Chapter 33
Chapter Thirty-Three
L ily
Sometimes I wish I had a god. Sure, I don’t like being told what to do or having my freedom restrained. But a little advice—gently given, of course, no tyrannical deities for me—would be nice right now.
Ethan is so certain about right and wrong. I don’t think he even has to ask for advice. An inner voice is always guiding him, making him confident in all his decisions.
“He deserved what he got.”
Ethan was so certain about it, like that punch in the face was sanctioned by the divine.
Outside of the incident on the field yesterday, I’ve grown to love his convictions. He’s trustworthy, dependable, like a boulder in a river.
In my life, I’m the river. Flowing ceaselessly and splitting in different directions. Fun and freedom are my guiding light, and I run away at the first sight of pain. I’m not even sure if I believe in right and wrong.
Was I selfish for making Ethan promise not to take action against Mason? Yesterday, he’d seemed ravaged by the burden of what I’d told him, which I’d somehow never noticed before.
It makes sense given his character. The weight of his own principles must have been pressing down on him, fighting with his promise to stand by my wishes.
I hate the thought of my big guy being troubled, having to shoulder the consequences of my decisions. I thought I was standing up for my needs, but was it worth it if I made Ethan compromise himself?
I love him, just as he is—my darling control freak who always considers my needs. Who takes care of me when I refuse to take care of myself.
What would happen if I gave in to his moral code for the chance to have that blissful happiness with him? Would he use that to restrict my freedom?
I’m startled by a distant sound. A rustling of some kind.
Shit. When did it get dark? I’ve been sitting on this boulder for who knows how long as I process the events of yesterday. I can barely see the ocean. There’s just a sliver of moonlight sparkling near the horizon.
A moment later, frantic footsteps pound against a rocky path. A rush of adrenaline prickles my skin. A beam of light slices through the darkness. I recoil, pressing myself against the cold stone at my back to hide.
“Lily, is that you?” Ethan’s hoarse voice cuts through the night, and I let out the breath I was holding.
His body emerges from the shadows, his silhouette framed by the flashlight’s glare. As he steps closer, the light falls away, and I switch on my phone’s flashlight to see him better. His chest rises and falls rapidly, his shirt clinging to his torso. What the hell is he doing here, and why is he soaking wet?
“Did you go swimming or something?” I ask.
“Swimming?” Ethan’s voice is a sharp bark. “No, I didn’t go swimming, Lily.” His breath comes in ragged gasps. “I’m soaked in sweat because I’ve been running uphill for forty-five damn minutes straight trying to find you.”
His eyes burn with an intensity that makes my heart stutter.
He throws up his hands. “What are you doing up here in the dark? Alone? It’s not safe. You should never hike alone at night, Lily. Never.”
Anger flares suddenly. Here I was softening toward him, and he’s come to remind me that he’s a tyrant.
“I came up here to clear my head,” I say. “A lot happened yesterday. Do I need to refresh your memory?”
His stern expression falters for a moment, but the fire quickly reignites behind his eyes. “I’m not the only one worried. Kinsley called me. Your whole house was expecting you back by now. They’ve been trying to call you for hours.”
Guilt edges into my anger. “I don’t think there’s any reception up here,” I mutter.
He runs his fingers through the wet hair matted to his head, his hand shaking. “I’ve been losing my fucking mind. Using this goddamn flashlight to check the ravines in case you’d fallen. I don’t think I’ve ever been—” His lips close. He sets a hand on his chest as he takes a deep breath. “I’ve ever been so scared in my life.”
As he stands there panting, I finally take in his appearance. His disheveled hair is plastered to his forehead, and his cheeks are bright red. Beneath the flush, his face is drawn and there are dark circles under his eyes.
“I’m sorry I made you worry,” I say. “But really, Ethan, this is getting old. You don’t seem to trust me to protect myself. I’d think after everything that happened yesterday, you’d have learned…”
I can’t say any more, because I don’t even know my own heart. I’m warmed that he still cares this much for me after my condemnation of him yesterday, but I don’t know what to do. Could I be in a relationship with someone who draws such hard lines between right and wrong? Someone who’s so overbearingly protective that he makes decisions for me without considering my feelings?
Plus, I don’t even know if he wants a relationship with me. We’ve never really talked about it. The brief fling we had was like a haven. We were in a private world of just the two of us.
“I don’t have the right to care about you?” Ethan spits out. “No, I guess not. I’ve been banished for being myself and standing up for what I thought was right. You left me!”
I flinch at his words. The pain in his face is almost unbearable to see.
Ethan grimaces. “I came home, and all of your things were gone. It was hell, Lily. Worse than?—”
When he shuts his eyes, bewilderment expands like a balloon within me. “Worse than what?” Oh no. Guilt sinks my gut like a stone. How could I have forgotten that his dad left him and his mom so suddenly? How he’d been the most vulnerable I’d ever seen him when he told me that story. “Like when your dad left.”
He inhales a shaky breath. “My mom and I came home from an away game one weekend, and…” He shakes his head. “You can probably guess the rest.”
I didn’t think at all. I was making a statement. This is what happens when you cross me, Ethan Harrington.
It was thoughtless and selfish.
“I’m sorry, Ethan.” My voice barely carries over the breeze that has picked up and is rustling the leaves around us. “I didn’t think…” I shut my eyes, straining to find the words. “I left your house because I was pissed off. That was as far as I thought. I wasn’t trying to hurt you, but I felt so… I still feel so…betrayed.”
Ethan grunts, shaking his head. “Strange that someone standing up for you would make you feel betrayed, especially when you don’t seem to have any desire to stand up for yourself.”
Anger flares suddenly, dampening my sympathy. How dare he call me out because my beliefs don’t happen to match his. The truth is he broke a promise to me, and he still won’t own up to it.
He’s rigid and stubborn. He would walk all over me if I let him.
I push myself off the boulder and march in his direction, stopping inches away from his chest. His musky scent washes over me, reminding me of his crazy sprint up the trail. My God, he really is soaked from head to toe in sweat. I’d probably laugh if I weren’t ready to bite his head off.
“I do stand up for myself,” I say. “And my own needs, which you completely ignored when you punched Mason. I don’t need to prove anything to you. I never claimed to have my shit together.”
His eyes narrow. “What if there are others, Lily?”
I frown. “What do you mean, others?”
“What if you’re not the only woman Mason’s hurt? Hell, think about the women he might hurt in the future. Would you be willing to stand up for them?”
His words hit me like a slap. Dizziness descends over me, causing the world around me to spin and distort.
Other women.
Why have I never thought of that before? My stomach churns at the thought of them—maybe a freshman, young and scared, caught in the same nightmare. An eighteen-year-old version of me flashes in my mind. How would she have handled it?
She didn’t know herself yet. Going to parties and getting drunk were her way of adjusting to the overwhelming new world around her. If someone had hurt her deeply, she would have been lost.
Is there a girl like her out there somewhere on campus that feels alone and vulnerable? I see her lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, unable to sleep. Every small noise in the hallway makes her jump. She’s wondering if this is the new normal, if she’ll live the rest of her life in fear, exhaustion, and bone-deep loneliness.
I’m going to be sick.
“Lily.” Ethan’s voice is a caress. He reaches out and strokes my cheek with his fingers. “My sweet, sassy girl. It wouldn’t be your fault. I didn’t mean that.”
My eyes mist over, and I take a steadying breath. “I want to go home.”
He stares at me for a moment before nodding. “Let’s go.”