10. Ripley
CHAPTER 10
RIPLEY
THNKS FR TH MMRS – FALL OUT BOY
“So? How was it?”
Munching on a carrot stick, I consider Holly’s question. “What’s there to discuss? It’s therapy. Same shit, different doctor.”
Her eyes twinkle with amusement. “I’m not sure that’s the best attitude.”
“You’re telling me you seriously buy into their crap?”
Stabbing a limp French fry on her plastic tray, Holly sticks it in her mouth and chews as she thinks. I’m so glad she took a shine to me and hasn’t let go in the months since I arrived. I was dreading lonely mealtimes in here like the new kid on the block.
“You’re not getting out of here unless you get better,” she explains with a shrug. “Not gonna do it on your own, are you?”
“Some of the world’s greatest minds had bipolar.” I gesture with my fork. “Van Gogh. Churchill. Hemingway. Maybe I don’t need to be fixed. It’s the rest of you norms who are the problem.”
“Would your traumatised pizza delivery guy say the same thing?”
Wincing, I fight off a memory of screaming at the poor, terrified teenager. It made perfect sense in the moment—that he was a Martian attempting to invade my apartment. Like I hadn’t ordered the pizza half an hour before and forgotten in my manic state.
He barely fled with his life after I attacked him with the baseball bat that any young woman living alone hides behind her front door. I’m not saying I would’ve cracked his skull open with it, but the broken bones he received got me arrested nonetheless.
The news story quickly broke when the kid started posting online about his ordeal. Uncle Jonathan’s name, along with the company he works for, were splashed all over the press.
“Sure, he’d agree.” I wave dismissively.
“Uh-huh. Nothing to do with the buttload of money your uncle paid him off with to shut up, right?”
“Bringing me that pizza was the luckiest day of his life. He can pay off the motorcycle he was riding and brag to all his friends about surviving the crazy chick with the baseball bat. I did him a favour.”
“Is a broken collarbone a favour?”
“It is in my books.”
Glancing up, we lock eyes then both burst out laughing. I’ve never told anyone about my complicated relationship with my uncle before, but I trust Holly not to judge me. She doesn’t react like other people do when they hear my story.
Most people assume that money equals happiness, but for the orphaned girl in need of love, cash doesn’t excuse the absence of a real parent. I would’ve taken a warm, loving uncle who took his role seriously over the shining gold credit card he offered up instead.
The sound of our laughter draws the attention of patients scattered around us. Like circling sharks, two rise from their seats and prowl over. I watch Holly’s hand tense around the plastic cutlery she’s holding.
“What exactly have you two got to laugh about?” Lennox slides into the seat next to Holly.
“Nox,” Holly warns.
“You’re running a sinking ship, Hol. We’ve heard all about your supply issues recently.”
“Back off.”
Running a hand over his messy chocolate locks, Lennox wears his signature, cruel smirk. “Why? Afraid that your new little friend will see you for what you really are?”
The bite of cold daggers piercing my skin forces me to look beyond Holly’s tormenter. Standing behind Lennox, I find the source of my discomfort. Xander is staring right at me, those bottomless pits of blue harshness burrowing into my flesh.
I stare back, transfixed by his attention. It’s not the first time I’ve caught him watching me like I’m some fascinating scientific experiment. A curiosity to be dissected and documented. If I couldn’t see his chest rising, I’d think he’s a statue carved from ice.
“Final warning.” Holly calmly places her plastic fork down. “I’m in no mood to take your shit today.”
With malice sparkling in his eyes, Lennox leans close to whisper something in her ear. The chain around his neck gapes from his collar but doesn’t quite slip out. I wonder, not for the first time, what he carries on that necklace.
Watching with bated breath as Holly’s face sinks, she quickly smooths her business mask back into place. But for that brief moment, she looked so exhausted. Enough to give in.
Holly would never be defeated by a pair of bullies, right? She’s the strongest person I know. A take-no-shit badass with a heart of gold beneath her steely exterior.
Lennox pulls back, his necklace disappearing. “Think about it.”
“Not a chance in hell,” Holly replies tersely.
“This doesn’t have to get ugly.”
“Then learn your fucking place, and back off,” she snarls.
“Well… suit yourself. What happens next is on you.”
Hands scrunching into fists, Lennox stares at her for another second, as if he can decapitate her with a mere glance. She doesn’t deign to offer him another moment of her time, her complete lack of fear seeming to only piss him off more.
“Nox,” Xander finally speaks. “We have somewhere to be.”
