Chapter 31 #2
“Decision made,” I repeated, nodding. “Again. It still feels right. I’ve been turning it over in my head since brunch with Cynthia.
I think I was mostly going to school because that’s what’s expected of me.
I picked teaching because it fits better than other degrees.
” I shrugged tiredly. “Could I be a teacher? I think so.”
“You could be a hell of a teacher,” Jewel said. “But you shouldn’t unless you burn to.”
“School’s a lot if you’re not totally into it,” Taylor said.
“How would you know?” Jewel asked. “There was never a second you weren’t into it.”
“That’s a valid point,” Taylor said sheepishly. She’d skipped two grades in grade school and graduated before any of us even though she was younger than Jewel and the same age as Piper and me.
“I think I’d like teaching for a couple of years.” I traced the edges of a daisy key chain. “That’s not what I really want to do though.”
I glanced up at my friends. Jewel’s head was tilted as she listened to me. Piper raised her brows as if waiting to hear more.
Taylor asked, “What do you really want to do?”
“I want my own family, first and foremost.”
“We know,” Jewel said with an affectionate smile. “Not shocking.”
“Don’t judge,” I said. “I know it’s out of the nineteen fifties but—”
“Hush,” Piper broke in. “You want what you want.”
“Screw societal expectations,” Jewel added.
I let out a quiet laugh, grateful for their understanding, then sobered. “The family I want… Yeah. That didn’t work out.” I swallowed. Fought to maintain my composure. I was wrung out and so tired of crying.
“I know, hon.” Piper stopped her tidying to rub my arm. “He’s blind.”
“Men are stupid,” Jewel added with emphasis.
“You’d think Knox would be wiser since he’s older and all…” Piper said.
“Nope,” I said, emphasizing the p sound.
“He’s still a male.” Jewel sounded bored with her own pronouncement.
“You like men just fine as long as they’re short-term,” Piper told her.
“I don’t like men when they crush my bestie’s heart.”
My attempt at a laugh came out shaky. “Me neither.”
“So…what are you going to do? You can’t keep working for Knox, can you?” Piper asked.
Closing my eyes tight against the physical pain the question caused in my chest, I tried to imagine living at Knox’s again, caring for Juniper but not sleeping in his bed. Just being the nanny. Loving on his daughter. Avoiding him on my days off.
There was no way I could go back to how it had been, to the sex, the sleeping together, the waking up together.
We’d fallen into it before, and stupid me, even after he’d said we were a secret, even with all the ways he made it clear I was just convenient, a part of me had dared to believe it could go somewhere. Dared to believe my heart could get it right for once.
That was my problem though. He hadn’t led me on, had never made promises he couldn’t keep. He’d been honest from the get-go. I’d just been wearing blinders.
They were off now.
“If he needs help, I can take care of June until he finds someone else. He has to find someone else fast though.”
Jewel hopped down from the counter and wrapped her arms around me, pulled me into her. “I’m so sorry, sweetie.”
With a watery laugh that sounded more like despair, I said, “You warned me. I should’ve listened.”
As Piper closed in and joined the hug, Jewel said, “You can’t help what you feel. I was just afraid you were going to feel.”
“And you were right.” I swallowed around the gob of emotion in my throat.
“Dammit,” she said with a caring smile.
Piper gestured to Taylor to join us, and she did.
“Will you go back to Henry’s?” Taylor asked.
“My job there’s supposed to be waiting for me,” I said. “But no.” We stood there with our four foreheads pressed together, arms around each other, as I worked up my courage to say the next bit out loud for the first time. “I’m going to look for another nanny position.”
“I love it,” Piper said.
“That’s a solid plan,” Taylor said.
“It feels right.” I sniffled. “Righter than teaching or Henry’s or anything else.”
Jewel was noticeably quiet. I straightened and eyed her.
“What?” I asked.
“You’ll be a rad nanny.” She looked me in the eye as a partial smile tugged at her lips.
“I hear a but.”
“Same thing as before. You care too much. You’ll want to make your nanny family your own. I worry you’ll get hurt again.”
“You’re sweet,” I said with another sniff.
“I’m not sweet,” she huffed. “I’m practical. Another couple of heartbreaks like this and we’ll need a lot of red wine.”
Grinning, I said, “I’ll start a wine fund with my earnings.” I grabbed my almost-empty glass from the counter and held it in front of me. “You girls are the best. Love you bunches.”
They clinked their glasses to mine and Jewel replied, “Love you bunches too.”
“You’re going to be fine,” Piper added. “Better than fine.”
I took a swallow, then lowered my glass, nodding.
Becoming a nanny for a different family meant opening my heart to more precious babies.
I knew I’d fall in love with whatever kids I was lucky enough to care for.
Knew it would hurt when I had to say goodbye to those kids and their families.
I was reasonably sure, though, that I wouldn’t ever get hurt as badly as Knox had hurt me.
I knew that because I was pretty damn certain I wouldn’t get over this heartbreak any time soon.
My heart, where romance was concerned, was out of commission for the foreseeable future.
You couldn’t break what was already destroyed.
“Yeah,” I said on an exhale. “I’m going to be okay.”
It was just going to take some time. Maybe a couple of decades.