33. Matteo
CHAPTER 33
MATTEO
“M atteo?”
I’m floating in a sea of pain and I open my eyes. It’s white. Something is beeping and trying to move both hurts and pulls. There’s a woman with her hair pinned back and a stern, but professional, caring expression on her face.
“Yeah?” My mouth’s dry and she hands me a plastic cup with a straw.
“Good, you’re with it now. Do you know where you are?”
“Hospital. Where’s my wife? Heaven? Is she okay?” I try to get out of bed, but she stops me with one hand.
“We had to operate, but you’re on the mend. You can’t move just yet. Do you remember what happened?”
“I was shot.”
She nods and starts fiddling with the drip. “Your family’s here, and your wife is outside.”
Relief floods me, followed closely by trepidation. “She’s okay” is my first thought. It’s warm as it blooms through me. That’s all that matters. I thought…shit. I thought I’d been too late, that even when I made an effort—unlike with Joey—I’d failed.
Small pieces of memory fling themselves at me.
Shards. Like snapshots. The bright sky. Bullets. Heaven in the middle. Heaven looking at me, blotting out everything.
Heaven crying.
I betrayed her. And…I love her.
That knowledge is too much. Too big. What the fuck am I supposed to do with it?
“Is she okay?”
“You can see for yourself.” The doctor hesitates. “How’s your pain on a scale of one to ten?”
I almost laugh, but it seems like too much of an effort. I have so many questions about my brothers, Heaven’s family, and that fucking psycho, Dominguez. And yet, all I can think about is Heaven.
My wife. My failure.
“Like I was shot.” I flick a look at the doctor. “About an eight.”
She nods and writes something down on her electronic pad. “Nurses will be in for blood and shots soon. I’ve just adjusted the meds. If you feel loopy, that’s why. You’re lucky to be alive.”
“Yeah,” I say.
The doctor leaves and someone comes in. Awareness crackles in the antiseptic air, and a part of me tenses.
Heaven approaches the bed. Her green eyes are wild, her red hair a mess in a hasty ponytail, and there’s a smear of something on her face, like dirt, or…blood. She looks like she hasn’t slept in a week.
And she’s still the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. Her green eyes meet mine. Vulnerable, warm, hard, fierce. All of those emotions are there. Heaven’s brutal, ruthless. She’s tough as fucking nails and I suspect, as an unguarded expression flashes in her eyes, that I might be the most dangerous thing of all to her.
Not Dominguez and his threats. Me.
Because I think my wife loves me.
I don’t know if it’s a memory or a dream or imagination. But I feel like she told me that.
She can’t love me. Loving me will get her killed. She?—
“Matteo,” she says. “I took out Dominguez.”
For a moment I don’t know what to say. “Excuse me?”
“Oh, a girl can’t do that?”
“Christ, amore mio , no. I just… Heaven…”
“He shot my father—Dad will live, by the way—and he wanted to hurt and kill me. He also shot you. His people did. So I took that motherfucker out.” She says this like we’re discussing the weather. Like it’s nothing.
But one thing stands out. Me. She mentioned what happened to me as a catalyst.
“Everyone else?” I ask.
She steps close, right up to the bed, twisting her engagement ring and wedding band as she does so. Then Heaven drops her hands to her sides. “Everyone’s alive. Conor’s hurt, but it’s superficial. Your family is unscathed.” Heaven pauses. “You nearly died.”
I swallow. There’s a lump in my throat, hot and uncomfortable and a lot like the burn of tears. “Heaven?—”
“You fucking threw yourself in front of a bullet for me.”
“Yes.”
“You told me you loved me.”
I remember that. It’s etched into me. Down into my DNA. “Heaven.”
She draws a pattern on the stiff, crisp white sheet that covers me. Not on me, but the part next to me, like she wants to touch, but isn’t sure she should. “Is love worth it if you die?”
“I did it to save you.”
Her eyes are filled with fury. “It’s a big empty gesture, Matteo. And I have no use for that. I’m pretty much done with my quota for bullshit.”