His voice is a whip flaying every exposed nerve-ending, the flat tenor dragging down my spine like sharpened fingernails on a chalkboard. The man terrifies me. At least with Lennox, his rage is predictable. He hates Holly, and she hates him.
But with his best friend, it’s different. Hatred would demand far too much of Xander’s precious time and attention. He stalks around the institute like we’re all beneath him, only lowering himself to our level when he needs a new specimen to toy with.
“You’ll regret this,” Lennox hisses.
Holly spares him the briefest of looks, utterly unfazed. “Threaten me again, and you’ll regret it. Priory Lane is mine.”
“For now.” He storms off before she can respond.
Head cocked, Xander studies me for a moment longer. I’m flustered and sweat-slick beneath his rapt attention for reasons I don’t want to analyse. When Holly lays a possessive hand on my arm, the corners of his mouth quirk.
“Challenge accepted,” he murmurs, barely audible.
Vanishing after his friend, we’re left in peace. The breath I didn’t realise I was holding whooshes out of me.
“What the hell was that about?” I whisper furiously.
Holly’s hand doesn’t release my arm. “They want power and control. We’re not going to give it to them.”
“We?”
She meets my eyes. “We. You’re in this with me now, kid. We’re sticking together.”
Her voice floats through my mind, accompanying the repetitive beat of my feet on the treadmill. Harrowdean’s gym is deserted around me. No one would dare interrupt my private time for fear of the consequences.
Punching the buttons on the screen in front of me, I increase the speed, my legs pumping like firing pistons. I’ve been running for nearly two hours, and despite being drenched in sweat, the swarm of angry wasps eating at my insides refuse to abate.
You’re in this with me now, kid.
“Get out of my head,” I pant.
We’re sticking together.
Head buzzing with dizziness, I urge my legs faster, determined to exhaust myself. I should be dead on my feet after two sleepless nights, but when these manic episodes hit, not even sleep-deprivation can slow me down.
On a scheduled patrol, a female guard pokes her head inside the gym to scan the equipment-laden room. When she spots me glowering at her, she nods briefly then disappears again.
Not even Elon dared to comment or harass me when I rushed past him earlier, practically vibrating with the need to expel some energy before I incinerate like a supernova. He merely watched me go with that annoying-as-fuck smile.
They want power and control.
“You said we wouldn’t give it to them,” I hiss out between breaths. “You promised to fight.”
She isn’t real. I’m hearing nothing but mania-fuelled whispers of a long-dead ghost. I wish I could ignore the voices when they speak to me—it’s been a while since I’ve had that symptom. My medication usually keeps the worst of it at bay.
We’re not going to give it to them.
“Leave me alone!” I scream to the thin air.
The vows Holly once made didn’t stop the inevitable. Their cruel taunts tore apart the woman who took me in, gave me a home in the most terrifying of places, and taught me how to survive. In the end, she couldn’t save herself.
But that’s what they wanted, right?
To slowly splinter the formidable badass who’d once opposed them. Rip her into breakable pieces then scatter the remains behind them as they strolled into their new notoriety. Taking her life wasn’t hard—it was a convenience.
In the game of survival, it’s dog eat dog. Holly was a mere speck on their non-existent moral landscape. An annoying fly buzzing around, forever eluding the hand of its swatter until that fateful moment arrives.
Splat.
You’re left with an empty dorm room, a hurriedly cut noose and a zipped body bag. Taking a life should be harder than that. It should leave a deeper scar. So where the fuck are their scars? Why did they get to walk away and forget, but I never could?
Lost in the unstable frenzy of my grief, I don’t hear the soft tap, tap, tap of Raine’s guide stick until it’s too late. The golden-haired angel appears, leaning against the handlebars of the treadmill as he draws to a halt beside me.
“Really hoping no other girl in this shithole uses papaya body wash, or I’ve tracked down the wrong person.”
I use my tattooed forearm to wipe sweat from my face. “Don’t act like you just sniffed your way down here to find me.”
“What? It sounds way more impressive than me asking Xander where you’re hiding.”
Honestly, I’m not even surprised that Xander’s keeping an eye on me. I spotted him lingering outside my therapy session one morning too. This is how he prowls. Silently. From afar. Plotting and instigating until the right time to pounce presents itself.
“Tell your psycho buddy to stop fucking following me.”
Swiping a hand over his sleek blonde mop, Raine braces an elbow on the treadmill. “Like he’d listen to me.”
Inspecting him out the corner of my eye, I search for any signs of the wreck I left behind the other night. Dressed in jeans and ratty t-shirt, he seems loose, relaxed.
