Chapter 34
Chapter Thirty-Four
E than
I grip the steering wheel so tightly my knuckles turn white, the muscles in my forearms straining. My gaze darts in Lily’s direction. She’s as still and quiet as the dead. It’s so unlike her, and it’s all my fault. With careless words, I tossed a heavy burden on her shoulders that doesn’t belong there.
I never should have brought up the possibility of Mason hurting other women. She’s not responsible for him doing anything to anyone else. Quite the opposite. It’s people like me—unharmed by the perpetrator—who need to take a stand.
As we pull up in front of the sorority house, my throat tightens. I swallow hard and turn to her, and my heart sinks. She looks so small, so fragile. The need to reach out and touch her, to offer comfort, is overwhelming.
I don’t have the right, and it’s a physical pain in my chest.
Who cares about standing up for what you believe in? If it means losing the woman I love, what is it even worth?
“I’m sorry,” I say, my voice barely above a whisper. “I’m sorry for what I said. You don’t have to think about anyone but yourself. It’s not your responsibility to take care of Mason’s victims, assuming there even are more. That’s on us. The people who…” I swallow. “The people who love you.”
Life sparks in her eyes, and my heart starts to pound. I sit for what feels like an eternity waiting for her to respond.
“You’re such a good person,” she finally says, and my stomach plummets.
Not the response I was hoping for, but then again, it was a rather weak confession of love. In fact, it sounded almost familial. Like she’s just one of the many people I love. Not the heartbeat that keeps me alive.
“I’m not a good person,” I say. “I’m just a try-hard. Inside, I’m weak. I know what’s right, but it takes all my willpower to do it. I’ve realized that because of you. The reason I’m so…fucking uptight is because I’m not good on my own. Unlike you.” Unable to help myself, I reach out and stroke the fine strands of hair around her temple. “You’re good all on your own.”
She snorts. “I didn’t take you for a bullshitter, but then again, you’ve probably decided that making me feel better for being such a self-absorbed asshole is worth telling a lie. What good do I actually do? I have no principles.”
I shut my eyes, remorse washing over me. “What good do you do? People like me would live a joyless existence without firecrackers like you. You bring good to the world just by being yourself. Your energy, your passion, it lifts everyone around you, especially me. You make the world more vibrant, more alive.”
“That’s really sweet, Ethan.” Her voice is small, choked.
If she starts crying, I won’t be able to contain myself. I’ll have to take her in my arms. Hell, I might even carry her into my house and up to my room. Our room. Where she belongs.
She turns to me, and those stormy-gray eyes are full of pain, but there are no tears, which is somehow even worse. “What good is any of that if I’m selfish?” She shakes her head. “You were right. By staying silent, I could potentially hurt other people.”
I flinch. “No. I already told you, it’s not on you to?—”
“Who else could do it?” She raises her voice. “Who else could make Mason face consequences but a person he hurt?” Her lips quiver, and her gaze falls to her lap. “I hurt you too. The most wonderful man I know.”
“Lily.” Her name is a plea on my lips.
She turns to me and sets her hand on my cheek, and I lean into the touch. “We’ll talk soon. I have to fix this first. I’m determined.”
“What do you mean?—”
My heart jumps into my throat when her hand slips away and she opens the car door. I want to shout at her to come back. To tell her I love her and beg her to never leave me.
She shuts the door, and the chance is gone.
In a frenzy, I yank out my phone and pull up Brandon’s name. I need my brother right now. Someone who knows me. Who can anchor me.
I follow Brandon out of the kitchen and onto the balcony. Under the dim glow of the patio lights, he strides over to the outdoor fridge. He pulls out a beer, pops the lid, and promptly sits at the glass table beside me.
“You look like hell,” he says.
I snort. “Yeah, I don’t know if you heard, but I punched my own quarterback yesterday. In front of an entire stadium.”
Sarcasm, of course. He and my sister-in-law, Mariana, were in that stadium. He’s been calling me nonstop since it happened.
Brandon’s mouth grows tense, as if he’s fighting a smile. “The first thing Mari said when it happened was that the dude deserved it. She said she doesn’t know what he said to you, but she knows he deserved it.”
I huff. “He did, but it might have cost me my whole career. I made myself look like a deranged menace in front of scouts. What team wants to take on a liability like that?”
Brandon’s eyes narrow. “Tell me if I’m wrong, but I get the impression that you’re not as upset about what the scouts saw as you’re letting on. In fact, I don’t think that’s why you wanted to see me tonight. I think you want to talk about the girl who has driven you crazy for years.”
Brandon’s gaze is piercing, and I struggle to keep my expression neutral. He knows me well, but I wasn’t expecting him to get to the heart of my troubles so quickly.
I run my fingers through my hair and grip it tightly, sending tingles into my scalp. “I love her. I also… I lost my virginity to her.”
“I thought that might happen,” he says immediately, making me jerk back in my seat.
