18. Zack
Zack
“ D o you see me differently now?” Chloe asks, a tremor of vulnerability making her voice wobble.
“Yes, and no.”
Hurt fills her eyes.
“Yes, because you’re so much more than I thought you were.
You’ve been through so much yet you’re so fucking strong.
I never imagined I’d meet someone so willing to fight.
To get their hands dirty and bloody. But it also changes nothing.
I knew you had something special in you, and I was determined to find it.
When I saw that light, I wanted to snuff it out.
How dare you see any good in a world so full of suffering?
But, little sinner, I want to keep it burning.
For me and me alone. When I’m gone, I’ll be at peace knowing that fire is still well and truly alive. ”
Wide eyes stare at me, and the emotions they’re brimmed with are new yet familiar. I didn’t think I’d get to experience true love in this lifetime.
Chloe plucks another pill from the tin and places it on her tongue, then she cups the back of my head and kisses me. I fish the pill from her mouth, swallowing it along with her breath. She gives me life, but I fear it’s not enough to save me.
“Zack, I think I…”
I wait to hear the words I yearn for yet also dread. But they don’t come.
“I want to see the stars.” She giggles lightly, pulling away.
Turning the music up, she gets out of the car and leaves the door open so she can listen to more Sleep Token. Seems she likes this band. She’s got so much more to see of the world. So much to experience. A whole life to live.
I’m happy for her.
Her joy has filled a dark void in my heart.
I watch her from the ground as she climbs up onto the roof of the car and starts dancing to the music.
Her full hips sway, and her ass flashes at me from under my shirt that fits her perfectly as a mini dress.
Every time she turns away, her body taunts me to sink my teeth into every soft inch of it.
I’m drawn to her in ways I can’t describe. My cock has a persistent need to be ready to take her, and I know she wants that as well.
There’s something else though. Something that tugs at my chest, desperate to get to her.
She catches me watching and smiles so brightly that I see fireworks bursting from her soul, blinding me with its pure glow.
Stretching out her hand, she says, “Come dance with me.”
“I don’t dance. ”
“Will you try for me?”
That tug in my chest gets stronger. My body is pulled toward her by some unknown force, and I climb up onto the roof with her.
She laces her fingers around my neck, and my hands settle on her hips. Our eyes meet, and her smile fades, transforming into something deeper. Lust. Longing. Love.
Fuck.
I love her.
She hears the words without me having to speak them, and she stretches up to kiss me.
Her light floods me, filling all of me with everything that is her.
“Zack,” she moans into my mouth.
“I’m here, darlin’. I’m right here.”
We kiss like it’s our first time. Nothing exists outside of this moment. There has and only ever will be us.
I savor her taste on every swipe of my tongue, and when the kiss ends, she’s still there on my tingling lips.
Holding her weight in my arms, I lay her down on the roof of the car. We stay here for a long while, entangled in each other. Touching and kissing. Enjoying each other’s existence.
Chloe stares up at the stars while I keep my eyes on the only thing that matters.
“Do you ever think about what comes next? If there’s an afterlife? I’m not sure if I want there to be anything more than this,” she muses as she holds her hand up like she’s trying to catch the stars.
“I wasn’t sure I wanted there to be one either. Until now.”
“ You can tell her ,” a soft voice says in the back of my mind. Kat ? I ignore it and choose to stay lost in the moment with my love.
Sitting up on my elbows, I hover my face over Chloe’s so I can breathe her in. I hope that wherever I end up I get to smell her every day.
The smile she gives me is so pure, so innocent. The drug is in effect, and she’s riding the high nicely, enjoying herself for once on this godforsaken night.
Out of nowhere, I ask, “Would you follow me to eternity, no matter where it was?”
Her lips part, and her eyes that are already blown out get wider like she can see right through the cosmos to our ending. A tear forms in the corner of her eye, and I catch it on my thumb, bringing it to my lips to steal another part of her for my own greedy collection.
“You say that as if you know you’ll die first.”
Laughing lightly, I give her a soft smile.
“I say it because I’m selfish. As much of a little sinner as you are, you’re also far too good.
There’s nothing wrong with who you are. I’m sorry for saying those things before.
You’re perfect and so fucking brave to still be able to smile after everything.