I can see past the act he puts on though. His grin is a tad too wide and voice a little high. I wasn’t sure how long that bag would last him. He must be nearly out.
“Listen, Ripley. I need to say thank?—”
“Don’t mention it,” I interrupt.
“Can’t even accept a simple thank you?” His mouth curls into a grin.
“For enabling you to continue ruining your life? I’ll pass.”
He pauses for a beat, appearing surprised.
“Wow. Someone left their filter in bed this morning.”
I want to bark out a laugh, but I’m too overwhelmed. Exhausted yet agitated. My body is buzzing like a live wire, and the brutal run has done little to abate the feeling. I’ve already scrubbed myself to the point of bleeding in the shower. This was my last resort to get the swarming energy out of my system.
I’ve learned the hard way that unless managed, manic episodes can turn bad. Fast. These days, I recognise my warning signs and act to stabilise myself. I don’t want to ever get to the point where I lose control again. That’s what landed me in here in the first place.
“Ripley?” Raine prompts. “You okay?”
Slamming a hand on the stop button, I wait for the track to slow. “Look, Raine. I’m glad you’re alright. But me giving you those pills doesn’t mean we’re friends.”
“Ouch.” He chuckles.
“Leave me alone.”
“I was hoping we could talk,” Raine offers placatingly. “About you taking on a new customer.”
A fresh burst of anger shoots through me. I’m here, battling tooth and nail to get control of myself, while he’s sniffing around for more gear. The painful fizzing in my limbs only heightens my disgruntlement.
“Hey, Ripley,” I mimic his deep, rattling voice. “You wanna take pity on me and help me continue to kill myself?” I return my voice to normal. “Sure, Raine. Why not? I have no morals and don’t care. Give me your money.”
Head tilting, it almost feels like his covered eyes are following me as I shakily climb off the treadmill. My entire body is drenched with sweat, and my legs can barely hold my weight. But still, it isn’t enough.
I’ve pushed way past my comfort zone. I know this isn’t a healthy way to cope with these emotional spikes, but it was this or do something truly destructive like hurl myself down the staircase, convinced that if I want it enough, I’ll be able to fly. The intrusive thought did cross my mind.
“Did I hit a nerve?” Raine asks.
“You know, I used to be more than this.” I scoff at my own bitterness. “I had a life. An apartment and studio. Friends. What the fuck would they think of the person I’ve become?”
Suddenly furious, I don’t care that he’s getting a front row seat to witness my unravelling. The cocky son of a bitch has never had much trouble reading me anyway. Maybe if he gets to know the real me, he’ll stay away. We can forget this weird kinship ever happened.
“I’m so sick of being the person people call when they want to kill themselves. My survival isn’t worth it.”
Raine’s head shifts as though his eyes are brushing over me. “Like it or not, you’ve survived. Haven’t you?”
“What if I don’t deserve to?” I counter.
He shrugs. “Few of us rarely get what we deserve. At some point, you have to stop caring, and just take what you’re given.”
Tears mix with the sweat still dripping down my face. The floodgates are down, and any scrap of self-preservation has deserted me. Right now, I want to give in to every last reckless thought racing through my mind at lightning speed.
“Is that what you do? Take what you’re given?”
He gestures towards his eyes. “Like I’ve had any other choice.”
Memories bubble to the surface. Being sat down by the social worker as a terrified child and told that my mum was dead, not even a year after we lost Dad. Leaving an empty house full of packed boxes behind. News reports. Sympathy cards. Bereavement therapy and child counsellors.
None of them ever cracked through the lake of ice I quickly erected around my heart. Losing people hurt less that way. Until Holly came along with her sharp tongue and possessive friendship, refusing to let me tread water alone for a moment longer. Somehow, she tunnelled through the trenches surrounding my heart and set up camp.
It changed nothing.
Death stole her from me too.
“Well, I refuse to live like that,” I deadpan.
“Rip—”
“No! All I’ve done is take what I’m given! My parents left me. I have an uncle who incarcerated me the moment I embarrassed him. My best friend was bullied to death. And if I don’t do as the warden says, I won’t be far behind her.”
Chest heaving, my feet carry me over to Raine of their own volition. I stop directly in front of him, shaking with fury, exhaustion and the fiery riptide of emotion that’s loosened my tongue.
He’s one of them. An enemy. So why does the sound of his heartbroken violin keep me awake at night? Why did I sacrifice my own supply to fund his addiction? Why the fuck do I care about this person?
