19. Blair
NINETEEN
blair
I traced the outline of Sean’s tattoo with my tongue, arms wrapped around his waist from behind.
When he came back nine years ago from seeing his grandfather with an unfinished deer, no one understood.
All he’d said was, “ He’ll finish it when the time is right ,” and everyone left it alone.
That was a secret Sean got to keep and because I had my own at the time, we moved on and never talked about it again.
But now I knew the truth.
That he’d faced and seen way more than just his grandmother dying. He went from a teenager to a man in an instant.
I think I’d always known the truth, the signs were there when my nana died. All this time he’d been suppressing his fear of losing me too, yet somehow found a way to love and let me live freely without constraints.
“You mean so much to me,” I whispered into his skin. “How could I ever repay you?”
He reached around and pulled me in front of him, those pretty browns searching my eyes for answers.
“Repay me?”
I closed my arms around his neck, wanting to feel him against me in every way all the time.
“For loving me even when you were afraid to.”
This frighteningly gentle man, smiled and pulled me to his chest.
“Never been afraid to love you,” he murmured, lips grazing my forehead. “You made that part easy, Amoy.”
I searched his eyes like he’d done mine.
“Are you okay? I know yesterday opened an old wound, but you have me…” I kissed his lips and took a step back. “…if you need me.”
His response was immediate.
“I always need you.”
“But like… if you want to talk about what’s happening in your head.”
He nodded, picked up his black cashmere sweater I’d laid out for him and slipped it over his head.
Today we were finalizing plans for my mom’s body but stopping to talk to Jaslyn and Ashton first.
Maybe I was the one who needed to talk.
“Oh, I meant to tell you, I have a sister,” I blurted, earning a head tilt and brow lift. “She’s nine and her mom’s name is Lauren.”
More secrets , I thought.
“I met her, Lauren, the day I found out my nana died,” I went on, slipping into a pair of high waisted jeans. “She never crossed my mind again until I started looking for women I knew my father had affairs with. Turns out she took my advice and ran, never looked back.”
Even though it had come harshly, she heard me loud and clear and I was grateful for it—her strength, too.
I was backing the lawsuit we were about to file, but only her name and four others would be on it.
My agenda was different from theirs, yet the same in a lot of ways. They were taking back their power and I was showing my strength.
“I know,” he said. “Tadhg pulled your financials’.”
It wasn’t a shock.
He’d asked about Jaslyn at the dress shop and there were only so many ways to figure out I hired her, all of them crossing a line but not exactly with me.
“We need to set some boundaries on what’s allowed now that we’re married and partners.”
His eyes met mine and I could see his distaste for what I said.
“Boundaries? Elaborate.”
I sighed.
How were we going to do this?
“You can’t do whatever you want, Sean. There’s rules and the delegation has a fucking lot of them, by the way. Going through my financials’ is fine, hacking into Jaslyn’s is another. Tell me you didn’t do that and we’re good.”
“I didn’t do anything,” he replied slowly. “Tadhg did. He’d be proud, by the way.”
I frowned.
“What do you mean by that?”
He started toward the bedroom door with a smile on his face.
“Nothing, mo ghrá. I understand your point. Thank you for keeping me in check. Meet me downstairs when you’re ready.”
Mmm. What was that about?
I shook it off, finished dressing and met him downstairs. As expected, breakfast waited for me.
“I’m not hungry, little deer.”
He shook his head before the words had a chance to settle.
“You’re never hungry, beautiful goddess.”
I slid onto a stool and admired the way he moved around the kitchen to fill my plate.
“I’ll share with you,” he went on, setting it between us as he took a seat. “As long as you eat some of it.”
He handed me a piece of bacon and I bit into it, gaze still following his movements like a puppy.
“Maybe I should have my birth control implant removed…” the suggestion had left my lips before I could stop it. “To get my appetite back,” I added. “I’ve gotten used to it but…”
Sean put a piece of pineapple to my lips and I took it.
“Whatever you want to do is what you should do, Amoy,” he said, feeding cantaloupe to me next. “Sounds like you tryna have my baby though.”
I laughed, the sound sputtering out of me.
“I mean eventually, yeah.”
His eyes met mine.
Obviously I wanted to have his babies and it’s true I’d gotten on birth control after an unexpected miscarriage shook me to the core… shook us.
“But not right now?”
With my head in my hand, I stared at the man I loved deeply for most of my life.
“Not right now. We have a lot to do, don’t we?”
“We do,” he agreed, feeding me a forkful of scrambled eggs. “If you take out the implant, then what?”
I chewed slowly, taking the time to think of an answer that made sense.
“Then, we use condoms.”
He nodded.
“You think taking it out will help with your appetite?”
A little giggle slipped that had him lifting an eyebrow.
“It’s just, you never go against what I want. We’ve used condoms once or twice in all the years we’ve been together and you don’t even question me wanting to use them now.”
