Chapter 21
Chapter Twenty-One
E than
“Are you okay?” Noah asks. “You seem distracted.”
I fight the urge to wince. I came to this bar after our game to distract myself from Lily, not spend the whole night thinking about her. Noah gets the same beer every time, and I sip my water while we watch footage on my iPad of our next opposing team, analyzing their defensive schemes. It’s our ritual.
Not tonight. I didn’t even remember to throw my iPad in my gym bag this afternoon.
All I can think about is Lily and her date tonight. My whole body is buzzing with tension.
What if she falls for him?
I’m a fool for even caring. I’ve made my choice. My vow to my future wife is more important than my seemingly unquenchable thirst for Lily. I couldn’t share my bed with her last night when we got home from the clubs. I knew if I did, I would be lost. I’d kiss her again, and that would lead to who knows what.
It ought to alarm me. I’ve never even considered breaking my purity pledge until now, and I’ve had millions of opportunities to do so between high school and college.
Where is God? He normally fills my heart with guilt. Even over petty sins like white lies or the feeling of envy. But after calling me to help Lily that day on my jog, he’s gone silent.
For the first time in my life, I feel abandoned by him, and it fills me with a simmering anger. It’s eerily similar to the day my mom and I came home from an away game to find every trace of my dad’s existence wiped from our house.
“I’m fine,” I say a touch too quickly. “I’m stressed lately because of… You know…all the pressure of finishing this season strong.”
He leans forward, his fingers tapping on the wooden table. “You’re killing it, Ethan. You have no reason to— Oh shit.” He points a finger over my shoulder. “Speaking of which… There you are on TV.”
When I crane my neck, there I am, sprinting across the screen. The ball shoots toward my outstretched hands. I grasp it for a moment before it slips through my fingers and falls with a bounce.
A moment later, an announcer appears on the screen. “It’s been tough for this young man,” he says. “There were a lot of expectations after his performance against Redwood State last year. You just have to wonder if the pressure of the moment is getting to him.”
Noah snorts. “Because of one dropped pass?”
I take a sip of my water. “It was my second of the game. Thank God we won, or else they probably wouldn’t be talking about me at all.”
It’s crazy that I can’t even bring myself to care what the commentators say. All I can think about is the night ahead of me.
Waiting for Lily to come home will be agony. What if she doesn’t come home at all? One-night stands are common among most college students, and Lily might see safe, consensual sex as a step toward healing. Though she hasn’t explicitly said so, I doubt she’s had sex with anyone since Mason.
An image flashes in my mind. Her beautiful face flushed and glistening with sweat. Those stormy-gray eyes dark and hooded. A body covers her, grinding into her rounded hips.
Fuck. I have to get out of here. I’m spiraling, and I don’t want Noah to see.
Plus, I want to get home before she leaves. I won’t contemplate why just yet.
“I gotta head out,” I say as I slide out of the booth.
Noah frowns. “Dude, you’d better not be freaking out over what that commentator said. Like you said, they wouldn’t be talking about you at all if you hadn’t single-handedly turned that game around.”
That’s not what I said, but I won’t correct him. Now that I’ve made the decision to go home, my heart is thumping so hard it feels like it might burst out of my chest. “It’s not that. I just remembered…something I have to do.”
Noah’s brows knit together. “Um…okay. See you tomorrow.”
He’s obviously puzzled by my odd, restless behavior, but I can’t stay any longer to explain myself. The urgency to leave is pulsing within me.
I have to get home before she leaves for her date.
I jump into my car and race through the streets. Probably a mistake given the fact that getting pulled over by a cop is the last thing I need right now. I can’t seem to stop myself. My grip tightens on the steering wheel, and my knuckles turn white.
What am I planning to do, stop her from leaving? Tell her I can’t stand the thought of her in the arms of another man? What then?
I haven’t answered my own questions by the time I pull up in front of the frat house. After rushing through the front door, I slam it behind me. I force myself to take measured steps up the stairs to my room, but it’s difficult. I’d much rather take them two at a time. I take a deep breath before opening the door.
And there she is.
She turns to me, smiling, and my knees start to tremble. Her red hair hangs over her shoulders in soft waves. Her lips are painted in a dark, bold color that contrasts starkly with her fair skin. That burgundy dress clings to her curves, revealing her long, shapely legs.
“You look gorgeous,” I croak out.
What an understatement. She’s a fucking masterpiece.
She shoots me a cheeky expression before sauntering over to my closet mirror. She sways her hips from side to side as she examines herself. “I’m way overdressed, but I don’t care. This is my first date in months, so I’m making it count.” She twists around, flipping her hair over her shoulder. “If Jake’s mouth doesn’t drop open when he sees me, I’ll question his taste.”
I swallow, inwardly begging my pulse to slow down. “You’ll have to send him packing. No sense going on a date with a dumbass.”
She tilts her head to the side as she stares at me. Did I say too much? I don’t want her to go, damn it, but I thought I made it sound lighthearted and unserious.
