22. Zack
Zack
T his is how she died. It wasn’t quick, and it sure as fuck wasn’t peaceful. My sister died in agony, and now, I’m about to join her.
There’s a ringing in my head, and a throbbing pain all over my body, including in my ear where the bullet clipped me. A tightness grows in my chest where the water pushes against me. It’s nothing compared to the pain in my heart from the fear of losing Chloe.
She’s taken from me by the water, and I struggle to find her again. It’s so dark down here. But she’s my light. I have to find her.
My body is beaten all over by the rocks and whatever else is in this fucking river. My chest is tight. My eyes burn.
Everything in me is telling me to let go. This is what I wanted after all.
But dying will have to wait until she’s safe.
I see something moving and force myself toward it.
Chloe.
She’s swimming for the surface.
Yes. I knew she could do it, I— fuck! Her body goes limp, and I only just manage to get to her before she’s pulled away. She looks at me, and I swear she fucking smiles before she closes her eyes.
She doesn’t get to leave me.
I was a selfish prick asking her to kill me, but that doesn’t mean she gets to die with me.
I grab hold of her and swim.
She keeps slipping from my arms as I pull her to the surface.
It feels like an eternity away.
Finally, I breach it.
Using all the strength left in me, I hold her head above the water. The current is strong, but we’re near to the bank. If I can just get a grip on something.
Water rushes into my mouth as my head dips under every few seconds. Chloe remains limp in my arms. I hold her tight, and reach out to the roots hanging off the edge of the bank.
Please , if there’s a higher power out there, please listen to me and save her. You can take me after. Send me to hell. Tear me limb from limb. Strip the flesh from my bones. Do whatever the fuck you want. Just please don’t take her.
Before my head goes under again, I strain my arm out and manage to grab onto a thick tree root. My shoulder burns as the river tries to drag me away, but I hold on tight, and pull myself closer to the bank. I find some footing and use that to propel myself up and push Chloe out of the water.
Thank fuck.
The way she lies there not moving has me panicking again. She still needs me. I climb out of the water, and collapse next to her.
“Chloe? Little sinner?” She doesn’t respond .
I drag her away from the water and lay her on her back. Dropping to my knees, I start mouth-to-mouth.
When I told her I loved her, I wasn’t lying, and seeing her drowning has made me realize something.
I want to live.
For her.
I’ll do anything for her. I’d tear my lungs out if it meant she got to take another breath. Stop my own heart if it meant hers got to beat. My life is hers for as long as she needs it.
“Come on!”
I press down on her chest. My fingers are so numb, I can’t tell if her heart’s beating or not.
“You don’t get to take her from me!” I shout to the heavens. “I stole her from you, and now she’s mine! You fucking hear me? Mine!”
Water bubbles out of her mouth, and I hurry to roll her onto her side.
“That’s it, Chloe darlin’, get it all up,”
She coughs up the fluid from her lungs, and her eyes start to open.
“I’ve got you. I’ve got you,” I tell her as I pull her to my chest and rock her gently.
She blinks up at me, disorientated and barely awake.
“Zack?”
“Yes, darlin’, it’s me. You’re safe.”
Fire suddenly blazes in her eyes, and she shoves me away only to pull me straight back to her. “You asshole! If you ever do something like that again, I’ll kill you myself.”
I smile harder than I ever have in my life and hold her close, kissing the top of her head. She trembles against me and I squeeze her tighter. After a few minutes, her tremors lessen and she pulls away .
“Did you seriously think I’d let you kill yourself?
If you haven’t noticed, I’m selfish as well, and I refuse to let you go, Zack.
” Her throat is hoarse from choking, and I try to get her to slow down, but she refuses.
“You tell me I’m strong, well, that means I’m strong enough to make my own decisions, and keeping you alive is one of them.
I’m going to spend every second of our lives showing you what it means to be loved.
” Her eyes are red with tears. The guilt in my chest feels the same as it did the day I read Kat’s letter.
I was so wrong about everything .
Chloe sobs, and her body shakes harder from the cold. Shit, I need to get her warm and back to the car. We have to get out of here. I refuse to lose her over something as trivial as getting arrested or hypothermia. Not after everything we’ve been through.
Taking my jacket off, I wrap it around her shoulders. She clutches at it as I help her to her feet. When I try to pick her up to carry her up the riverbank, she shoves me away.
“Chloe,” I coax her softly. “I need to get you out of here.”