I knew how my man operated, how he respected the motto, ‘my body, my choice’, but picking his brain had always been a good time for me.
Going to college and seeing the girls get dogged out by men time and time again kept me on the straight and narrow, especially when I had a good one at home like Sean.
And it helped knowing he’d been loyal to me, too.
“Do me a favor, eat another piece of bacon,” he said coolly, gaze on his watch. “Lorcan is downstairs.”
I plucked a piece from the plate, stuffed it in my mouth and hopped up to follow him, since my things were already at the elevator.
“ By the way …” he turned with this expression in his eyes that made my clit thump. “The condom is a formality at best and not worth going against you over. That pussy is good and mine no matter what, Amoy. Do you understand?”
I nodded and he guided the hand with bacon in it to my mouth.
“One more bite and I’ll finish the rest.”
My lips parted for him without hesitation and he kissed my forehead as I chewed the last bite he’d coaxed me into taking.
“You listen so well,” he murmured into my ear before stepping back and popping what was left into his mouth. “Let’s go. I’ll let you get coffee on the way.”
Sean had mastered the art of getting me to do exactly what he wanted. It was the praise and forehead kisses, they sent me into a trance and all my body could do was follow his orders.
I didn’t mind it, because he didn’t mind how clingy it made me. Even now, as Lorcan drove us into Manhattan with Liam and Tadhg following, Sean lifted his arm and made room for me to get close.
And at some point I fell asleep and woke to a kiss on the nose.
“Are we here?” I asked, looking up at him.
He nodded and handed over a styrofoam cup from my favorite coffee spot the Blue Spoon.
I put it to my lips immediately and felt a surge of energy that wasn’t anything but my mind playing tricks on me.
“Was Jazzy working?”
We entered the building with Liam in tow and took the elevator up to the top floor, while Lorcan and Tadhg waited for us to be done outside.
“Mmhm,” he hummed. “Said to tell you to come around more and not just for coffee.”
He cut his eyes at me and I shrugged.
“I’d rather not force myself on people.”
Making friends had always been hard for me.
“Is it by force if those people are asking to be in your presence, Amoy?”
His question wasn’t exactly meant to be answered, and sure, he was right. On top of Jazzy being Jaslyn’s sister-in-law, she was the younger sister of Matteo King—head of the King crime family.
There was already an established bond between the women in this sacred life, but that didn’t mean we all wanted the same things. That friendships within ranks were built to last.
I feared making friends and losing them.
“Well—”
Sean had only just pulled the door open to Jaslyn’s office.
“Blair bear!”
A mass of wild curls flew into my legs and I smiled.
“Brynn baby,” I sang, handing Sean my coffee so I could kneel properly. “How’s my girl today?”
She looked up at me with dark brown eyes that matched mine.
“I’m okay…” she leaned in close. “Mommy was crying. Is it because of daddy again?”
But before I could reply, her attention shifted to the man beside me.
“Who’s he?”
I stood and took her hand.
“This is my husband,” I told her. “His name is Sean.”
He looked between us, more than likely searching for similarities but we only shared the same eye color. Brynn belonged to her mother through and through, right down to their brown skin with reddish undertones.
“Baby, this is Brynn, my—”
“I’m her sister,” the little spitfire finished for me, hand out for Sean to shake. “Are you rich like Blair?”
Sean chuckled, his brows lifting at once.
“That’s a good question,” he mused, getting down on her level before taking her hand. “If we’re being technical, what’s mine is hers and what’s hers stays that way, so I guess she’s richer.”
Brynn glanced at me for confirmation and I nodded.
“Can I have twenty dollars to buy Robux?”
The second the request left her lips, I spotted Lauren, knew she’d tried to stop Sean from obliging and shook my head to keep her from doing so.
“Only twenty?” Sean asked, pulling a crisp hundred from his wallet. “I don’t have change.”
Brynn giggled and slowly pulled it from his hand.
“That’s what Blair bear says all the time but she lets me keep it all.”
He nodded and stood, eyes meeting mine.
“Well, if Blair bear does it…”
I smiled as she ran off to show her mom, who had inched closer to us.
“Mommy, look!”
“I see, baby. But did you forget something?”
Brynn’s eyes widened and then she glanced at Sean sheepishly.
“Sorry. Thank you!”
The expression in my husband’s gaze when he accepted made my heart melt.
I knew who the better parent would be between the two of us, but before I could let that feeling settle Jaslyn entered.
“Good morning,” she sang, holding the door open for Ashton and their three year old, Ashlyn who toddled behind her dad.
“Bwair Bwear!”
“Someone’s popular with the kids,” Sean mused softly as Ashlyn’s little drunken legs came running toward me.
I scooped her up and gave my husband a wink. Ashlyn and I had only become familiar recently and she happened to pick up on Brynn’s nickname for me along the way.