“I disagree,” she says. “Dummies can be fun, at least short-term. You know how I love to have fun.”
Jesus, help me. What does she mean by fun? Is she talking about sex?
Anxiety grips my chest, making my vision blur.
She glances at her phone and winces. “I need to head to the front of the sorority house. He’s picking me up there since I didn’t want… You know, to have him think I live in a frat house.”
My smile feels like more of a grimace. “Which you do. In my bedroom.”
She narrows her eyes, looking puzzled. Maybe she heard the dark possessiveness in my voice. But if she has a question, she doesn’t ask. She walks to the door, and a wave of panic rises within me like a growing tide.
This feels like a final goodbye, like after this date, she’ll be forever lost to me.
The dam breaks. A flood of smothering fear makes the words rise to my tongue as if of their own will.
“Lily, don’t go.”
It’s a plea to give herself to me, if only for tonight.
Where is my faith? Where is my commitment to my future wife? They’ve drifted away like a half-remembered dream, slipping farther from my grasp each time I reach for them.
“What?” she asks with her back to me.
“Don’t go.” The words are a rasp. “Please.”
She turns around, her eyes wide. “I already asked you if I should go. You said yes. You even told me you were proud of me.”
I shut my eyes tightly. “Why did you ask me?”
She inhales a sharp breath. “I don’t know. I guess because I was trying to understand you. You kissed me weeks ago and promised it would never happen again. Then you kissed me again last night. What does it mean? Were they both mistakes?” She crosses her arms over her chest. “If you want me to cancel my date, you need to give me a damn good reason.”
I shatter inside, splitting into two people. One is full of a dark, aching need, desperate to keep her close, to make her mine in every possible way. The other is furious with the inconstancy she pointed out, that my integrity has seemed to slip through my fingers.
My body and my soul call out for her, but my will is stronger. I’ve proved that, haven’t I? I’ve denied myself so many pleasures over the years, all in service to my faith.
But what has my faith ever given me? Nothing but a rote, lifeless existence.
My resolve crumbles like dry earth under the sun. Years of self-control flow out of me in a rush, and a radiant warmth spreads through my veins.
I close the distance between us in two long strides. My hands find the soft curves of her arms, and I yank her against me.
The kiss is not gentle. It’s a storm unleashed. My tongue rubs against hers in a frenzy as I explore the depths of her mouth. My hands roam down her hips, pulling her against me. She moans against my lips, sending a surge of electricity from my gut to the tips of my fingers and toes.
She breaks the kiss suddenly and stares up into my eyes.
My knees buckle. I steady myself and rest my chin on the top of her head. “Stay with me,” I murmur. “For the night.”
Her breathing is unsteady, but not as ragged as mine. I sense the hesitation in her, the indecision.
“What do you mean, Ethan?”
“Stay with me.” My throat catches. “In my bed. Our bed.”
She grows utterly still, her chest rising and falling in shallow breaths. “You say it’s our bed, but you didn’t share it with me last night.”
“I wanted to.” I lift my hand and stroke her cheek. “And I want to now. More than anything.” I flinch. “Shit.”
What am I doing? I’m practically begging her to sleep with me when I’m not sure if she’s ready for such a big step after what Mason did? “Sorry, I’m not thinking straight. I only want you to stay with me if it’s what you want. If you’re ready.”
“I am ready.” She lifts her hand to my face, and I close my eyes at her touch, leaning into her warmth. “But are you? If you mean what I think you do…you’d be sinning.”
“It might be a sin,” I say. “But I want to do it anyway.”
Her eyes grow hooded. She lifts onto her toes and presses a soft kiss on my lips. “Alright then. I’ll stay.”
She pulls out her phone, and her fingers move rapidly over the small keyboard. A blue bubble rises onto the screen. “It’s done,” she says. “Poor Jake is figuring out his date is extremely flaky, but it’s okay. He would have learned eventually.” She smiles lazily. “I would have slept with you days ago if you had asked.”
Her words fracture my last vestiges of doubt. With trembling hands, I lift her into my arms and carry her to the bed, the heat of her seeping into my skin. Her phone falls from her hand and thumps on the carpet.
“Thank you,” I whisper as I set her down gently. She lies back, her bright hair spreading over my pillow. She looks like an angel with her clear-gray eyes and delicate features.
The corners of her lips lift into a sweet smile. “You’re welcome.”
My hands shake as I reach for the hem of her dress. I peel the fabric away, lifting it over her head. The room is quiet, my ragged breaths the only sound.
When I finally see her bare, my heart stops beating.
Her skin glows like moonlight, her small tits shapely and round with delicious pink nipples. Every curve and line of her body calls to something deep inside, like I’ve been aching to touch her for a thousand years.
“Lily,” I rasp.
Her lips quirk. “Now it’s your turn to take your clothes off.”
I shake my head sharply. “Not yet.”
I want to drink her in first.
After sitting down on the bed, I grab her thighs and spread them apart, revealing her pink, glistening pussy. My gaze is locked, as if she might disappear like a fleeting dream.