Chloe, you’re far stronger than me. That’s why I need to know that whatever comes next, you’ll come find me when you’re ready. ”
As I stroke her cheek, tears wet my palm. “I promise, you’ll always have me,” she sobs.
“Thank you.” I pull her close and kiss her. It feels different this time. Like it’s the last time.
When I start to pull away, she holds tighter to me. “Don’t go.”
We stay together, the time passing us by kept by the synchronized beating of our hearts .
After a while, Chloe rolls over and strokes her fingers up the tattoo on my stomach. “What do your tattoos mean?”
“Which ones?”
She throws a look to my hands, and I brace myself for her answer.
But she seems to change her mind. “All of them.”
Avoiding the most painful reminders on my skin, I slip my jacket off and point to a safe one on my side. “This one’s from a video game.”
Chewing on her lip, Chloe sits up next to me and squints at the three golden triangles. She traces her fingers around the edges. “I think I recognize it from somewhere.”
“Impressive, they taught you shapes at the convent,” I tease, and she shoves me.
“I had a life before the convent, jackass.” She laughs.
“I do remember it! It’s a Triforce from The Legend of Zelda .
Mom got me a games machine for my tenth birthday.
It was dented since she couldn’t afford a new one, but it was the best thing ever back then.
I borrowed so many games from my friends at school, and sometimes Mom would find discounted ones when she could afford them.
If she wasn’t working on the weekends, she’d spend the time playing them with me.
I’d actually forgotten all about that. Thank you for reminding me. ”
She leans against my shoulder and weaves her fingers through mine. Her thumb strokes my knuckles, right over the numbers there. I can feel the question burning off her. But she doesn’t ask it.
Instead, Chloe tells me stories of her life at the convent. Each one makes me more angry for her. Even the nicer ones. I don’t have first-hand experience with religion like she does, but what she’s describing sounds exactly like a cult. They made her too blind to see the reality of it .
“Chloe, darlin’.”
“Hmm?” She blinks a few times, her responses slow.
There’s no easy way to tell her the truth, so I go for blunt honesty. “You weren’t at a convent. All that shit they did wasn’t normal. It was a cult.”
“I—No—It was definitely a convent. My mom picked it out. No one was to know it was infested with corruption. But a cult?”
“Whether it was a group of random men in robes or actual priests who decided to prey on the vulnerable makes no difference.”
Her resistance to the truth fades quickly. Deep down she has to know it’s true.
“Earlier you told me why you didn’t fight them. But, darlin’, you did. Every day you didn’t let them twist you into being what they wanted was you fighting them.”
She swallows thickly and looks from the sky to me. Her high seems to be helping her process this more easily.
“I need to show you something.”
My gut ties itself up in knots as Chloe slips her shoes off.
“I don’t have tattoos, but I do have something permanent on my skin.
This is what I had to get once I became a Sister.
The others went through the same. It’s meant to connect us directly to God.
I knew a lot of what I went through wasn’t normal, but I had no one to tell me otherwise. I was just a kid.”
Chloe traces her fingers over a small pink cross on the inside of her ankle. A burn. No . A branding. I’m ashamed I’ve not noticed it sooner.
I don’t want to scare her with how angry I am, but I can’t keep my mouth shut, and my fury leaks out.
“They branded you! Marked you like fucking cattle! I’m going to murder them all. Slit their throats while they sleep. No, that would be too much of a mercy. They need to suffer for hurting you.”
“It’s only a small mark. I swear it didn’t even hurt that much.” She tries tucking her legs to the side so I can’t see it anymore, but I grab her foot and drag it back to me.
“Stop pretending this isn’t seriously fucked up, Chloe!”
“I know it is! But what am I supposed to do?” she shouts.
Her shoulders droop, and she takes a breath.
“As much as I hated them, they became a sort of family. If I didn’t accept some of the kindness they offered, then I would have given up a long time ago.
When a new girl joined, there was always a celebration.
We had the biggest meal, like it was Thanksgiving or Christmas.
We were even allowed one glass of wine. Now that I know what drugs feel like, I’m sure it was more than just alcohol.
The whole night would be a blur of eating and then… ”
“Then what?” I shout, and she tenses. “I’m sorry. I’m not mad at you.”