Chapter 18
18
GRANT
I was used to saying the wrong thing. I’d spent my entire life saying the wrong things to people and watching their brows knit in hurt or irritation. Some folks told me I was too blunt, others too logical, and quite a few had deemed me an asshole.
Tessa was the first person who’d seen past my words to my intentions. She smiled at my awkward phrases, laughed at my unintended rudeness, and rolled her eyes playfully at my blunt nature.
Until today.
This afternoon, I'd asked her about Claire moving home and she’d gone radio silent. I pulled up our text chat and read the chain back to myself. It was mostly me talking—baring my soul about moving back home—the kind of shit I’d never told anyone. It had seemed natural to me that Tessa would want to open up the same way. That was how relationships and vulnerability worked.
Except we weren’t in a relationship, and she didn’t owe me any vulnerability.
Her last words had been curt.
Tessa: I’m not.
It wasn’t the kind of dumbfuck move I could fix in a text, but I tried.
Grant: Sorry. I shouldn’t have asked you shit like that.
Grant: How’s the move going?
Tessa: It’s good, but I should focus.
A thousand times in my life I’d fucked up and I shrugged it off, but I couldn’t today. All I could think about was Tessa. Christ. If this Baader Meinhof got any worse it would need medical attention.
Tessa’s silence was eating at me in a way nothing had before. I jammed the phone into my pocket and grabbed my coat and hat. It was cold as fuck outside, but I couldn’t drive over to Tessa’s. The neighbors would notice. Instead, I pulled on my boots and yanked my hat low on my head and took a miserably cold, circuitous route around the neighborhood, landing myself on Tessa’s doorstep. The front lights were on, but the house was otherwise dark. I hit the bell.
It was probably a full minute before Tess cautiously approached the door. She’d snuck up from the side, deep in the shadows, but I saw her. “Tess,” I said.
She was frowning as she stepped into the light, turning the lock and swinging the door open. “What are you doing here, Grant? Is everything okay?”
She was messier than usual, with her hair tied on top of her head and her arms crossed over her chest, probably because she wasn’t wearing a bra. “I didn’t mean to upset you,” I said.
Tessa sighed heavily. “I know that. Christ. Come in. The neighbors are going to see you.” She stepped back and allowed me entry to the house, and all I wanted was to scoop her up and kiss the hell out of her, but I took a step to one side instead. I needed to apologize.
“You know I say things without thinking, Tess, and I’m sorry. I didn’t have the right to ask you…what I asked.”
Her chin lifted, jaw firm as she held my eyes with her steely gaze. “How would you describe me?”
“What?” I asked, caught off guard. “To whom?”
“To a stranger.”
I hummed thoughtfully, afraid screwing up my next words would cost me Tessa forever, and even though I knew I wasn’t meant to have her, I couldn’t give her up without a fight. “I would say?—”
“Don’t answer,” she said abruptly, pressing her fingers to my lips to stop the words.
“Tessa,” I murmured through her fingers, but she only pressed harder.
“It was a stupid question.”
“Tess,” I protested once more, gently.
Her shoulders sagged, and it was the same expression she’d made for the briefest moment when Claire first announced she was coming home. Instinctually, I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her close.
“What are you doing here?” she asked, turning her face so her ear pressed to my heart. I wondered if she could hear it beating.
“I upset you.”
A dry chuckle emanated from between us. “You upset people all the time.”
My shoulder twitched under her cheek in a tiny shrug. “Turns out, when it’s you, I care.”
She looked up, propping her chin on my sternum, a sweet smile on her face. “I’m not mad at you, and I appreciate you telling me the story about how you ended up back here. I feel like there’s so much I don’t know about you.”
I spread my fingers wide on her spine, holding her close. “That’s funny, because I feel like you know me better than almost anyone.”
She shook her head, her smile growing wide. “You’re ridiculous. Do you want to come watch a movie with me? I was just starting one.”
It wasn’t making love in bed, but it was definitely a date. Snuggling on a couch wouldn’t do a damn thing to help me get Tessa out of my system, but no wasn’t even an option. I would spend every minute I could with her and damn the consequences.
Tessa led the way to her living room, but I paused to look at her tree. By now I knew the drill—in both the office and at my house Tessa had told me to place my favorite ornaments in the front near the top. My eyes found that spot on Tessa’s tree, eager to learn something new about her.
“What are you looking at, Grinch?” Tess joked as she sat down on her gray sofa.
I didn’t answer, just turned to face her and smiled, sitting next to her on the couch. I lifted my arm to let her slide in against my chest and she tossed half her blanket over my lap.
As she pressed play on the movie, I dipped low to kiss the top of her head and let my eyes wander back to the tree. I found what I was looking for immediately, since it was in Tessa’s place of honor—a little plastic icicle ornament, the same one I’d given her last week when we’d decorated my tree.