I swallow. “It isn’t bullshit. I didn’t realize how I felt. I didn’t…” I take in a breath. “I’m not made for love, but I do love you.”
Heaven doesn’t say a word and the fury doesn’t fade.
“If I could change things, I would. I wanted to protect you, not put you in danger, and that’s what me falling for you did. Put you in harm’s way.”
She nods, frowning. “I hated you a few hours ago.”
“What about now? Do you still hate me?”
“It’s complicated.” Heaven sighs softly and the sound is bittersweet, something I know I’ll carry with me the rest of my days. “Yes. No. I love you, too. I think that’s why I got so upset because I thought there was something between us. And then seeing you, shot, for me. It hit home how much I love you.”
Heaven meets my gaze and holds it.
She’s waiting for something from me, and I’m not sure what it is. “I put you in danger. Loving you risks your life.”
“I took out the threat.”
“There’ll be others, and you’re not a woman who’ll stay in the shadows, who’ll sit at home as?—”
“A good fucking wife?”
I wince. “Yeah. But I don’t want you to do that, either. What I want is for you to be happy.”
“And if that’s with you?”
“Happiness isn’t worth shit if you’re dead, Heaven.”
“What are you saying?”
What am I saying? I’m not sure. Here she is, the woman I love more than I’ve loved anything before. She’s my heart, the spark, my life. And I’m her biggest danger. I don’t deserve her. “I should have died.”
Her lips press together. “Really?”
“You know you’d be better off without me.”
“Oh, do I?”
She has that look, the one where she could murder with her bare hands, and my heart skips a beat. She’s fucking spectacular. “Do you trust me, Heaven?”
“That’s a loaded, question, Matteo. I don’t know. Trust has to be earned and you haven’t done that.”
The edges of me start to ripple, and a sense of floating captures my body, sweeping me upward. The drugs are kicking in, but I’m not done here. She sounds like she is. And maybe it’s better that way. I can push her away and keep her safe, let her go back to her old life. And?—
“Molly,” I rasp.
“What about her?” Heaven’s voice is slightly brittle.
“Is that why you killed Dominguez? Which, by the way, you really fucking shouldn’t have. Of all the dangerous, stupid things?—”
“Stop.” Heaven leans in close, her breath warm against my cheek. All it would take for me to melt everything back to the familiar would be me turning and lifting my head, brushing her mouth with mine. But I don’t do a thing. “Just fucking stop.”
She doesn’t move and continues. “I wanted a vile sack of shit like him stopped from hurting girls like Molly. I wanted him not to hurt my family. I wanted revenge for you, me, the Mollys of the world. She’s gone. And…and I have to learn to live with it, make it count. But make no mistake, this isn’t about my cousin. It’s about you and me.”
“I don’t know what you want. I threw myself in front of a bullet. I think you can trust me.”
“You might have died.”
“I know.” I breathe in, fighting the drugs that invade and rock against me. “What is it you want from me? You know who and what I am.”
“It’s easy to make a gesture and say I can trust you if you’re not there.”
Thing is, if I’m not there, then she won’t be in danger. I know what she’s asking me. She wants me to be selfish, to be all in on our life together but I want her to live. And… “You’ll never trust me.”
She stares at me a long moment. Then she straightens. “You don’t know that.”
The drugs are taking me now, and I want them to. “I saved you. That’s what matters.”
“Thank you for saving my life,” she says.
“That’s all I want…” My voice fades, my eyelids heavy. “I’m gonna…”
“I love you, Matteo.” Her soft words slide into me, and I curl around them.
“Don’t. Not worth it.”
“I love you,” she says again, her lips brushing mine. “But you don’t want to fight for us. And I want a man who will do whatever he can to win my trust, keep my heart, earn his place.”
I want to say it’s me, I’m that man. But I’m not. So, I don’t say a word.
“Goodbye, Matteo,” she whispers.
And as darkness comes for me, I let her go. Her world is a better place without me. We’re done, I know that.
She’s safe. And now she’s gone.
I let go and sink into the empty blackness.