lily and whispering into her ear. He walks up the steps and grabs the pole.
Oh. Fuck. No.
A dark surge of protectiveness takes hold of me, twisting my gut and making my hands clench into fists.
Lily’s eyes flash with a hint of annoyance as she spins away from him. She twists her hips and ducks under his outstretched arm. She’s not amused.
My feet pull me forward as if they have a will of their own. When I make it to the stage, I clamp my hand around the metal pole, using it to vault myself up beside them. Lily’s eyes meet mine, wide with surprise.
With effort, I smile lazily at the guy. “I hope you don’t mind if I steal my girlfriend back.”
He frowns in what looks like disbelief and maybe a hint of anxiety.
With that, I grab Lily’s waist and lift her into my arms. The crowd roars again, this time mixed with gasps and whispers.
Lily’s weight is nothing as I jump off the stage. Her arms drape over my shoulders. “Cheater!” she shouts. “You only did that because you wanted me to lose our?—”
I crash my mouth against hers to silence her. For a moment, the world fades away, and there’s nothing but the softness of her lips pressed against mine.
Fuck, I want to take her home. I want to crawl into that bed with her and assuage this unbearable ache inside.
It takes all my willpower to pull back and break the kiss. Her eyebrows shoot up. She bites her bottom lip, her cheeks turning a delightful shade of pink. “You kissed me.”
I smile. “I did.
She stares at me for a long moment. “I thought you… You said you were never going to do it again.”
My whole body grows tense. Holy shit. I vowed I would never kiss her again, and I just did it on a whim.
Why the fuck don’t I feel bad about it? If Noah were here, he would kill me, and I don’t even care.
I’m changing. Becoming someone I don’t know.
My sole connection to God has been a strong inner sense of right and wrong. If I don’t have that, what does my faith even mean?
“I like it when you kiss me, Ethan. I wish you’d never made that promise.”
My gaze snaps to her face, my pulse pounding against my throat. “Really?”
When she nods, an overwhelming warmth washes over me. I’m never as light and easy and joyful as when I’m with her. Would it be so bad to sin a little for a single night? I won’t go any further than kisses, and I can go back to my normal, principled self tomorrow when I’m sober.
I lift my hand and brush my thumb over her full bottom lip. “If you’re okay with it, I am too. You were the one who told me promises to ourselves don’t matter.”
She smiles mischievously. “Especially stupid promises.”
I touch the tip of her nose. “Especially those.”
A while later, we’re sitting at the bar, and I ask the bartender for two waters. When I glance over my shoulder at Lily, her gaze is fixed on her phone. Her brows are knit together, and her mouth is slightly open.
“Everything okay?” I ask.
Her gaze flickers to mine, and something that looks like wariness creeps into her eyes. “Remember Jake?”
“Yep.” The word comes out tight, clipped. I lean against the bar and tap my fingers against the wood.
She pauses for a beat, as if considering her words. “He asked me to go out with a group of friends tomorrow night. He wrote me almost an entire novel, telling me he knows it’s last minute and his feelings won’t be hurt if I say no. I think he was nervous, which is…kind of cute, actually.”
A prickling sensation crawls up my spine, and a molten heat surges in my chest. I’m not jealous that she called him cute. That would be stupid.
She already told me she likes him. There’s nothing new about this.
“Yeah?” I say tightly.
She’s watching me closely now. Am I showing my discomfort?
“Should I say yes?” she asks.
The hairs on my arms stand up. Somehow, I get the feeling that she’s calling me out. I kissed her, and I told her I wasn’t troubled by it. I hinted I might even do it again. Is she goading me to tell her no, that the thought of her with another man makes me want to hit something?
I don’t have the right to tell her no. I’ve already crossed so many lines tonight. If she likes this guy, she should go out with him. She and I have no future. Even if Noah lets go of his stupid rule, my first girlfriend will be my future wife.
So why am I so conflicted? Lily will probably have a string of boyfriends in the future. If I don’t want to be with her, I’ll have to get over it. She’ll always be a part of my life through Noah, even if I make it to the NFL and move to a different state when college ends in eight months.
An image flashes in my mind of Lily years from now. She’s sitting across from me at a restaurant table with a faceless man by her side and a baby on her lap.
She’s laughing. Laughing with that infectious joy that calls to me like the first rays of sunlight after a long, cold night.
Longing grips my chest so tightly that it steals the breath from my lungs.
“Are you okay?” she asks, a crease forming between her brows.
No, I’m not okay. I’m plummeting off a precipice.
I take a deep breath to calm my buzzing thoughts. “If you like him, you should say yes.” There’s a painful heaviness in my heart as I say the words, but I’ll have to live with it. Pain is a part of life. It will make me stronger.
The thought isn’t comforting.
“Really?” Her voice is laced with a hint of surprise. Or is it disappointment? “It’ll be my first date since…everything happened with Mason.”
“Do you trust this guy?” My voice is sharper than I intended.
Lily’s gaze holds mine, her eyes deep gray pools of unreadable emotion. Her fingers hover over the screen of her phone. Then she starts tapping rapidly. My heart pounds as she presses the send button with a flick of her thumb.
“I just told him yes,” she says. “To answer your question, I don’t know him well enough to trust him, but I like his vibe. Plus, we’ll be out with other people.” Her smile doesn’t reach her eyes. “I’m proud of myself. This is a step toward healing, I think.”
I try to smile, but my muscles are too tight. I ought to be happy. This is a good step for her.
But fuck, I don’t want her going out with another man. I’ll be waiting at home, agonizing over what she’s doing.
“Good.” The word tastes like ash in my mouth. “I’m proud of you, too.”