“You two should have that talk, while Blair and I go over next steps,” Jaslyn said, waving both Ashton and Sean out of the office. “Elijah is in a meeting up the hall, so use the conference room on the other end.”
She took Ashlyn from my arms and handed her off to Ashton, who managed to press a kiss to Jaslyn’s lips during the exchange.
“Let go, daddy!”
Ashlyn had her arms secured around his neck and wanted her legs loose and he obliged, letting her hang.
I cut my eyes at Sean and found him watching me, probably thinking what I was feeling.
But once he and Ashton were gone, I shook thoughts of the baby we lost away.
“You two look happy,” Jaslyn said with a smile. “Glad to see it.”
I nodded, not wanting to talk about Sean and me with Lauren in the room and thankfully Jaslyn picked up on that.
“Okay,” she continued, eyes on Lauren. “This is the hard part. This is where I file the paperwork and you bare all to whomever will listen.”
“I’m nervous,” Lauren murmured, already wiping tears that had sprung out of nowhere. “Maybe…” her gaze shifted to Brynn, who sat a few feet away. “Maybe I should stop right now and cut my losses.”
Jaslyn looked at me and I shook my head.
Something wasn’t right.
“You have the power to do what you feel is best,” I said, ready to drop this and move forward with plan b. “As long as it’s what you want and not someone else.”
Brynn had mentioned something about her crying and our dad but the statement evaded me now.
“Daddy said he’ll let us move in with him,” Brynn said out of nowhere, hopping up and running over to me. “I met him.”
“You met him when, baby girl?”
“She has no idea what—”
Lauren’s eyes met mine and she rolled her lips together.
“When we came to New York last time.”
I nodded and prayed my face didn’t give way to how I felt.
“Did you enjoy meeting him?”
She frowned, her big eyes searching mine.
“No, I didn’t have fun at all,” she said way too fast for it to be true. “You don’t hate me, right?”
I tugged her into me, my heart aching at how perceptive she could be.
“Never ever ever will I hate you, Brynn baby. In fact, I love you the most.”
She pulled back, a beautiful smile on her little round face. And just that quick all was forgotten.
I could only hope Brynn stayed this innocent forever.
“Even more than Sean?”
Jaslyn chuckled.
“How about you share space with him for me.”
She tapped her chin.
“Will it make you happy?”
“It would make me so happy.”
More than she’d know or understand actually.
“Can you do me a favor and go tell Sean about this agreement?”
I set her on her feet and she took off to do as I asked. Once gone, Lauren began to speak.
“I just… wanted to see if he’d accept her,” she said, filling me with disgust. “And at first, he seemed interested but then your mother saw us and it’s like everything changed.”
My mother saw them?
“When did my mother see you?”
“A couple of weeks ago. We came here early and didn’t tell you. I’m so sorry, Blair.”
Her apology made me feel nothing at all.
“Why now?” I asked, needing to understand the logic behind her decision after standing her ground for so long.
“Because you came around and Brynn started asking questions she wasn’t asking before, like about who her father is. I appreciate you wanting to build a relationship with her but your presence has made my life harder than it was…” she stood and picked up her purse. “So, yes, I took her to meet the man who helped create her and she had a great time with him. I thought… I thought maybe he changed but he got so angry when Kendra saw us and now I know the truth. Now, I know I need to cut ties with all of you and go back to the way life was, before you barged in demanding to be part of it. Count me out of this lawsuit and I’m going to suggest the others do the same.”
She stormed off and I couldn’t bring myself to chase after her.
“That did not go how I expected,” Jaslyn mumbled. “Are you okay?”
“She’s right,” I said, holding back tears. “And Brynn is safer if I’m not around.”
I straightened myself and nodded.
“That doesn’t answer my question but I won’t force it out of you. We have options even without—”
“You know I thought I was doing something to make up for the way my father took advantage of the church and the women in it, but am I not doing the same? Am I not taking advantage of them for my own selfish reasons?”
I shook my head.
“Fuck it. Whatever they decide is what you do.”
“I consider us friends, Blair,” Jaslyn said, nodding slowly. “And as your friend, I refuse to let you lie to yourself. Maybe your presence triggered questions but Brynn would’ve asked them eventually. Everything Lauren said reflected her own feelings about your presence. She wanted to know if he changed. She wanted to see if they could be a family. She realized her mistake and decided to hurt you in the process.”
My eyes burned but I refused to let the tears fall.
“I consider us friends, too. Thank you for that…” I stood. “Get back to me about the lawsuit. Even if they decide to back out, make sure everybody is taken care of. It’s the least I can do.”
And I called myself rushing off to stew in my feelings alone but Sean was already by the door, waiting.
He took my hand and led us to the elevator. Once inside, I turned against him and let my tears fall.
The last bit of my old self I managed to keep all these years belonged to him. My tears were only safe with him. My heart. My life. My… everything .