It was impossible to stand in City Hall and not think of Tessa. Tess in the closet, her back pressed to my chest and our fingers moving together to send her over the edge. The memory was so vivid it was a wonder I didn’t have an erection.
It didn’t help matters that the woman who occupied my every spare thought was twenty feet away. I glanced up to look at her across the room. I’d looked once before and found her watching me from the corner of her eye, but this time she was distracted by her friends. They made a large group, and I only knew some of them. There was Annisa, the bartender at The Dancing Glass, and Val, Tessa’s closest friend. With them were two men. Both were similar looking, but I could tell them apart at a distance because one was a few inches taller than the other. The taller man seemed to orbit around Annisa—I’d even seen him at the bar a time or two. The shorter hung with Tess and Val, much to my irritation. Also irritating me was Kelly Patterson, who’d been invited by my mother, no doubt, and who was hovering around me making idle chit chat.
Tomorrow was Bridgeport’s annual Holiday Pantry, an event of giving that had grown large enough that people from nearby towns applied to come and receive a helping of food and gifts for their families. The entirety of the City Hall basement was currently divided in half. On our side were piles of food and on the other were piles and piles of gifts. Kelly and I, along with Ethan, Nora, a few of Ethan’s buddies, and my parents, had been assigned to food sorting on the south side of the room. On the opposite end, Tessa and her friends, along with my sister, Alex, were wrapping and labeling gifts for local children. Even at a distance I could tell the two men with Tess were not good at wrapping, and I cursed the event organizers for being too busy to notice and send over someone more competent.
“I loved these as a kid. Did you used to eat these?” Kelly asked, and I looked over at where she was standing, holding a can of SpaghettiO’s.
“Sure,” I replied mildly. “I liked the ones with the meatballs.”
“I think those are still Nora’s favorite,” Ethan said with a chuckle. “I want to go to fancy places and she wants pasta from a can.”
Nora gave Ethan a swift backhand to the gut, and he grunted. “You’ll be happy I have such simple tastes once we head out in the van. We won’t be able to afford fancy restaurants in every city.”
“I love that you two are going to see the country in a van together,” Kelly said. “It’s so romantic.”
I stacked neat piles of pastas and said nothing. I thought this van trip sounded like a nightmare, and I wasn’t confident Ethan and Nora would still be married when they returned, but it wasn’t my business.
“Grant, doesn’t traveling the country in a van sound so romantic?” Kelly asked, ruining my attempt to stay out of the discussion.
I shrugged. “I don’t think I have the patience for that, so I’m impressed. It should be interesting.”
Nora’s brow lowered and I reviewed the words, trying to decide if anything I’d said was inadvertently offensive.
Jock set down a cardboard box, leaning his hip against the table where Ethan was sorting and turning to look across the room to where Tessa and Val stood. “Hey, Tessa, Val, Annisa?” Jock called out. “You want to travel the country in a van with me?”
“I can’t take off work,” Annisa said mildly.
“I get carsick,” Tess added.
Val’s nose curled, and they walked across the room to where we stood. “Annisa and Tess would rather chew off their own arm, Jurkowski,” they said. “They’re just too nice to say it.” Jock laughed loudly, shooting Val the middle finger, and Val smiled sweetly at him for a moment before turning to look at me. “Can you run out to my car with me? I left some supplies out there.”
“Sure,” I replied, noticing the way Kelly watched the interaction from the corner of her eye. Perhaps I’d get lucky and she’d get the wrong idea about Val and me.
The wind was miserably cold but I let Val lead us to their car. They got in the driver’s seat and I slipped into the passenger seat beside them. “What’s up?”
“I’m Val,” they said.
“Sure,” I replied. “I know. I’m Grant, obviously, but you knew that.”
“I know a lot of things,” they said, widening their eyes meaningfully. They were wearing tight jeans and a bright Christmas sweater with a 3-D zebra in a Santa hat drinking champagne. “Tess says you think this is a bad idea,” Val said quietly.
I looked out the windshield as I answered them. “Her and me? It’s a terrible idea.”
“Why?” Val asked, fiddling with the car’s heat.
I inhaled deeply, keeping my voice barely above a whisper, though no one was around to hear. “Because Tess doesn’t want anything long-term and I sincerely doubt being around her is ever going to make me like her less.”
Val’s eyes widened as if I’d revealed a secret. “You want long-term?”
Taking my eyes off the twinkle lights lining the street, I leveled my gaze on theirs seriously, my voice clear, if still quiet. “I’m not stupid enough to believe it’s a possibility, so don’t get any ideas.”
“Fair enough,” Val said simply. “I’m surprised to admit, I think I approve.”
“If only your seal of approval were enough,” I joked.