“Beautiful.”
I want to worship every inch of her. Starting now.
I lower my mouth between her legs, her scent both sweet and earthy. It grows only stronger when my mouth hits her skin.
Her taste is intoxicating.
As my tongue traces the outline of her folds up to her clit, her body trembles, and she lets out a low moan. Her hips buck, and I grip them tightly.
“Oh God, Ethan.”
Her words fill me with a dark, aching need. I want more. I need to drink my fill before this exquisite pleasure is out of my reach forever.
She whimpers, filling my chest with an unbearable pressure. I jerk back, panting.
“I think we might…” I swallow. “I need to take this slow.”
She smiles dreamily. “Take all the time you need.”
I lift myself off the bed and pull my shirt over my head, dying to feel the heat of her skin against mine. When I pull my pants down, my cock springs out. I look up to find Lily staring at it, her eyes wide. “Oh, wow.” Her voice is raspy. “You really are a big guy.”
Even in this otherworldly state of longing, she can make me smile. “Please stop staring at it. Just tasting you made me…really wound up.”
Wound up. What a trivial way to describe the closest I’ve ever come to heaven. I can almost feel my need for God draining from my body, like a candle flickering out in the dark. A new light fills the void.
Lily. My darling, sassy girl.
“Ethan,” she says softly.
“What?” my voice is choked.
“I know how it is for a guy on his first time. I was a virgin once, too. You don’t have to worry about how long you last. We have all night.”
All night.
All night buried in her heat. If God strikes me down in the morning, it will be worth it.
“Thank you,” I say.
I take a step toward the bed and then halt when a thought occurs to me. “Shit, Lily. I don’t have a condom.”
She waves a hand. “I’ve been on birth control since high school to keep my periods regular. I’ve also been to the gyno since…the last time, so I know I’m clean.”
When I nod, her eyes glint with mischief. “You’ll like how it feels without a condom.”
I groan. “I’m going to like how it feels no matter what.”
What an understatement. Pleasure is already shooting through my veins from just looking at her. As I lay my body down on hers, the connection of our skin is electric. She’s so damn soft. I shift to the side so I can more easily touch her.
I roam my hands over her, wanting to commit every inch of her to memory so I’ll have something to keep me warm during the desolate nights of my uncertain future. I trace my fingers down her neck and over her collarbone. When I reach the delicious swell of her breast, I rub my thumb over her nipple.
She sighs. “That feels good.”
I stare down at the pink bud. It’s as pretty as a flower.
My hand travels down over her soft belly and into the crease between her legs. She spreads them open to give me access, and I rub my finger over her folds. The wetness makes me hiss, and arrows of pleasure shoot through my limbs.
“Fuck, I need you now.” A bead of perspiration trickles down my temple. “Please tell me you’re ready for me. I might die if I can’t be inside you soon.”
She smiles, reaching her hand up and stroking my hair. “I’m ready, big guy.”
Big guy. A nickname that usually warms me but now fills me with a dark, heady possessiveness. What she means is I’m her big guy. Only hers.
And she’s mine.
All mine.
I hoist my body up and crawl over her. The mattress sinks underneath my weight. When I grab my cock and try to guide myself inside her, my hands are shaking, making me clumsy.
She reaches between our hips and wraps her hand around me, her soft touch sending electricity into my gut. “Let me.” She positions my cock at her entrance, and I start to push forward.
Oh, holy fuck.
Her searing heat sends a shockwave through my whole body. My soul is consumed by wickedness. I want to crush her. Fill her with my come and mark her as mine forever. I shut my eyes tightly, willing myself to calm down.
I have to be soft with her. If I bring back even the faintest memory of the last time she did this, I’d never forgive myself.
“I trust you, big guy,” she croons, as if reading my mind. “Don’t hold back.”
“You feel like heaven,” I say breathlessly.
“So do you.”
As I move deeper inside her, pleasure coils inside me like a spring. She’s so tight and hot. With one last thrust, I’m fully inside.
The world turns to color like fireworks exploding against a dark sky.
“Jesus Christ,” I grit out. “I can’t stand it. It’s too much.”
She lifts her hand to my face. “Give in to it, Ethan. Don’t hold back.”
When she swivels her hips against mine, my head is pulled down into something dark and primitive. Instinct takes over. I pull my cock almost all the way out from within her and bring my hips crashing back. “You’re mine.”
“Yes,” she pants.
“I’ll never let you go.” Another thrust. “This is sacred, what we’re doing. You belong to me now.”
A deep, distant voice tells me my words are that of a madman, but I couldn’t stop if I tried. I’m no longer me, but a creature shaped by the pulse of ancient forces.
“Yes, Ethan. I belong to you.”
A tidal wave of ecstasy washes over me, and a roar resonates through the room.
Mine, I realize moments later.
“I need more,” I say, still panting. “I want to fuck you all night long.”
She giggles, a sweet, musical sound. “Your wish is my command, oh lord and master.”