Because despite all the shit I’ve seen, I still wasn’t strong enough to plug the final cracks in my heart. Raine has managed to sneak in too with those damned smirks and snippets of vulnerability hidden behind a cocky demeanour. He found my weakness.
Well, fuck him .
I’ll do the exact same bullshit to him.
“I don’t want to take what I’m given.” My voice drops lower as mania turns to blood-laced desire. “I want to take what I want .”
Raine hesitates, silently taking in the details he can sense beyond his non-existent line of sight. I wonder if the drugs in his veins feel like the poisonous sickness in mine. If we’d be here, together, without either of those things drawing us together.
“What do you want?” he asks breathily.
Salvation. Plain and simple. No matter the pain I must inflict to reach that ethereal paradise, beyond the demons dragging me back to reality every goddamn time.
“The same as you.” Hand trembling, I slide the glasses from his face to reveal his pinprick pupils. “To feel alive.”
His throat undulates. “It’s been a long time since I’ve felt that.”
“Alive?”
Raine’s habitual smirk reveals itself. “You’re talking to a self-proclaimed junkie, babe. We shoot up to feel everything… Or nothing at all.”
Tossing his glasses aside, I close the final gap between us. My heartbeat roars in my ears as I grab a handful of the loose grey t-shirt he wears over his ripped jeans and drag him closer, until our chests slam together with an audible thwack .
“Then feel something with me.”
Raine’s plump lips part on a sharp inhale. I could gaze into the molten caramel depths of his distant eyes all day long, not caring for a single second that he’ll never be able to gaze back. I exist in his mind. That’s a far greater privilege than many get.
Need overwhelms me. Need to be loved. To be wanted. To exist for someone in a far greater capacity than their dealer or destroyer. I want Raine to see me for the girl I used to be, not the girl I am now.
My mouth slants over his, sealing our twisted exchange with a hard, painful kiss. Eyes closing, I join him in the blackness. Our lips collide like two gamblers engaged in a ruthless battle of Russian roulette.
It doesn’t take long for Raine to respond and move his mouth against mine. My breathing falters with the violent onslaught of his lips attacking mine. He’s far too fucking good at this. One hand moves to clasp my hip as the other rises, searching blindly until he cups the back of my head.
The soft growl in the back of his throat causes warmth to flood my throbbing core. I thrust my tongue into his mouth, searching for a silent commitment to our shared need for an escape. I don’t care if he’s high and I’m on the verge of a manic meltdown.
I need his tongue.
His touch.
A reason to exist.
Dragging a hand over the rough scruff on his face, I clutch his chin and deepen the kiss. I want to suck the used oxygen from his lungs and let it poison my airways. Then he can offer his friends the victory of my death, and perhaps, I’ll finally know peace.
His hips rock forward, revealing the hard press of his erection as it grinds against my centre. A moan rumbles from my chest with the movement, and Raine thrusts again, making his intentions crystal fucking clear.
I’m a second from letting him fuck me on the treadmill to give me the release I crave when an ear-shattering alarm breaks out, causing us to jump apart. It’s excruciatingly loud, blaring relentlessly as the emergency lights begin to flash.
“What the hell is that noise?” Raine covers his ears.
“It’s the panic alarm,” I shout over the clamour, licking my now-swollen lips. “We’re supposed to get on the floor.”
“Screw that. We’re not done here.”
His hands find their way back to my head and hip. Fingers fisting in my sweat-drenched hair, he pulls hard until his lips meet mine with cataclysmic finality. Not even the painful shriek of the alarm can stop me from falling victim to his hot mouth on mine.
I know we only have a matter of minutes before a guard arrives to escort us to our rooms. That alarm signals the institute going into lockdown. An incident must be unfolding, but for the life of me, I couldn’t care less.
Releasing my hip, Raine’s fingertips search the stretchy material of my workout leggings. He’s moving lower, feeling a path to the heat that’s burning between my thighs. I gasp into his mouth as he cups my mound.
“Fuck, Rip. I can feel how soaking wet you are through your clothes.”
“You gonna do something about it?” I challenge.
Lips equally swollen, he grins at my boldness. “Like I’d ever leave a girl wanting.”
“We’re going to have company very soon.”
Finding my waistband, he eases his hand inside. “Then you’d better come all over my fingers fast, shouldn’t you?”
Returning his lips to mine, he shoves his tongue back into my mouth at the same time his hand breaches the soaked cotton of my panties. I can’t help rocking my hips, guiding him to exactly where I want his touch. The frenzy within me is begging for an outlet.