“So you can try and abandon me again?” she snaps. “I don’t have anyone left either. I have nothing to my name. This shirt you gave me off your back is the only thing I own.” Tugging at the sodden material clinging to her skin, she sobs harder.
Chloe could have died, and I’ve not taken into consideration how she must be feeling. I can’t stop being selfish around her. She makes me crazy and barely able to form a cohesive thought.
My head’s still ringing from the gun going off so close to me, and I press my palm to the gash on the top of my ear. It comes away covered in blood. Chloe’s wracked with another loud sob as she sees it.
“I’m okay. Everything’s okay,” I tell her .
“You can’t just leave me. Tell me you’re mine, Zack. Tell me you’re not going anywhere. Not without me. If you die then we’re dying together, and I don’t want to go just yet so you’re going to have to suck it up and keep living. For me.”
I’m stunned into silence. No one’s ever wanted me.
I lost my mother’s love when she died. My father hates me for existing. And even when my sister was alive, I pushed her away by wanting to be my own person and not her twin. So she left me as well.
Something in me splits, and I struggle to hold onto the pieces as they start to float away.
The ringing in my head overwhelms me as it drowns out everything else.
No one wants me.
My mind starts playing tricks on me, telling me that this isn’t real. I’m sinking deep under the river’s surface, and this is the last thing my mind has conjured up to torture me.
That’s the only thing that makes sense. Someone as perfect as Chloe would never want me. Never love me.
“Zack?” Her voice is still there, but it’s so distant now. Disappearing for good.
Falling to my knees, I press my face to her stomach and grab her hips, squeezing her until my fingertips hurt, and inhaling as much of her scent as I can.
“Please, don’t do this to me. I’m dead. You’re not real.” My body shakes.
Is this the drugs wearing off, or me taking my last breath?
Will I feel the burn of the water in my lungs any second now?
Is this how Kat felt as she drowned ?
Delicate fingers brush through my hair. Nails scratch soothingly at my scalp.
Her body is close, but her voice is too far away.
If I don’t get to have her then why torment me? Please. Please. After all the shit I’ve been dealt in this life, please let me have some peace.
“I’m real. I’m here. Look at me.”
I shake my head, burying deeper into the soft stomach of her phantom.
She moves away from me. Her warmth fading.
“Don’t go. Don’t leave me.”
“Zack, baby.” Chloe’s lips press to my uninjured ear and her voice becomes clearer. “Look at me.”
I follow the direction and see an angel bathed in the morning light. The same angel that appeared in my headlights and changed my life.
“You’re alive, Zack. We both are.”
If I fall for the lie, it’ll hurt so much more when she’s ripped away from me.
“No.”
She drops to her knees with me and grabs my face, pressing her nose to mine. “Can you feel me breathing? This air belongs to you. I’ll breathe for both of us from now on, but to do that, I need you to stay with me.”
I let out a ragged breath, and nod, a whimper escaping me.
“You’re real?”
She answers me by grazing her lips over mine. “Yes, baby.”
I see all of her now.
“I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.”
I don’t deserve her forgiveness, her light. But I’ll take it for myself anyway. If this is my final chance, then I’m not screwing it up.
“You think of yourself as evil, as something wrong, but even the devil was good once. I believe it was fate that yours was the only car on the road tonight. That you stopped in time to not hit me. You, Zack, are my fate. My future. If you kill yourself, you’re not only taking away your own, but mine as well. Stay with me, please.”
Wrapping my arms around her, I enclose her in my embrace so she can never escape me, and I silently vow to never leave her again.
She’s going to wish she were rid of me because my obsession for her is only growing, and I’m going to spend every waking moment with her in my sight.
“I love you,” I growl, my fears subsiding, and a feral need to possess her taking over.
Mine.
Mine.
Mine.
“You’re all mine.” I don’t intend for the words to slip out, but they do, and she accepts my claim.
“Yes,” she moans, her body molding to me.
I touch her face and leave my bloody fingerprints behind. She takes hold of my hand and brings it to her mouth, kissing my palm, her lips coming away red.
“We’ll always be joined in blood,” she says, licking away my blood, taking me inside of her.
Chloe’s my savior. My redemption. My perfect girl who somehow deems me worthy of her love. I’ll accept and protect it until the end of time.
“I’m yours, little sinner. In this life and whatever comes next, I’ll always be yours.”