“You did?” I ask, incredulity making my head fuzzy. “You must know me a lot better than I know myself. I thought for sure I would save myself for my future wife. In fact, I thought that up until the moment I made the impulsive decision to have sex with Lily. The worst part is, I don’t feel any guilt. I’d do it all over again if I had the chance.”
“Ethan…” He shakes his head. “You know my thoughts on purity culture and how toxic it is, so I won’t preach to you about it. But it never seemed to me that your plan to stay a virgin until marriage held much conviction. It was like an item on one of your many internal checklists. Your proof to yourself that you have morals and discipline. That you’re a good person.”
Irritation sends prickles of heat over my skin. “What are principles if not a framework to live by? They’re my way of making sure I’m doing right by others and by myself. They’re not just a checklist, they’re my guideposts. Without them, I’d be lost.”
He reaches out and sets a hand on my shoulder. “You wouldn’t be. You’re stronger than you think. Principles are important, but they shouldn’t be a cage. Life is messy, and sometimes you have to bend a little. It doesn’t mean you’re lost. It means you’re human. I don’t know where you got the idea that you have to be perfect to be good.”
I scoff. “I don’t think I have to be perfect.”
“Then why do you beat yourself up over every little mistake? The way you just talked about losing your virginity…” He shakes his head. “You told me you love that girl. Why should you feel guilty for having sex with her?”
I let out a long sigh. “I made a vow to God that I would save myself for my wife, and at my first real temptation, I threw that vow out the window. I’ve barely thought about God at all since Lily came into my life. I haven’t even gone to church. She’s all I think about. I’m obsessed with her.”
His smile is almost pitying. “Love does that, and it’s a beautiful thing. God can handle it. He doesn’t need your constant attention. And maybe you don’t care about your faith right now because it hasn’t been kind to you. It’s too rigid. Too restraining. Maybe God is trying to tell you that you need to redefine your faith.”
“What does that even mean?”
Brandon leans closer, his dark eyes burning into mine. “It means faith isn’t a straitjacket. A god that demands a miserable existence of you isn’t a god at all.”
“Well, it’s the only God I’ve ever known. You’re one of his shepherds. Maybe have a talk with him about my miserable existence. See if he can do something about it.”
“I don’t think we have the same God. Mine isn’t as judgmental as yours. Mine brings me happiness and clarity.”
A tingling sensation spread through my body. It’s like I’ve been jolted awake from a long, restless sleep.
“Oh, fuck,” I mutter.
No wonder I became so obsessed with Lily. She brought something into my life that I never truly knew before. Blissful, aching joy. With her, I was free for the first time, unburdened by the heavy weight of my self-imposed expectations. I spent so many years trying hard to be perfect, to be nothing like my father. I used this idea of a rigid God and his rules to help me feel like I was righteous and deserving, but I was never happy.
I’m not sure if I even know the real God. It doesn’t matter if my old faith crumbles away. What matters is finding something real, something that brings me life and joy.
Right now, the only thing that feels real and true is her .
The real God can find me in his own time. For now, I’m going to work on gaining back the trust of the one girl who showed me what it means to live.
My darling, precious Lily.
I only hope it’s not too late.
“Brandon,” I say, my pulse pounding in my ears. “I fucked up. I betrayed Lily.”
His eyes widen. “Betrayed her how?”
I wave a hand. “It’s a long story, and it’s not my place to tell you the details. But that punch yesterday had nothing to do with the game. I punched Mason because I wanted to punish him, even after Lily made me promise I would stay out of it. The worst part is…I wouldn’t listen.” I shake my head, my thoughts growing fuzzy. “I acted like it was my moral obligation to punch him in the face.”
He laughs, a deep, hearty sound that resonates through the cool night air. “Moral obligation to punch him in the face. Oh, Ethan.”
My face heats. “It sounds fucking stupid after saying it aloud.”
“It sounds like you’re in love, and you wanted to protect your woman.”
I wince. “I shouldn’t have done it. Not when she made me promise. Her feelings should be so much more important than my need to avenge her. I think… It came from a dark place. Possessiveness. I want to protect her, to keep her safe from everything that could hurt her. But more than that, I want it to be my exclusive right. I want to be the center of her world, like she is mine.”
Brandon takes a slow sip of his beer. When he sets it down on the table, he stares at me for a long moment. “There’s nothing wrong with wanting to protect her, as long as you respect her autonomy. You can learn how to do that. We’re all a work in progress. Let this be your first lesson that you don’t have to be perfect.”
He’s right. I can grow and change, unlearn my rigid habits.
But the first thing I need to do is show Lily that I’m willing. That I’m ready to throw my idol of perfection and moral superiority into the fire.
I need to prove to her that I can be the man she needs—the man who respects her choices and stands by her side, no matter what. I want to be the partner she can lean on, not the hero who tries to solve everything for her.
I take a deep breath, a sense of determination raging like a fire within me. I can fix this. It’s time to let go of my old ways, to embrace a new path. I’ll show Lily that I’m not inflexible, that I’m willing to change because she’s worth it.
She’s worth everything.