Even if this is a bad idea.
My unstable brain couldn’t care less right now.
Raine’s tongue is a bulldozing force of nature, claiming every available inch of my mouth and stealing it for himself. It feels like he’s taking the time to catalogue every last corner, filing it away in his ever-expanding portfolio of information beyond his lack of sight.
I moan loudly when his fingers slip inside my panties and glide down towards my humming cunt. He easily parts my folds, his thumb circling my sensitive bud as he slides a digit through my heat.
“Fucking hell,” he mutters into my ear. “I can’t wait to feel this sweet cunt clenching around my cock.”
Delivering his filthy words with a sharp thrust from his fingers, he pushes inside my slit. My back arches, a hot sizzle of need pulsating through me. I want nothing more than to feel him stretching my walls and filling every desperate inch of me.
“Are you always this wet, babe?” Raine murmurs.
I’m so not going to explain my hypersexual state when I’m mid-episode. We may be using each other right now, but there’s no need to underline the truth.
“I don’t know,” I gasp.
“Well, I’m looking forward to finding out.”
A second finger pushes into me, stretching me even wider. I’m a panting mess of sensation, grinding against his palm as my legs begin to tremble. Raine finds a steady pace, finger-fucking me into a breathless wreck.
“That’s it,” he coos. “Ride my hand, Rip.”
Each time I circle my hips, he thrusts back into me, pushing his fingers in and out of my entrance at a maddening tempo. I can feel how coarse his fingers are from a lifetime of violin playing. It gives me a twisted thrill to have them buried deep inside me.
Just as the cusp of my orgasm begins to rise, the sound of footsteps approaching registers. I grab a handful of Raine’s t-shirt to stop him.
“Hear that?”
“Yeah,” he grunts.
“We have to stop.”
“Not yet, babe. I’m not done.”
Curling his finger inside me, he touches a mind-blowing spot that swallows whatever protest I was about to muster next. Raine grins at my loud mewling, rubbing his finger up against my inner walls to tease more moans free.
“Raine,” I groan.
“I want to hear those pretty sounds as you soak my fingers. Screw whoever’s coming.”
“We can’t?—”
“Shut the fuck up,” he instructs.
Skating his hand up my body, he clamps his palm over my mouth. Well, that’s hot. Each flick of his wrist causes his fingers to slam deeper into me, his speed gradually increasing as I moan and pant into his hand.
With my sounds muffled, the feeling of euphoria washes over me. I’m so close. When Raine dares to slide a third finger into my sopping core, the coiled band of tension inside me explodes.
“That’s it,” he says triumphantly.
I scream into his palm, my eyes clenched shut as I detonate. Bolts of lightning crackles down my spine, and my knees weaken with the force of my climax. I’m suddenly adrift, but vaguely aware of the doors slamming open and boots stomping into the gym.
“You two!”
Aw, shit.
Not even the displeased boom of Langley’s voice can shatter my post-orgasm high. I manage to peel an eyelid open to look over Raine’s shoulder, finding Langley standing in the entrance, hands braced on his hips.
“What on earth are you doing?” he interrogates.
Not a single decent excuse manifests.
“Getting off?” I blurt instead.
His mouth drops open. “There’s a brawl going on outside!”
“Well, shit.” Raine grins lopsidedly at me. “Sounds like we’re missing the fun.”
“Both of you out!” Langley yells. “Right now.”
Keeping his back to the displeased guard, Raine pulls his glistening hand from my leggings. I’m mesmerised and totally unembarrassed as he pops his fingers into his mouth and sucks enthusiastically.
“Now!” Langley adds.
Raine releases his now-clean digits then leans closer to speak into my ear. “Next time, I want you to spread these heavenly juices all over my face. Got it?”
Holy. Freaking. Shit.
“Got it.”
His smirks deepens. “Good. Let’s go before we get our asses kicked.”
Quickly righting my clothes, I hand Raine his guide stick. We reluctantly walk over to where Langley waits. He turns and stalks out, muttering something I can’t hear over the shrilling alarm. I bite my lip to hold in a laugh as Raine chuckles.
“Worth it,” he declares.
“Eh. If you say so.”
“Well, shit. Thanks for the glowing review, guava girl.”
“We all have room to improve. I don’t want to overinflate your ego.”
“Something tells me that would be impossible in your company,” Raine quips back.
When his spare hand connects with my arm and slides down to find my hand, our fingers somehow end up intertwined. I don’t know if I’m exhilarated or terrified by how right it feels to be held by him.