Chapter 32
Chapter Thirty-Two
E than
I dreamed about Lily last night. She had a fever, but this time, she was so sick that Dr. Carter came to my room to see her. After one look at her lying listlessly on my bed, he told me she wasn’t going to make it.
I started screaming at him, demanding that he do more. I listed a slew of medical procedures he needed to try before he gave up, because apparently, I’m an overbearing control freak even in my sleep. He wouldn’t listen. He left the room, and a profound powerlessness settled over me.
Some things can’t be fixed. The world is full of suffering. It’s inevitable, even when you stand by your principles and strive to make the right choices.
I crouched down by my bed next to my sassy girl. She was lifeless, barely moving. I gripped her hand, wanting to beg her to stay, to tell her I’d be nothing without her. My life would lose its meaning.
I couldn’t speak. My voice was frozen.
The last thing I remember is stroking her red hair with the haunting certainty that I’d never see it again.
When I woke up, my eyes were wet.
Dreams are bizarre. Lily isn’t dead. Her vibrant spirit will continue to light up the world.
But not mine. I’ll be a footnote in her story, a brief disappointment. Boring, predictable Ethan Harrington who chose himself over her wishes.
“Are you listening, Ethan?” Coach Rodriguez asks.
I let out a heavy sigh. He just told me the university administration has decided to keep me on the team without disciplinary action. I ought to be ecstatic, and here I am, ruminating about death and suffering. When did football drop so low on my list of priorities?
Probably around the time Lily started staying with me.
“Yeah,” I say. “I’m really…lucky.”
He leans forward, placing his elbows on his desk. “This doesn’t mean anything about your draft prospects, so don’t think you got off scot-free. Your behavior on the field, your character… It all matters. GMs will think twice about drafting a loose cannon who might punch the quarterback after a bad game. It’s all over the damn news. I’m sure you’ve seen it.”
“I have,” I say, but it’s a lie. The only way I know that me punching Mason has been replayed on sports news shows is from texts I’ve gotten from teammates.
Coach is quiet for a long while, examining my face with narrowed eyes. “It doesn’t add up. I know your character. That wasn’t like you. You’re not the type of player to punch a teammate because he threw a bad pass.”
I laugh humorlessly. “It was actually a pretty decent pass for Mason.”
“Stop,” Coach says sharply. “I think you’re brushing this off because you’re trying to avoid telling me what happened. What did he say to you out there?”
“I never thought a good boy like you would fall for a slut.”
I blink hard to clear the memory. “He said something…really ugly about a girl I like.” When my throat grows tight, I swallow hard. “A girl I love.”
Coach nods slowly, as if expecting me to say more.
I stay silent, staring at the wooden desk. Was punching Mason the right thing to do? I’m not even sure anymore. Nothing feels right now that Lily is gone.
All I know is that nothing could have stopped me from throwing that punch. Even after everything he did to her, he called her that ugly word. Like she’s nothing. Like she’s trash. The truth is that he’s trash, and she’s as radiant and essential as the sun.
Coach crosses his arms over his chest. “Well, it’s not over, so don’t start slacking off. The Redwood State game on Saturday could save you. Your performance against them last year sealed your draft prospects. You’re too talented to ignore.”
“Yeah, maybe.”
His jaw clenches. “You need to think hard about your future. This won’t be the only time you face provocation on the field. People will say things to get under your skin, to make you lose control. You have to be better than that. You have to rise above it.”
I nod slightly, but I still say nothing. It’s impossible to pretend like I care about football right now.
The shrill ring of my phone cuts through the tension. I glance down and see Kinsley’s name lighting up the screen. What the fuck? I didn’t even realize I had her number programmed in my phone. “I need to take this.”
Coach nods. “Go ahead.”
I swipe the screen and bring the phone to my ear. “What’s up, Kinsley?”
“Is Lily with you?” Her tone is urgent, and my heart hitches, beginning to pound against my chest.
“No.” My voice is strained. “What’s going on?”
“She told Lorelai she was going for a hike on Inspiration Point. She was supposed to be back hours ago. I’m sure she’s fine, but it’s dark now, and we’re all worried. I’ve been trying her phone, and it just goes straight to voicemail.”
A cold wave washes over me, my pulse throbbing in my ears. I leap up from the chair. “I’ll go look for her. Are you sure she said Inspiration Point?”
“Positive. Do you want me to come with you?”
“No. I’ll go alone.”
She’ll only slow me down. She doesn’t have the stamina to run to the top of Inspiration Point.
Or the motivation.
After I hang up, my gaze snaps to Coach. His expression is a mixture of concern and confusion. “The girl I mentioned… She’s missing. I’m sorry to cut our meeting short.”
He stands up from his chair. “Go,” he says, and I dart toward the door, halting at the sound of Coach’s voice. “Ethan.”
I turn around, my body itching to get out of this room. “Yeah?”
“Try to resolve your personal struggles before Saturday. Your head needs to be in the game.”
I nod once. “Absolutely.”
Except the truth is I don’t even care. I need to find Lily, so I run from his office as if a fire is chasing me.